• Guest, the forum is undergoing some upgrades and so the usual themes will be unavailable for a few days. In the meantime, you can use the forum like normal. We'd love to know what you think about the forum! Take the 2025 Survey »

Please help, I'm so desperate...

Wholeheartedly agree with posts above. you need to look after yourself. Get out of this violent pattern your boyfriend has got and maybe just maybe he will seek some help for his diabetes which seems out of control and also get help to address his violent behaviour toward you. He seems very angry at the world. You can't do this he needs professional help. You need to make yourself safe. You need peace of mind that you are safe
 
Hi everyone. Thank you so much for giving me all of this feedback, you have no idea how helpful it is. The only other person I speak to that understands is his ex girlfrield, he was with her 12 years and she got sick of the 'nasty' side to him coming out, she endeed upo calling the police and getting him removed as he had damaged her hire car. Saying thjis though she still cares about him and says it was a really really hard decision to make. I think the worst thing is that he has believed what he tells himself for so many years and used the highs and lows as an excuse that he is totally in denial. He convinces me every time that he doesnt know what he is saying or doing when he is like that. It happens around once a week, and once he has calmed down, he just stays in bed for days (depression obvsiously) and is unable to apoloigise or come and explain any of his actions. I always straight away stay in the spare room if hes kicking off. Its definately a rage thing - he threatens to do all sorts to the doctors and people who dont believe how ill he is. If I just ignore the ranting, he normally comes around, but if I ever say anything back, he jumps straight onto it and turns it into something really horrible, blames me and mny family and the NHS for everything. We are in the UK and I wanted to post here so that it wansnt too close to home as I was scared about doing this but really at the end of my tether. /But if hes rerally enraged, he keeps coming in and asking me for money or my pohone or he needs this or needs that as he is leaving and needs to go or needs money for weed. I smoke weed too which doesnt help - have done for 25 years and am totally aware of the facts about it - I am VERY informed about it, and should also stop but find it very difficult to. But he swears addiction isnt possible with weed. He smokes the stuff that deals with nausea the best and I absoklutely beliwve that he has this really bad every morming as has had many tests to try and help over years anbd years - hes been on chemo drugs and everything to try and get rid of it, but it is the levels problems that cause a problem with the constant sick feelings. He has dawn phenomenom and his levels on a morning are ridiculous compared to all the others I see on forums. He has been waiting for a pump for years but the NHS are taking years to give him one. I suppose for the last couple of years I have just been holding out to see if that makes his any better when his levels are managed a bit better. From my experience of being in hundreds of doctors and consultancy appointments with him, he knows as much if not more about complications with T1 thatn anyone I have ever met, he has problems with sweating prefusely all the time but especially hypos, which resulkts in contact dermititis - nighhtmare!!, constant ear infections, daily problems with eating due to the constant sick feeling, this can cause him to only eat dry crisps or crackers and sometimes go a few days without really eating too much - the weeds is the only thing that helps with this - genuinely. However he depends on it and all of the outbustrs seem to coincide with not having weed. He nursed his dad when he died from complications with diabetes when he was early twenties, his dad died a 52. This is obviously anothr issue. which he locks away. 60% of the time he is th absolute perfect partner for me and you couldnt meet a nicer, more generous, funny, kind, intelligent, wonderful person, he loves me dearly when he isnt having these problems and tells me he really does not mean a single bad thing he says and that he would rather cut off his legs than purposely hurt me. His ex said he never touched her - just smashed things up. This is why its so hard to know what to do - I finish it every few weeks but then when he comes round and has a load of remorse I just feel so desperate to give him the chance that no one else has. His family pretty much gave up on him years ago - if everyone just keeps giving up on him, how will he ever get a chance to get better! Hes had it since he was 2 and is now 37 same as me. I do believe that sometimes he doiesntr know what he is doing as I can tell in his face - his eyes turn really starey and scary and he has a masseve frown on his forehead. This is why I think it is a mixture of things.
 
Its so hard to know whatv to do. Current situation is that he has been fine all week, wednesday I returned to work (I work helping 16-18 year olds into work/apprenticeships) after being off sick for a month due to this - it started with the work laptop being smashed as I really couldnt deal with the situation. He was wonderful and cleaned the house, sorted loads of stuff out and weas in a great mood. Then yesterday I left him at 7.30am as I had to travel to a meeting, I got back at 8pm and he had been slepping for a few housr - whicvh always causes a problem during the day. When he woke I asked if he was coming to watch tv etc, he said yes and then fell asleep again, a few hours later I went to wake him to give him his sertraline - I got him onto these months ago to try and help the moods and irrationality, I said it would be nice to see him as I had spent the previous 2/3 hours trying to source him some weed as he had run out - probably hence the sleeping and I hadnt seen him all day - as he had just woken his level was hiugh and he went mental with me, saying I didnt appreciate what he had done in the house and that all I ever did was have ago at him for sleeping. When he is well he agrees that the sleeping during the day makes him more unwell - but when I tell him this he just goes crazy - obviously catch 22!! I went straight into the other room and tried to go to sleep as this was 12am. He punched doors and then went onto saying it was a nightmare relationship he wanted to leave, loads of horrid stuff about me and my family. So I tried to ignore him, but he just kept coming in and pulling the covers back and shouting. It lasted around half an hour, he came and screamed why I had taken money out of his accoung and I told him for weed and gave him it, he then went into the bedroom muttering things and thenput hannibal on the tv and left me alone. I left at seven this morning whilst he was in bed, its 2pm now and I am positove that is still where he will be. He will stay there now until I force him to take to me. I can never tell where he starts and the diabetes starts???? its a total nightmare. Dont worry about my health right now, I have felt more desperate before now and I am not going to do anythinbg stupid right now, if I was I would turn to someone. Sorry I made it sound dramatice buit that is definately how I have felf over the last year. Thanks again everyone x
 
Good grief. Poor you. And poor him too. But it's not an acceptable situation for you to remain in.

I am biting my tongue to not give diabetes management advice because he obviously knows it all and isn't going to listen. The behaviour and the drugs need to be tackled first before the diabetes. And before any of that, your situation.

You and his ex are the kind of caring people who get trapped in relationships with people who take no practical responsibility for their abusive behaviour. Apologising and being sad and being charming by turns is par for the course. It changes nothing. The only thing that matters if is he is willing to accept his behaviour is unacceptable, accept he IS responsible for it, and accept that he alone must take responsibility for changing, including seeking help.

Get some help and support around you. Call Women's Aid, please, and let them help you make the right decision.

In case you weren't aware, everything he is doing legally qualifies as domestic abuse and some of it as domestic violence. Even though he hasn't hit you, thankfully. It doesn't matter. What he's doing is illegal as well as wrong. The law is on your side, very strongly. I am not saying go to the law as a first resort, but know that the law is 100% on your side and there whenever you need it.

Good luck and keep talking. You are being very brave and doing the right thing.
 
Ive been trying to get help from the doctors, mental health, the diabetic centre in wakefield hospital, his diabetic nurse and consultant for a year and a half now, I've been in tears ion nearly every appointment and the last one with his consultant in the hospital - he asked me toi leave as I was getting upset. Ive been down to the centre and asked for help before - and been on the phone to people at least every other day about these anger issues, Ive called numerous ambulances til I'm blue in the face. The doctor have been useless. and the NHS. So I can undertand his frustraion a lot of the time. I have recorded his outburts and polayed them to doctors and they have told me to go and get help!!! WHERE FROM!!!!!!!!?????????
 
I hear what you are saying but it sounds like he has always been like this.

I know you love him dearly but you are in a relationship where you are scared, have to watch what you say, then there are the violent outbursts. This really isn't a relationship - you need to stop worrying about your man. He has to solve his problems by himself because he wants to and it seems he doesn't want to so the cycle continues.

You have to weigh up the whole situation. Are you willing to put your life at risk either with your suicidal thoughts or with your man's violence?

You are worth so much more. And I hate to say it but some people don't want to be helped. Your man has had these rage issues for years and he knows he has a problem but he doesn't want to get help, otherwise he would have done this years ago.

I hope I don't appear too harsh but I tend to speak my mind.

I really do wish you the best but you need to stop making excuses for him
 
Every day is a struggle said:
I finish it every few weeks but then when he comes round and has a load of remorse I just feel so desperate to give him the chance that no one else has. His family pretty much gave up on him years ago - if everyone just keeps giving up on him, how will he ever get a chance to get better!
Click to expand...
He has given up on *himself* and convinced himself he's not responsible for his own situation. Unless and until that changes, no one, literally no one, can help him and anyone who tries to help will just be dragged down with him. That's probably why his family and his ex gave up. Not because they didn't care or didn't love him. :-(


By the way I have known a number of friends who became daily weed smokers and all of them swore blind that they couldn't possibly function without it. They genuinely believed that and in a way it was true. They had become totally psychologically dependent on it. And even talking about stopping would make them freak out and often get aggressive. That's pretty much a definition of an addiction, isn't it?

The good news is all of my friends eventually realised what it was doing to them. They all stopped and all of them very quickly returned to having completely normal lives. (They were lucky none of them developed schizophrenia or other serious illness)
 
I know you love and care for this man, but you need to think of yourself too. It was upsetting to read your description about when he woke up after you got home and kicked off. That's horrible for you.

I was in a relationship similar to that some years ago. I did everything I could to help my then boyfriend. I could always justify his behaviour. I'd always make excuses for him in my mind, and I genuinely believed them (he'd been adopted and I told myself that his anger was due to that). I wanted to show him that I would always support him and that I wouldn't give up on him. But, looking back now, I think people can only change if they want to. I let him get away with awful behaviour because, basically I felt sorry for him and thought I was being caring and loving. Well, I was, but I was also, in a way, enabling him. He knew he didn't really have to change because I'd always be there. I left that relationship and my life got a whole lot better.

You shouldn't have to live like this. You seem like a kind, caring person, and you deserve to be treated better. If this has been going on for so long, it's not likely to change any time soon. Your partner is an adult. He knows who he can call ( and if you're worried he doesn't, leave a list of numbers for him).

I'm sure the diabetes doesn't help, but I don't think its the cause of this behaviour. There's never any excuse for violence and abuse. Please speak to someone and think of yourself. I don't like to tell you what to do, but having been through something similar I can say that things don't get better and that I never regretted moving on from such a destructive relationship.

I wish you all the best.
 
Hi @Every day is a struggle,

Mmmm.. This sounds like a familiar story.
I am the T1. But i knew a girl just like your partner. The device smashing. The hours i spent going out to "score" for after working my butt off for 12 hours of the day. Nasty on it & nastier when there was a "drought".. The long lye ins....Without wanting to ramble on? Just too many similarities to list..

You're being manipulated by this seemingly charismatic fellow.

The answer is simple. But only when your ready.?

GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE...!!! ;)
 
azure said:
I know you love and care for this man, but you need to think of yourself too. It was upsetting to read your description about when he woke up after you got home and kicked off. That's horrible for you.

I was in a relationship similar to that some years ago. I did everything I could to help my then boyfriend. I could always justify his behaviour. I'd always make excuses for him in my mind, and I genuinely believed them (he'd been adopted and I told myself that his anger was due to that). I wanted to show him that I would always support him and that I wouldn't give up on him. But, looking back now, I think people can only change if they want to. I let him get away with awful behaviour because, basically I felt sorry for him and thought I was being caring and loving. Well, I was, but I was also, in a way, enabling him. He knew he didn't really have to change because I'd always be there. I left that relationship and my life got a whole lot better.

You shouldn't have to live like this. You seem like a kind, caring person, and you deserve to be treated better. If this has been going on for so long, it's not likely to change any time soon. Your partner is an adult. He knows who he can call ( and if you're worried he doesn't, leave a list of numbers for him).

I'm sure the diabetes doesn't help, but I don't think its the cause of this behaviour. There's never any excuse for violence and abuse. Please speak to someone and think of yourself. I don't like to tell you what to do, but having been through something similar I can say that things don't get better and that I never regretted moving on from such a destructive relationship.

I wish you all the best.
Click to expand...
This made me cry because it sounds just like me :( thanks though xx
 
My son gets very aggressive especially if he is low, but I would be wary as my partner non diabetic also used to be like this, he smoked weed, and tried to come up with every excuse in the book as why he did it x
 
No excuses here diabetic or non diabetic - he is a manipulative monster, if you were my best mate I would be telling you to leave..

You sound like a super lovely person, and I really hope you can muster the strength to leave him, he has so many issues he needs to resolve and he shouldn't be treating you like this. No form of abuse is acceptable.

You cannot involve yourself any more with him, he will either self destruct or he will see sense and try and turn his life around whatever, you cannot be part of this he has to do this himself.

I really hope your ok, once you have some distance you will see and understand this for exactly what it is, listen to your intuitition though and do what you really feel is right. I wish you well x
 
Back
Top