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Living with a partner with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes

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Molly56

Well-Known Member
Messages
3,844
Type of diabetes
Don't have diabetes
Treatment type
I do not have diabetes
Hi. Does anyone have any advice on living with a partner with type 2 diabetes which is effectively not controlled?

I am not diabetic myself but am living with my partner who has type 2 diabetes – he has been diabetic for approx. 10 – 12 years and we have been together for the last 5 years. Despite being on medication (metformin / gliclazide/ linagliptin plus various blood pressure medications) I know that his diabetes is not under control and have noticed the early signs of a number of diabetic complications including a number of forms of nerve damage amongst others.

He (reluctantly) sees the diabetic nurse about twice a year to monitor his diabetes but always promises to address this through diet and exercise but the truth is that he effectively doesn’t watch his diet and does no exercise at all – even walking is a problem due to painful joints which he puts down to arthritis - despite my best efforts to explain that keeping moving is the best remedy for this his excuse is always that he can’t do this.

Being retired and having little to do he seems to spend the majority of his life either in bed (he rarely gets up before about 11am so doesn't eat breakfast or have his medication until nearly lunchtime) or sitting watching television / reading the paper and leads a very sedentary lifestyle, often going back to bed in the afternoon for a nap for a couple of hours – and often blaming this on his diabetes!!

Am getting increasingly frustrated about the situation myself as I know from reading up on the website that there are answers to many of the problems he faces but he is either unwilling or unable to understand - I have tried on numerous occasions to explain about diet and exercise but it just falls on deaf ears.

Have spoken with my GP about this who understands my concerns and the position that I am in and is sympathetic to my dilemma.

Despite not being diabetic myself I do have some personal experience of the complications that can occur – my ex father in law died in his early sixties from complications brought on by uncontrolled diabetes and a close neighbour at my previous address had a similar experience with complications and with the same outcome – so have real concerns about what the future holds for my partner given his current circumstances.

Is there anyone else out there who is in a similar position or who could offer some friendly words of advice.

Are there any local support groups that exist that would be able to offer support or guidance to either myself or to my partner if he would accept it.

Any advice would be great, thanks
 
hi, this is going to be my best attempt at useful advice.... will he look on the internet at possible complications and success stories? if not you could perhaps print off something to show him? he probly knows the bad stuff but does he know the positive effects he can make by helping himself with a few simple lifestyle changes? the best thing about making these changes is it will have an immediate positive effect on how he feels right now and prevent alot of pain in the future, sure we all have to die of something but by ignoring this hes choosing a very unpleasent route to take

the reason i started by saying my best attemp at useful advice is because i want to say, hes being very selfish, he will not suffer alone, he will cause you to suffer right along with him, then you get the added bonus of being left alone once hes killed himself, i watched my dad do it to my mum, its infuriating, so my honest advice if unpleasant is to tell him to try hes damnedest to help himself or leave him to suffer without you,, harsh i know because you love him, but dont let him do this to you if you cant stop him doing it to himself

sorry thats just my opinion

all the best

P. s. if he wants to change, we will gladly help


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It sounds as if you may be the "food provider" so why don't you have a go at changing some of the foods?

How long has partner been retired?
Retirement planning is given by a lot of companies, sadly though, not enough people actually plan for their retirement and take it that they can survive without exercising physically or mentally. Depending on partners previous work, it may be that there could be something from that previously that he could enjoy in retirement.

Do you have anything that you enjoy doing together.. Ie visiting family or friends? Would it be worthwhile to discuss the situation with them and ask nicely if next time you visit could they suggest you all go for a walk? Or visit a museum or do something, anything that is more active?

I know with my mum's depression I often have to talk to my stepdad privately and tell him he MUST get my mum out for walks round parks, visit stately houses or do something to stop my mum forever thinking of worries, when she has none!! Sometimes you have to have help from others for encouragement to partners, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Sometimes instead of expressing concerns sat on sofas, comfy chairs etc it is better to look at someone direct face to face over a table. Eg.. Business, even gp's etc do not sit down in comfy chairs to talk about serious issues. Over a table is a better way of getting emotions taken away when talking to people...




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Molly,

that's a tough one and I can't add much to what's been said. I see elements of my father in what you've mentioned and my father still doesn't accept any responsibility for losing a toe or recognising that he was lucky it was only a toe. I'm never sure that being cruel to be kind works because it can go either way i.e. compliance or complete rejection to any attempt to get him to change his ways, or else. Whatever the else would be.
You are obviously and understandably very concerned and he has to be made to realise that, then do something about it. From reading messages on this forum you can see that many people control their condition and have excellent outcomes, unfortunately ignoring your condition . . . . . . Sorry, I know I'm preaching to the converted. Like Andy I'm struggling to say anything cruel, but that may be the best way forward, read the riot act. All the best.
 
Molly56 said:
support or guidance to either myself or to my partner if he would accept it.
Click to expand...

When I read your post I feel I understand your concern but I am not sure how to address it. The extract from your post I have quoted says why. It seems your partner does not accept that he has a problem. If he does accept it then he has taken the major decision to take no notice of it.

This reminds me of the attitude of the NHS. Having diagnosed us as T2 they tell us not to get obsessive, not to test and try to get some quality out of life while the "progressive" condition takes hold. If they truly did not want us to worry about our condition then why did they diagnose us in the first place?

Members of this forum know that there is something they can do about their condition and do everything they can to control it.

I can't believe that your partner is unable to understand so I presume he is unwilling to understand and that is a big problem for you. It smacks of self pity to me with a large dash of selfishness. He also does not seem to be taking your concerns into account.

Well that's it, I have tried to figure this one out but all I can come up with is the obvious. You have to get your concerns across to him more clearly but you knew that already. Maybe, just keep at it.
 
I think that there is more than one approach to this. As a group, were pretty motivated. Most of us have seen the writing on the wall or/and have known someone who has taken your hubbies approach (in my case my aunt) and are determined not to go that route. I really thought that @donnellysdogs advice was helpful. It's clear that he is burying his head in the sand so what about LCHF? Is it possible to get rid of all the ****, tell him you're on a health kick and need his support to lose some weight (this does not have to be true!) and cook low carb. There are still plenty of low carb desserts you can make so he might not even notice! My hubbie joined me and says it's the best thing he ever did. More energy, weight loss (your body stops once you've reached where you're meant to be so he just stays at 11 st 3 or 4. You can feel a bit funny for a week and must drink more fluids but it really works. I do miss bread from time to time but not the rice and pasta. I told a colleague at work but she seems hellbent in following your husbands route! Good luck!
 
First of all, thank you for all of your comments and suggestions – it is reassuring to know that there is somewhere to come for advice and that there are other people who have been in similar circumstances.

In reply to some of the suggestions…

To some extent I am the food provider and do try wherever possible to make sure that the meals we have at home are relatively healthy. However there are circumstances where I am not able to influence food choices such as when he goes out for lunch whilst I am out at work – whilst my partner is retired I have another 17 – 20 years before I reach retirement age though I only work part time / some days of the week. Most days of the week he will get up and go to the local supermarket or coffee outlet for lunch and generally has a Panini or bacon roll with a latte!

His other habits include not having breakfast (he rarely gets up before lunchtime) and having a bowl of cereal in the evening a couple of hours after his evening meal. This to me is very strange and goes against advice on healthy eating habits but despite my efforts to explain the importance of eating breakfast he just doesn’t get it. Am sure that his eating habits are effectively making his medication ineffective / less effective in controlling his blood sugar levels but can’t get the message across.

Regarding blood sugar levels he does not test these on a daily basis as was told this is not necessary – the only time this is tested is if and when he goes to see the diabetic nurse – consequently I have no idea what these are other than that they are and remain on the high end of the scale.

Moving on from food my other point of contention is his lack of exercise or even movement – am I right in thinking that there is a direct correlation between what he eats / his lack of exercise or moving and blood sugar levels – I have tried to explain that moving is essential to this situation but this once again falls on deaf ears. Sadly no real advice has been given by the GP or diabetic nurse about the importance of exercise and as already mentioned he always promises to do this but nothing happens.

My view is that his depression / lack of motivation is also key to this (his GP has put him on antidepressants) but only he can make the decision to do something about this in terms of finding something to do - I always think that you need to have something to get up for / a plan of action for the day but he seems unable to see this – I am definitely on a losing battle on this one. He does have an interest in woodwork and has all the equipment to do this but seems to have lost interest in this lately / just lacks the motivation to do it

With regards to retirement planning I know that this is key but this didn’t happen and consequently he has found himself in the rut he is in. From a personal point of view I know the benefits of volunteering and wish that he would consider this but he doesn’t see this as an option. Social interaction is key to mental health but other than the staff at the supermarket where he has lunch he effectively has no other social interaction with other people. He does have family from his previous marriage but has little contact with his daughters (a family falling out) and minimal contact (phone calls / occasional visits) with his son who lives about 250 miles away. I have spoken to his son and daughter in law about the situation so that they are aware of what is happening but unfortunately the distance means they are unable to provide any practical support. Am at a loss in terms of knowing what to do about this but feel that increased social interaction would perhaps help his situation.

From a personal point of view I know that I have to think of my own physical and mental health - I too suffer from low mood / mild depression but am addressing this through healthy eating / keeping active / keeping in touch with my sons / talking therapies / friends rather than going on medication as don’t think that is the answer for me. In terms of the situation I find myself in with my partner I am trying to help him where I can but sometimes have to mentally distance myself from his problems for my own sanity. I am aware of what the future may hold and am mentally preparing myself for what may happen without worrying myself silly and having the right support networks in place for when it does happen. One thing I learnt from a stress and mood management course that I recently attended was that you can only worry about things that you have control over or influence or change – if you can’t change it you need to ditch the worry or at least park it to one side.

Finishing on a positive note, as this all sounds very negative so far, this has made me more aware of my own health and wellbeing and the importance of making sure that I look after myself both mentally and physically ….also the importance of planning for the future and making sure that I plan for an active retirement when I eventually get there!

Thanks again for all the advice.
 
. . . . you can only worry about things that you have control over or influence or change – if you can’t change it you need to ditch the worry or at least park it to one side.

You've hit the nail on the head and it's important that you look after your own health. You've obviously developed your own strategies for doing that and that's great.
At least by knowing that this forum is here, and there are three other forums that I pop into now and again, you will know that there are ways for diabetics to improve their health and their outcomes. I wish you all the very best. BTW The nurse is wrong to suggest that you don't have to measure your BG, very wrong.
 
graj0 said:
BTW The nurse is wrong to suggest that you don't have to measure your BG, very wrong.
Click to expand...

I agree with that remark totally and it gave me an idea.

I know you said that he doesn't test but I am not sure if you actually own a meter. You could always buy one and test yourself while claiming that you read something on the internet and wanted to look into it. Of course he would have to be told that he couldn't touch your new toy or interfere in any way ....especially while you are out at work.

It could replace woodwork as a hobby.
 
Have never been sure about the advice he was given about not testing but can only go on what the nurse said - I do try to go along with him when he sees the nurse to hear firsthand what is said / suggested as he doesn't take it in or remember - memory problems are another issue probably linked to his diabetes.
Have considered speaking to the diabetic nurse myself. - I know there is probably an issue about patient confidentiality but could express my concerns for the record as I have done when I see my GP who fully knows the situation I find myself in.
I have the feeling that my partner is just one small step away from insulin injections as the last medication change was I think the last option before moving on to something more drastic. Without sounding harsh perhaps this is the wake up call that he needs to take this seriously - am assuming blood glucose monitoring will be more stringent if and when this happens.
 
How about asking to speak to the nurse about how you carry out testing. You have no need to breach any confidentiality rules since you feel you need to know how to do it in case your partner, if put on insulin, goes hypo. You can get yourself checked out at the same time.
 
My hubby used to be a bit "boring" and for years.. But this was down to pressures of work as a Manager for Amazon.

When we moved, I got a woodburner.. He now has located a source of free wood and last winter our total bill for gas was £95 actually for 9 months.

Now you'll be thinking what the heck has this to do with helping your partner!!

My hubby has lost his weight, his depression (that I was told I was the depressed one!!)... He collects the wood every weekend and before or after work he cuts it up during the week.

Just saying there's different ways to skin a cat!!! He was boring.. He had no life in him. He takes real pride now just from all our neighbours now getting wood burners fitted and the fact we paying nothing for heating.

I also took him privately to see a superb male Counsellor together, who told hubby that his attitude was badly affecting my well being. He asked my hubby why he had no onterest in anything... Hubby said, I guesss I'm too lazy. Counsellor told him straight he was depressed ( first time he had agreed that he was!) that his attitude was impacting on me and that I deserve better....it tore my hubby to pieces, but helped put him back together again as a partner with pride AND joy.

Life is difficult, depression especially with men, and also diabetic is hard, but I think that you cannot continue to allow him to impact so deeply on you. (Only from my experience).

You need to talk over a table, see if he would consider a "dual" counselling? And tell him that you are finding things tough, you're concerned that you both have been impacted by his diabetes diagnosis, BUT that you love him dearly and want a better life for you both. Tell him diabetes is not a death sentence unless he lets it!!

Try to think "outside the box" for wauls to get him interested in a hobby... U3A is very good and everywhere all over the country, and do things from walking to antiques to pictures etc...

Wishing you luck, but d think of yourself


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Thanks everyone for all the advice...have read through it all and taken some of the ideas on board...not sure when I will get round to implementing them though as very busy myself at the moment with work and various other projects on the go etc.

Letter received today for annual diabetic check up with nurse - includes blood test so at least we will get to know what the current position is in terms of blood sugar levels (expecting them to be high!).

Am trying to work out how I can ask the questions that i want to so hope that I can work these into the consultation - I try to go along as well if possible to support my partner and to understand first hand just what is happening and being suggested in managing his condition.

From past experience though I have often felt that this annual check up has been more of a box ticking exercise on their part and haven't really come away with anything positive to take forward.
If anything I have hoped that the diabetic nurse would be more persuasive in making my partner realize the seriousness of his condition so that he takes some real action in addressing this but that has just not happened - losing weight / diet and exercise are mentioned every time and he promises her that he will do this but I sit there knowing full well that this will not happen - as they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks!

Perhaps this time it will be different or he may get a wake up call that spurs him into action - but then again, perhaps not
 
Hi everyone I have generalized granuloma annulare
I believe it is possibly pre diabetes does anyone know for sure?
 
Am just giving some thought about my previous post and how I can support my partner at his next meeting with the diabetic nurse. Thought perhaps it would help if I understand the medication that he is on so that I can ask relevant questions about this.

From our last appointment I got the impression that he is probably on quite a high level of medication for his diabetes - he currently takes 4 tablets of Metformin a day (2 in the morning and 2 in the evening) plus 80mg Gliclazide twice a day (1 morning / 1 evening) plus a new medication prescribed last time being 5mg Linagliptin to be taken once a day (morning). He also takes a total of four different medications for high blood pressure plus an antidepressant. From the nurse's comments last time I think that we are pretty much up to the maximum for what they can offer.

Does anyone have any advice on this for me - has anyone else ended up with this combination of medication - what is the next step if this doesn't work?

Am doing my best to understand this and be supportive but frustrating as he just doesn't understand the diet and exercise parts of the equation - just thinks that the medication is the answer / will do the trick.

Thanks in advance for any advice.
 
Possibly this site and the reviews of the various medications might help:
http://www.phlaunt.com/diabetes/17977284.php
 
Indy51 said:
Possibly this site and the reviews of the various medications might help:
http://www.phlaunt.com/diabetes/17977284.php
Click to expand...

Thanks for the link about the medications - it helped a bit to understand more about the medications and just how the work / what they are designed to achieve. Not sure about the side effects of the trajenta / linagliptin though, seems a bit worrying but guess it can't be that bad if it has been licensed for use here.

As an update my partner has made an appointment for a blood test and annual review with the diabetic nurse in a couple of weeks so hopefully we will see how things stand now.
I will say however that I am not holding out much hope for any change as he adamantly stated tonight that he, quote "won't be taking any more tablets" - will have to see what the nurse has to say about that!

Had a good chat with a friend about all of this today so is good to share my worries with someone else - support is so important for everyone affected by this either directly or in my case indirectly as a partner of a diabetic.

Am so pleased to have found this forum as great to get advice from other people who have been there.
 
Have had some progress since starting this thread in terms of him deciding that he needs to find things to occupy himself. He does enjoy woodwork so have suggested that perhaps he can spend some time sorting out the shed and making something useful.....May be just a small step but it is a step in the right direction.

Have also been giving some more thought as to how I can help him and encourage him to make some changes to help himself.....am feeling a little more positive for now.
 
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