Failure

[lottieblot]

I have never felt like more of a failure than today. Had my appointment today and my HbA1c is still >14%.

It has now been almost 5 years that I have been diagnosed - by now it all should be just like brushing teeth: A HABIT but it isn't. I have been in denial from the start. I have a stubborn character which doesn't make it easier.

I'm the sort of person who has blamed every signle thing that has happened to me on this disease. I know no one of my age or even just around me that has diabetes. Most of my friends don't know about it and if they do, they don't know what it is. Long story-short I feel ALONE.
In our appointment today, my father actually cried. It has reached a point where I am a disappointment even to him, the one closest to me in this world. To be honest it's what hurts the most. Nevermind me or the doctor but my own father.

Anyways, the doctor wants me to go into this clinic (I hate these places). Thing is, if I go in it will be with the thought that it's not going to help - therefore it won't.
I'm desperately searching for an alternative but nothing is coming to mind.
I feel LOST

 

[smidge]

Hey Lottieblot!

Really sorry to hear you're not coping too well! Let's look at a couple of things:

1. Your father didn't cry because he's disappointed in you. He cried because he loves you and is worried sick about what your high BGs are doing to your health. He feels powerless to help you and that hurts him.

2. You're not alone even if it feels like it. You have your father who desperately wants to help you. You have doctors trying to find the best course of action for you and you have everyone on this forum who understand what you are going through and are rooting for you.

3. Your BG is far too high to be healthy. You know that. Take the offer of help that has been made to you. Go to the clinic. Make a list of questions you want to ask them and anything you wish to tell them. Read through posts on this forum and ask any questions you wish - you will get advice and support.

Take it one step at a time by setting yourself little goals that you can achieve. Make a deal with yourself to get this diabetes under your control instead of the other way around!

Good luck and let us know how you're doing.

Smidge

 

[bobismad]

Hi Lottieblot, I've been type 1 for 25 years nearly, and can really see where you are comming from, for the 1st 10 years I really didnt accept that I have an illness and ignored it, never taking blood tests, missing injections, not going to the clinics, the whole lot....I had a 'wake up call' about 10 years ago when I was taken into hospital with severe DKA (ketoacidosis) and doc told me that I was hours away from renal failiure, simply because I ran my sugars for so high for so long (regularly in the 20's), after that I realised that I had to do something, or I'd die, even now I'm not perfect but my hbac is down from 16 to 9.1 although the down side has been with the lower sugars I have lost all warning signs of impending hypos. My consultant is great, he dont sugar coat the facts....he just says it as it is, when he saw me in the hosp he basically stood there and said 'I dont care if you dont do what we'd like you to do, I wont affect me, when you go blind, I'll still sleep ok, when you lose the use of your limbs, it'll not bother me when I walk to my car, and when 'IT' stops working I certainly wont lose any sleep over it, so its up to you and you alone to change, even slightly we will help you in whatever way we can, but if you dont try we cant help, think about it'. It was really the 1st time I really considered, what I was doing to myself, and over the next 3-4 years I tried really hard to bring the sugars under control, which I have managed to a degree, and I know its hard to accept, but if you dont, putting it bluntly, you have no-one to blame but yourself for the complications that will inevitably follow, that IS the harsh reality that we all as diabetics have to face every day, no-one else can do it, it has to come from inside of you. I know I dont sound that helpful, but I'm passing on my expeience, and hope you dont make the same mistake I did.

Also, diabeties can really affect your mood and your perceptions, so what seems so really 'rational' train of thought, can seem to others as totally 'out the park'.


I really do hope you can find your way, and wish you all the best.

Sorry for the 'war and peace' response

Bob

 

[Pneu]

Hi Lottieblot...

Firstly let me reassure you that you are not the first person to be in this position and you aren't going to be the last.. let me say that there is hope and that you can improve and get good blood glucose control.

Diabetes is all to easy to ignore.. I know I have been there and ignored it and then ended up in A&E because of it... not the proudest moment in my life but that was my wake up call.. the good thing is that you recognise the problem and you appear to have support which is the first step to resolving the problem..

Unfortunately there is no silver bullet or magic cure good control comes down to hard work... that you are going to have to accept.. Good control also to an extent means life change in terms of diet that you are going to have to accept... and good control means not lying to yourself..

Taking control of your diabetes means understanding your body and your diabetes everyone is different so you need to understand how it effects you... I would suggest you do the following:

1. Get into the habit of testing... I know its a pain and inconvenient but you can't have good control if you don't test... Ideally you should aim to test before each meal and 2 hours post meal... record the numbers in a diary or on a spreadsheet.. recording them will make you accountable it will also show trends and patterns that you can build your control from..

2. Get yourself on a carb-counting course if you haven;t been on one.. this can be organised through your GP or Clinic... this will teach you how to work out how much insulin to inject.

3. Record all the carbohydrates that you eat.. and the insulin that you take..

Once you have done the above for a few days begin to adjust the insulin.. if after a meal you go high next time increase your ratio of insulin to carbohydrates.. aim to get your fasting sugars to between 6 - 8 and your two hour post meals under 10.. then as you begin to understand and get control and hope that you can manage this you can start to lower those blood glucose...

I guarantee you that if you do the above and don't cheat or miss tests or injections that in two weeks you will see results..

Remember we are all hear to talk to.. we all know how tough it can be.. but it doesn;t have to be.. you can control this! and once you have control and not the diabetes you will feel 10000000 times better

 

[bobismad]

Hi again, I always forgot to note my tests down, my best advice is ask your DLN for a meter that logs your tests and that you can plug into the computer, and print them off, I used to use an One touch ultra smart, but have just recieved an insulinx, which also helps work out your doses of insulin based on blood levels and carbs, it's a cracker..easy to use as well.

Bob

 

[Jen&Khaleb]

Get testing and take control of your blood sugar. You can do it!!! Don't do it too fast or you are going to feel terrible but over the next couple of months just bring yourself down. Start carrying what you need with you all the time - including some hypo stuff. You are still going to see some freaky levels now and again but if you are 'in range' for the majority of the time those high episodes wont affect your health.

Here is the story of insulin. Appreciate every drop!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JA7jVqYOf2k

You are not a failure and Smidge is so right when saying your Dad loves and worries about you. You never know what it is to be a child, until you have one.

 

[bobismad]

Hi, I always carry glucose tablets in a 1/2 sized tobbacco tim (got mine in poundland) and put it in a small neoprine camera case (again poundland), which I either clip to my beltloop if I'm wearling jeans or to my car keys at other times, I always carry my testing kit in my jacket pocket, it has alarms set to cover mealtime tests as well as 2hrs after each...its been a struggle for the consultant to get me to do this as I never used to but with the hypo probs I've had, I needed to keep 1 in the car all the timebut the new insulinx is quite a bit less bulky than the one touch unit. At one point the cons suggested that I carry a 'Man Bag' :lol: , but for me that was a no chance.... :thumbdown: not because I'm a fashonista, but very forgetful (I'd forget ma gonads if they wernt in a wee bag for me!!! ), but like I said last night, lots of 'small' changes add up to a real differenceand I cant advocate regular testing enough.

Me of all people!!!.

Bob

 

[sophie7]

Hey

Seriously don't feel like a failure. I too hate the mention of the word clinic. I actually had the opposite problem last time I went. My HBA1C was something 46 - about 6.0 mmols. They basically said it was too low, so I spent an hour with the dietician describing the "right eating habits" to me!
High blood sugars are horrible, and I know how out of control they can make you feel too. The best thing I can suggest is just trying to test more. I know everyone else has said it, but once you do get into the hang of it, just trying each day at a time, then it does really help keep things in control.
I would also suggest being more open about it. I think it was about when I got into senior school that I became more open. Before then, very few people know, but now I am ok with testing my BG in front of them (not like in their faces! but they are always very considerate). Yes, they ask questions, but it is amazing how kind some people can actually be. Yes, it's frustrating that they don't always understand. A few times i've had things like "does it hurt?" and the really annoying "that's so cool" (yeah, it really is...!), but curiosity is only natural. And if you want someone to talk to, do just send me an email at any time, and I'll be more than happy to talk to you.
Sophie

 

[Bucco]

Really interesting responses, I have only just been diagnosed as an adult onset type 1... Had my first jab of insulin last Thursday night, and now have to learn in a few weeks what you have been lucky enough to have had your parents help you learn since you were little....personally I think you are luckier than me! I would be very grateful if you could help me understand how to deal with being a newly diagnosed type 1, especially as a 44 year old man who has always been fit and healthy.

By the way my hbac1 is 9.5, fasting BG is over 15 and 2 hrs after food is over 20....

 

[Jen&Khaleb]

Bucco, a lot of it is just trial and error. My 5 yr old has been diabetic since he was 8 months old and knows that he gets his finger pricked before he eats and his food gets weighed before he can eat it. Counting carbs is the easiest way to learn to match your insulin to food. Eating smaller, regular meals can help to keep levels in the right place and also not leave you feeling hungry or deprived. My son has an hba1c of 6.8% and the average on his meter is around the 7.5-8.5mmol mark most of the time. There are ways that you can get around doing most things but it takes more organisation and preparation.

As a parent I can tell you it is a huge shock to have your child diagnosed and we tend to have to get up and check kids in the wee hours of the morning quite a lot as kids tend to be hypo unaware. Everyone on here will be happy to help you out with tips on managing blood sugar day to day, with exercise or while sick or stressed. One big balancing act. Keep positive and don't stop doing things because of diabetes.

 

[SugarPlums]

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