Living with a partner with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes

[Molly56]

It sound like he's living a separate life from you, not one of a devoted partner ! So unless you want to move out of this relationship, I would say just just lead your life separate from him now.. You know and I expect he knows what he is doing to himself .. So the more detached you become the less painful it will be for you.
You must ask yourself .. Is this man wanting to just be alone .. Not part of a relationship with you in it. Life is way to short to be stuck in a loveless relationship.. Cut the emotional ties and just enjoy your own life now. If he wants to join in then that great .. Otherwise leave him to himself. Who knows mr right may just be around the corner ...

@Enclave ….having read your post I think that you have hit the nail on the head as they say….I certainly feel that we have been increasingly leading separate lives….

This is not necessarily a bad thing (thought I expect there may be many that disagree with this) as it does allow me time to myself to do the things that I want and need to do.

I have, as you say, tried to become detached from the situation and have regularly kept telling myself in my head “it is not my problem” in order to try to cope with the situation…..sometimes this works….but invariably I come back to trying to think what I can do to make the situation better…

As to whether he wants to be alone I would say that this is not the case…I think he does love and care for me even though he hasn’t really shown it lately …..but then I too could be accused of that, having tried to distance myself on a number of occasions both physically and emotionally from the situation just to deal with my own feelings....

Having said all that .....I do feel that we may have reached a turning point in that following a recent conversation with someone a few nights ago I know now that I need to talk to him and get this sorted out….…there are also small glimmers of him wanting to make changes so perhaps all is not lost just yet and there is some hope…

For the moment I will stick with it ….but if all else fails, as you say, I can start looking round the corner for Mr Right….though whether he would want me, who knows….

Thank you for your message....it really helped by making me think about the situation .....even though I already knew that was what was happening, seeing it in black and white just brings it home and is making me deal with it.

 

[Enclave]

Phew, thank you Molly, I was wondering if I had been to blunt with my observations .. Only I wasted several years of my life in a relationship that was not working and slightly recognised the staying in bed and not saying what was being felt .. Her not me .. I was just tiptoeing round on egg shells .. Now my (new wife of 25 years) marriage is a very happy one, my wife supports me when I need it and i am happy to accept the support. We do things together and separately so not joined at the hip .. But We know that we are there for each other when needed. Yes the wife has a funny/ cruel way sometimes ( won't tell you where she was going to stab me for the bs test if I did not do it myself in a finger ! Needless to say with her broad smile she gave me .. I opted to test myself not risking being chased round the street with my wife running after me with a test meter) we do laugh a lot .. Sometimes I get to feel down with joint pains due to statins .. Angina pains ( heart bypass aprox 22 years ago) and now diabites .. But am I allowed to stay feeling down .. No .. The wife will do everything in her power to stop this .. If It means crying on the floor with laughter to push me out of feeling down then she will find a way to do this ... Mr right mabe your man .. He just need reminding of this .. Go play Janis Joplin's woman left lonely on repeat at him for a few hours that should give home the message ! Or at least stop him from sleeping .. The more he sleeps the more he will need sleep !

 

[Molly56]

Exactly what do you get out of this relationship Molly? I can't help but wonder. Sounds like depression and frustration on every side to me.

Ive been reading both your threads for a while now Molly and I've got to admit I was wondering the same thing.
I'm sorry for your situation but you have to ask yourself what's in it for you and how much are you prepared to give.

@Indy51 @Sancho panza …..I guess you are both asking the question that many others have and the question that I have been asking myself for a while…..

Not sure I can really give an answer to the question but clearly something I need to think about…unfortunately sometimes it is difficult to see the positives when the negatives seem to be so apparent but I am sure there are some positive aspects…

Sometimes this feels like it is getting a bit like relationship counselling rather than discussing diabetes but I guess that emotional issues are a big part of this issue as well as the physical aspects.

Thank you for your questions ….by people questioning issues such as this it is at least making me think it through more closely than I would do otherwise….

 

[Sancho panza]

Thanks for your reply Molly
I certainly wouldn't want to presume to offer any sort of relationship counselling it's not my place and to be honest my track record isn't the best.
I hope no offence was taken I suspect that there are many people on here who are concerned for you and hope you can get your partner to a better place.
I know these are just anonymous words on a screen but you have friends here Molly and people who care.

Take care

 

[gingecoll]

Hi Molly, as others have said, it sounds to me like your partner is suffering depression. Everything fits, stating in bed, too tired to do anything, little interest in life etc.
He is stuck in a cycle of not controlling his diabetes because he's depressed and so his diabetes gets worse making him more depressed. If he isn't controlling things his BG levels will be sky high no doubt. This as I remember too well makes you feel so tired, at 39 I felt like a man of 69, I felt so I'll.
He needs a short sharp shock as to the consequences of him leaving things as they are. But for anything to really get through he needs to treat his depression, can you get him to see a doctor? Is there someone he will listen to? Depression is a serious mental illness that is as debilitating as uncontrolled diabetes and can lead people to do things harmful to themselves.
I wish you luck in your problem and I hope you find a solution that's good for the both of you.

 

[< sharon>]

Why dont you ask him to join this forum molly , he could make new friends and learn more about his condition ?

 

[Molly56]

Hi Molly, as others have said, it sounds to me like your partner is suffering depression. Everything fits, stating in bed, too tired to do anything, little interest in life etc.
He is stuck in a cycle of not controlling his diabetes because he's depressed and so his diabetes gets worse making him more depressed. If he isn't controlling things his BG levels will be sky high no doubt. This as I remember too well makes you feel so tired, at 39 I felt like a man of 69, I felt so I'll.
He needs a short sharp shock as to the consequences of him leaving things as they are. But for anything to really get through he needs to treat his depression, can you get him to see a doctor? Is there someone he will listen to? Depression is a serious mental illness that is as debilitating as uncontrolled diabetes and can lead people to do things harmful to themselves.
I wish you luck in your problem and I hope you find a solution that's good for the both of you.

@gingecoll ...the doctor is already aware of the situation and the depression...is already on medication for this but perhaps it just isn't being effective. ..

On a positive note I think some progress is being made...have noticed a slightly more positive attitude towards his diabetes over the last few days...only small steps but steps forward nonetheless....

Thank you for your reply and best wishes...

 

[gingecoll]

@gingecoll ...the doctor is already aware of the situation and the depression...is already on medication for this but perhaps it just isn't being effective. ..

On a positive note I think some progress is being made...have noticed a slightly more positive attitude towards his diabetes over the last few days...only small steps but steps forward nonetheless....

Thank you for your reply and best wishes...

Hi Molly, that's good to hear! The size of the steps matter not, lots of small steps = giant leaps! He's going in the right direction and its this that will see both his diabetes and happiness improve.

 

[Molly56]

Looks like we are making some progress over the weekend.....details posted on other thread....feeling a bit more positive

 

[crystal]

Hi Molly,
I have Type 1, but have experienced a combination of poor control/high readings together with clinical depression, so I can identify with some of your partner's behaviour. The high readings used to make me very sleepy and sluggish. It was hard to keep my eyes open and my legs felt so heavy when walking, it was like wading through treacle. I had no stamina and had to keep sitting down to rest and catch my breath. Depression also makes people feel that they never get enough sleep. On waking in the morning I used to feel tired and in need of more sleep. My short-term memory became very bad and made it very difficult to do my job. I also had very poor concentration. The antidepressant (sertraline) didn't seem to help, but was a very effective anti-anxiety treatment. I stopped worrying about my situation and lost all motivation! I stopped caring about everything that used to be important to me. Losing my job was a wake-up call. I decided to stop the antidepressant, against my GPs advice, and immediately felt a bit more clear headed. I then phoned the nurses help-line at my clinic, explained the situation and was given an emergency appointment. This set the ball rolling for a pump referral. Within a week of being on the pump I had more energy. After three weeks the mental fog lifted and my brain started working properly again. My HbA1C started to drop and has now been on target for the last five years. I found a new job and had no more problems. I probably never had depression, just diabetes burn-out, which has similar symptoms, but made the mistake of talking to my GP instead of my Diabetes clinic.
I have since found out that staying on an antidepressant for too long can cause similar problems to those caused by clinical depression! My GP certainly wasn't aware of this.
My own experience makes me wonder whether your partner really is very ill and badly mentally affected by his diabetes, not just being very selfish and difficult. If so, then he is not in a fit state to help himself and really needs more expert care than he seems to be receiving. Perhaps his antidepressant medication also needs to be reviewed.
Lastly, are his doctor/diabetes nurse aware of his extreme lethargy and memory problems? He may have been unable to discuss it with them due to cognitive impairment.
I do hope that you find a way of obtaining more effective help for your partner soon, for your own sake as well as his.
I wish you the very best.
Crystal

 

[Molly56]

Hi Molly,
I have Type 1, but have experienced a combination of poor control/high readings together with clinical depression, so I can identify with some of your partner's behaviour. The high readings used to make me very sleepy and sluggish. It was hard to keep my eyes open and my legs felt so heavy when walking, it was like wading through treacle. I had no stamina and had to keep sitting down to rest and catch my breath. Depression also makes people feel that they never get enough sleep. On waking in the morning I used to feel tired and in need of more sleep. My short-term memory became very bad and made it very difficult to do my job. I also had very poor concentration. The antidepressant (sertraline) didn't seem to help, but was a very effective anti-anxiety treatment. I stopped worrying about my situation and lost all motivation! I stopped caring about everything that used to be important to me. Losing my job was a wake-up call. I decided to stop the antidepressant, against my GPs advice, and immediately felt a bit more clear headed. I then phoned the nurses help-line at my clinic, explained the situation and was given an emergency appointment. This set the ball rolling for a pump referral. Within a week of being on the pump I had more energy. After three weeks the mental fog lifted and my brain started working properly again. My HbA1C started to drop and has now been on target for the last five years. I found a new job and had no more problems. I probably never had depression, just diabetes burn-out, which has similar symptoms, but made the mistake of talking to my GP instead of my Diabetes clinic.
I have since found out that staying on an antidepressant for too long can cause similar problems to those caused by clinical depression! My GP certainly wasn't aware of this.
My own experience makes me wonder whether your partner really is very ill and badly mentally affected by his diabetes, not just being very selfish and difficult. If so, then he is not in a fit state to help himself and really needs more expert care than he seems to be receiving. Perhaps his antidepressant medication also needs to be reviewed.
Lastly, are his doctor/diabetes nurse aware of his extreme lethargy and memory problems? He may have been unable to discuss it with them due to cognitive impairment.
I do hope that you find a way of obtaining more effective help for your partner soon, for your own sake as well as his.
I wish you the very best.
Crystal

@crystal …..Thank you for sharing your experience….a lot of this does sound very familiar….the poor control / high readings….feeling sleepy / sluggish / unable to wake up in the mornings…short term memory / poor concentration….

Like you were my partner is on sertraline and I am interested when you say that it didn’t really help but was an effective anti-anxiety treatment….this may explain why my partner is not worried about his situation and has lost all motivation ….as you say you did….perhaps sometimes being less anxious is not a good thing.

I have often wondered about how effective antidepressants are and whether they just mask the problem rather than solve it…….on a personal note I have been offered antidepressants firstly about fifteen years ago (by a previous GP when going through a previous bad patch – unrelated to current circumstances) and then again just recently by my current GP…..on both occasions I refused them as I said that I would prefer to find some other way of dealing with low mood / anxiety / depression or whatever you want to call it…..so far I have managed to find other coping strategies that have helped me.

Personally I don’t think that the antidepressants are necessarily the right answer for my partner and, like you think that perhaps they are not really helping him or having the desired effect…..whether or not he is ever taken off of the antidepressants is a matter for discussion with the GP but I expect that now he is on them they will leave him on them long term.

The other alternative is to do as you did and just stop taking them ….at one point a few months back he did stop them but quickly went back on them after about a week as he felt worse…feelings of anxiety etc….…this I think was just the effect of stopping them dead (not recommended I know) rather than a gradual withdrawal to minimise side effects / withdrawal symptoms…

In answer to your final question the GP is aware of his lethargy / memory problems as I made a point of mentioning them when I went to see the GP myself just recently to explain why I was not coping very well with the situation, so least he is aware of what is going on and can deal with it as required.

Thanks once again for your message – it was very helpful.

 

[graj0]

Hi Molly,
I have Type 1, but have experienced a combination of poor control/high readings together with clinical depression, so I can identify with some of your partner's behaviour. The high readings used to make me very sleepy and sluggish. It was hard to keep my eyes open and my legs felt so heavy when walking, it was like wading through treacle. I had no stamina and had to keep sitting down to rest and catch my breath. Depression also makes people feel that they never get enough sleep. On waking in the morning I used to feel tired and in need of more sleep. My short-term memory became very bad and made it very difficult to do my job. I also had very poor concentration. The antidepressant (sertraline) didn't seem to help, but was a very effective anti-anxiety treatment. I stopped worrying about my situation and lost all motivation! I stopped caring about everything that used to be important to me. Losing my job was a wake-up call. I decided to stop the antidepressant, against my GPs advice, and immediately felt a bit more clear headed. I then phoned the nurses help-line at my clinic, explained the situation and was given an emergency appointment. This set the ball rolling for a pump referral. Within a week of being on the pump I had more energy. After three weeks the mental fog lifted and my brain started working properly again. My HbA1C started to drop and has now been on target for the last five years. I found a new job and had no more problems. I probably never had depression, just diabetes burn-out, which has similar symptoms, but made the mistake of talking to my GP instead of my Diabetes clinic.
I have since found out that staying on an antidepressant for too long can cause similar problems to those caused by clinical depression! My GP certainly wasn't aware of this.
My own experience makes me wonder whether your partner really is very ill and badly mentally affected by his diabetes, not just being very selfish and difficult. If so, then he is not in a fit state to help himself and really needs more expert care than he seems to be receiving. Perhaps his antidepressant medication also needs to be reviewed.
Lastly, are his doctor/diabetes nurse aware of his extreme lethargy and memory problems? He may have been unable to discuss it with them due to cognitive impairment.
I do hope that you find a way of obtaining more effective help for your partner soon, for your own sake as well as his.
I wish you the very best.
Crystal

Thank you Crystal, some very useful information which has helped explain a lot of what happened to me about 12 years ago. Rosiglitazone, citilapram and a 100lb increase in weight (didn't eat more of exercise less) gave me loads of grief. I started by kicking out the citilapram, against the doctors orders. Having to drop the rosiglitazone because of liver damage was the next important step because the weight started to shift. Not quite there yet, but cautious of anything the doctor wants me to swallow. All the best. Graham

 

[Molly56]

Thank you Crystal, some very useful information which has helped explain a lot of what happened to me about 12 years ago. Rosiglitazone, citilapram and a 100lb increase in weight (didn't eat more of exercise less) gave me loads of grief. I started by kicking out the citilapram, against the doctors orders. Having to drop the rosiglitazone because of liver damage was the next important step because the weight started to shift. Not quite there yet, but cautious of anything the doctor wants me to swallow. All the best. Graham

@graj0 @crystal …..some very interesting reading that has got me thinking….

I have thought for some time that the combination of medications that my partner is on are not necessarily helping his condition and in some cases may be working against each other. A while ago I spoke to our local pharmacist about a review of the medication which he is quite happy to do….all it involves is a short meeting for my partner to discuss his medical history and the pharmacist can then advise on any conflicts in medication….will definitely follow this up now as could be very useful.

As far as the antidepressants go …..if it were me I would stop them tomorrow (or today, why wait till tomorrow??) but would do it gradually to minimise any withdrawal symptoms. However I am reluctant to suggest this to my partner at the moment as he seems to be slightly better over the last week in terms of wanting to do something about his diabetes, looking at what he eats and drinks and testing…all issues that I have had problems with as documented in my posts. He also seems a bit more with it and motivated so am reluctant to do anything to upset this even though ditching the antidepressants would probably be better in the long term..

He is currently on 200mg of sertraline a day (recently increased from 150mg) and also on 30mg amitriptyline (prescribed for neuropathic pain but also an antidepressant)……have had a quick google search about these and diabetes and learnt a number of useful points…

• Some of the common side effects of sertraline look very familiar ….can tick at least five out of seven including sleepiness, tiredness and erectile dysfunction..
• Sertraline should be used with caution with people who are over 65 and diabetic…can affect blood sugar levels and require adjustment of diabetic medication….
• Sertraline plus amitriptyline comes up as a major cause for concern / contraindication….

…......Can feel a walk down the road to the pharmacist coming on to make that appointment for a review…

Hopefully the information in your post @crystal and the experiences of @graj0 will also help others....
…am hoping that it will help my partner but just need to approach it in the right way….just need to get the right advice (from the pharmacist) and then convince the GP that we want to ditch the antidepressants….wish me luck….

 

[graj0]

…am hoping that it will help my partner but just need to approach it in the right way….just need to get the right advice (from the pharmacist) and then convince the GP that we want to ditch the antidepressants….wish me luck….[/USER]

I frequently say that "I'm getting there" and the best we can do is keep chipping away, bit by bit. I reckon you're 100% correct about not changing things especially meds, overnight, just bit by bit and only if that's best.
In my situation I decided that I had a couple of aims that I was going for. I want to be the same weight as when I met my wife. (some way to go unfortunately), I want to sail the Atlantic (with others, and a lot easier than you think) and I want to get back on skis (first knee replacement November 25th, second as early as next March, if all goes well, and then . . . . who knows). I did want to get my PPL and have had some flying lessons, sadly my brain fog is so bad (statins?), I don't trust myself. Still, I'm getting there (see, I told you LOL). I do need my bucket list though, and when my cousin said I couldn't possibly ski after knee replacement, I wish I'd recorded myself, poor cousin. All the best. Graham[/user]

 

[Molly56]

I frequently say that "I'm getting there" and the best we can do is keep chipping away, bit by bit. I reckon you're 100% correct about not changing things especially meds, overnight, just bit by bit and only if that's best.
In my situation I decided that I had a couple of aims that I was going for. I want to be the same weight as when I met my wife. (some way to go unfortunately), I want to sail the Atlantic (with others, and a lot easier than you think) and I want to get back on skis (first knee replacement November 25th, second as early as next March, if all goes well, and then . . . . who knows). I did want to get my PPL and have had some flying lessons, sadly my brain fog is so bad (statins?), I don't trust myself. Still, I'm getting there (see, I told you LOL). I do need my bucket list though, and when my cousin said I couldn't possibly ski after knee replacement, I wish I'd recorded myself, poor cousin. All the best. Graham[/user]

@graj0 ..Good luck with the knee replacement in November...will say it now in case I forget....hope you manage to achieve your ambitions .....is good to know you are getting there....keep going....

 

[crystal]

@Molly56 My GP wasn't happy about stopping the sertraline, but advised me how to gradually reduce the dose. I felt a bit strange for the first week, but soon got over it. I feel that these drugs are a very useful short term treatment for many people, but cause problems of their own in the long term. They definitely mess with your brain! I am convinced that it hampered my ability to work out what action I needed to take to deal with the diabetes.

 

[crystal]

@graj0 I love your bucket list! I'm also on a statin these days, and have had severe muscular pain/weakness, and brain fog. Co-enzyme Q10 has almost banished the problems, but not available on prescription and expensive. Cheaper on the internet. My diabetes consultant is happy for me to take them.

 

[graj0]

Hi Crystal,
glad the CoQ10 is helping, I know certain countries prescribe it automatically. Not in the UK though, as you say, in fact my dear old GP couldn't even recommend how much to take. I was taking a big dose but to no avail, possibly because, as I have discovered recently, there's CoQ10 and then there's CoQ10 (Ubiquinol). My cholesterol dropped dramatically after cutting carbs so I don't take statins anymore. However, I may start taking the Ubiquinol because I show signs (in my blood) of high levels of lactic acid and there's obviously a problem with my metabolism in that I'm running on empty, calorie intake considerably lower than Basic Metabolic Rate. Sorry, gone completely off topic, obviously feeling chatty. LOL

 

[Molly56]

I frequently say that "I'm getting there" and the best we can do is keep chipping away, bit by bit. I reckon you're 100% correct about not changing things especially meds, overnight, just bit by bit and only if that's best.[/user]

@Molly56 My GP wasn't happy about stopping the sertraline, but advised me how to gradually reduce the dose. I felt a bit strange for the first week, but soon got over it. I feel that these drugs are a very useful short term treatment for many people, but cause problems of their own in the long term. They definitely mess with your brain! I am convinced that it hampered my ability to work out what action I needed to take to deal with the diabetes.

@graj0 @crystal ...thank you both for your replies yesterday...they were all very useful..
This will certainly be something I will look into as I don't think the antidepressants are really helping.....first stop is the pharmacist to get the medicines review done - before we go I will make a comprehensive note of medications and symptoms...and a list of any questions I have from what I have found to date.....always best to be prepared

Next step will be the GP but I sense there will be some reluctance to reduce or stop them unless I can come up with some concrete reason as to why my partner will be better off without them.

Failing this it will be forming our own opinion and understanding the consequences (good and bad) of coming off this medication....both short term in terms of potential withdrawal symptoms but also long term in terms of reducing the side effects which he is currently experiencing and which are affecting his quality of life at the moment.

Hopefully the discussion with the pharmacist will be the key....

 

[Mud Island Dweller]

If coming of anti depressives it is and isnt easy it depends on the person on them. l took 2 yrs to wean mum off when she wanted to come off slowly it can be done a lot lot faster same routine just for her slowed down to a slow crawl so don't let the time put you off as with everything each person is different

I contacted FRANK this link may help they cover all drugs legal and legal
http://www.bcnc.org.uk/howtowithdraw.htm

If you want more info message me l won't post it on open forum. Should warn that it may have changed but the withdraw info cost £12 sadly l don't have it now or would have sent it on. Most of it was very similar routine but should to be followed pretty straightforward but sensible. Whatever happens do not just stop them as our pratt of a dr said to do. He was shocked when l read him the riot act stormed out and went back after contacting FRANK and slammed the info down in front of him a couple of weeks later.