Cracker Jokes

[Robinredbreast]

Great White Shark meets his pal the Tiger shark and gives him a dead octopus he has caught.
"Here's that sick squid I owe you"

Now that's so bad, it's actually good lol

 

[Andrew S]

What do you call the most beautiful undiscovered colour?

It doesn't matter as it's just a pigment of the imagination.

 

[Andrew S]

Did you hear about the horse who became a recording artist?

He went from "clip clop" to hip hop!

 

[Andrew S]

What do you get if you cross a cow with Ian Hislop and Paul Merton?

Have I got moos for you!

 

[Andrew S]

On arriving at the restaurant: "Waiter, waiter, what do you recommend as a starter?"

"It's hard to say, I could come back to you when you have finished your main courses."

 

[Andrew S]

The waiter told me the duck was off so I said "Never mind, just bring me the bill".

 

[Andrew S]

I won a ride on a steam train. I felt really chuffed!

 

[Andrew S]

"Waiter waiter, I am not happy, your egg white omelette is beyond a yolk"

 

[eddie1968]

Hear about the Irish woman who washed her stairs ?
Broke the washing machine

 

[eddie1968]

This is not a cracker joke but is funny
An evil man dies and is met by the devil in hell and old Nick says he can start his punishment. He enters this cavern and sees Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot and a lot of other people standing in a pool of smelly human faeces drinking cups of tea. The man thinks this ain't so bad and steps into the pool and is handed a cuppa. Five minutes later a bell rings and a tannoy says "Right tea break is over, now heads under".

 

[Robinredbreast]

Hear about the Irish woman who washed her stairs ?
Broke the washing machine

The dafter the better lol

 

[Robinredbreast]

This is not a cracker joke but is funny
An evil man dies and is met by the devil in hell and old Nick says he can start his punishment. He enters this cavern and sees Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot and a lot of other people standing in a pool of smelly human faeces drinking cups of tea. The man thinks this ain't so bad and steps into the pool and is handed a cuppa. Five minutes a bell rings and a tannoy says "Right tea break is over, now heads under".

lol

 

[eddie1968]

A quick one as I am on my lunch break.
Two cows grazing in a field and one says"Ethyl, do you think that Mad Cow Disease will affect us ?"
Ethyl says "Dunno, I'm a helicopter!"

 

[adrian207]

A quick one as I am on my lunch break.
Two cows grazing in a field and one says"Ethyl, do you think that Mad Cow Disease will affect us ?"
Ethyl says "Dunno, I'm a helicopter!"

The name Ethyl reminded me of the below.................................DON'T LOOK ETHYL

YOU GIT YO CLOTHES OW_N

 

[adrian207]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?................................


No eye deer


what do you call a deer with no eyes frozen to the spot?......................


still no eye deer

 

[RosieLKH]

I'm going to use some of these in my home made crackers.

 

[RosieLKH]

And these were last year's offerings:

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin; 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

 

[adrian207]

And these were last year's offerings:

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin; 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

Every one of those made me giggle ...........................yeh I know, I should get out more

 

[Andrew S]

A horse walked into a bank. The cashier said "the bar's next door", the horse said "I want to make a deposit". He promptly made a deposit and the cashier said "Well it could come in useful as manure for my roses"

 

[Andrew S]

A horse walked into a barn. End of joke.