Living with a partner with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes

[Scouser58]

@Scouser58 ...thanks for the message...and just to answer your questions...

If I am still with him when that time comes I have already decided that I will pass all responsibilities over to his children to decide what they want to do...they are all adults so can decide how they want to deal with it...I think by that time I will have done everything that I need to...probably not the plan that you were proposing in terms of tough love but that is how I have decided to deal with it for now...

Regarding concentrating on my sewing project / new business venture that is not a problem at all....am getting totally immersed in the sewing which temporarily blocks out all other worries / concerns ...have decided what I want to make and am in the process of designing and creating a number of different versions / prototypes to gauge opinion from friends and family...next step will be to perfect it....getting better with each one that I have made...am giving a few away to start off with (marketing ploy!) in the hope that this will generate some interest and hopefully some orders.
...am hoping that my youngest son (started at Uni a few weeks ago) will help me set up a webpage (he suggested a specific Facebook page would be the easiest for now) when I see him in a couple of weeks - am taking photos so that I have a record of what I have made....so basically it is all in hand other than I still have to decide what I want to call it (that's the tricky one!!!) ...perhaps will have to include "Designed and hand made by Molly" or words to that effect.........essentially each item will be unique so another good selling point....
..Anyway, the key thing is that I am so busy with ideas etc that I am really starting to forget some of the other things that are going on....is definitely some time for 'Molly time'...

At the end of the day the problem is still there but I am not allowing myself to get too stressed over it.....there are far more important things to do in my life....

Regarding the bloke in the red suit I have already put in my request....I want a bike for Christmas....and it looks like I may well be going to get one / he said he would get me one......I think he thinks I am mad to want a bike but I do quite fancy having the opportunity to go out for a bike ride and who knows it may just be a perfect way of escaping whilst getting some much needed exercise for myself.......I did make the brief suggestion that he could get one too but he wasn't keen (didn't expect he would be) so it will be a bicycle ride for one!

So just to put people's minds at rest...I am very much looking out for myself now....it seems that is the way it has got to be...it doesn't mean that i don't care anymore, I do, but there is certainly more to life than just lying in bed!

Hi Molly, your reply sounds positive, and I hope things go along well. You said that you pass everything over to his kids, but will they take up the task? Have you passed this detail onto them?, most likely they will just sit back and leave it to you.
I cannot ride a bike, so I would end up with a 3 wheeler with trailer on the back!? and a yellow hi-vis jacket, ?that thought has given me a headache!.
Have just looked at your photo's, your bags look really smart, well done to you.
Keep in-touch always here for you, ttfn Karen

 

[Molly56]

Sometimes words just fail me......today he went to get a blood test done (HbA1c) for next review with diabetic nurse and I just happened to comment that we will have to wait and see what it shows.......the comment I got back was "well at least they weren't checking my sugar levels"........
.......how clueless can one person be............

 

[Bluetit1802]

OMG

 

[donnellysdogs]

Double that OMG!

I take it that he managed to get up early for his test? How long do you have to wait to collect results? Did they check cholesterol too?
How did you respond @Molly56? Did you just smile?

 

[Molly56]

Double that OMG!

I take it that he managed to get up early for his test? How long do you have to wait to collect results? Did they check cholesterol too?
How did you respond @Molly56? Did you just smile?

@donnellysdogs ...was not done as a fasting test, though he wouldn't have eaten before anyway.....he needs to make appointment with nurse for next week so will get results then and review of medication if needed (!)....was only HbA1c that was requested this time

What could I say?????.....basically I was speechless......I probably did smile inwardly...........and said nothing....

 

[this is too difficult two]

Is he a sentient being?

 

[angelicbaby]

Ahh well, they say ignorance is bliss. Although I personally like facing life head on..... Take care Molly, offload all your frustrations here but please, please force him to take the reigns of his own life and problems now.

Practice looking surprised when (if) he tells you they're upping his medication. lol (sorry for laughing - it's not really funny)

 

[Molly56]

Hi Molly. I've read your posts for months but have not got involved with the thread as I did not feel I had anything to add. It truly upsets me to think of you living this life. I know you are trying to create a sideline to take your mind off things but I would urge you to go further. Take a short break and go somewhere for a couple of days without him. Clear your head and when you return try and ignore his diabetes. Let him monitor (or not) his own BG. When he goes to appointments, let him go alone - if you have to drive him wait in the car or let him ring you when he wants to be collected. Be more blase to him when he winges about his health. If he eventually sees the light let him know your knowledge has been gained by other diabetics who manage their condition successfully. I understand that this forum is your sanctuary but I'm sure there are others he can join. If he doesn't learn how to control his blood glucose, well unfortunately he'll just become another medical statistic.

There is a popular saying - "you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink". This applies to your situation. I'm so sorry to come across as harsh but you cannot control him and if he doesn't want to help himself you will have to accept it.

Ahh well, they say ignorance is bliss. Although I personally like facing life head on..... Take care Molly, offload all your frustrations here but please, please force him to take the reigns of his own life and problems now.

Practice looking surprised when (if) he tells you they're upping his medication. lol (sorry for laughing - it's not really funny)

@angelicbaby ...thanks for your messages...am coming to the conclusion that you and a lot of other people are right....if he doesn't want to be helped then nothing I can do is going to change that....I have certainly tried but to no avail.

Am definitely of a mind to take a back seat for a while and just let him get on with it....I may still choose to attend appointments with him just to hear first hand where he is at and what he needs to do but am not going to remind him that he should be testing and not going to suggest what he should and shouldn't eat......there is no point as he doesn't take any notice of me.... or anyone else come to think of it....so why waste my breath..

The crunch appointments will come when he sees the diabetic nurse....am guessing he may be heading towards insulin in the not too distant future.....and the hip/knee consultant in a couple of weeks time...am feeling he may be disappointed by the verdict....

Am ignoring any whinges about his health and if he wants to lay in bed all day I am just letting him get on with it.....at the end of the day this just means more time for me to get on with what I want to do.

Am practicing my surprised face as I type this / / ....no worries about laughing ..you need to sometimes...

 

[angelicbaby]

@angelicbaby ...thanks for your messages...am coming to the conclusion that you and a lot of other people are right....if he doesn't want to be helped then nothing I can do is going to change that....I have certainly tried but to no avail.

Am definitely of a mind to take a back seat for a while and just let him get on with it....I may still choose to attend appointments with him just to hear first hand where he is at and what he needs to do but am not going to remind him that he should be testing and not going to suggest what he should and shouldn't eat......there is no point as he doesn't take any notice of me.... or anyone else come to think of it....so why waste my breath..

The crunch appointments will come when he sees the diabetic nurse....am guessing he may be heading towards insulin in the not too distant future.....and the hip/knee consultant in a couple of weeks time...am feeling he may be disappointed by the verdict....

Am ignoring any whinges about his health and if he wants to lay in bed all day I am just letting him get on with it.....at the end of the day this just means more time for me to get on with what I want to do.

Am practicing my surprised face as I type this / / ....no worries about laughing ..you need to sometimes...

Unfortunately Diabetes is a silent killer. It is like AIDS in that it's not actually the high sugar that kills you - it's what it does to your nerve endings and organs. It's upsetting watching someone harm themselves but we can only encourage good practice - there is absolutely nothing anyone can do when that person will not hear what is being said. Unless his blood glucose is under control I think it is unlikely that his knee/hip can be operated on - maybe he will think that is a good thing! The "eek" face looks appropriate.

 

[Scouser58]

Hello Molly and everybody on here, yes Molly the treble OMG is on table. He has not realised what the HbA1c, or does not want to know. Well the options for further medications are many, and even those you have to inject a body with, may not be insulin, could be Victoza or such like, wonder what he will do with one of them??? (chuckle on the way, sorry!). Will you take tissues and smelling salts with you next week?? he will have to be a very brave boy!!! and what will the diabetes doctor at the hospital have to say?? as well, tut tut will you hold his hand?? sorry Molly could not help that mini session,

Molly how is the sewing coming along? and have you found any more nice days out to go on??
I understand reading all what we have written to you, must be hard, but we could see your stress and tension in your posts, De Nile is a very deep long river to swim in.

Well better have a early night, the bags under my eyes are terrible, will need pit props soon, he he he, so ttfn Karen

 

[graj0]

Hi Molly,

I had a strange notion going through my head this morning, as I noticed how long this thread is. That's a good thing, an ongoing line of communication with lots of hints and tips and support. What I noticed in one of your messages is that this man has children. Are they aware of their father's attitude to his own health. I see similar behaviour in my own father, not quite the same, but my siblings and I also put up with a fair amount of "poor me". "I'm not a well man" etc etc. They must feel about their father the same way as my siblings and I feel about our father, do they help you in your attempts to make your partner look after himself.

 

[Molly56]

Hi Molly,

I had a strange notion going through my head this morning, as I noticed how long this thread is. That's a good thing, an ongoing line of communication with lots of hints and tips and support. What I noticed in one of your messages is that this man has children. Are they aware of their father's attitude to his own health. I see similar behaviour in my own father, not quite the same, but my siblings and I also put up with a fair amount of "poor me". "I'm not a well man" etc etc. They must feel about their father the same way as my siblings and I feel about our father, do they help you in your attempts to make your partner look after himself.

@graj0 ....the simple answer to your question is no.....because they have no idea about the state of their father's health.......the bottom line is that they effectively have no contact with him - the last time he saw / spoke to his daughters was at a family funeral at the end of February and he has limited contact (via phone and occasional visits) with his son who lives the other end of the country.....other than sending birthday and Christmas cards he has no other contact with them during the year..

So the issue is that the only person that knows what the situation is and what is going on is me.......and of course you lot....

I guess the question you may be asking and the one I frequently ask myself is should I tell his children that he is not well.....I feel that is a tricky one...

As i am not the mother of his children and effectively a relatively new partner in the scheme of things do I have a right or responsibility to let them know if their father is ill.....if it came to a major life threatening event such as a heart attack or stroke I would of course contact them.....but as the situation stands now should I let them know what the situation is or does that breach some confidentiality.....

As regards my relationship with them I would like to believe that I have been accepted as their father's new partner.....he had another relationship between splitting up with their mum and me....but I don't want to be seen as the 'wicked stepmother'....i guess the situation could arise where they think I should have told them but how will I know that....

Is a tricky situation / dilemma...................I guess any advice about what other people would do may be helpful...

 

[Mud Island Dweller]

THere is the comment to be made will he bother taking the insulin when he is put on it l doubt it. Also wonder if he will take the correct amounts or experiment as he feels like. I doubt he will be taught to sort the amounts out just given a set amount 2x a day

 

[Mud Island Dweller]

And he will probaly assume that now he is on insulin he can eat what he wants cause the little needle will deal with anything..

 

[poshtotty]

Unfortunately Diabetes is a silent killer. It is like AIDS in that it's not actually the high sugar that kills you - it's what it does to your nerve endings and organs. It's upsetting watching someone harm themselves but we can only encourage good practice - there is absolutely nothing anyone can do when that person will not hear what is being said. Unless his blood glucose is under control I think it is unlikely that his knee/hip can be operated on - maybe he will think that is a good thing! The "eek" face looks appropriate.

I totally agree with @angelicbaby . During a long appointment with my GP yesterday, he impressed upon me that it isn't our daily bs readings which are important - its the hidden damage the raised sugar levels do over time. He mentioned the furred arteries, heart disease , strokes and heart attacks etc.

My own operation earlier this year was cancelled because my bs at the pre-op assessment were too high. For me it was a blessing in disguise as it got me an automatic referral to the hospital dietician who gave me my first glucose monitor and daily monitoring diary for the purpose of reducing my bs before surgery. He also advised reducing carbs. Since attempting to control my diabetes I have not only got a grip on my diabetes but on other health conditions too.

Diabetes IS a silent killer .

With regard to telling his children, if they are all adults as they appear to be, at this stage I think the onus is one them to maintain contact with you or their father from time to time and ask how he is. They must have noticed a deterioration in his health and appearance when they saw him in February?

 

[graj0]

Is a tricky situation / dilemma..............:(.....I guess any advice about what other people would do may be helpful...:)

Tricky and I don't think I'm qualified to advise although I might have ideas. I think being a Gemini I always end up seeing two sides and then unable to take any side.
If you say nothing you're in the wrong and if you say something, you're going behind somebody's back, very tricky.
I know you mentioned a while ago that you had told the doctor that you were concerned, maybe if he went on his own, there could be some riot act reading. At the end of the day, it's as much in his doctor's interests that he has a healthy patient as it is for all concerned. Slight problem if doctor just likes dishing out pills for everything. They obviously have their place but sometimes get used to much.
What you really need is a reason for a conversation with one of the children and then a reason to bring up the subject of diabetes. In some ways they should be told because it may be worth knowing should they themselves or even their children develop the symptoms. I'd rather not get into a great genetic debate, I'm only suggesting that there may be a hereditary element to diabetes. Get the doctor to tell him to tell his children, just thinking aloud.
Keep looking after yourself.
Graham[/user]

 

[Enclave]

@graj0 ....the simple answer to your question is no.....because they have no idea about the state of their father's health.......the bottom line is that they effectively have no contact with him - the last time he saw / spoke to his daughters was at a family funeral at the end of February and he has limited contact (via phone and occasional visits) with his son who lives the other end of the country.....other than sending birthday and Christmas cards he has no other contact with them during the year..

So the issue is that the only person that knows what the situation is and what is going on is me.......and of course you lot....

I guess the question you may be asking and the one I frequently ask myself is should I tell his children that he is not well.....I feel that is a tricky one...

As i am not the mother of his children and effectively a relatively new partner in the scheme of things do I have a right or responsibility to let them know if their father is ill.....if it came to a major life threatening event such as a heart attack or stroke I would of course contact them.....but as the situation stands now should I let them know what the situation is or does that breach some confidentiality.....

As regards my relationship with them I would like to believe that I have been accepted as their father's new partner.....he had another relationship between splitting up with their mum and me....but I don't want to be seen as the 'wicked stepmother'....i guess the situation could arise where they think I should have told them but how will I know that....

Is a tricky situation / dilemma...................I guess any advice about what other people would do may be helpful...

As he's had this condition for so long, I expect his last partner has told them, or he has told them himself. When I first had my heart problems, I had not long left my family home and the OH got the children. When I told them of my condition (inherited) heart wise they were very nasty, wishing my speedy death. 25 years later I am still here and only have limited contact with one of my children. If your OH had anything like the reaction I got from my kids then I can understand completely why he has given up. I was lucky that my now wife talked some real hard sence to me and I was able to put the past behind me, start again and move on. Without this I would still be hurting from my kids reaction. But now it's had a line drawn over it. The past has gone and I DO have a future .. I think your OH really needs you to be strong and point out that he still has time to turn this around, you are there for him, but he has to trust you and want to move his life forward, and start enjoying it.

 

[Enclave]

Molly, ... What's your OH's birth sign ?

 

[graj0]

During a long appointment with my GP yesterday, he impressed upon me that it isn't our daily bs readings which are important - its the hidden damage the raised sugar levels do over time. He mentioned the furred arteries, heart disease , strokes and heart attacks etc.

My own operation earlier this year was cancelled because my bs at the pre-op assessment were too high. For me it was a blessing in disguise as it got me an automatic referral to the hospital dietician who gave me my first glucose monitor and daily monitoring diary for the purpose of reducing my bs before surgery. He also advised reducing carbs. Since attempting to control my diabetes I have not only got a grip on my diabetes but on other health conditions too.

To say that daily BG readings are not important and then remind you of all the hidden dangers of raised BG levels is strange. How are you meant to tell if you have elevated BG readings, wait six months for an HbA1c and then find it's been high for the last 3 months (HbA1c will only measure what's been happening in last 12 weeks or so)?
Then the dietician gives you a BG meter to take daily readings and recommends cutting carbs, hang on to that one, he sounds like he's been doing his research and is better informed than your doctor.

 

[pavlosn]

To say that daily BG readings are not important and then remind you of all the hidden dangers of raised BG levels is strange. How are you meant to tell if you have elevated BG readings, wait six months for an HbA1c and then find it's been high for the last 3 months (HbA1c will only measure what's been happening in last 12 weeks or so)?
Then the dietician gives you a BG meter to take daily readings and recommends cutting carbs, hang on to that one, he sounds like he's been doing his research and is better informed than your doctor.

I would interpret the doctor's statement as saying that testing only once a day, usually on waking up, is not sufficient. That the real damage is done by the peaks that follow carb intake with meals and that these can only be recognized by testing before and after each meal and only controlled by restricting the amount of carbs in our diet.

Pavlos