My unglamorous symptoms: how the hell do I tell this guy the truth?

[JenLondon88]

I have only lived in UK a year but I am already an expert at complaining about the weather, a popular English pastime. I complain about the weather and my ****** job and the dating scene in London and it feels great… it makes me feel exactly like everyone else. I get to be the proverbial ostrich, I bury my head as deep in the sand as humanly possible and focus on all the unimportant ‘easy to handle’ topics like trying to drop a dress size and how the quality of the umbrellas available in Boots is getting worse and worse.

I have been diabetic for 22 years and have not always been (and quite frankly am still not) what you would call a ‘good diabetic’. As a result I have neuropathy, retinopathy and (my absolute favourite) autonomic neuropathy. Working in communications and having had extensive experience as a copy writer means that people expect me to be good at communicating… but this is something I battle to share. So here I am, on a Diabetic forum for the first time, bearing what feels like my soul, to complete strangers, hoping for some sort of semblance of normality and acceptance.

All my friends know I am diabetic and have seen my pump and possibly even bought a Coke to help me remedy a low but there are probably 3 people outside of my family who have ever seen me unwell. As a result, most of my friends think I am flaky, dramatic and a little down right crazy… and I am alright with that. The alternative is them knowing the truth and that is something I am not alright with.

The problem arises in that I have hidden my complications for so long I no longer know how to tell people about them. Remember that horrible dating scene I was talking about? Well I recently (somehow) managed to meet someone I actually like and who seems to actually like me back (it is a Christmas miracle).

We have been seeing each other exclusively for two months, I have met his parents and my friends absolutely love him. But he knows I am keeping something from him and I just cannot bring myself to say what I need to. How do I tell this man that under my completely average exterior lies a hotbed of unglamorous health complications?

The truth: I have confirmed retinopathy which I have regularly treated with laser therapy and Invastin injections.

What I say: My eyes are sensitive and I am as blind as a bat.

The truth: I have neuropathy and a jammed big toe which means I occasionally get ulcers that can take up to 6 months to heal. I am hyper sensitive to any form of touch from the ankle down.

What I say: I like comfy shoes and am too tall to wear heels or cute shoes anyway… I stick to trainers. And I am super ticklish so no pedicures or foot rubs for me thanks.

The truth: I have debilitating boats of symptoms relating to my autonomic neuropathy. They are often unpredictable and almost always happen in the evening and overnight. This spans from uncontrollable sweating (like I am running an ultra-marathon under the African sun) to phantom pains in my lower extremities. My most common symptom and definitely my most shameful is rampant diarrhoea and bowel incontinence which I suffer from at least three times a week (that is a good week). I take many precautions if I am out with people but sometimes things cannot be avoided.

What I say: Sometimes things related to my diabetes happen that I am not comfortable discussing. If I tell you I need to leave or be alone, do not ask if I am alright, do not try help, do not follow me…. Leave me the hell alone. And no, I do not like sleeping at anyone else’s house, I like my personal space!

I know my coping mechanisms are not exactly healthy but they do get me by. I find talking about it makes me feel incredibly depressed and I have always stuck with the philosophy that talking about it doesn’t change what I go through… so I simply pick up the pieces and carry on moving

I guess my question is… how the hell do I tell this guy the truth? Do I tell him the truth? How could a good looking, well educated, charismatic man in his late 20’s choose to stay with someone like me knowing all of the above?

 

[Juicyj]

@JenLondon88 Welcome on board the forum

First question - why are you keeping it a secret ? and also how do you manage it (that said with tongue in cheek!) ?

Being open in a relationship about everything is building good foundations for the future, not sharing something that is fundamental to you must be incredibly hard to cope with, after all if he's managed so far to stick with you warts and all, what's going to change if you tell him, he will be curious, will want to know if he can support you in any way. I wouldn't make a dramatic scene about telling him but I work on the theory that we are like pressure cookers, so the longer it takes to tell him then the more steam will be involved at the point you do, so it's easier just to come clean and explain what it is, perhaps maybe save all the extras until he's ready to ask, but trust me there is nothing dark/wrong about telling him about something that is part of you, he will probably be quite relieved when you do..

 

[Deleted Account]

The way we share is different for each of us but I know from experience it is not a comfortable thing to tell someone about.
But, diabetes is part of me and any one who is interested in me has to cope with me managing diabetes (which is different to managing my diabetes for me).
I waited for a few dates before I told any boyfriend about diabetes. And then didn't make it a big deal - I just tested my BG in front of them and said something nonchalant like "Oh yeah, I have diabetes."
When it comes to further complications, I would leave that to the guy to ask. If he cares and he is interested, he should ask questions.

 

[Robinredbreast]

I know how awful it is in the dating game when you mention Type 1 diabetes, one crass individual, online, asked if I was on a dating site because of it and likened type 1 to Aids/HIV. I was horrified, angry too and deleted him, others have had a look online about type 1 and never got back.
To the OP, just be honest, but don't make a big deal about it, as diabetes is just a small part of who you are. If the guy doesn't like what you tell him, well at least you know he is not good enough for you and you can move on, I know from experience. There must be some nice one's out there, but it can be difficult and the longer you leave it, the worse it will be.
Good luck, please don't hide it any longer as it's not fair on either of you, all the best x

 

[ickihun]

I look at it like this......
If he had same problems would it change anything?
No

So expect the same respect you give. If no respect about your health problems then maybe the wrong guy for you?

You are worthy of being loved (adored, in some cases) so don't settle for less.
Warts and all.

Just remember no one is perfect, no pedestals for him when he loves you TOTALLY. You deserve the same love as everyone else.
Go get it!

 

[Chook]

*Big hug*

I'm not very good with secrets - I once went out with someone for a couple of months before telling him I had a 5 y/o daughter (she's 39 now) - we broke up over it but not because of my daughter but because he couldn't understand why I would keep such an important secret from him.

If I were you I'd print off your original post and give it to him to read. I just asked my husband what he thinks and he said if your friend can't cope then he isn't a keeper.

 

[azure]

Good advice from @Chook I think many people are more annoyed/upset at having a secret kept from them than the secret itself.

Once you're fairly sure he's 'the one' then I'd tell him in steps. That way you can inform him gradually rather than drop a whole load of information on him. But I'd do these steps fairly quickly and not drag them out. You could be guided by his reaction.

Basically, if he's going to be put off someone because of health problems then it's best you know now. You might find he responds very kindly and you then regret not telling him sooner.

If he asks why you didn't mention all this before, think what you're going to say and phrase it in a way that doesn't make him think you don't trust him.

 

[rosedreams]

@JenLondon88 Welcome on board the forum

First question - why are you keeping it a secret ? and also how do you manage it (that said with tongue in cheek!) ?

Being open in a relationship about everything is building good foundations for the future, not sharing something that is fundamental to you must be incredibly hard to cope with, after all if he's managed so far to stick with you warts and all, what's going to change if you tell him, he will be curious, will want to know if he can support you in any way. I wouldn't make a dramatic scene about telling him but I work on the theory that we are like pressure cookers, so the longer it takes to tell him then the more steam will be involved at the point you do, so it's easier just to come clean and explain what it is, perhaps maybe save all the extras until he's ready to ask, but trust me there is nothing dark/wrong about telling him about something that is part of you, he will probably be quite relieved when you do..

Absolutely Juicyj, and JenLondon88, the truth is part of you. If he can't take it for what it is, what's the point in dating him? For all you know, he may have something you don't know about but even if he doesn't, if you calmly and undramatically open the subject, as @Juicyj said, not showing inacceptance of it yourself because it is part of you, what's the worse he could do? Tell you "Sorry darling, I seem to have forgotten my manners and human compassion somewhere, I am shocked by your revelations and must leave now, goodbye!". I don't think so. He's intelligent and charming from what you said. Unfortunately diabetes carries a doomful impression of becoming a liability as it gets older, especially if you're independent and love your own space, like I do, and you choose who and what to tell about it. But look how you're living your life, you're not a liability, not some burden of depressing thoughts that diabetic complications represent. You're bright and active and cope with awful things like neuropathy and retinopathy yet carry on working and socialising. Pat yourself on the back for dealing with something most non-diabetics could never comprehend, and it's not their fault.
Look at how previously "healthy" people adapt to their life turning upside down when they're diagnosed diabetic. The human mind is amazing, it is so adaptable, minds open when there's change. If you want to enjoy your dating partner please relax about your inner truth and let him share it. If he hates it then he's not worthy of you, not mature enough for you. But I don't want to say that about him because I think you haven't given him a chance to show his real inner person, which is what truth brings out in people, good or bad. You'll know him better and he'll know you much better when you tell him.

If you don't know how to start, just begin by saying you've diabetic since...., explaining briefly that you inject and how you feel about managing it. It's not like you're telling him you dress up as a monster at night and go haunting people's houses. It's a fact in your life. Look and feel relaxed about it when you tell him, not worried he may reject you. You have a life and manage it, you don't need someone to judge you ignorantly, you need a simple understanding of the truth. And if he's worthy of you, he'll respond as any decent human being would.

I've only posted twice already and I'm probably getting a reputation for being the one who does long posts, this is another long one....but I feel for what you said and just want you to get a grip on the fact it's part of you that comes with the package, no need to hide it, and frankly to hell with anyone narrow minded or arrogant enough to be turned off by what life brought upon you. This sounds super corny, but love yourself and he will love you. You just go and talk about it gently and no drama, look forward to being completely 100 per cent honest. And know that you're not alone, go for it and keep us posted.

 

[Bluemarine Josephine]

Starting a new relationship is exciting. It’s also a big deal because if you want things to get serious then seriousness involves having a talk about specifics.

Although there are definitely things that you should know about someone before you date them, since you’re not perfect, there are things you need to share as well and, more importantly and perhaps even more obvious, is the fact that being up front and honest in the beginning is better than surprising your partner later on in the relationship.

While I strongly feel that you don’t need to share certain things of your past (your sexual past for example) or anything else that’s definitely not your partner’s business, there are still some things that they deserve to know. Just like you deserve to know some specifics about them.

People deserve to know what they are getting into and they deserve to make an educated choice regarding their future. Tricking someone into a future that he has no idea about (just because you want it) is dishonest and selfish. In my view, this attitude of yours is what should worry you more than your diabetes.

Regards

Josephine

 

[JenLondon88]

Thanks for all the love and support… it means the world!

To clarify Bluemarine Josephine, I have told him all about my diabetes, I have showed him how my meter works and even roped him into understanding my carb counting. I have told him what to do when I am hypo and the symptoms of a hyper. But these are all easy topics for me.

Telling him that I am a 28 year old who suffers from chronic incontinence is probably the hurdle I need to summon the bravery to face.

 

[JenLondon88]

Starting a new relationship is exciting. It’s also a big deal because if you want things to get serious then seriousness involves having a talk about specifics.

Although there are definitely things that you should know about someone before you date them, since you’re not perfect, there are things you need to share as well and, more importantly and perhaps even more obvious, is the fact that being up front and honest in the beginning is better than surprising your partner later on in the relationship.

While I strongly feel that you don’t need to share certain things of your past (your sexual past for example) or anything else that’s definitely not your partner’s business, there are still some things that they deserve to know. Just like you deserve to know some specifics about them.

People deserve to know what they are getting into and they deserve to make an educated choice regarding their future. Tricking someone into a future that he has no idea about (just because you want it) is dishonest and selfish. In my view, this attitude of yours is what should worry you more than your diabetes.

Regards

Josephine

I would hope that someone who seems as optimistic and engaged as yourself can see how this is a difficult thing. This is not a conversation about diabetes but more a opening up about the complications that come with it. I have openly admitted that my coping mechanisms are not exactly the healthiest but as helensaramay pointed out, we all cope and share in different ways. I am not trying to trick anyone and have come to the online community to help me face an awkward and slightly soul destroying conversation which I need to face in person over the next few weeks. A comment about my attitude being a problem is not a constructive comment but thank you for your input anyway.

 

[pleinster]

Thanks for all the love and support… it means the world!

To clarify Bluemarine Josephine, I have told him all about my diabetes, I have showed him how my meter works and even roped him into understanding my carb counting. I have told him what to do when I am hypo and the symptoms of a hyper. But these are all easy topics for me.

Telling him that I am a 28 year old who suffers from chronic incontinence is probably the hurdle I need to summon the bravery to face.

Hiya. Thanks for sharing your concerns...you may well be helping someone else here right now just by talking about it. You also help others (and yourself) by being open about things when it is probably appropriate. Lots of people have hang up about their conditions and the personal issues arising from them, and the more people reveal at least a little bit the more comfortable everybody gets about such issues.

I would say that there are two ways to look at this. 1] If I was a guy going out with someone who was deeply stressed about how I would feel about something very personally challenging for them, I would want to know relatively early in the relationship/dating process so I could reassure you (and feel good that you were comfortable enough with me to share it...or I...if I was a more shallow individual who thought it was too difficult for me to cope with even though it's you who really has to cope with it...I'd be very pleasant and encouraging and then ease out of things with minimum damage to you); 2] You absolutely owe it to yourself and to your long term emotional well being to find out if this guy is shallow plonker you are best shot of now!

Think how good you are going to feel if he is absolutely above it. Either way, empower yourself by finding out. Goo luck - I hope he's not a let down.

 

[ickihun]

@JenLondon88
I think what I would do is ask him what he understands about diabetes type1 and all it entails. Tell him your fears, if any of what your future holds (health wise).
Then tell him you have a few relating medical problems from the diabetes.
Tell him what they are and how optimistically it doesn't stop you having a happy fun life.
Once he's reassured your happy as just Jen he will not be unhappy to join your happy, fun lifestyle. Why wouldnt he want to have fun and happiness with you.
It those times that carry you through very difficult periods in any relationship.
Make it fun and a positive tale. When he sees you're happy, so will he be.
Seriousness doesn't have to be a misery, right?

 

[tigger]

@ickihun is right. How you present it is how it will be received. It sounds like you've covered the main issue which is having type 1 therefore leaving out some of the less savoury, really private details is not so unreasonable particularly in an area which the British find deeply embarrassing.

How he reacts will say more about him than you. No one knows what life has around the next corner for them. Not ill wishing you but you may be ill/incapacitated in the future and his reaction will tell you whether he would stay or walk. That says more about him than you.

In order to have a deep relationship you have to be open about your private details which means opening yourself to rejection. This is why relationships are scary. It's worth it though to have a good relationship.

On more practical matters, have you ever read the Bernstein book? I'm not sure what your regime is but I think he claims he managed to reverse complications with the regime he used. It's a really tough regime (very low carb and lots of small injections) but may be worth looking into.

Also are you sure your incontinence is neuropathy related? A number of people on here have talked about gastroparesis as a complication (not one the hospital ever scared me with before) which sounds very similar. @donnellysdogs can tell you more/point you to appropriate links. My understanding from her posts is there are ways to manage it.

 

[covknit]

Thanks for all the love and support… it means the world!

To clarify Bluemarine Josephine, I have told him all about my diabetes, I have showed him how my meter works and even roped him into understanding my carb counting. I have told him what to do when I am hypo and the symptoms of a hyper. But these are all easy topics for me.

Telling him that I am a 28 year old who suffers from chronic incontinence is probably the hurdle I need to summon the bravery to face.

humm why tell him? There is no law saying we have to discuss all our bodily functions with anyone.
You say in your first post that you have told your friends to give you space at certain times. I guess you have said that to him. Next time it happens and there are not too many other people around just say something jokey to cover your "leave me alone time" and cover it with the "too much information" in a love you too much sort of way.

We all cover up certain things and I am sure no-one discusses everything in precise detail. There is no need to identify which side effects of diabetes affect you but find a list of them and let him see the screen. I do that with information I do not want to discuss and we have been together over 40 years. I would hand him the laptop with the relevant page and leave the room saying something jokey like "well I would never let you know that". We all have difficult stuff from time to time but we are perfect and perspire never sweat. My hubby reads it and never referrs to it again but he knows.

 

[DaftThoughts]

humm why tell him? There is no law saying we have to discuss all our bodily functions with anyone.
You say in your first post that you have told your friends to give you space at certain times. I guess you have said that to him. Next time it happens and there are not too many other people around just say something jokey to cover your "leave me alone time" and cover it with the "too much information" in a love you too much sort of way.

We all cover up certain things and I am sure no-one discusses everything in precise detail. There is no need to identify which side effects of diabetes affect you but find a list of them and let him see the screen. I do that with information I do not want to discuss and we have been together over 40 years. I would hand him the laptop with the relevant page and leave the room saying something jokey like "well I would never let you know that". We all have difficult stuff from time to time but we are perfect and perspire never sweat. My hubby reads it and never referrs to it again but he knows.

I'm really glad this works out for you! A lot of people don't do well with that approach though. Some things have a profound effect on daily life and can interfere with normal everyday things in ways that make these vague explanations inadequate. Friends you see maybe a few hours a week are not the same as a partner you may be spending entire days with. At some point the explanations only raise more questions and make a partner feel frustrated and helpless.

I mean, I suffer from IBS, it gets in the way of a lot of things when it flares up. If I consistently just tell my partner I'm 'feeling unwell' it is too vague and allows misinterpretations. I don't want my partner to feel inadequate because I turned down sex for the umpteenth time this week. It doesn't really help to say 'It's not you, it's me' or 'Too much information'. But saying I have an IBS flareup and I don't trust my body during sex, or I'm in too much discomfort to enjoy myself or my partner, gives factual information that leaves no guesswork on the partner's end and removes any blame. People are really good at filling in the blanks and the vaguer we are, the more opportunity we give someone to think they're doing something wrong. This can (and has) lead to breaks in relationships.

Communication is so important in relationships, and openness is part of that for many, many people. There's nothing wrong if vagueness works for your relationship, but obviously that's not the case for the OP. There's a difference between a random case of diarrhea once every couple of months that you don't need to share, versus a chronic condition where it's pretty much standard in your day.

 

[covknit]

I'm really glad this works out for you! A lot of people don't do well with that approach though. Some things have a profound effect on daily life and can interfere with normal everyday things in ways that make these vague explanations inadequate. Friends you see maybe a few hours a week are not the same as a partner you may be spending entire days with. At some point the explanations only raise more questions and make a partner feel frustrated and helpless.

I mean, I suffer from IBS, it gets in the way of a lot of things when it flares up. If I consistently just tell my partner I'm 'feeling unwell' it is too vague and allows misinterpretations. I don't want my partner to feel inadequate because I turned down sex for the umpteenth time this week. It doesn't really help to say 'It's not you, it's me' or 'Too much information'. But saying I have an IBS flareup and I don't trust my body during sex, or I'm in too much discomfort to enjoy myself or my partner, gives factual information that leaves no guesswork on the partner's end and removes any blame. People are really good at filling in the blanks and the vaguer we are, the more opportunity we give someone to think they're doing something wrong. This can (and has) lead to breaks in relationships.

Communication is so important in relationships, and openness is part of that for many, many people. There's nothing wrong if vagueness works for your relationship, but obviously that's not the case for the OP. There's a difference between a random case of diarrhea once every couple of months that you don't need to share, versus a chronic condition where it's pretty much standard in your day.

Know about IBS. Been there. Done that. It is horrible. Although in my day it was treated with antibiotic. You wanna discuss erosive esophagitis and testicular cancer putting a downer on romping from time to time. Never mind all the joys life has to offer through the years.

It is a suggested for OP to consider along with her knowledge of their personalities and the nature of their relationship. I rather think boyfriend would then have enough information to ask any questions he feels comfortable with at a time of his choosing when he has had time to "do his own research" rather than bombard him with the whole scenario probably in one go. I get the impression this relationship is less than one year old. Boyfriend might feel threatened about the "full on" detail being a precursor to the "happy families for evermore" wedding bells next week scenario.

My ma in law lived with us for several years and we all knew she had incontinemce and dealt with it in a fact of life sort of way without "discussing it". Deep cleaning furniture, bedding, dealing with the ahem. I had to wipe my grans bum in her final weeks but do not recall "sharing" that with anyone

I have done what needs to be done with rats or kitty kill and hubby clears the drains without any need to "discuss" what we are doing. There are times we do need to share. The most recent example was a thread someone posted a few days ago about "being rude" (promise that was what the thread was about...oh dear) and that answered something that had happened pre diagnosis. I showed him the page and I really do not want to rake over history. He now has the information he needs if he feels there is something to pursue. Personally I would much rather chat about what we are going to eat, see, do and oops it is time for me to take more of my 22 eyedrops per day. There are times hubby has to put them in my eyes. Oh and I cannot bend to cut my own toe nails on my right leg.

 

[librarising]

I just asked my husband what he thinks and he said if your friend can't cope then he isn't a keeper.

Exactly. If he likes you without diabetes, but doesn't like you with it, he DOESN'T like you. @Chook 's husband is right.
Geoff

 

[tim2000s]

@covknit it's also worth considering there is a big difference between being diagnosed with something during an existing relationship/marriage and entering the relationship with that condition. I know that my partner would not have wanted me to hide health conditions from her when we first got together.

That may also be an age thing coming in to play. For many people it is very disrespectful not to be open about your health going into a new relationship.

 

[Tinkle]

@JenLondon88 if you're still on the boards it may help to know we suffer from the same issue, are basically the same age and I totally get it...how do you say to someone that you'd love to sleepover but they may wake up with your poo on them?! When you live with it the issue becomes matter of fact but the reality is not so simple.
Only actually it really is! If you don't get worked up then the guy won't get worked up and the likelihood is you wouldn't let yourself get so close to someone you don't feel you can trust. Also remember it's not all the time - tummy issues are way more common than you'd think.
You are obviously resilient - you hold down a job in communications, you've kept going when many would stop. You're not pretending to live- you are living, you're not living a double life- you are living your life. And you're not alone.
Anyhoo happy to share my coping tips if you like (not that I'm a pro, I could do with tips too!!).