- Messages
- 125
- Type of diabetes
- Type 1
Hello,
I am discussing this on the forum because no matter how hard my friends and family try to comfort me, I feel so so alone and that no one actually understands how I'm feeling. I wonder if any of you can help. This is a long story so if this doesn't ring bells then please don't feel like you need to read on : recently diagnosed type 1, miscarriage immediately after diagnosis, returning to work, best friends pregnancy news, guilt and sadness.
I was diagnosed type 1 on 2nd February this year, I was pregnant at the time (8.5 weeks) On the same day, I had an early scan but my baby only measured 6 weeks development. I was told that my hbA1c was 104 and this was probably to cause of the slowed development and that I should expect to miscarry. Immediately after being told this I was also told that I was not allowed to leave hospital without starting insulin. 2 days later I miscarried our baby. It was utterly heartbreaking and even now the guilt of knowing that my body and my diabetes caused this to happen is tearing me apart. I'm so angry and I just can't find any justification for it all. I did everything right, I didn't drink, I don't smoke, I took all my vitamins, I ate well, I talked to my baby even though I knew it couldn't hear. I loved our baby so much and I had never even met it.
I immediately went into organising mode and focused solely on my diabetes management. I cried lots and lots but didn't actually think about what had happened in too much detail. I went back to work as a DT teacher and found my first 4 days great, my bloods responded well and it kept my mind busy. However the fact that I had to say prayers with my students every morning when I was in a huge faith crisis was eating me up. I was leading prayers to a God who had betrayed me and my family.
On the 5th day my best friend pulled me aside and told me that she was unexpectedly 8-9 weeks pregnant. I was so happy for her but it immediately pushed all my loss right to the front of my mind and I broke. As soon as I left her side I cried and cried and cried and couldn't control it. She is going to be just 2-3 weeks behind where I should have been and I would have to face her developing and all things that go along with it e.g discussions over lunch and scans etc. This will be everyday. I feel like I am the worst person in the world because my friend being pregnant is making me sad and making me suffer from severe anxiety of work. I told her to ask me anything and that I was there for her and to send me her early scan images. But when she did this it made me have a panic attack and I was unconsolable. She asked to see me last week but I asked if we could leave it another few days as I was to low but that she could text and ask me anything. She told me I was being selfish and said she wouldn't share any of her pregnancy with me. She told me she couldn't believe how bad of a friend I was being and that I was only considering myself. 2 of her other friends had recently lost babies and I think she was just scared but again the guilt for not being there for her when she was anxious is awful. She has apologised for saying it but I know deep down she meant it. I feel awful.
I've been signed off for the last 2 weeks from work and have 1 more to go. I'm so so so low and so angry at everything. I'm angry that I have diabetes and I'm angry that my baby has died and I'm so sad. I can't even begin to explain how sad. We planned this baby for over a year and I knew I was pregnant from less than 4 weeks. I know so many people must have miscarriages but I can't cope with the diabetes, grief, work and then my friends news. My husband is now also suffering from a period of cluster migraines which I can only put down to stress.
I've tried to get a referral to the diabetic psychologist but I've waited 2 weeks and I'm not even on the waiting list yet.
I just need some advice, support or just someone to talk to who at least kind of understands what I'm going through. I feel so alone and I can't sleep due to my mind just going over and over and over it as I have no one who can make me feel better. I wish my family could, because they are trying so hard and I appreciate them so much, but it just doesn't help. Hopefully someone here can.
I am discussing this on the forum because no matter how hard my friends and family try to comfort me, I feel so so alone and that no one actually understands how I'm feeling. I wonder if any of you can help. This is a long story so if this doesn't ring bells then please don't feel like you need to read on : recently diagnosed type 1, miscarriage immediately after diagnosis, returning to work, best friends pregnancy news, guilt and sadness.
I was diagnosed type 1 on 2nd February this year, I was pregnant at the time (8.5 weeks) On the same day, I had an early scan but my baby only measured 6 weeks development. I was told that my hbA1c was 104 and this was probably to cause of the slowed development and that I should expect to miscarry. Immediately after being told this I was also told that I was not allowed to leave hospital without starting insulin. 2 days later I miscarried our baby. It was utterly heartbreaking and even now the guilt of knowing that my body and my diabetes caused this to happen is tearing me apart. I'm so angry and I just can't find any justification for it all. I did everything right, I didn't drink, I don't smoke, I took all my vitamins, I ate well, I talked to my baby even though I knew it couldn't hear. I loved our baby so much and I had never even met it.
I immediately went into organising mode and focused solely on my diabetes management. I cried lots and lots but didn't actually think about what had happened in too much detail. I went back to work as a DT teacher and found my first 4 days great, my bloods responded well and it kept my mind busy. However the fact that I had to say prayers with my students every morning when I was in a huge faith crisis was eating me up. I was leading prayers to a God who had betrayed me and my family.
On the 5th day my best friend pulled me aside and told me that she was unexpectedly 8-9 weeks pregnant. I was so happy for her but it immediately pushed all my loss right to the front of my mind and I broke. As soon as I left her side I cried and cried and cried and couldn't control it. She is going to be just 2-3 weeks behind where I should have been and I would have to face her developing and all things that go along with it e.g discussions over lunch and scans etc. This will be everyday. I feel like I am the worst person in the world because my friend being pregnant is making me sad and making me suffer from severe anxiety of work. I told her to ask me anything and that I was there for her and to send me her early scan images. But when she did this it made me have a panic attack and I was unconsolable. She asked to see me last week but I asked if we could leave it another few days as I was to low but that she could text and ask me anything. She told me I was being selfish and said she wouldn't share any of her pregnancy with me. She told me she couldn't believe how bad of a friend I was being and that I was only considering myself. 2 of her other friends had recently lost babies and I think she was just scared but again the guilt for not being there for her when she was anxious is awful. She has apologised for saying it but I know deep down she meant it. I feel awful.
I've been signed off for the last 2 weeks from work and have 1 more to go. I'm so so so low and so angry at everything. I'm angry that I have diabetes and I'm angry that my baby has died and I'm so sad. I can't even begin to explain how sad. We planned this baby for over a year and I knew I was pregnant from less than 4 weeks. I know so many people must have miscarriages but I can't cope with the diabetes, grief, work and then my friends news. My husband is now also suffering from a period of cluster migraines which I can only put down to stress.
I've tried to get a referral to the diabetic psychologist but I've waited 2 weeks and I'm not even on the waiting list yet.
I just need some advice, support or just someone to talk to who at least kind of understands what I'm going through. I feel so alone and I can't sleep due to my mind just going over and over and over it as I have no one who can make me feel better. I wish my family could, because they are trying so hard and I appreciate them so much, but it just doesn't help. Hopefully someone here can.