How do you tell your family you have diabetes?

[Alicia R]

I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was just a kid, so I didn't have to tell my mother I had diabetes -- she was there when the doctor diagnosed me. And when we got home, she told my father. And she also told my grandparents and my teachers. I never had to worry about breaking it to anyone except my boyfriend and that wasn't so hard because at the time, "we" were still new and no one invested anything in the relationship so it wasn't one of those emotional things. But, my best friend is a grown woman with a husband and children of her own -- she's finding it hard talking to them about it. She told her husband, but he had some inkling because he recognized the symptoms (his mother is diabetic). But, she says she doesn't feel comfortable talking to him about it because she feels he won't see her the same way, anymore. She feels like she's a burden on him and not the strong woman he could always depend on when they first got married. She still hasn't told her kids yet, or her parents. Since I personally never had to go through it myself, I was hoping someone here might help. Anyone else go through a similar thing? (Oh, and I told her to sign up, but she says she's "not ready to be a diabetic yet." I think she feels that by registering on a diabetes forum, it makes it "official." Might sound silly, but I know where she's coming from. I know in time she'll come around and will kick herself for not doing this sooner. For now, I'll ask the questions for her -- if she has questions or concerns I can't help with -- and show them all to her when she's ready. Thanks for your help! It means a lot!)

 

[masonbason63]

I've never really had this problem I was diagnosed at 12 yrs and my parents sought of done it all with the family plus I'd been an ill child growing up so it was taken in our stride. They also told the school and I was the only 1 of about 1200 which made it awkward for me, but this is what made me who I am today I just toughened up and got on with it through the high and lows, once I started dating girls I thought more about it and going to my first college was strange for it was up to me to educate people about it. I'm so proud of my type 1 and so are my kids they understand they might develop it at some stage or their kids might in the future but they've got me as a teacher or there might be a cure.

Please don't tie yourself up in worrying about things as worrying dosn't change things you are what you are.
Grab it by the horns and be loud and proud if when you have children you'll be a great teacher

 

[pavlosn]

Dear Alicia

Your friend is clearly struggling to come to terms with her diagnosis, which is neither surprising nor remarkable but a pretty typical response when one is first told that one suffers from a lifelong condition such as diabetes.

One is suddenly forced to reassess their own self image of infallibility or even invincibility and accept limitations that one's own body demands.

Faced with demons both real and imaginary, fear and denial are the most common responses.

In order to overcome these demons your friend will need time to adjust and information so that she may sort through what is real and what is not and support from those close to her and those that have experience of living with this disease.

Her husband certainly has a big role to play in this but it is possible that he is also going through a similar coping period. As a friend with the same (or similar, if as I suspect your friend is t2) condition, no doubt you will be a great source of comfort to her. Forums such as this one could also provide her with invaluable information and support as well as examples of people living and living well with diabetes.

As I said, some of the demons your friend is facing are almost certainly imaginary. It is hard for me to see how diabetes can suddenly turn her from a strong independent person to someone who is a burden.

Diabetes does not change who we are.

Even if she does need more support from her husband, emotionally rather than anything else I suspect, is this not what a marriage should be all about? Two people being there for each other and supporting each other through adversity, making for a unit that is stronger than the constituent parts. If the husband is any husband worth his salt, I am sure he did not sign up for the good times only.

No one knows how the future will turn out and diabetes is not a death sentence. It is a serious condition but it is a condition that, if one acknowledges and respects its rules, allows for a full and very fulfilling life; the list of diabetics who have excelled in their chosen fields, including top Olympic gold medal winning athletes, is long and illustrious.

Your friend needs time to find out what this disease is and is not, process her fear and anxiety and move on from her current denial through the other stages of grief (anger and bargaining) to eventual acceptance and getting on with her life.

Many have found that diabetes has actually made them stronger and more proactive in making changes that have proved beneficial to their own lives.

Please encourage your friend to visit this site, she does not have to join or contribute, she can just read through staff as a visitor. I am sure, she will find plenty here to help her through.

If nothing else, she will see that she is not alone.

All the best to you and your friend.

Pavlos

 

[Jaylee]

The D subject has to be a **** site easier to bring up at home than a host of other closet door openers..
Quite frankly, your post says more about your friend & the type of marriage/relationship she has more than anything else..
Though there is a misconception by some non diabetics that it is a "lifestyle choice" which has been brought about by the media.. It's not as deep rooted as religious text interpretations on orientation..

In short, it must start with your freind's husband "manning up."

 

[Alicia R]

Dear Alicia

Your friend is clearly struggling to come to terms with her diagnosis, which is neither surprising nor remarkable but a pretty typical response when one is first told that one suffers from a lifelong condition such as diabetes.

One is suddenly forced to reassess their own self image of infallibility or even invincibility and accept limitations that one's own body demands.

Faced with demons both real and imaginary, fear and denial are the most common responses.

In order to overcome these demons your friend will need time to adjust and information so that she may sort through what is real and what is not and support from those close to her and those that have experience of living with this disease.

Her husband certainly has a big role to play in this but it is possible that he is also going through a similar coping period. As a friend with the same (or similar, if as I suspect your friend is t2) condition, no doubt you will be a great source of comfort to her. Forums such as this one could also provide her with invaluable information and support as well as examples of people living and living well with diabetes.

As I said, some of the demons your friend is facing are almost certainly imaginary. It is hard for me to see how diabetes can suddenly turn her from a strong independent person to someone who is a burden.

Diabetes does not change who we are.

Even if she does need more support from her husband, emotionally rather than anything else I suspect, is this not what a marriage should be all about? Two people being there for each other and supporting each other through adversity, making for a unit that is stronger than the constituent parts. If the husband is any husband worth his salt, I am sure he did not sign up for the good times only.

No one knows how the future will turn out and diabetes is not a death sentence. It is a serious condition but it is a condition that, if one acknowledges and respects its rules, allows for a full and very fulfilling life; the list of diabetics who have excelled in their chosen fields, including top Olympic gold medal winning athletes, is long and illustrious.

Your friend needs time to find out what this disease is and is not, process her fear and anxiety and move on from her current denial through the other stages of grief (anger and bargaining) to eventual acceptance and getting on with her life.

Many have found that diabetes has actually made them stronger and more proactive in making changes that have proved beneficial to their own lives.

Please encourage your friend to visit this site, she does not have to join or contribute, she can just read through staff as a visitor. I am sure, she will find plenty here to help her through.

If nothing else, she will see that she is not alone.

All the best to you and your friend.

Pavlos

You're absolutely right, everything you said is spot on! But...it will take a while for her heart to catch up with her head. It's one thing to be rational and "know" things; but it's something else entirely to "feel" things. She'll come around -- we all did! Thanks so much!

 

[Alicia R]

The D subject has to be a **** site easier to bring up at home than a host of other closet door openers..
Quite frankly, your post says more about your friend & the type of marriage/relationship she has more than anything else..
Though there is a misconception by some non diabetics that it is a "lifestyle choice" which has been brought about by the media.. It's not as deep rooted as religious text interpretations on orientation..

In short, it must start with your freind's husband "manning up."

Oh, I'm not worried about him so much as I am about her. He's familiar with it; she's not (so much). And after all, it's affected her, not him. No matter how you look at it, she's the one who really has to live with it. Her husband doesn't have a problem with it, his mother has it, he grew up around it. But, he didn't have to "feel" it like she will and we all do. There's a big difference. I know it can be hard on our loved ones, but the real work is all on us. Thanks!

 

[Jaylee]

Oh, I'm not worried about him so much as I am about her. He's familiar with it; she's not (so much). And after all, it's affected her, not him. No matter how you look at it, she's the one who really has to live with it. Her husband doesn't have a problem with it, his mother has it, he grew up around it. But, he didn't have to "feel" it like she will and we all do. There's a big difference. I know it can be hard on our loved ones, but the real work is all on us. Thanks!

The way I look at it? (In reference to you asking about the D gadgets on other threads on your friend's behalf.)
Let her invest in these devices ( talking meters?) without judging the possible folly..? If it helps here adjust & sustains good D management in the long run? It can't be a bad thing....

 

[anna29]

Pre diagnosis - no one bothered what I ate or had to eat .
After diagnosis - it was intrusive and invasive what ever I had to eat .
ALL folk wanted to know what I can and could not eat .

Their interest in my own affairs grew new heights looking back .
I told my hubby, mother and friends at first .
Mother went to church and told 'everyone' there .
Like it was the most serious and doom and gloom thing .

When insulin became the mainstay it was all focus on the injections life style .
Many oohed and argh about this and the 'needles' ouch factor .

Me - I wasn't bothered a "jot" ...
Was busy keeping to insulin therapy lifestyle and worked out what worked
diet wise best with myself .
New routine with test and retest of the BG levels .

Having to ' remember ' to grab my kit bag and keep it stored in my handbag
was the HARDEST thing .
Gone were the carefree days of just able to toddle or drive off without this .
Now my kit bag - is a part of my handbag contents now

 

[graj0]

Might sound silly, but I know where she's coming from. I know in time she'll come around and will kick herself for not doing this sooner. For now, I'll ask the questions for her -- if she has questions or concerns I can't help with -- and show them all to her when she's ready. Thanks for your help! It means a lot!)

Hang on, she managed to tell her parents that she was getting married, tell everyone she was having a baby and she can't say she's diabetic.
She needs to look at diabetes in a more realistic manner. It isn't the plague, it's a condition where the pancreas doesn't produce enough or any insulin and/or her body doesn't use the insulin the way it should. Simple! No need to make a mountain out of a mole hill.

She needs to come onto a forum and find out how it's a complication in our lives but not the end of the world.

 

[JTL]

She won't tell her parents she won't join a forum she won't like you taking charge like this going off what you said in another thread.
You're both adults.
Someone might have to see about other issues maybe?

 

[Jaylee]

It would be cool to see both freinds on here posting.. Like a double act? "Abbott & Roche."

 

[Jaylee]

I know.... A lot of the best comedy is in the "metering"..?

 

[Spencer67]

IFor now, I'll ask the questions for her -- if she has questions or concerns I can't help with -- and show them all to her when she's ready. Thanks for your help! It means a lot!)

I think you answered your own question, you sound like an amazing friend who is there for her. she may come to the forum when she is ready, but at the moment she's not able to accept the diagnosis, no one wants it, why would they? She will be naturally going through the five stages of grief. She'll be ready when she's ready, she's got you, stick with her. She sounds strong to me, like you, when a person opens up about their insecurities as she has to you even if they are false beliefs they are already in the growth process.

 

[Alicia R]

Hang on, she managed to tell her parents that she was getting married, tell everyone she was having a baby and she can't say she's diabetic.
She needs to look at diabetes in a more realistic manner. It isn't the plague, it's a condition where the pancreas doesn't produce enough or any insulin and/or her body doesn't use the insulin the way it should. Simple! No need to make a mountain out of a mole hill.

She needs to come onto a forum and find out how it's a complication in our lives but not the end of the world.

It was easy to tell her parents she was getting married and having a baby -- those are all happy occasions with the promise of a bright future! But telling your family you have a life-threatening disease? Not exactly one of those happy occasions with a bright future. Even though everyone knows what diabetes is (a condition in which you don't make insulin), but what all that means is entirely different. It means if she's not perfect about food, meds and lifestyle changes, she can either get seriously sick or die. It's nothing to get upset about, chit happens, but you can imagine how your loved ones might feel hearing their child, wife, mother has a life-threatening disease. Scares the bejesus out of you. Even if some of them already have it, themselves!

 

[Alicia R]

It would be cool to see both freinds on here posting.. Like a double act? "Abbott & Roche."

She knows about all the diabetes forums, we sometimes cruise them on girls night out when I'm not feeling up to going out. I told her she should join, but she says she's "not ready to be a diabetic yet." I think she feels as if the diabetes is more "real" if she joins a diabetes forum. It's silly, I know. I'm not going to push it; I respect her wishes. It's all very new to her, give her time to adjust. She's very busy, she has her own family and children and pets and a job, and she home-schools the kids, and and and...I know in time she'll be sorry she didn't join sooner. You get a lot of support here, the right kind of support from people who understand what you're going through and can speak your language. Joining is up to her. I can't tell her what to do. Only she knows what's right for her.

 

[Alicia R]

I think you answered your own question, you sound like an amazing friend who is there for her. she may come to the forum when she is ready, but at the moment she's not able to accept the diagnosis, no one wants it, why would they? She will be naturally going through the five stages of grief. She'll be ready when she's ready, she's got you, stick with her. She sounds strong to me, like you, when a person opens up about their insecurities as she has to you even if they are false beliefs they are already in the growth process.

I agree! Thanks!

 

[Jaylee]

She knows about all the diabetes forums, we sometimes cruise them on girls night out when I'm not feeling up to going out. I told her she should join, but she says she's "not ready to be a diabetic yet." I think she feels as if the diabetes is more "real" if she joins a diabetes forum. It's silly, I know. I'm not going to push it; I respect her wishes. It's all very new to her, give her time to adjust. She's very busy, she has her own family and children and pets and a job, and she home-schools the kids, and and and...I know in time she'll be sorry she didn't join sooner. You get a lot of support here, the right kind of support from people who understand what you're going through and can speak your language. Joining is up to her. I can't tell her what to do. Only she knows what's right for her.

To quote a famous line from a movie in regard to your friends recent diagnosis. (& to utilise a euphemism in one of your earlier replies.) "chit just got real." ( Though I use the cuss word "shed" because I hate gardening..)
I'm trying to work out what part of the world you & Yer friend hale from..? Southern states?? For give me if I'm wrong..
I have my own life going on too.. I just come on here to "check my head" & exchange/understanding of ideas.. It's so easy to get stuck in the Stone Age after 38 years as a type one, when new wheels are invented....

 

[graj0]

It was easy to tell her parents she was getting married and having a baby -- those are all happy occasions with the promise of a bright future! But telling your family you have a life-threatening disease? Not exactly one of those happy occasions with a bright future. Even though everyone knows what diabetes is (a condition in which you don't make insulin), but what all that means is entirely different. It means if she's not perfect about food, meds and lifestyle changes, she can either get seriously sick or die. It's nothing to get upset about, chit happens, but you can imagine how your loved ones might feel hearing their child, wife, mother has a life-threatening disease. Scares the bejesus out of you. Even if some of them already have it, themselves!

It's probably down to attitude, it may not seem a bright future, but the future is bright if you take the right steps. You only have to Google something like "celebrities with diabetes" to see how many very well known actors/actresses, sportsmen etc have diabetes. I'd tend to be looking at it in a positive way and be thinking that this isn't going to beat me and I'm starting a bucket list now. I knew I should never have read "The Art of positive thinking" by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale. Maybe your friend should get hold of a copy?
Again it's down to different attitudes and as much as I would hate stereotyping any nationality the attitude your friend shows is very similar to the attitude that I saw in those US based forums all those years ago. As much as it may affect anybody in your circle, you're not going to hide the fact for ever, so why wait, just doesn't add up. There again, that's just me, you asked a question, a rhetorical question perhaps, I gave an opinion, the answer is simple, you say "I have diabetes", so no worries.

 

[Emmotha]

Hello!

I was diagnosed T1 last year aged 29.

I dreaded telling my parents, as I didn't want to make them sad. No one in my family has diabetes so it was a total shocker.

I left it about 4 weeks, until I was more confident in my treatment and so I wasn't too sad when I told them.

Anyway, I did in the end. It wasn't easy, I just blurted it out!

For a while they worried and had questions, but now no big deal at all

 

[Alicia R]

To quote a famous line from a movie in regard to your friends recent diagnosis. (& to utilise a euphemism in one of your earlier replies.) "chit just got real." ( Though I use the cuss word "shed" because I hate gardening..)
I'm trying to work out what part of the world you & Yer friend hale from..? Southern states?? For give me if I'm wrong..
I have my own life going on too.. I just come on here to "check my head" & exchange/understanding of ideas.. It's so easy to get stuck in the Stone Age after 38 years as a type one, when new wheels are invented....

United States, California to be exact.