Mother diabetic - living alone? Please help me.

[LadyMelodina]

Hi everyone,

I think I should have joined this forum much earlier. I'm an only child and have often lived only with my mother, who is diabetic (type 1). Ever since I was eight, I take care of her and ensure she is okay. Circumstances have forced us to live apart in the last nine years but despite that I have been creative in making sure she is okay. She has always had a lot of staff (at home) who can also help in case of an emergency. Other than that I use our smartphones to ensure she is conscious and that her blood sugar levels are okay (i.e. I text regularly, when she is silent over a certain period of time I raise the alarm and send people to her home, I have a GPS tracker on her phone to see if, in case she does not respond to messages, she may be out of her home, distracted in an errand or something). Despite all of these methods, recently I failed to save her and she ended up in a hypoglycemic coma in her car. People found her and everything was okay in the end, but I am still traumatized by this incident, and many more incidents. I do not know what to do. I have been dealing with this for over 20 years and I don't know how much longer I can handle this. I always feel that she is being irresponsible and not taking care of herself, but not being diabetic myself I really do not know how true that is. I love her so much and worry about her so much but my own health and psychological well-being is really affected by all this.

To exacerbate the situation, in the past three years I have been working in the humanitarian field which is arguably the most stressful field to work in. This, along with my mother's health, is really affecting me. I am often sick and can feel my morale plummeting. My work situation is not good and my financial situation is okay at the moment but if my husband and I choose to start a family, there is no way our finances can handle it. The only option I have to progress in my work is to go on the field. Unfortunately this could mean places that are so far from my mother that even the time difference wouldn't allow us to speak. Not to mention being in a different country (or even city) makes me extremely nervous as I do not know if she will be okay and I only trust myself in ensuring she is fine and healthy.

I tell her to consider having a housekeeper, to assist her in taking care of her home and alert me (or a medical professional) in any medical emergency but she refuses. I just do not know what to do. Can anyone offer me any kind of advice? I hope nobody misunderstands me - before you jump to conclusions about me know that ever since I was eight I have been dealing with this completely by myself. No siblings, no father, no family to help. So be kind in your advice

 

[Engineer88]

Hey! Can I ask a few questions about your mums treatment? Is she on a pump or injections? Is she hypo unaware? What's her hba1c (if you know it?)

Other than that congrats on coming and asking for help, you're doing the right thing


Type 1 diagnosed 1990
HBa1c current 8.3
Pump and CGM used (animas vibe)

 

[LadyMelodina]

Thank you for answering! Oh yes! I should have said that, huh!

She takes injections. In the morning she takes a long lasting injection (lantus) and then takes one injection with breakfast and another for lunch (main meal for her). I don't remember her hba1c.

I do not think she is hypo unaware. Though I do think there is another factor that is making the situation more complicated: depression. She has not been clinically diagnosed but she has voiced her concerns to her GP who has prescribed a mild anti-depressant. She confessed to me once that she felt the hypoglycemia and let it happen, till she passed out because she "didn't care." At the time she had abruptly stopped her anti-depressant (you see, another reason why I think she is irresponsible) so I think it was related to that. For the past month she has not been showing depressive symptoms luckily.

I note also that we are in a country that does not have the best medical care. Incidentally, she became diabetic when, at the age of 18, was diagnosed and treated incorrectly for jaundice here, which killed her pancreas.

 

[Spiker]

Gosh that is a tough situation. To be honest my first thought is that despite a lifetime of relying on you, your mother needs to learn to be more self reliant. There is a "reverse parenting" relationship going on between the two of you and that is not good for either of you. As you say, it is limiting the important choices that you need to make in your own life now.

Is it possible that she could just manage on her own? A hypo like that is severe, but a single incident shouldn't be taken to mean she can't care for herself. I have had those kind of incidents over the years and I take care of myself, I don't think anyone would consider me irresponsible. So maybe it is possible to just let her manage by herself, and she will be OK? How do you think she would react to that? Does she want you to look after her, as much as you want to look after her?

On a practical level would it help if she had some kind of panic button or alarm call? You might be too far away but at least you would know. Panic button functions are now available for mobile phones, as well as the type that you wear around your neck on a lanyard.

I'm sorry because I can tell it is a very emotional situation that is affecting you greatly.

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[Engineer88]

Hummmm. Not really sure where to start I'm afraid.

Does she find the D difficult to cope with or are there more external factors to the depression?

It's a bit chicken and egg I think.


Type 1 diagnosed 1990
HBa1c current 8.3
Pump and CGM used (animas vibe)

 

[izzzi]

I tell her to consider having a housekeeper, to assist her in taking care of her home and alert me (or a medical professional) in any medical emergency but she refuses.

Hi,LadyMelodina,
Your to nice and good to your Mum, Sometimes you have to be cruel to be Kind. You must put you foot down and act accordingly to what your brain tells you and not your heart.
We tend to control our diabetes to the best of our ability, your Mum is not as stubborn as you think, probably a little scared but not as scared as you.
You are doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances, however like Spiker suggest "reverse parenting" is going on and maybe your Mum should consider your health and take your good advice.

I hope things improve greatly for you and your lovely Mum, but most of all take care yourself which is most important.
Roy.

 

[Totto]

My advice is to let your mother grow up and take responsibility for her own condition. Granted, if she is depressed this may be a bit difficult. Still, your post gave me the feeling you are in an impossible situation. I understand the love and care you feel but anyway, you are both grown up and why it is so important to your mum that you take care of her? Or to you?

Usually it is mums that cant let go of the child. Is this her way of keeping you close, as she hasn't got anybody else? If so, is it your responsibility?

I come from a strange family too, with a diabetic mother. And father. And issues of all kinds and shapes but we have sorted them by now, mostly.

 

[Robinredbreast]

Hi everyone,

I think I should have joined this forum much earlier. I'm an only child and have often lived only with my mother, who is diabetic (type 1). Ever since I was eight, I take care of her and ensure she is okay. Circumstances have forced us to live apart in the last nine years but despite that I have been creative in making sure she is okay. She has always had a lot of staff (at home) who can also help in case of an emergency. Other than that I use our smartphones to ensure she is conscious and that her blood sugar levels are okay (i.e. I text regularly, when she is silent over a certain period of time I raise the alarm and send people to her home, I have a GPS tracker on her phone to see if, in case she does not respond to messages, she may be out of her home, distracted in an errand or something). Despite all of these methods, recently I failed to save her and she ended up in a hypoglycemic coma in her car. People found her and everything was okay in the end, but I am still traumatized by this incident, and many more incidents. I do not know what to do. I have been dealing with this for over 20 years and I don't know how much longer I can handle this. I always feel that she is being irresponsible and not taking care of herself, but not being diabetic myself I really do not know how true that is. I love her so much and worry about her so much but my own health and psychological well-being is really affected by all this.

To exacerbate the situation, in the past three years I have been working in the humanitarian field which is arguably the most stressful field to work in. This, along with my mother's health, is really affecting me. I am often sick and can feel my morale plummeting. My work situation is not good and my financial situation is okay at the moment but if my husband and I choose to start a family, there is no way our finances can handle it. The only option I have to progress in my work is to go on the field. Unfortunately this could mean places that are so far from my mother that even the time difference wouldn't allow us to speak. Not to mention being in a different country (or even city) makes me extremely nervous as I do not know if she will be okay and I only trust myself in ensuring she is fine and healthy.

I tell her to consider having a housekeeper, to assist her in taking care of her home and alert me (or a medical professional) in any medical emergency but she refuses. I just do not know what to do. Can anyone offer me any kind of advice? I hope nobody misunderstands me - before you jump to conclusions about me know that ever since I was eight I have been dealing with this completely by myself. No siblings, no father, no family to help. So be kind in your advice

Hi there Can I ask how old your mother is, and does she have other medical conditions that would affect her emotionally or physically?
I am on my own with a teenager and we have both lived with my diabetes, the good and the bad. I also had to look after and care for her since she was born and most of the time on my own. You sound as though you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and you have shown here what a caring and kind daughter you are. As you both have had only each other, it's quite understandable how you are feeling. Remember, you have your own life to lead and to enjoy it too. If your mother is refusing help from outside, she could be trying to keep you to herself and frightened to let go? Ask her why she is refusing help and ask her for a honest, truthful answer. Good luck and please take care of yourself.

 

[Patch13]

I can't see what country you are in, but I wonder if they have hypo alert dogs?

This might be a good option for her as a dog would provide some companionship (& may help her to feel less depressed) and would also be keeping her safe.




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[lizdeluz]

Would your mother be willing to move to a flat with a warden? I don't know how old she is, but it sounds as though she would be happier in a community setting where she has the independence of her own flat but with help at hand.

My mum and dad moved into a flat of this kind. They were in their late 80s and 90s but enjoyed the company of residents in adjoining flats. They had privacy and their own front door, but the reassurance of a warden who knew about them, their health issues, their doctor and health workers who occasionally visited them, about us - their daughters, who lived busy family lives at 50 and 100 miles distance respectively.

This is a difficult situation for you, but perhaps you and your husband can negotiate a safer and more independent style of living for your mum. I don't know about health care provision where your mum lives, but you might be able to organise support for her diabetes and depression.

It's good that you've explained your situation on the forum: it may be the first step in your finding an easier way of managing your lives. I know it can be heartbreaking - it was for me when I saw my parents coping less well as they aged, but, on the other hand, we can only do the best that we can do, and I'm sure your mum appreciates your concern for her. I say "Well done!" for what you've achieved so far!

 

[lizdeluz]

By the way, Melodina, residents don't have to be old to have access to this kind of accommodation. There are lots of people who need it, both younger and older. My parents' flat had alarm cords in each of their rooms, kitchen, lounge, bathroom and bedrooms. Another feature that helps is that the warden oversees the employing of contractors for plumbing, electricity, repairs etc, so life becomes easier for residents to manage safely.

 

[Jaylee]

OK I have a different spin on this.. Though I don't disagree with other comments..
You have been doing this since the age of 8..?
That's one hell of a responsibility for a kid. & dare I say it would probably result in some sort of "John McCarthy syndrome"?
You have as much right to your own life, as your mother's right to see what you have achieved... There is no shame in seeking professional counselling for yourself.. & you will find that you have done as much as you can for your mother. You both need new dignity to live both your own life's as mother & daughter accompanying the joy starting your new family...

Good luck..!

 

[LadyMelodina]

It's so nice to speak to you all about this on here. None of my friends ever understood diabetes and the same goes for my husband and his family.

Spiker - You are absolutely right. This is classic role reversal and it has been this way ever since I was eight. I'm 28 now, turning 29 in July. That particular incident, the one that happened recently in her car, was one of many. I have been so stressed at work and out of the office because of this. So in March I took 10 days off, and left my mother's key behind with a friend. While I was abroad I constantly texted my mother to see if she was okay. On the second to last day of our trip she was having another hypoglycemic episode. I alerted my friend who managed to get to her home in time and give her some juice. I was so angry and frustrated, the holiday was supposed to be a means to unwind! Anyway, point is, hypos (and hyper) happen often and it is clear to me that she does not manage on her own. Also, panic buttons are not available in my country. It is a developing country with poor medical services and a lot of political turmoil recently too. The private facilities are relatively reliable (except for when they misdiagnosed her jaundice and made her diabetic!!) but even they do not offer panic buttons. Either way, she wouldn't press it if she feels the hypo coming. She just passed out in her car recently. SO IRRESPONSIBLE! Completely skipped lunch for an errand that was in no way urgent.

Engineer88 - I think part of her poor management of her diabetes is that her parents made her feel ashamed of her diabetes! Can you imagine? They would hide her away when she would take her injections. They would tell her to never to say to people she was diabetic (imagine what would happen when she would have problems at work - nobody knew what to do!) I was the one that forced her to tell people, to accept it. Luckily the counsellors in my school were smart enough to give me the courage at the age of eight to do so. I think this contributed to her depression, that along with my father who has been a total disappointment to both of us. They had been separated for a long time but officially got divorced recently. She also retired a few months back, so I know she feels lonely. I just don't know how much support I can keep giving for it all. It has broken me once and I can feel it breaking me again. Especially now that I'm working in human rights and humanitarian support, it is all too much to handle.

Roy, Totto - If I put my foot down and something terrible happens, I do not know if I can ever forgive myself. When I try to push for having a housekeeper around, she dismisses the idea and even gets angry at me. My husband and a colleague both say she does this to get my attention but I am so worn out by it all. She doesn't have any immediate family, so I am the only one around. She has a sister but they are not on good terms, but that is it. I've been dealing with this since I was eight and ever since I was two I have been following her and my father around all over the world because of their careers. Now that I want to pursue my career abroad, it seems all doors are closed.

Robinredbreast - My mother is 60. She is not old but the way she has been interpreting her retirement and divorce is making her think so negatively. Culture plays a factor here too - people here often think retirement is the end! It's crazy, I'd love to retire myself! When I ask why she refuses having help she says she enjoys her privacy though her flat can offer her and a housekeeper a lot of privacy, if a few changes are done. And only a few, the space is more than enough for two people.

Patch13 - No hypo alert dogs here. It's a developing country - I've never seen insulin pumps here for instance. Her cat used to detect the hypo when she sleeps and would wake her up. That cat died in December - that really didn't help the situation. I keep suggesting getting her a cat but she refuses that too, says it was too painful to lose the cat and doesn't want to go through that again. I have been contemplating getting her a kitten anyway (or a dog but dogs are difficult to have in this city, no places to walk them, apartments only, etc.).

lizdeluz - That option is not available here unfortunately. Health care is the pits here. A misdiagnosis led to her being diabetic in the first place, so you can imagine... Oh and... no, often times she does not appreciate my concern. She sometimes apparently tells others that she appreciates it but rarely shows it to me. We had a huge row over this a month and a half ago and since then she has been relatively nice to me... I guess it must be the depression. I remember us being on better terms nine years ago when we lived in the same country and home. Now we live in the same city, but different houses.

Jaylee - The healthcare here is horrible, though I have mostly been living abroad (in Europe mainly). The only counselling I received was usually through my schools and that usually helped... Now I tried to seek counselling through my office, since we have staff welfare channels because our work in itself is so traumatising, but staff welfare never got back to me. I wrote them since November. That was very disappointing and extremely unprofessional.

 

[jack412]

you may need counseling, you and your mum seem codependent, It may also be a guilt trip and you feel indispensable. Life for your mum would go on even if you are killed in a car accident tomorrow.

 

[LadyMelodina]

Jack412 - If you take the time to read my last post, you will see that that I have already tried and it is not an option that is easily feasible in my situation. But yeah, thanks for your input.

 

[lizdeluz]

Keep talking to us, Melodina. It doesn't look like we can offer practical suggestions at the moment, but if you keep talking and getting feedback, you may see a way through this yourself.

Would your mother consider contributing her thoughts to the forum? She might get some help and enlightenment on her situation. It's easy to see that she's feeling down about things, but she's young at 60 and needs to find ways to support her own emotional life and remove this overwhelming burden from you.

Does she have any hobbies or interests, and what work did she do? I'm not being nosey, just wondering what things might help her, and, importantly, YOU!

Chat soon. Best wishes.
Luz
X

 

[Robinredbreast]

It's so nice to speak to you all about this on here. None of my friends ever understood diabetes and the same goes for my husband and his family.

Spiker - You are absolutely right. This is classic role reversal and it has been this way ever since I was eight. I'm 28 now, turning 29 in July. That particular incident, the one that happened recently in her car, was one of many. I have been so stressed at work and out of the office because of this. So in March I took 10 days off, and left my mother's key behind with a friend. While I was abroad I constantly texted my mother to see if she was okay. On the second to last day of our trip she was having another hypoglycemic episode. I alerted my friend who managed to get to her home in time and give her some juice. I was so angry and frustrated, the holiday was supposed to be a means to unwind! Anyway, point is, hypos (and hyper) happen often and it is clear to me that she does not manage on her own. Also, panic buttons are not available in my country. It is a developing country with poor medical services and a lot of political turmoil recently too. The private facilities are relatively reliable (except for when they misdiagnosed her jaundice and made her diabetic!!) but even they do not offer panic buttons. Either way, she wouldn't press it if she feels the hypo coming. She just passed out in her car recently. SO IRRESPONSIBLE! Completely skipped lunch for an errand that was in no way urgent.

Engineer88 - I think part of her poor management of her diabetes is that her parents made her feel ashamed of her diabetes! Can you imagine? They would hide her away when she would take her injections. They would tell her to never to say to people she was diabetic (imagine what would happen when she would have problems at work - nobody knew what to do!) I was the one that forced her to tell people, to accept it. Luckily the counsellors in my school were smart enough to give me the courage at the age of eight to do so. I think this contributed to her depression, that along with my father who has been a total disappointment to both of us. They had been separated for a long time but officially got divorced recently. She also retired a few months back, so I know she feels lonely. I just don't know how much support I can keep giving for it all. It has broken me once and I can feel it breaking me again. Especially now that I'm working in human rights and humanitarian support, it is all too much to handle.

Roy, Totto - If I put my foot down and something terrible happens, I do not know if I can ever forgive myself. When I try to push for having a housekeeper around, she dismisses the idea and even gets angry at me. My husband and a colleague both say she does this to get my attention but I am so worn out by it all. She doesn't have any immediate family, so I am the only one around. She has a sister but they are not on good terms, but that is it. I've been dealing with this since I was eight and ever since I was two I have been following her and my father around all over the world because of their careers. Now that I want to pursue my career abroad, it seems all doors are closed.

Robinredbreast - My mother is 60. She is not old but the way she has been interpreting her retirement and divorce is making her think so negatively. Culture plays a factor here too - people here often think retirement is the end! It's crazy, I'd love to retire myself! When I ask why she refuses having help she says she enjoys her privacy though her flat can offer her and a housekeeper a lot of privacy, if a few changes are done. And only a few, the space is more than enough for two people.

Patch13 - No hypo alert dogs here. It's a developing country - I've never seen insulin pumps here for instance. Her cat used to detect the hypo when she sleeps and would wake her up. That cat died in December - that really didn't help the situation. I keep suggesting getting her a cat but she refuses that too, says it was too painful to lose the cat and doesn't want to go through that again. I have been contemplating getting her a kitten anyway (or a dog but dogs are difficult to have in this city, no places to walk them, apartments only, etc.).

lizdeluz - That option is not available here unfortunately. Health care is the pits here. A misdiagnosis led to her being diabetic in the first place, so you can imagine... Oh and... no, often times she does not appreciate my concern. She sometimes apparently tells others that she appreciates it but rarely shows it to me. We had a huge row over this a month and a half ago and since then she has been relatively nice to me... I guess it must be the depression. I remember us being on better terms nine years ago when we lived in the same country and home. Now we live in the same city, but different houses.

Jaylee - The healthcare here is horrible, though I have mostly been living abroad (in Europe mainly). The only counselling I received was usually through my schools and that usually helped... Now I tried to seek counselling through my office, since we have staff welfare channels because our work in itself is so traumatising, but staff welfare never got back to me. I wrote them since November. That was very disappointing and extremely unprofessional.

Hi again thank you for your reply. I am going to admit my age now, I am 4 years younger than your mum, 56. So not a lot of difference in our ages.
It probably boils down to breaking those habits of a lifetime and having the courage, strength and willpower to do it.. And that I'm sure would help you too. At the end of the day it is your mother, not ours, and you would know her better than anyone else, as,we are just other people looking in. There is a solution to most things in life and I hope you and your mother will find it soon..

Bob Marley once quoted ' If you don't start from somewhere, you ain't going no where'

Take good care.

Good luck and take good care.

 

[Jaylee]

Hello again..

I am trying to find out which "developing country" your mother lives so as to understand the culture..?

What I do know (partly from an experience I had a number of years back.) is that there are certain people in this world who do not want to be saved..
These people almost punishing the good intentions of those trying to save them.. Real love & respect is when that person accepts help & changes their life for the better.
You seem to be doing good work in your life regarding the "humanitarian stuff" & you must be proud to see the positives that come from that.

To quote a famous Vulcan. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few"...

 

[Patch13]

Perhaps you could consider writing her a letter telling her the effect that her lack on control is having on you and your health. I find it easier to write things down and it gives me the time to explain things better, which in your delicate situation may help.

If she is feeling depressed (dependent upon how depressed) she may not be thinking about the effect that her behaviour has on you at all, but opening her eyes to it may give her a bit of a reason to start looking after herself more. If there is no counselling where you are from it might be worth looking online to see if there are any helpful resources she could use to help her depression / acceptance of diabetes.

Are there any diabetic support groups in your country? It might help for her to meet other people with diabetes. Or like other members suggested she could come on here. There are loads of people who may be able to help or just listen to how she feels about her diabetes.

 

[Spiker]

This sounds like a good case for family therapy, which is a bit like couple therapy, where the whole family is seen and treated. Primarily this type of therapy is available in the US, but perhaps you could get this privately?

It's such a difficult situation. I'm sorry that the solutions we suggested may not be viable. We can still listen even if we can't help with a solution.

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