Walking on Eggshells around the Hulk

[paula.nolan42]

Its not the first time I've been told that being around me can be like walking on eggshells - in fact its such a recurrent phrase, I nearly laugh when I hear it again - its like the 'universes' little running gag with me. I have danced with depression most of my adult life but I have done counselling and therapy and I try to be well. I have always tried to be nice, sending good karma and I try not to hate, I try to be good. I do what I can. - I don't want to win any popularity contests - but the people who get close to me eventually walk on eggshells - I've always thought that I don't really act on it when someone slights me or hurts my feelings but when I do decide to stand up for myself it always ends up worse than before - ending in a fight and ending in a lost friendship. - In this latest episode I had posted on FB where I was having brunch (a little fry-up) and this 'friend' posted "Are you allowed?" when I saw it I took exception to it and I phoned her and told her so. She says she meant it in a funny way... (isn't that always the way and what do you do with that ?) So then she stopped playing 'Word With Friends' then there was nothing on FB - I texted her about it she said that she decided to 'back-off' because she didn't want to offend me again, she said that "maybe when I had come to terms with my diabetes I'd be less sensitive", And this was when she said she didn't want to walk on eggshells around me. BOOM ! I felt winded, yet another person decided that its eggshells for me. What am I - the Hulk ??? How I feel is, I am not allowed to say anything about being upset or offended or worse - because if I do then I am pissing the other person off - so the person who hurt me is waiting for me to get 'less sensitive' so that its ok to be around me again,. Its OK to hang around Bruce Banner but not the Hulk. And it would seem that there is no acceptable time for the Hulk to make an appearance, even in self defence.

Of course it's all just drama and self pity and woe is me. But the thing is, this is how I lose everyone in my life so I must be doing something wrong. And just because I think I'm an OK person, doesn't actually make it so. At what point to you say, its not the depression, its not the diabetes, its not this, its not that... what it actually is is me, I'm the reason why no one stays.

 

[catherinecherub]

You are now finding your self confidence and your "friends" do not like the new you. They prefer the old one where they could walk all over you and you accepted it. Ever heard of people pleaser?
Welcome to the real world.

 

[zand]

It's them, not you. They are less than understanding and then can't say sorry when they've done something to hurt you, so they turn it back onto you. You probably don't usually react when you are hurt and then when you do it's a shock to them.

 

[zand]

Whilst you make many good points @EdMac I still think the friend was in the wrong in this instance and also that friend is very immature and insecure herself. I think as the OP grows in confidence she will find more (better) friends. It's just a transition period and it's very uncomfortable at the time, but she'll get through it just as I did. Of course this friend may simply grow up and realise that she was in the wrong for criticising the meal the OP was having. Stranger things have happened.

 

[paula.nolan42]

Thank you all for your interesting responses.

EdMac, I totally get what you're saying. Interestingly the conversation I had with her initially was by phone. I had decided not to respond on FB to her 'are you allowed?' It was in that conversation that I told her that I know exactly what I can and cannot eat, but that I am allowed to eat anything. The only communication was the text conversation last night which was the 'eggshells' conversation.

The thing is, if this was a once off, now, as a diabetic, I'd agree with some of the previous statements, but this is a reoccurring theme in my life.

Of course things are never really black or white but it would be great if I didn't take things so personally and it would also be great to make my point without getting 'totes emosh' about it.

 

[zand]

@paula.nolan42 You sound so like me. When I spoke up for myself others got offended because they had offended me! It's changed now, but I can't tell you why. I just got used to saying "Yes I can eat that" or whatever. Don't slide back into not saying anything. That's not healthy and with me it tended to come out like a bomb over such tiny little things that people really thought I was crazy, but of course it had been the build up of years of criticism that I hadn't responded to that was the problem, not the thing that was the 'last straw'.

 

[eddie1968]

You could have a Personality Disorder as defined by the WHO (World Health Organization) ICD-9. These tend to start in your teens and can persist through life. Co-morbid diseases like Clinical Depression and Bipolar Disorder can accompany these disorders. You will need to see a Psychiatrist for diagnosis and treatment and this mainly consists of CBT (behaviour therapy) and if needed medications.

 

[Robinredbreast]

Its not the first time I've been told that being around me can be like walking on eggshells - in fact its such a recurrent phrase, I nearly laugh when I hear it again - its like the 'universes' little running gag with me. I have danced with depression most of my adult life but I have done counselling and therapy and I try to be well. I have always tried to be nice, sending good karma and I try not to hate, I try to be good. I do what I can. - I don't want to win any popularity contests - but the people who get close to me eventually walk on eggshells - I've always thought that I don't really act on it when someone slights me or hurts my feelings but when I do decide to stand up for myself it always ends up worse than before - ending in a fight and ending in a lost friendship. - In this latest episode I had posted on FB where I was having brunch (a little fry-up) and this 'friend' posted "Are you allowed?" when I saw it I took exception to it and I phoned her and told her so. She says she meant it in a funny way... (isn't that always the way and what do you do with that ?) So then she stopped playing 'Word With Friends' then there was nothing on FB - I texted her about it she said that she decided to 'back-off' because she didn't want to offend me again, she said that "maybe when I had come to terms with my diabetes I'd be less sensitive", And this was when she said she didn't want to walk on eggshells around me. BOOM ! I felt winded, yet another person decided that its eggshells for me. What am I - the Hulk ??? How I feel is, I am not allowed to say anything about being upset or offended or worse - because if I do then I am pissing the other person off - so the person who hurt me is waiting for me to get 'less sensitive' so that its ok to be around me again,. Its OK to hang around Bruce Banner but not the Hulk. And it would seem that there is no acceptable time for the Hulk to make an appearance, even in self defence.

Of course it's all just drama and self pity and woe is me. But the thing is, this is how I lose everyone in my life so I must be doing something wrong. And just because I think I'm an OK person, doesn't actually make it so. At what point to you say, its not the depression, its not the diabetes, its not this, its not that... what it actually is is me, I'm the reason why no one stays.

Bless you Paula, I have known a certain person related to my Ex partner talk about people behind their backs, making sarcastic comments about the way they look, or wearing a hairband, or something she would never be seen in, looking at people with disgust and ridicule in her eyes and tbh she has always been a nasty piece of work, told lies, but do you know what ? she was always invited out to functions and .....................has many friends I actually think she would go to the opening of an envelope, but that's life and sometimes it just isn't fair.

 

[paula.nolan42]

I'm glad that's all cleared up, personality disorder it is !

[edited: please read this post with a 'tongue in cheek' tone of sarcasm - thank you ]

 

[DR123]

DR123
Hi Paula just read your post I thought I was reading a page out of my diary!! It's not you it's the people you have called friends! I have been there and still there are some 'friends ' who take the opportunity to offload their bad days and grumbles but I am supposed to go along with it! I fell out with a ' best ' friend for 6months 'my fault' but I know better.
When people ask "are you allowed" I now say " who made you the diabetic police that usually shuts them up.
Anyway what I'm trying to say be yourself don't change if your friends can't cope with it they're not worth all the down feelings you go through and are not true friends because we are all individuals with individual personalities what a dull world it would be if we we all the same. Hang in there concentrate on controlling your diabetes, this site is fantastic for support and if you want a rant that's fine.

 

[carty]

The trouble with social.media is that you don't see the body language so you can't tell whether the person is serious or joking I am not saying that this is the case here but sometimes you may need to give people the benefit of doubt .Just remember that a true friend cares through bad and good .Keep posting here because most people really want to help
CAROL