Yeah - me and millions of others!!!
So far, I've kept myself alive - and that's about my biggest achievement in life - although I have a sneaky feeling I'll fail at that, too, some day ...
Motivation does go in cycles, and we start from wherever we are right now - certainly not something to get beat over (until the last paragraph!) And the worst carbs are very addictive - it's important to admit that.
A psychologist once told me there are three parts to making change:
- Identifying the change,
- Being motivated to do it, and
- Knowing how to do it.
You and I and most people here get (1) - good - done.
On point 3 ....
For me, when things are bad like that, it can sometimes be easier to go ultra-low carb, cold turkey, go into ketosis and stay there - at least until you retrain your body and your palate. I haven't done that for years, but when I have, I have been very happy once I got there - my biggest issue was forcing myself to eat some vegetables in the evening to keep my calorie intake up, and to get nutritional diversity. I find even a small amount of carbs (certainly anything starchy) can mess with my will power - it's easier to make sure I have only healthy stuff around, and not give my body the chance to get hooked again. I did eat nuts, when I was doing that regime. No root veg (maybe I had small amounts of carrot and beetroot - can't recall).
I kinda think of myself as a carboholic, in a very real sense; were I alcoholic, I'd find it easier to drink nothing than to drink a little.
When I'm addicted to bad fats, to grain, to sugar, or salt (and I've been all of those), it's easier to cut them out pretty much totally (not sodium/potassium completely, or you'll die after some weeks - especially in hot climates) than to cut them down. And none of them (except salt) is essential (there are many essential fats, but mostly you get those in healthful foods without realising it).
The other thing that really helped me - but not everybody finds this easy, and (anecdotally) there may be a gender difference in difficulty and success rates - is intermittent fasting; I have eaten One Meal A Day for years now (not every single day, but as the general rule); it doesn't particularly help with weight management, but it certainly helps a lot with HbA1c, and allows many of the body's systems to heal,
allegedly significantly reducing the odds against you for various metabolic and autoimmune type problems. And it means I only have one decision point per day where I can screw up and eat the wrong thing; and I know that I
have to eat a healthy and nutritious meal then, because it's the
only meal I'm getting -
there is no question of burger, fries, donuts and ice-cream for lunch and it'll be OK 'cos I'll have steamed vegetables later to make up for it! If I eat badly at night (when I have my meal), that's it for 24 hours. If I eat carbs and spike overnight, I'll have an increased chance of feeling hungry and miserable by lunchtime (at least overnight the worst of it levels out while you sleep - it's not as bad as spiking in the morning when I used to eat breakfast, and then spend most of the day hungry!). My decisions have immediate effects, in the next 24 hours - not just in 24 years. that's an important point - sometimes it's easy to make bad decisions when the consequences are vague or distant. Find ways of making clear and imminent consequences.
You and I both already know
what we are doing, but even so, keeping a food diary cam help us realise
how much we are doing it, to call ourselves out, making clear just exactly what the cumulative weight of our choices is.
And pure regime can help; if I have too many choices, I'm more likely to make bad ones. So if I'm in that kind of place, I'll shop when I'm disciplined, only buy the right stuff, and know in advance what every meal looks like. It takes some creativity out of mealtimes, but it de-risks them hugely, too. Other times, I can have chocolate in the house for years until it gets thrown out or someone else eats it in desperation (it helps to buy high-cocoa chocolate, of course
), and I can sometimes go without bread, pasta, potatoes for months - or more often at least for weeks.
On point 2 ...
There's carrot and stick.
The carrot can very often be finding small things to love, and doing them often. Focusing on doing good things for ourselves, in small doses, can help us become addicted to good behaviours, and also can generally improve our outlook and motivation to the point where we want to live and be healthy, and the fries and popcorn just don't seem important anymore.
My number one rule, even though I am a very self-sufficient and self-motivated person - is to have a person to love, who I need to be around, and who I know loves me. If you don't have this, work on making better friends as a top priority. I'm not talking about (necessarily) a life-partner - but somebody you feel accountable to, and who makes you know you are worth saving. Because you are. We all are - and most of us acknowledge that in the aggregate - but often we individually are the least convinced of it for ourselves. And I make no mistake - I
am talking about saving myself here - we know where this disease can go to if we choose
that other path.
The stick: if you know you don't respond to dark brutal self honesty, and that you'll warp it against yourself, do not read on.
<trigger warning>
There is a brutal response as well - although I know even this doesn't seem to help when you are in the depths of a slump; I think about the
worst outcomes of going down that slope - and I get graphic about it ... <self-redacted> ... and then force myself to answer
what do I choose? Do I
choose to put off self-care 'til Monday, when I know that Monday never comes? Or do I choose to get and stay healthier while I still am able to - when all it means is
not doing that one stupid thing - but instead
doing something that actually is just as pleasant, when I think about it! (I don't really feel better 10 minutes after eating the chocolate than after eating some cheese)? I consider if this choice is left
unmade, it is a positive choice to exit stage left in one of the frightening ways I know
(with a few horrific exceptions) - having lost any control over my own body and life (because I failed to exert control over it while I was still able).
</trigger warning>
The great thing about T2 is that for most of us, it's not too late. And having binged out and self-defeated for years doesn't
usually mean that you can't get a
lot better - or maybe still
totally better. It's not over until it is. So consider today as day 1, not day 745 ...
And if this fails, I think I would force myself to come clean to a friend, a counsellor, or somebody else who'd help me be honest with myself about what I really want out of life and death, and about whether my actions support those wishes. That is very difficult. Or a 12-step might actually be easier - I don't know. I've never
really done this; I've talked loosely about my challenges, but not honestly and intimately in a "help me keep my ^£%£ straight" way. But if I need to, I have the relationships to support that. Ultimately, for me at least, sometimes the cost of not living and dying miserably is being honest with myself - about what I want, what I am scared of, what I am actually doing right now, and how those things support each other.