Ladies, a dilemma for me better half.

[WeeWillie]

Hi ladies,

Me better half left hospital this Thursday after having a Posterior Repair, you'll know what that is.

Shortly after arriving home she received a phone call from one of her sisters with the news that her mum,
who's being wonderfully looked after in an ex-forces home, has been given roughly 14 days before her body
finally gives up.

My wife is the one who is the regular visitor, and quite naturally wants to go and see her mum one last time in case this really is the end.
The dilemma is, she's been told..... no, warned, by the medical staff she must rest, take things extremely easy, not to do any housework, etc etc. You'll understand that.

I've been telling her as sensitively as I can, that it's simply not possible to visit her dear old mum and perhaps, though it will be hard, it may be better to remember her as she was the last time she visited her, when she was at least looking healthier. (apparently at the moment she's not looking good, obviously)

In your opinion is my advice solid, ie, it's just not possible for her to visit her mum two or three days after such an operation, even if I drove her to the home.

(I can just imagine the hospital's response if I contacted them)


Thank you for reading, ladies.
I appreciate it.

willie.

 

[Totto]

But surely she wouldn't be expected do do any housework at her mum´s home? So what is the problem?

Happily I haven't had to go through the kind of surgery your wife has had, but if my mum was so ill surely would go if I could.

As a matter of fact I will go to my mum next weekend, not that I have the time nor money but she is poorly and my brother who lives a twenty minutes walk from her don't do what he is supposed to so I will go, seven hour journey single way.

You do the work at home and then drive her to her mum!

 

[cath99]

i understand its a difficult dilema for you here, but in role reversed i would have to go to mum esp if there a good chance she could be leaving me. is there no way she could go? maybe hire a wheelchair to assist . or family ? please think on it carefully before u decide, she may never get the chance again xx good luck xx

 

[phoenix]

It's a real dilemma and actually I do think you need to ask your doctor for advice. I've no idea how long the journey is but maybe you could do it in short stages.
I know how she feels, I had to find a way of getting back from France earlier in the year for the same reason I ended up with a horrendous journey using cross country trains and coaches. I got there the day before my mother died and was so relieved that I got there to be with her at the end.
I don't know how to put the next bit bit, it's not scientific and maybe just coincidence but I'm an only child , we've been very close . I'm convinced that she waited for me to be alone with her before she died.

 

[bernie.freeman]

Wee Willie, I think that Phoenix is right, have a word with your GP. There may be a way to get your wife to see her mum it will give your wife and her mum peace of mind before she passes away. I hope this can be resolved as it must be a very stressful time for both of you. Hope all goes well.
Best wishes to you both x

 

[Joe Sweatthang]

Can you not arrange a wheel chair for her ?

 

[JANROU]

Think you need to try to allow your wife to do what she wants/ needs to do. Personally I would get frustrated if anyone stopped me from visiting in this situation, maybe do some sort of deal, we go today but you rest in bed all day tomorrow. Thinking of you both x



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[Totto]

Think you need to try to allow your wife to do what she wants/ needs to do. Personally I would get frustrated if anyone stopped me from visiting in this situation, maybe do some sort of deal, we go today but you rest in bed all day tomorrow. Thinking of you both x



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You mean she goes to her mother one day an WeeWilly rests in bed the day after? Oh, where are little funny things you can put to say you are laughing?

 

[Janiept]

Willie, the hospital allowed your wife to leave hospital and return home which I assume was no more energetic than being driven to visit her Mum would be. If she takes things slowly and doesn't exert herself I am sure it wouldn't harm her.
She will always regret it if she doesn't go and say goodbye.
Such a sad time but it could be worse if she is filled with regrets later.
Best wishes to you all x

 

[WeeWillie]

I'm grateful to you all for taking time out to reply with your opinions, I appreciate them so much.

We were discussing it again this morning, she is still in extreme discomfort and feeling very weak.
Though I worry about her health (she's 68 and has other health issues) I emphasized the final
decision must be hers.
Her sisters are pushing her to go and visit which is adding extra stress she could well do without.
However, I'll need to give her some space to make her own decision.

cath, yep a wheelchair is an option, I wouldn't be able to push her though due to my disability.
For the last year I've been unable to get out and about much and the ironic thing is I've a
Motability car sitting out there that I've hardly used during the present lease term.
Three year lease ending with only 3259 miles on the clock. I'm due a new car at the end of this
month, but I'm not renewing it. I'd be paying for it and it will just be sitting out there.
I've always the option to go for it again if things improve.
Heck, there's me wandering way off topic, sorry.

Totto, she won't be doing any housework for 4-6weeks, no lifting, no stretching, nothing.
She's also been told she won't really feel her old self again for about three months.

phoenix,Thank you, "see the doctor for advice" so obvious yet it never entered my head.
What I wally I am at times.

bernie.freeman, thank you for your good comments and your best wishes.

Joe Sweatthang, thank you. (please see my reply to cath)

JANROU, good advice indeed, thank you.

Janiept, gosh, it would be sooo sad to be left with such regrets right enough.
What a dilemma all round.

Thank you all again, it's so good to be able to discuss the situation and to receive
such excellent replies.

I must keep you all updated.

willie.

 

[douglas99]

How far are you from the home?

 

[WeeWillie]

How far are you from the home?

Hi douglas99 , not far, about an hours drive, depending on traffic.


She's still very weak today, but talking about her dear old mum, though no mention of visiting yet.
You know in all our married life, there's not been one cross word between her mum and her late dad.
She's a sweet old lady, and her dad used to kid me relentlessly, I loved him and miss him.

I forgot to mention my wife was told (sheesh) not to cross her legs or ankles, and was given a pair of some
kind of knee length medical socks to prevent blood clotting.

What you ladies have to go through at times, you have my sympathy.


I'll take this opportunity to thank you all again, including you, douglas99 for your interest in the thread.

I won't forget to keep you all updated.


willie.

 

[carty]

I do feel for you both I think consulting the GP is a very good idea and if he says it may be possible I would get the wheelchair and ask one of the staff at the home to push your wife .Maybe also she could be made comfortable in the back of the car with her legs up and propped with cushions Make sure she is wrapped up warmly and take care on the drive If the GP says it is a definate no no then you can tell this to your sisters in law and they may stop the pressure on your poor wife and may also ease her conscience if her mum dies before she can get there
CAROL

 

[2christine]

Just seen your post and understand what your wife is going though,I had a similar operation just before Christmas ,then my mum got really poorly and a carer said you better get here quick.
I drove to Leicester at 8'30 at night pouring with rain ,got there at 11pm she did not know me,I sat up all night with her,4 days and nights ,in all .
she did not speak to me a but I know she knew I was there,I decided to go home Christmas eve ,my sister stayed with her and she passed away on the 27th.it's been a sad time for our family, but I am so glad I made the effort,my hubby would not take me,
I bet you have taken your wife though, love and hugs to you both, take special care of each other.
Ps I had a spinal anasetic so I don't think I was at risk of driving under the influence of drugs.
Ducalax x 4 helps tell mrs W

 

[WeeWillie]

I do feel for you both I think consulting the GP is a very good idea and if he says it may be possible I would get the wheelchair and ask one of the staff at the home to push your wife .Maybe also she could be made comfortable in the back of the car with her legs up and propped with cushions Make sure she is wrapped up warmly and take care on the drive If the GP says it is a definate no no then you can tell this to your sisters in law and they may stop the pressure on your poor wife and may also ease her conscience if her mum dies before she can get there
CAROL

Thank you, carty, good sensible advice you've offered and they'll be put to good use.

Well, apparently if her internals (you know what I mean) have calmed down a bit, and provided all care is taken, much as you've described, she should be ok to visit her mum. There's a wheel chair available for her whenever she's ready.

I don't know what position she holds in the home, but apparently a carer told one of my sister-in-laws she disagrees with the resident doctor's prognosis regarding my mother-in-law. And today me better half received a call from one of her sisters mentioning their mum was a little brighter and was again able to eat a little along with a small amount of milk. So, things appear to be changing. The thing that concerns me is that people, as you know, can rally round just before the end. I hope this is not the case as hopes are up.
My wife's still weak, and although I talk about her old mum everyday, she hasn't mentioned visiting. It's not that she's afraid to, more to do with her feeling so weak.
I guess it's a case of taking each day as it comes.

Thank you again.
willie.

Just seen your post and understand what your wife is going though,I had a similar operation just before Christmas ,then my mum got really poorly and a carer said you better get here quick.
I drove to Leicester at 8'30 at night pouring with rain ,got there at 11pm she did not know me,I sat up all night with her,4 days and nights ,in all .
she did not speak to me a but I know she knew I was there,I decided to go home Christmas eve ,my sister stayed with her and she passed away on the 27th.it's been a sad time for our family, but I am so glad I made the effort,my hubby would not take me,
I bet you have taken your wife though, love and hugs to you both, take special care of each other.
Ps I had a spinal anasetic so I don't think I was at risk of driving under the influence of drugs.
Ducalax x 4 helps tell mrs W

Hi 2christine.
What a journey you had to make, it must have been horrendous, I'm genuinely full of admiration for you.
Such a shame about your hubby though, a very sad situation you mentioned.

You would've been ok driving after receiving a spinal I'm sure. All things considered, the entire episode must have left you shattered though.
The kind of thing you did for your mum reminds me of Ruth in the Bible who went out of her way to do all she could for her mum.
A very refreshing thing you ladies are prepared to undertake due to the love and devotion towards your mums.

Thank you so much for replying.
Oh, and I'll mention Ducalax x 4, you recommend.



willie.

 

[Thundercat]

Hi Willie. I sincerely hope that your wife will be well enough to travel to see her mother. You are a wonderful support to her. My thoughts and prayers are with ye.

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[2christine]

mine too xx

 

[bernie.freeman]

Willie, you are an amazing example of kindness and compassion. Hope all goes well.xx

 

[WeeWillie]

Took my wife to Tesco yesterday but after 15-20 minutes she wanted to return home, just as well, she looked awful.
Later she received a telephone call from one of her sisters with the news that mum had taken a turn for the worst.

Today my wife was talking about her mum mentioning she would like to see her one last time before she goes. I asked her if she felt she could have visited before now....she shook her head and said no however, our daughter is travelling 450 miles to visit us as she too would like to see her gran, she'll be here with her husband later this evening and all three will visit the home tomorrow.
I've been feeling a bit rough this week, so I'll need to wait till tomorrow to see whether I can go also. Sounds pathetic, but the family know what it's like for me.

Mentioning the family, emotions are running rather high of course, and there's been a bit of a family upset as one of my sister-in-laws text a message to all the family asking, no, telling everyone....as she's going on holiday Thursday next week, should mother-in-law pass away while she's about to go on holiday, or during her holiday, they must delay the funeral for one month.
None of the children agree to that proposal, they're not prepared to have mum, as one of the sons put it, lying in a box within some cold storage place for an entire month.

My own view is that, as an in-law, I have no say in the matter at all unless I'm specifically asked, and neither does any of the other children in-law, it's the blood children who make any decisions as far as I'm concerned.
I reckon it's all down to the emotional state everyone is feeling, but I tell you, am I glad I'm not involved in any of the debate.


There, I feel better now.


Thundercat, 2christine, bernie freeman....Hi.
You've said the nicest things about me but look, I'm nothing special, just an ordinary bloke, a wee one, but a very ordinary one never-the-less.
Thank you all the same.

Thank you for reading.
willie.

 

[WeeWillie]

Hello again.

Well, me better half is still feeling weak but, the last seven days have been happy for her.
She was taken to see her old mum at the home last Sunday, they were delighted to see
each other.

Her mum had made a bit of a recovery and she (my wife) was told by her sisters that mum
is looking better than she did when she took a turn for the worse.
So far then, it appears the carer in the home who disagreed with the doctor's prognosis,
at least for the time being, was correct.

Of course, for how long? Only God can answer that for sure. The important thing for the
moment is she's still with us giving my wife the opportunity to visit.
I feel sad though, and I say this with love for my dear old mother-in-law and with sympathy
for her children, it's prolonging the inevitable.
Millions of families have experienced these circumstances, you possibly have also, but it
doesn't make it any easier when it happens to you, does it.

I'm still very honoured to say there has never been a single bad word spoken between myself
my Father-in-law or my Mother-in-law throughout my entire married life with their daughter.

I must mention the Sister-in-law who upset everyone (actually she repeatedly has done and
no doubt will continue to do so) sent what is the next best thing to an apology...well, she didn't
actually say sorry or used the word "apology" but she said the best she could. So everything
has calmed down as much as it can under the present circumstances.

Thank you all again for your supportive words and advice.

Kind regards to you all.

willie.