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OK. You’re not going to enjoy this post, but I have to write it and you need to read it.
In preparation for this post, I wanted to do a search of your thread for a post I made to you some time ago, where I stated in pretty clear words, of as few syllables as I could muster just exactly how your actions of that time were f&*^ing with your mind, your body and frankly putting you into a position where you have the revolver od diabetic of Russian roulette at your temple. But, I couldn’t find it. But the search was valuable because it was a real straightener for me, and informed me of even more hard facts which do nothing to disabuse me of my Russian roulette theory.
Bottom line is; these thread have been running, in one form or another since your first post of 25th November 2012. Yes, 2012. That’s almost a year longer then I have been diagnosed.. But the sad, worrying, awful thing about all 38 threads you have created is how few of them indicate any real progress, and certainly their quantum shouts loud and clear that the success you have enjoyed along the way, and don’t get me wrong, there have been some, have been short-lived and not sustained. Unfortunately, that isn’t the way diabetes works for a great outcome. The potential long term consequences of that kind of activity aren’t good, and you know it.
Right now, I can’t decide what is driving your particular brand of self-destructive behaviour. I’m not clever enough to get to the bottom of that, but the bottom line is you need help I seriously doubt we can give you on the Internet. You need counselling. Indeed, you’ve had some counselling, but I don’t know what brought that to an end. Maybe the end of your degree and therefore your time in your Uni city. I don’t know.
But bottom line is you are bouncing around like a diabetic steel ball in a pinball machine; bouncing off the buffers, triggering alarm bells, sometimes happy bells and round you go again, until you come right down the middle of the pinball playing field and straight into the gutter, ending that play of the game.
Absolute bottom line is you have to decide what you’re going to do and stick to it. Choose one set of advisors, whoever that is, and stick with them.
Last night I just couldn’t get the good old Dolly Parton song out of my mind,…… “Here you go again”, and this morning I actually called it up on YouTube, and it really can be applied to you. In the song, Dolly represents you and the person she sings about is your attitude to your diabetes, and your constantly changes in approach to your care, and self care. Watch it and overlay those thoughts.
Now, today, choose your which route you are going to adopt and stick with it. Thus far, the influencers I have read you cite are:
· GP at home
· GP at Uni
· Nurse at home
· Nurse at Uni
· Parents
· Flatmates
· Counsellor
· Hospital Doctors
· Personal Trainers
· T’internet – Here I have no idea if you subscribe elsewhere
. There are probably more I don't understand
You appear to listen to the person shouting loudest at any given moment. That’s simply not going to work. From somewhere inside you, you have to summon up your own voice, your own will and some application.
As I said, at the beginning of this post, I’m sure this isn’t comfortable reading for you. It hasn’t been so comfortable to write either, but I have reached the end of the “There, there” platitudes.
You are a bright young man, who needs to apply a few of those grey cells to steady, progressive thought. You need help, but more than anything else you need to help yourself, and until such times as you decide to help yourself properly, our efforts to support you will be futile.
AndBreathe said "You appear to listen to the person shouting loudest at any given moment. That’s simply not going to work. From somewhere inside you, you have to summon up your own voice, your own will and some application."
I totally agree with this. This is where I was for years, but thankfully the only health issue I had then was my weight. I wasn't diabetic back then. As AndBreathe says, and as I have said before, you need counselling. I don't believe you will find a way forward without good quality help. Please speak to your GP about this. I was referred for 8 sessions of counselling by my GP. The counsellor was so good that I decided to carry on seeing her and have had 25 sessions now. Your issues with food go much deeper than simply figuring out why you binge at any given moment. This isn't about will power or even carb addiction. Carb addiction doesn't take that long to beat if you are dedicated. I don't feel you will be able to beat it until you face some deep seated issues. You probably don't really know what those deep down issues are. I didn't. Counselling is not cheap, but then neither is the kick boxing.
I understand now why I, like you, kept self sabotaging my own plans. There is a reason that your own will can't surface and you end up relying on others. You need help in discovering those reasons and you need it now. If you don't get that help now I can only see a bleak future ahead for you.
I'm afraid only you can do this Akindrat.
@AndBreathe @zand
You are both totally right, I feel like I've been on a Yo-yo for the past several months; neglecting my health, medication, uni work and mental health. 2 days ago I wrote to a local mental health charity to access counselling and below is what I wrote and how I felt at the time:
I am in need of some face to face counselling as I am having major mental health issues as I've been having suicidal thoughts and been feeling depressed for months due to finishing university and dealing with the pressures of assignments, finding work and waiting anxiously for my results. I don't know what to do or who to turn to as I've been speaking with Samaritans which has helped slightly, but last week when I ended up in hospital with high blood sugars as I am diabetic, I just broke down crying in front of my nan and she suggested that I should seek help.
The doctors and nurses that I now see in my home town are useless to the ones that I saw when I was studying in Derby for 3 years. It was at Derby when I got diagnosed with Type 2 in October 2012, in my home town the doctors refused to test me for diabetes.
I've got to admit that in the past the few weeks that I've been bingeing on ****, not testing my blood sugars regularly as my current gp will not supply testing strips for my meter true result, they will only supply wavesense strips for the jazz meter which I don't like. I've tried convincing my gp that LCHF does work, but he will not listen and it gets me really angry and I tell my parents this. My parents are really supportive, but they will still buy biscuits and ice cream and I cannot help myself but eat a couple or have an ice cream cone.
I've tried everything apart from eating to what my blood sugar meter is saying and maybe I need to start doing this from now on and eating high protein, moderate fat , low carb.