Unsupportive partner?

[Curly604]

Hi,

Just wondering if anyone else has or has had a unsupportive partner when it comes to diabetes management?

Firstly I know he worries a lot and I know he cares but is just useless to helping with my diabetes.

I am very strict with myself and the other week I allowed myself a treat a magnums ice cream. Since then he buys me one every time he goes to the shop! He still buys so much rubbish food and sits and stuffs his face in front of me ( there is no way i expect him to change his life 100% but a bit of consideration? ). I have brought lots of books and read as much as I can I try and show him things and letters eye but he takes zero interest.

On the flip side he has recently changed his job I was the one that searched for jobs, he had to take a test with about 3days notice. I found and organised some revision material for him etc.

Is he just burying his head in the sand (his sister has type 1 and very bad control) or is it just a lads thing?

Any advice how I can approach and educate him without nagging? Need to discuss soon otherwise I will snap!

Sorry rant over

 

[wholefrost]

My partner of 14 year left me 1 week after telling her. got 3 confused kiddies

 

[JRW]

Personally I have taken the approach to be autonomous with regards to managing my diabetes, as much as I love my wife I don't expect her to be an expert, or help me beyond basics such as having a hypo At the end of the day I go to work every day and manage it, go to the gym and manage it, and travel etc managing it, I'd hate to depend on someone else for that, even my wife.

With regard to the job stuff, just sounds like a lax attitude (about as generous as I can get).

 

[Robinredbreast]

My partner of 14 year left me 1 week after telling her. got 3 confused kiddies

How awful for you and the children too

 

[himtoo]

this is a really difficult one -- he could be burying his head , or feeling guilty , or unable to show his true emotion, or loads of other things that skirt the issues without facing them head on.

most of us don't want to row over issues -I know I don't -- but my wife and I definitely have our moments and a lot of the time the D is in the firing line -- stress from many sources can be playing their part and the D is an added one that some people don't have but adds to yours -- and to my relationship - we just have to try and work through things the best we can

I am reading this back thinking what a useless response but there is no easy answer to relationships -- talk to him in the calmest manner you can and try to find common ground

 

[Jaylee]

Hi,

I don't see your partner as "unsupportive"... Attentive with a lack of creativity,. I would hazard a guess..

You ate an ice cream & it must have "inprinted" on your bloke that you enjoyed the experience. He may even wrongly assume diabetics can eat them.?

One can only account for oneself with regards to diabetes...

 

[lizdeluz]

Try a bit of reverse psychology: don't tell him anything about diabetes at all. Carry on regardless with your self-care, insulins, hypo kits, research into diet, great meals, exercise, a diabetes tattoo, ID, nice diabetes kit or jewellery, and forum, and say absolutely nothing until he asks or begs for info. Never tell him off if he buys you an ice-cream, just put it in the freezer if you don't want to eat it when he says. It won't matter if this doesn't 'work', because at the same time you'll be feeling relaxed that you have a new secret strategy to protect yourself from feeling hurt and fed-up. If his attitude changes for the better: GREAT! If it doesn't, the great thing will be that yours has. Result!

 

[doyco385]

I had the same issue. I think its an empathy issue. The fact that we all live with a ongoing condition means that we have had to adapt ourselves to make sure that we have the life that we deserve. We have it a wee bit harder than most and we appreciate things that little bit more, but also are able to see others who are going through a hard time. Maybe im talking for myself here but being a diabetic has changed the person I would have been, I believe. I dont think I would be as caring or be doing the things I do without being a diabetic.

Your partner doesn't have to change because of the fact that you're a diabetic. If he is worrying about your diabetes then he obviously cares. Maybe he is just misinformed about how it all works? Have you tried to explain to him that certain foods can cause bigger spikes in blood sugar in comparison to others and therefore need to potentially be cut out of your diet? Let him eat the foods he wants to, and if he wants to change then awesome. But if not, its about adapting to that and making sure that you have the will power to not join in.

I find it beneficial to write a journal, just of when my blood sugars are high or low. When im feeling like I just want to go and eat KFC or Mcdonalds or whatever fast food, I re read over the statements I made. I also make sure to put down what my blood sugar was so I can see the trends in my mood. That helps me to regain the willpower to say no to certain foods.

Being a student, I have the issue of that all my mates are continually wanting to go get ******. I dont drink because it just makes my control too volatile. They think that im being distant from them because im not drinking and because of this i've lost a lot of friends, and was a big contributing factor to why my long term girlfriend and I broke up as well. I did a lot for her, and it went un-noticed. I injured my ankle and she was supportive, but no where near the amount that I needed or anywhere near the amount that I had been to her.

Us diabetics, we like to help people. And obviously you like to help your partner with things as well, based on the fact you helped him find a job. Sounds very similar to how I was in my last relationship too. Those living with diabetes understand this, you understand all this. But others wont, and its not there place to understand that either. Yes, ok it makes it harder for us but at the end of the day, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!!

 

[4ratbags]

My hubby is exactly the same. He still eats all of his junk food right in front of me and he still asks me to dish up his ice cream. I wouldn't call it unsupportive exactly. He supports me in that he doesn't complain when I'm buying the expensive ingredients I need to do my low carb baking or when I'm buying test strips for my meter. He has no clue when it comes to diabetes management but then again why should he, I have it not him. A lot of people gave me advice saying just make everyone eat like you do and I thought that while that would make things easier for me it wouldn't make the rest of the family happy at all. I suppose it comes down to each individuals perspective. It sounds like you just need to sit down and have a one on one conversation with him, write down your frustrations and talk about them, it doesn't have to confrontational just a general chat, I know it works for me and my hubby. We will quite often go to the dairy after taking our grand daughter to the playground and we will buy an ice cream each. The first couple of times I had an ice cream and then after that I just brought a pepsi max. When hubby questioned why I wasn't getting an ice cream I just told him although it was nice it really wasn't very good for me because it had so many carbs in it and it would raise my BS so I was buying a drink instead. I eat totally different from everyone else in our household and I'm quite happy knowing that I'm looking after myself.

 

[Curly604]

Thanks for your response. Completely agree that I cannot expect him to understand as before diagnosed I was very in the dark about it. It just frustrates me cause if it was the other way round I would have handled it so differently

 

[4ratbags]

I can relate to that, if my hubby had been diagnosed instead of myself I would have gone out of my way for him to make sure I was doing everything possible to make his life easier but I know he beats to a different drum and I would never expect that level of commitment on his part.

 

[lizdeluz]

It could be, of course, that your partner is a little worried by the whole thing: he may think he has an increased risk of diabetes because of the fact that his sister is T1? You could be right that it's head-in-the-sand syndrome....

 

[silverbirch]

Hi@Curly604, it would appear that you have your diabetes under tight control and your partner can see this so when he saw you eating an ice-cream maybe he thought you "ah she can eat sugary things" so bought you a treat. His has learnt from his sister that you can eat anything and everything, so he probably can't understand why you are so strict with what you eat, also that she deals with her diabetes by herself, albeit it bad control, he wasn't expected to help her. He eats what he wants because it's probably what he has always done in front of his sister. Why should he change his way of eating, we all know how difficult this can be. My family eat what they want in front of me, I know I can eat the same as them but choose not to. I think it's very difficult for a partner to understand about Diabetes, we are all different in how we control it, he saw his sister just "getting on with it". How do you educate him without nagging, perhaps ask him what happened with his sister when she was diagnosed. Was he told about it, or was he excluded from it all. Maybe you will understand from his answers what he "understands" about the subject. Good luck.

 

[Jaylee]

Thanks for your response. Completely agree that I cannot expect him to understand as before diagnosed I was very in the dark about it. It just frustrates me cause if it was the other way round I would have handled it so differently

Sorry, I couldn't resist asking this.. (Meant as a good natured discussion..)
.. Indeed you are experiencing the "Rock & roll" life of the D now, So it may have changed your perspective in contrast to pre diagnosis..

How would you have "handled" the situation if the boot was on the other foot??

 

[Brunneria]

Mr B and I have lived together 8 years now. In all that time I have been low carbing to varying degrees.

This January, he decided to go LC for weight loss. It went really well. but he was almost comically paranoid about what I was feeding him.
'what's in that?'
'are you sure that doesn't have too many carbs'
'but that isn't on the list'

In the end I turned to him and said 'you do know that I do this ALL THE TIME, don't you? And that I eat fewer carbs EVERY DAY than you are doing for a week or two?'

He looked genuinely shocked. He simply hadn't made the connection.

His only interest in food is 'I'm hungry, what can I eat' and 'yum, I will have that again'
Beyond that, he really isn't motivated to learn about fat, protein, carb, vits, etc.
As a result, he is simply uninterested to pick up any nuances of my particular eating.
Although he cares deeply for me and is willing to let me eat what and when I like, and is perfectly OK with me having butter in my coffee, not eating pud and putting mayo on veg.

Yesterday he walked into the living room and said 'there's a pack of dauphinoise potatoes that need eating before they go out of date. can you eat them tomorrow? Only I'm on a late shift, so can't eat them'.
To which I replied
'I don't eat potatoes. I don't eat packaged food. You bought them, you eat them, or they get thrown.'
He was surprised.
After 8 years.

(and he still buys me chocolates, despite being asked not to. now he just buys me Thornton's Continental, instead of the 70% choc solids bars that I actually eat)

 

[Curly604]

Sorry, I couldn't resist asking this.. (Meant as a good natured discussion..)
.. Indeed you are experiencing the "Rock & roll" life of the D now, So it may have changed your perspective in contrast to pre diagnosis..

How would you have "handled" the situation if the boot was on the other foot??

I know we all handle it differently but as the example with his job shows I would have thrown myself into research and reading and eating differently

 

[Curly604]

I know in his head he thinks he is doing the right thing and he genuinely isn't trying to be awkward or unhelpful but it's so frustrating.
When his sister was diagnosed he was a baby and from what I can gather they have never had good control for her (his auntie didn't know what to do when I had a bad hypo and she used to look after them) so I think it's the way he has been brought up around it

 

[himtoo]

if this helps................. my wife and I have been married for 27 years and she is very caring and supportive -- but she still asks me if i want a piece of toast when i tell her my blood sugar is 1.9 or 2.2 ( bless her she does try her best )

 

[Pinkorchid]

Thanks for your response. Completely agree that I cannot expect him to understand as before diagnosed I was very in the dark about it. It just frustrates me cause if it was the other way round I would have handled it so differently

So how would you have handled it. You seem very resentful that your husband still eats the things in front of you that you no longer can just what do expect him to do. You have the diabetes not him so you have to make the best of it and not expect it to change his life to much
I have been prediabetic for a few years so I had to change the way I eat but I did not expect my husband to change anything in his life. I still bought him all the stuff he liked that I couldn't eat anymore and it didn't bother me to see him eating it. He hadn't really got a clue about diabetes or what it was meaning to me to be prediabetic and I didn't expect him to He is now T2 himself probably because he took steroids for a few years so he had to accept that he had to give up much of the food stuff he really loved....he had a really big sweet tooth. He is 83 and I can't say that he really understands about diabetes and diet so he just leaves all that up to me but that is not a problem as we both eat practically the same now and if I do develop diabetes then things will still go on much the same

 

[AndBreathe]

My OH is a good chap. He's the chief cook in our house, and he really enjoys cooking. When diagnosed he stated that we needed to find a way to move forward, eating the same meals, as he couldn't see that eating separately was the way forward; especially as we have always used mealtimes, when we always sit at the table, as a time for "unpacking the day", or talking about "stuff" we need to. To make too many changes to that would have had a much bigger impact than just diet.

Now, we do eat eaxtly the same meals, except that the proportions will differ. I'll have far more veggies, and maybe one roastie, whereas he'll have more roasties, and less veg, along with the protein element we'll both have.

My diabetes has been in a good place for some time now, and having got there, and trimmed up, I can now tolerate more carbs than I could at the outset, but I don't have "treats" that often, and certainly I have only increased my carb intake "a bit". But, it does mean that when we are out, or dining in friends houses, I am a little more relaxed about what is put in front of me. I'd still pass on bread and butter pudding, or the like, but just as an example, when we visited for breakfast, we had waffles, strawberries, whipped cream, and maple syrup. I merely had one (albeit decent sized) waffle, and passed on the maple syrup (which I never liked, so no hardship there). The strawberries and whipped cream had both had a little sugar added, which was a bit disappointing, but the whole thing didn't do anything to harm my scores.

But, to the point (at last, I hear you say!), as soon as I have done something like that, MrB reckons waffles are wholesale on the menu, and that it's fine to sweeten cream and fruit.

In fact, he is so thrilled there's something else, or something new I can eat, and it's even "normal". He would so love our lives to revert to the previously normal, that he gets excited and carried away and keeps wanting to add these "naughties" to the regular menu. I don't view it as uncaring. I view it as over enthusiastic.

I'm pleased to say this hasn't cause too much friction between us, although the first couple of times, I was frustrated by it. Having had a decent talk about it, we now just find ourselves looking at each other and one of us saying something like, "are we having a waffle moment?"

So, maybe he thinks he's being kind, giving you a treat or going the extra mile. Could there be a bit of that in there? Sometimes, I think this condition is harder for those on the sidelines than those who just have to buckle down and get on with it. We have no real choice, where it impacts on their lives, and they never signed up for it.

Just offering a different perspective.