Living with a partner with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes

[Molly56]

So far so good ( I think).......hotel is lovely, weather very humid....the only problem is that my body clock says that iit is time to get up for breakfast and it is only 3.25am!........will have to adjust to 5 hour time difference..
..bodies are strange things but do adapt to changes in circumstances given time... I guess this is true for many out there on this forum....

Edited....finally breakfast time has arrived........
...I did notice that there was a separate section of desserts last night marked "sugar free desserts" so seems that they do cater for those who need this type of food....I did also notice that he opted to have cheese and biscuits and some fruit so perhaps a better choice than other times....I am assuming that cheese is a good option - they had a whole variety to choose from...
....looking forward to some relaxation in the sun....

For some reason was feeling very stressed yesterday afternoon....must be lack of sleep...change of climate...change of routine...stress of packing /journey /getting here...etc.... Will hopefully feel a bit more relaxed today...

@donnellysdogs ...have already noticed change of character as previously mentioned...perhaps that also adds to stress levels........
....food choices in terms of sugary things have been good...he has opted for cheese for dessert rather than temptation of sugar laden cakes/desserts....have noticed high carb intake in terms of bread / pasta / other carbs though but will point this out a bit later if and when the opportunity arises.....don't want to look like I am nagging...
....have not tested but have the facilities to do so if the need arises...may suggest it a bit later in the week to 'see how things are going'....also think heat may be having an effect on him as he did say he feels a bit odd....probably elevated sugar levels...

@graj0 ...just to say that it all looks the same as on Google Earth...is almost like I have been here before...am going to go to Butterfly Farm either today or tomorrow ..

Am hoping I will feel a bit better today....seemed to sleep a little better last night / feel a bit more acclimatised ....holidays can be stressful experiences too even though they are supposed to be a time of relaxation....

 

[donnellysdogs]

For some reason was feeling very stressed yesterday afternoon....must be lack of sleep...change of climate...change of routine...stress of packing /journey /getting here...etc.... Will hopefully feel a bit more relaxed today...

@donnellysdogs ...have already noticed change of character as previously mentioned...perhaps that also adds to stress levels........
....food choices in terms of sugary things have been good...he has opted for cheese for dessert rather than temptation of sugar laden cakes/desserts....have noticed high carb intake in terms of bread / pasta / other carbs though but will point this out a bit later if and when the opportunity arises.....don't want to look like I am nagging...
....have not tested but have the facilities to do so if the need arises...may suggest it a bit later in the week to 'see how things are going'....also think heat may be having an effect on him as he did say he feels a bit odd....probably elevated sugar levels...

@graj0 ...just to say that it all looks the same as on Google Earth...is almost like I have been here before...am going to go to Butterfly Farm either today or tomorrow ..

Am hoping I will feel a bit better today....seemed to sleep a little better last night / feel a bit more acclimatised ....holidays can be stressful experiences too even though they are supposed to be a time of relaxation....

Good to hear from you @Molly56!

Hope that you are now aclimatising and going to enjoy butterfly farm.
Am concerned a tad that if OH stops testing whilst on hol that it will be harder on you (priority here!) and him to get back to doing it when back from your hols.
Ideally if OH eating the higher carb pastas etc then do a test 2hr after he ate that..(after lunch, pre aft catnap- if this still happens).
I think rather than asking him to do test... Just whip the tester out..asking allows a direct refusal before you even get the tester out..
If he has a knee jerk reaction 'Not doing that reaction to seeing it' -just say "your inner body not know its on hol and is actually having to work overtime-lets see how much" then leave the tester in sight, on cabinet or something.
Just concerned that giving a break of testing is going to make things harder for you.

As a T1, I would love a break from testing... So I know how he feels but unlike others he isn't exactly a prolific tester... So I personally wouldnt allow him to slack off!

Hope that you can relax yourself, take that photo of a butterfly pitched on your nose.. And enjoy..x

 

[Molly56]

Guess it must just be a touch of the holiday blues....that and the realisation that all the good progress made over the last month or so is all going a bit pear shaped whilst we are away....guess that is inevitable as out of usual circumstances and so many temptations in the way.....
Perhaps I just need to accept that this is how it will be for the next week or so ...and try and get things back on track when we return...

 

[pavlosn]

Hi Molly

I think you should explain to your other half that, while you do want him to enjoy his holiday, all the worry about his diabetes is getting in the way of you enjoying yours.

The only reason I can think of for not wanting to test is so that he does not have to face the consequences immediately of any wrong food choices.

The temptation is always for us to give ourselves breaks from healthy habits while on holiday. Part of it is psychological, a this is the time to have fun attitude, and part of it is just being faced with an abundance of the wrong type of food.

I am sure that there is also plenty of the right kind of food on offer as well. I am sure that there are plenty of salads and meat/fish dishes on offer. If there is a buffet at your hotel why don't you offer to get his food for him., then you can make healthier selections. I am sure that the holiday must give an opportunity to try new foods that are low carb and taste great.

I would also try to involve him in a bit of side seeing. Just say that you really want to see this or that site but that it would only be worth it if you could see it together/ you do not want to leave him alone in the hotel. Just getting to and from this sites and walking around them will mean increased activity.

Or suggest that it would be lovely if you could go for a walk together on the beach/in town/ in forest etc( I am not sure what applies).

I am not suggesting that you nag him but I am suggesting that you do let him know what it is that you want from this holiday.

If you can play on his male ego at the same time in order to get him to decide this is what he always wanted in the first place.....

Pavlos

 

[Mike d]

Hi Molly

I think you should explain to your other half that, while you do want him to enjoy his holiday, all the worry about his diabetes is getting in the way of you enjoying the holiday.

The only reason I can think of for not wanting to test is so that he does not have to face the consequences immediately of wrong food choices.

The temptation is always for us to give ourselves breaks from healthy habits while on holiday. Part of it is psychological, a this is the time to have fun attitude, and part of it is just being faced with an abundance of the wrong type of food.

I am sure that there is also plenty of the right kind of food on offer as well. I am sure that there are plenty of salads and meat/fish dishes on offer. If there is a buffet at your hotel why don't you offer to get his food for him., then you can make healthier selections. I am sure that the holiday must give an opportunity to try new foods that are low carb and taste great.

I would also try to involve him in a bit if side seeing. Just say that you really want to see this or that site but that it would only be worth it if you could see it together/ you do not want to leave him alone in the hotel. Just getting to and from this sites and walking around them will mean increased activity.

Or suggest that it would be lovely if you could go for a walk together on the beach/in town/ in forest etc( I am not sure what applies).

I am not suggesting that you nag him but I am suggesting that you do let him know what it is that you want from this holiday.

If you can play on his male ego at the same time in order to get him to decide this is what he always wanted on the first place.....

Pavlos

You're a good man Pavlos The very best of intentions, sound advice and stated with great effect. Take a bow my friend. I love your posts and wish you well mate

Mike from WAY downunder ... but not for much longer

 

[pavlosn]

Hi Molly

It's me again. I've been on my morning walk and that gave me a bit more chance to think, amongst other things, about your situation.

If your other half is anything like me then he would be more likely to make the right choices if he feels good about himself rather than the other way round.

So rather than complaining to him or nagging him about his bad habits, which will probably be counterproductive, concentrate on praising and rewarding good habits.

In the meantime be a little bit sneaky in pushing him towards better choices,

Instead of having salad as a side dish, where it can be easily ignored, suggest that you have one, preferably share a large one, as a starter. By the time you finish that he will be too full to have too much of the main course for any wrong choices to matter.

If he goes for the wrong kind of sweet, ask for an extra spoon, say you would like some of yourself but that could not manage a whole on your own, and tuck in.

Try to make your making healthier choices on his behalf not transparent but part of your pampering him.

It's ironic but even when I can see myself being manipulated like that by my own wife at times, I still fall for it as I guess I am still flattered that she cares enough to make the effort.

Take care and enjoy the holiday!

 

[Molly56]

Hi Molly

I think you should explain to your other half that, while you do want him to enjoy his holiday, all the worry about his diabetes is getting in the way of you enjoying yours.

The only reason I can think of for not wanting to test is so that he does not have to face the consequences immediately of any wrong food choices.

The temptation is always for us to give ourselves breaks from healthy habits while on holiday. Part of it is psychological, a this is the time to have fun attitude, and part of it is just being faced with an abundance of the wrong type of food.

I am sure that there is also plenty of the right kind of food on offer as well. I am sure that there are plenty of salads and meat/fish dishes on offer. If there is a buffet at your hotel why don't you offer to get his food for him., then you can make healthier selections. I am sure that the holiday must give an opportunity to try new foods that are low carb and taste great.

I would also try to involve him in a bit of side seeing. Just say that you really want to see this or that site but that it would only be worth it if you could see it together/ you do not want to leave him alone in the hotel. Just getting to and from this sites and walking around them will mean increased activity.

Or suggest that it would be lovely if you could go for a walk together on the beach/in town/ in forest etc( I am not sure what applies).

I am not suggesting that you nag him but I am suggesting that you do let him know what it is that you want from this holiday.

If you can play on his male ego at the same time in order to get him to decide this is what he always wanted in the first place.....

Pavlos

@pavlosn .....thanks for some great suggestions....as you say there is plenty of food on offer, it is just the case of making the right choices...unfortunately it is far too easy for him to just pile all sorts on the plate, many times in strange combinations that I would never dream of putting together.......also I am sad to say that he is very stuck in his ways and any suggestions that I make are not really taken on board...have sadly found it is easier just to let him get on with it....

As far as going for a walk is concerned this is difficult due to hip and knee pain as mentioned in another thread....would love to get him more active as that is what he needs but sadly it is not going to happen....

Sorry to sound so negative but that is just the way it is and the way I feel about it......am not going to let it spoil my holiday though....

Thanks again for the excellent suggestions that you made...am sure they would work great for some...

 

[pavlosn]

Hi Molly

At the end of the day we are all adults and are all responsible for the choices we make.

It must be very difficult to see someone you care about make what you know are wrong choices but you can not make their choices for them. He must want to change himself before he can make the change. You can not do that for him.

Still feel that talking things through so that you are both clear on how the other one feels about the issue is the best way forward.

If you do decide to go down that route, I still feel that you need to make it in a non accusatory way, stressing the positives and how important he is to you.

For him to want to make a change he needs to find in him something or someone that is worth making the change for.

All the best

Pavlos

 

[Molly56]

Hi Molly

At the end of the day we are all adults and are all responsible for the choices we make.

It must be very difficult to see someone you care about make what you know are wrong choices but you can not make their choices for them. He must want to change himself before he can make the change. You can not do that for him.

Still feel that talking things through so that you are both clear on how the other one feels about the issue is the best way forward.

If you do decide to go down that route, I still feel that you need to make it in a non accusatory way, stressing the positives and how important he is to you.

For him to want to make a change he needs to find in him something or someone that is worth making the change for.

All the best

Pavlos

@pavlosn ......thank you for your kind words of advice...
As you say he needs to want to change....sometimes I do see a small glimmer that this is the case so something I will need to encourage and to build on....whether this is the right week or not to have those types of discussion I all have to see.
Hopefully one day he will find the incentive he needs in which to make that change. .....

 

[pavlosn]

Molly you're only there for a week so make the most of it.

The diabetes will have to wait for when you come back.

Enjoy!

Pavlos

 

[Scimama]

Have you been to the butterfly farm yet? Its your holiday too, take time for yourself and enjoy it .


Looking forward to that selfie with the butterflies

 

[Molly56]

Good to hear from you @Molly56!

Hope that you are now aclimatising and going to enjoy butterfly farm.
Am concerned a tad that if OH stops testing whilst on hol that it will be harder on you (priority here!) and him to get back to doing it when back from your hols.
Ideally if OH eating the higher carb pastas etc then do a test 2hr after he ate that..(after lunch, pre aft catnap- if this still happens).
I think rather than asking him to do test... Just whip the tester out..asking allows a direct refusal before you even get the tester out..
If he has a knee jerk reaction 'Not doing that reaction to seeing it' -just say "your inner body not know its on hol and is actually having to work overtime-lets see how much" then leave the tester in sight, on cabinet or something.
Just concerned that giving a break of testing is going to make things harder for you.

As a T1, I would love a break from testing... So I know how he feels but unlike others he isn't exactly a prolific tester... So I personally wouldnt allow him to slack off!

Hope that you can relax yourself, take that photo of a butterfly pitched on your nose.. And enjoy..x

Have you been to the butterfly farm yet? Its your holiday too, take time for yourself and enjoy it .Looking forward to that selfie with the butterflies

@donnellysdogs ....finally got him to test today as he wasn't feeling too good....fuzzy head etc....reading was 19.8 taken four hours after lunch...no wonder he wasn't feeling great.......probably due to carb overload....out of my control so not worrying myself about it...

Have been to butterfly farm ...got some good pictures but not a selfie!....if I could work out how to upload I would but may have to wait till I get home..... @Scimama ...thanks for the message......am enjoying holiday in my way, had a good walk along the beach this morning while he was still in bed...

 

[jaj24680]

I too was out of control, I had no symptoms to tell me something was wrong so I carried on as normal, I was overweight and kept taking the tablets with increased dosage. It wasn't until I read a post on this forum from someone who said something along the lines "I don't want to reach an old age with all the complications JUST BECAUSE I COULDN'T KEEP MY FACE OUT OF A STICKY BUN" My diabetic nurse also looked me in the eye and stated the odds in black and white. This was a jolt and made me sit up and realise that it was only me who could do something about it. It was like a light bulb going on. I cut out sugar and got back on my bike and now do 10 - 15 miles about 5 times a week, I started slowly but now I do it against the clock too just to test myself and build stamina. I've lost 2.5 stones and feel refreshed, now I'm in my 60's I feel I've pushed back the risks.

Is there something or someone your partner is inspired by you can latch on to? Is there anything that you need help with that he could get involved in? Who does he listen to / respect - friends, family? What captures his imagination and absorbs him, old hobbies? Is there anything that gives him a sense of achievement? Can you build some activities around them, something to get him on his feet and take it from there.

I'm not sure I'm adding anything to other threads but there is proof that things can change.

In the end he has to take responsibility and understand how serious this is, you can help but you can't do it for him, it's tough. You are doing a wonderful job and he is very luck to have you, I wish you all the best

 

[Molly56]

@donnellysdogs ....finally got him to test today as he wasn't feeling too good....fuzzy head etc....reading was 19.8 taken four hours after lunch...no wonder he wasn't feeling great.......probably due to carb overload....out of my control so not worrying myself about it...

Have been to butterfly farm ...got some good pictures but not a selfie!....if I could work out how to upload I would but may have to wait till I get home..... @Scimama ...thanks for the message......am enjoying holiday in my way, had a good walk along the beach this morning while he was still in bed...

@donnellysdogs @Scimama ....
To answer another question that was asked on another thread....yes, high blood sugar levels can make you agitated....have noticed he is very irritable at the moment....probably due to high sugar levels - tested yesterday afternoon about 4 hours after lunch and reading was 19.8......also noticed he was up and down to the toilet a lot last night...

Talking over lunch today I think he has some serious misunderstandings about diabetes and how it works....he is assuming that because he goes to the toilet a lot this means that his kidneys are working well and flushing the sugar out his system.....not sure that this is how it works exactly and if any of his assumptions are true but from what I have learnt I have my serious doubts......I wasn't really in the mood for a long discussion so left it for now....

As he was irritable and in a bad mood / snapped at me over choice of lunch table I have left him to it this afternoon to do my own thing....escaped to the butterfly farm for a return visit and got some great pictures of some butterflies......now, relaxing by the pool....

 

[donnellysdogs]

@donnellysdogs @Scimama ....
To answer another question that was asked on another thread....yes, high blood sugar levels can make you agitated....have noticed he is very irritable at the moment....probably due to high sugar levels - tested yesterday afternoon about 4 hours after lunch and reading was 19.8......also noticed he was up and down to the toilet a lot last night...

Talking over lunch today I think he has some serious misunderstandings about diabetes and how it works....he is assuming that because he goes to the toilet a lot this means that his kidneys are working well and flushing the sugar out his system.....not sure that this is how it works exactly and if any of his assumptions are true but from what I have learnt I have my serious doubts......I wasn't really in the mood for a long discussion so left it for now....

As he was irritable and in a bad mood / snapped at me over choice of lunch table I have left him to it this afternoon to do my own thing....escaped to the butterfly farm for a return visit and got some great pictures of some butterflies......now, relaxing by the pool....

Hi @Molly56

Glad you had some time to yourself after your talk.

OH is wrong. I don't know the science behind it but excessive weeing is not a good sign for kidneys. It is a sign that your body us not coping with the intake of foods.
He may well have excessive, unquenchable thirst and a very dry mouth. These are normally signs to a normal person that they have diabetes and need to go to a GP.

Levels of 19 are going to exclude from an operation. I think he needs to realise this. Also that after a leg/hip op he is going to have to het more active as he will have to do exercises and physiotherapy. Currently he does not stand a hope in hell of an op. I have just had this confirmed by surgeon I work for. Although he can't ever recall operating on a diabetic with an hba1c of less than 9.0, he would not operate on Patients with a bg above 12, and he would himself be anxious about that level for ops that you described.

I'm glad you have had a talk, but I seriously feel that you are just in a banghead situation with OH.

I try in my private life to help others and support them through some tough times. I think they know I'm a direct talker and open with my love, best interests and support for them. I would have reached the end of my tether with your OH to be honest. I admire you, but honestly I just wonder what you get out of this? He is impacting your mindset on your holiday through his ignorance and stupidity and my greatest fear is that he is just going to continue now when you both return from your holidays.

I do however hope you can upload some photos of the butterflies when you return. The beach walk sounds relaxing too.

I worry about you @Molly56. Your wellbeing is vital, as basically you are his Carer and Carers wellbeing is so very important.

 

[Molly56]

Perhaps holidays are times when you get to know just a little bit more about someone....the good news is that he has spoken a little about his diabetes.....the bad news is that I am suddenly beginning to realise just how little he knows about it and how ill informed he is...

For a start he has no idea about the tablets he is taking, what they are for, the side effects etc....in fact he says that he is going to tell the doctor that he is fed up with taking them / doesn't want to take them / doesn't want any more....

He thinks that the fact that he is going to the toilet a lot is a good thing....yesterday he told me this is "a sign that his kidneys are working well and flushing the sugar out of his system"......just couldn't think what to say to this comment when he said it...
.....I knew it was wrong but didn't have the facts to hand to correct it.......to be honest I was shocked that he could honestly believe this and was lost for words..

Blood sugar readings taken four hours after lunch / before evening meal have been 19.8 and 14.1 on the two occasions I have managed to get him to test........what they peaked at I have no idea but based on what he was eating I would say very / extremely high.....

He thinks he is being good by avoiding the tempting desserts or 'sugary things' as he calls them.....and then loads up his main plate with pizza /pasta / lasagne.....is obviously on carb overload......clearly he has no idea about carbs or portion control!...

..some people may be wondering at this point why I haven't pulled him up on this while we are away but I am just trying my best to not get too stressed and enjoy my holiday the best I can.......and this has meant having to turn a blind eye at times to what is going on...is my only way of dealing with it for my own sanity...

Apologies if I am having a moan but am just having to offload this here so that I can relax and enjoy the rest of my day....

Clearly I have some major work to do to try and get things on track when I get home...or perhaps I should just give up now.........no doubt I will opt for the former as I do care really, even though sometimes it may not look that way...

@graj0 ......am still waiting for that bolt of lightening......

 

[donnellysdogs]

@Molly56

It always look like you care.... Consistently and constantly.

Your OH is wildly off the mark for weeing more....see below... The fact he is a diagnosed diabetic and on meds and not getting his levels under control is weeing more is not good.. Here below is some details... Read up on diabetic nephropathy.

You are unlikely to have symptoms with early diabetic kidney disease - for example, if you just have microalbuminuria (defined above). Symptoms tend to develop when the kidney disease progresses. The symptoms at first tend to be vague and nonspecific, such as feeling tired, having less energy than usual, and just not feeling well. With more severe kidney disease, symptoms that may develop include:

Difficulty thinking clearly
A poor appetite
Weight loss
Dry, itchy skin
Muscle cramps
Fluid retention which causes swollen feet and ankles
Puffiness around the eyes
Needing to pass urine more often than usual
Being pale due to anaemia
Feeling sick
As the kidney function declines then various other problems may develop. For example, anaemia and an imbalance of calcium, phosphate and other chemicals in the bloodstream. These can cause various symptoms, such as tiredness due to anaemia, and bone thinning or fractures due to calcium and phosphate imbalance. End-stage renal failure is eventually fatal unless treated.

 

[donnellysdogs]

@Molly56
You have to do what is right for you.. We may well think you should pull him up whilst you on hol.. But we are not in your shoes. We can only support you as the partner.

I cannot fathom your OH thinking, on kidneys and weeing etc. I think he has to be in complete denial.

He obviously has no understanding what a carb is and although he thinks cutting the cakes/sweets whatever, is good.. He has no real clue.

I think you are going to forever be in this situation. Nothing is going to change from your OH and this is just going to go on and on with you banging your head against the wall.

 

[Enclave]

I know it's been said many times before, but why don't you sit him down to read the forums here. Your shielding him from all this is not really being helpful .. But do enjoy your holls first ... looking forward to seeing the butterfly's

 

[Molly56]

@donnellysdogs ...just to say thank you for your recent replies...as usual very helpful and informative...was already aware of most of what you suggested and was thinking along the same lines...
....am just feeling rather disappointed at the moment that he hasn't taken any notice of what I have said and seems so clueless / doesn't seem to care....
Am planning a return visit to the butterflies before we come home