Struggling to find the motivation to look after myself.

[JamesCType1]

I don't know why i'm writing this, i'm not looking for sympathy and there's a good chance i'll ignore any advice offered, but it's nice to think that perhaps someone out there will read this and at least understand.

I'm 25, diagnosed as type 1 in may 2011, and over the past couple of years, not due to a misunderstanding of my condition but seemingly just from laziness and apathy, I have mostly given up on looking after myself and effectively managing this disease.

My prescription is for Novorapid (fast-acting) and Lantus (Basal).

I entirely stopped taking Lantus about 18 months ago, and roughly estimate how much NovoRapid to take with each meal, I haven't tested my own blood sugar levels for at least a year, and have been ignoring calls from my GP since the last appointment I attended in 2015.

Although I regularly exercise through running and weightlifting, and to look at me you would assume i'm very healthy, I actually live an incredibly unhealthy lifestyle. To use the last 7 days as an example of a roughly typical week I would estimate I have drank around 15 bottles of wine, 40+ pints of beer and a couple of bottles of spirits, and on top of this sniffed around 6-8 grams of cocaine. I generally eat takeaways at least 4 times a week, sometimes relatively healthy, sometimes not. I work around 60-75 hours a week, managing a restaurant, where I spend my entire time on my feet, sometimes 15+ hours each day - on a shift like that I will generally have 2 decent meals but take no insulin with them, gradually feeling worse as the shift goes on until finally taking a huge dose when I get home and eat again, but this dose is always an estimate and rarely enough, I spend so much of my time feeling thirsty it just feels normal now.

My lifestyle, as well as being unhealthy, is incredibly expensive and I have spent years living beyond my means. Today I went in to town to pick up a few things and had all of my cards declined, I've been so scared to look at my accounts for so long that I didn't realise that I had maxed out all my credit cards and my available overdraft. I pay rent again in 8 days and have no idea how i'm going to do so, and am probably going to have to resort to selling some of my possessions.

Although I don't live close to family, I have many friends nearby and work in a very sociable industry, but I have no interest in burdening any of these people with my ********, I've put myself in this position and it's no one's job but mine to get me out of it. But I don't care enough to get myself out of this situation, I'm only looking for a way for it to all go away without any real effort from myself. I want to just get on a plane and disappear, but couldn't do it to my family.

If anyone's read this far, thank you for persevering, i'm off to the gym now as at least it brings me some happiness or at least satisfaction. I'll be back in a couple of hours.

 

[archersuz]

Hi @JamesCType1 I'm afraid that I can't offer any help or advice as I am T2. What I can do however is tag @Juicyj one of the mods, who may be able to offer some support.

 

[SockFiddler]

No advice, no pithy words of kindness or wisdom. Just a link:

https://www.diabetes.co.uk/emotions/diabetes-burnout.html

You're at the start of a process. Walk it and stay with us. You don't have to post. If you do post, you don't have to read any of the replies. But you're welcome, you're not alone and there are many, many people who can relate to what you're saying.

 

[Antje77]

The most sensible things I could advise are 1 : speak to your GP (find a GP?) to talk about a possible burn-out. And 2 : find a social worker or such to help you get on top of your financial problems. Both will need effort from yourself, I'm sorry for that. Hope you had a fine work out at the gym! Good luck and I hope you'll make things easier for yourself in the near future !

 

[Mike d]

That is one deep and dark pit James. Honest and also brutal. No advice from me since you won't read it

I lied about that last bit ... I really wanna say something about your age, your habits and your life ahead

 

[Leeannea]

Writing here was step 1. Step 2, pick 1 thing and 1 thing only, no matter how small, to work on and improve.
Good luck. Leeanne

 

[lindijanice]

Hey JamesCType1, well you have made a good mess of things to be sure and only you can take that first step that is required to turn things around. No sympathy here just encouragement to try Leeannea's suggestion of "one thing" - make that your mantra. Blessings/L

 

[Fairygodmother]

Hi JamesCType1, it’s the early hours of the morning and I’m awake checking bs having just changed my basal insulin. I’ve also just picked my jaw up from the floor. You drink how many bottles of wine a week? How much beer? Work how many hours?!!!!

I’m astonished you’ve not collapsed yet, and not from T1. Do you enjoy this lifestyle or has it got you by the throat and won’t let go?

If what you’ve told us is correct then it’s time to fight back. You should be able to get food at the restaurant you work at, water from the tap. Your rent’s another matter. You need to talk to the credit card providers before your debt multiplies further and look for a debt management strategy. For instance https://www.gov.uk/options-for-paying-off-your-debts/debt-management-plans.

There’s hope.

There’s also https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/addiction-and-dependency/

 

[Lauriem1967]

Sounds like you might be needing some love, ️.

The forum is great for venting and for realizing that we’re not alone in whatever we’re dealing with .

Diabetes is not an easy thing to cope with. Sometimes it’s hard to find our way.

Good luck,

 

[Robinredbreast]

Hi, I have read similar stories like yours, especially from your age group and you have made a start by posting, that took guts. You know the Ostrich syndrome (burying your head in the sand) you have it ! You probably know what to do for a better future, so if you want that, then try to do it. Some useful links, all the best.

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/tired-of-type-1-tips-for-dealing-with-diabetes-burnout-0310174
https://www.diabetes.org.uk/guide-to-diabetes/life-with-diabetes/diabetes-burnout
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/contact-us/web-chat-service/

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

 

[Happyhomelands]

I don't know why i'm writing this, i'm not looking for sympathy and there's a good chance i'll ignore any advice offered, but it's nice to think that perhaps someone out there will read this and at least understand.

I'm 25, diagnosed as type 1 in may 2011, and over the past couple of years, not due to a misunderstanding of my condition but seemingly just from laziness and apathy, I have mostly given up on looking after myself and effectively managing this disease.

My prescription is for Novorapid (fast-acting) and Lantus (Basal).

I entirely stopped taking Lantus about 18 months ago, and roughly estimate how much NovoRapid to take with each meal, I haven't tested my own blood sugar levels for at least a year, and have been ignoring calls from my GP since the last appointment I attended in 2015.

Although I regularly exercise through running and weightlifting, and to look at me you would assume i'm very healthy, I actually live an incredibly unhealthy lifestyle. To use the last 7 days as an example of a roughly typical week I would estimate I have drank around 15 bottles of wine, 40+ pints of beer and a couple of bottles of spirits, and on top of this sniffed around 6-8 grams of cocaine. I generally eat takeaways at least 4 times a week, sometimes relatively healthy, sometimes not. I work around 60-75 hours a week, managing a restaurant, where I spend my entire time on my feet, sometimes 15+ hours each day - on a shift like that I will generally have 2 decent meals but take no insulin with them, gradually feeling worse as the shift goes on until finally taking a huge dose when I get home and eat again, but this dose is always an estimate and rarely enough, I spend so much of my time feeling thirsty it just feels normal now.

My lifestyle, as well as being unhealthy, is incredibly expensive and I have spent years living beyond my means. Today I went in to town to pick up a few things and had all of my cards declined, I've been so scared to look at my accounts for so long that I didn't realise that I had maxed out all my credit cards and my available overdraft. I pay rent again in 8 days and have no idea how i'm going to do so, and am probably going to have to resort to selling some of my possessions.

Although I don't live close to family, I have many friends nearby and work in a very sociable industry, but I have no interest in burdening any of these people with my ********, I've put myself in this position and it's no one's job but mine to get me out of it. But I don't care enough to get myself out of this situation, I'm only looking for a way for it to all go away without any real effort from myself. I want to just get on a plane and disappear, but couldn't do it to my family.

If anyone's read this far, thank you for persevering, i'm off to the gym now as at least it brings me some happiness or at least satisfaction. I'll be back in a couple of hours.

Wow, James I can't comment about type 1 but I have worked in pubs and restaurants.

You have made a big step by writing all this down in one place. It is an admission to yourself.

Work, drink, drugs, debt. I think you have the strength to get out of this but you will need some support. The one small step at a time works, using the links posted today find your support, social worker, gp, other professional. That's a good first step.

Good luck, keep moving in the right direction. I'm glad you have found satisfaction from your gym.

Please continue to post. You are not alone.

 

[Juicyj]

Hi @JamesCType1 and welcome, that took some courage. I sense your pretty clued up on what changes need to be made here, and from what I can gather you need to do something soon. It’s sounds like it’s not so much burn out, but it’s more like denial, there comes a point and you will have no choice but to do something. Can you talk to family or friends about what is really going on in your life ?

Help is available in all areas, so sorting your alcohol and drug addictions, debt and your type 1, but unless you ask for help then each issue will become an obstacle.

Ultimately you need to think about a lifestyle choice here, is working in a restaurant sustainable for your mental and physical health.

Start by writing down what’s important to you and ranking each item, you will see what needs to take priority but trying to manage everything at once is like climbing Everest in your flip flops and shorts. So start with for instance rent and get some assistance to get the immediate living issue solved, sell possessions but get the rent paid then think about reducing your spending etc.

It will take courage to face your issues so I hope you can find the strength to make the changes you need to work through this. We are all ears here so any support guidance we can offer we will but please keep chatting, sounds like you need support right now.

 

[Fairygodmother]

Hi again, if you talk to your landlord they might give you a short delay for paying rent so you don’t have to sell your possessions. @Juicyj’s advice to take one thing at a time’s great - well I think it is. Having a list’s a start, and ticking off each thing you’ve done is a fantastic mood-raiser.
If you can bear to read any of what we’ve written I hope it’s making you feel that you’re not alone in this. I know you said you don’t want sympathy so here’s a friendly growl.

 

[tayelola]

Good start and best of luck.

 

[first14808]

Seek professional help!

I'd suggest..

Write down a list of all your expenses, and income. Be honest, ie all bills, rent and how much you're spending on food, drink & drugs. I'm guessing those must be around £400/week, and a major health risk to you. This will be painful, but necessary to see how deep in the hole you are.. Which you must be realising, or you wouldn't have posted this.. Which is good, because the drink and drugs would have helped you ignore the problems that are building.

Then take that to the CAB and ask for help. They can recommend debt advisors, and addiction support services. I'd also recommend going to your GP and explaining what's been happening as they can also refer you for help & support. That would cover your diabetes, plus I think you're very high risk of burnout and depression.. Which happened with me. Live fast, then crash & burn.

The good news is help and support are available. Especially if you take action now, rather than wait for final demands, debt collectors and possibly eviction. And the good news on that is if you can cut the spending on drink and drugs, that'll free up a good chunk of cash to start paying down the debt. The debt advisors can help with that, and negotiate affordable payment plans with your bank/credit card companies.

But good luck, and recognising you have a problem's the big step to dealing with it.

 

[Runica]

This is my first post, I'm a lurker exroadinaire.

I understand. Self destructive, bolshy, suicidal, independent, addictive personality sees similar.

You have answered your own question by posting, it effectively says "I have made a review of my life and decided I should continue to breathe for at least a few more years." Now you know you don't want to follow the path of slow death, you can breathe easy and live fully.

That's the most difficult bit over and done with. The rest, such as substance issues, work, rent, debt, etc, become mere semantics, details. You are young, energetic, intelligent, educated and brutally honest, which should allow you to deal with any of these any way you please, at any time. Don't worry about how you're going to do it, just do it and worry about how you got so much done after the fact.

You've done similar before, right?

Quit lurking around here. Work to do, stuff to see, people to meet.

Sending you my kindest regards and strongest virtual arm wrestle xxx

 

[Draco16]

Hi @JamesCType1 well done for posting this, you've set things out well.

I can understand much of it, though maybe not to these extremes! I think you're drinking about 20x the weekly recommendation!

There's obviously lots of things going on but you can get there with little steps.

Maybe your friends and family wouldn't find it a burden to help or at least listen. Some people never feel more alive than when they have the chance to help others.

You titled this "struggling to find the motivation..." (so you had it once). But then stated things have gone wrong the last couple of years - what caused this change?

 

[Bic]

Hi James@CType1, you are surely amazing in finding time and energy to hit the gym!
Only be careful, 'cause when your BG is high, exercise may be counter-indicated… Can make it higher, I mean. If you like exercising, I wonder if that could provide motivation to better look after yourself… Just guessing, I can't be sure.
Keep posting, you're not alone.

 

[phdiabetic]

First step, make that doctor's appointment! You need to make a lot of changes, but the best way to do that is with the support of a healthcare professional. I know you said you didn't want to burden anyone, but a small thing you could ask your friends to do is be accountability buddies - let them know what you're trying to achieve, and ask them to remind you if you forget things. For example, if you are trying to increase the number of times you test, get your friends to remind you before meals you have with them. It's a small thing so you won't feel like you're putting a lot of pressure on them to help out. And I'm sure they will be glad to.

 

[Honeyend]

You remind me of my daughter, for some reason she knows all the right things to do and often choses the wrong ones. In her case, I do not think this may apply to you, it's fear of failure and comparing themselves to others. A self fore filling prophecy, I am rubbish so there is not point in trying. And I think we are all a bit like that, I hate paperwork and do everything at the last minute so if its wrong, that my excuse.
I do not know what will be your switch, but at some point you will decide that trying is the only option. If you really want help there is always someone who will, and I would try family first, as a parent I give my daughters my free and frank opinion but always help, and your family may be waiting for the call, but you may have to accept that the help you get may not be exactly the help you want. But you will not be alone and will have someone to share your troubles.
Where money is concerned there are lots of people with the same problem, I would go to CAB with your bag of bills and make start. You are smart, you can do it.