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Doctor: "What seems to be the problem today?" Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time," The Doctor nods, "Hmm." Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've...

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look...

Just had a pacemaker fitted. My BGL as gone sky high, but don't want to do any corrections in case I get a bad hypo if it suddenly comes down on its own. Roll on this time next week.

Yesterday morning, I was diagnosed with heart failure. I was prescribed furosemide (water tablets) along with other drugs. Does anyone else take this drug? Since taking it, my blood glucose level has been higher. I don't know if it due to this drug, or it's just the warmer weather.

Arriving home, a husband was met by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "Ihe Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone." The husband drove down to confront the Chemist to demand an apology. Before he could say...

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,! 'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited...

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the...

Paddy is working on a building site and at dinner time all the lads on the site go into the port-a-cabin and bring out their sarnies and flasks. Paddy is amazed when he sees all the hot tea and coffee being poured out of the flasks. "Bejaysus!" says Paddy, “how does dat tea and coffee stay hot...

Murphy buys a talking budgie for £100. On Tuesday he is back in the pet shop. ‘’This budgie hasn’t said a word yet’’. The guy asks, ‘’Does he talk once he gets off his swing ?, as he won’t talk without one’’. Murphy buys a swing for £25. Wednesday he is back, ‘’The bird has said f**k all yet’’...

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and...

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It...

A blonde woman is invited for dinner at her cousins house and as they only live a few blocks apart the blonde lady decides to walk there. As the blonde is getting ready to leave to go home it starts pouring with rain. The cousin has had a few too many drinks at dinner so she says to her blonde...

Outside a chemist in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen. The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that...

Sent from the Diabetes Forum App

How many of you have been at every stage ?? STAGE 1 - CLEVER This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the...

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, 'Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get...

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride...

Dear Billy Joe Bob, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family...

How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a...

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Heathrow Airport One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim says, 'Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and...