Living with a partner with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes

[Molly56]

Feeling stressed today.........can't sit still and relax......busy cleaning all morning and now looking for something else to do...have now resorted to sorting out my wardrobe just to keep occupied

Think it is just my way for compensating for someone else's inactivity.....I can see the signs and know that I am doing it.....but don't know how to stop it.

 

[Enclave]

The wife will do the same, just enjoy your spring clean .. It helps you cope with the stress ...

 

[catherinecherub]

Feeling stressed today.........can't sit still and relax......busy cleaning all morning and now looking for something else to do...have now resorted to sorting out my wardrobe just to keep occupied

Think it is just my way for compensating for someone else's inactivity.....I can see the signs and know that I am doing it.....but don't know how to stop it.

You are doing something that you have control over unlike the stressors in your life.

Go for a walk, window shop anything that involves seeing the rest of the world rather than being confined.

 

[Bluetit1802]

The wife will do the same, just enjoy your spring clean .. It helps you cope with the stress ...

It doesn't help mine! Lol.

 

[ladybird64]

You are doing something that you have control over unlike the stressors in your life.

Go for a walk, window shop anything that involves seeing the rest of the world rather than being confined.

I think Catherine has hit the nail on the head here. The person who is suffering is you and the resentment will build up inside and make you feel ill with stress. I don't think you have to disengage from your love but you do need to disengage from his behaviour. If he wants to sleep, he can but then you make sure he knows you will be going out on your own. The hardest part is dealing with the frustration of waiting for the fallout..so don't. You can live under the same roof, you can love each other dearly, but you can choose to live parts of your life on your own because he isn't participating. If he wants to be part of it, he needs to get up and do something.

As an aside, I saw something about a foot ulcer and a upcoming holiday. A different scenario, but my type 2 daughter (very obese) suddenly developed a small ulcer on her tummy, a week before we were due to go on holiday in the UK.
My doctor insisted on daughter attending immediately for treatment and I had to dress that ulcer twice daily for ten days. It was only the size of a pencil tip but it really took a concerted effort to get it to clear up, if you are going to the Caribbean and that ulcer is "angry" it's playing with fire. I really hope this doesn't backfire..maybe the doc would be better than the podiatrist?

 

[AndBreathe]

@Molly56 - Do you ever row with your husband? Does he ever row with you?

I'm not advocating regular hum-dingers, but sometimes it's good to clear the air, and deliver a few home truths. What is your "under stress/end of tether" behaviour type, and importantly what is his? I rather get the impression he might be in the passive aggressive range.

 

[Molly56]

Feeling stressed today.........can't sit still and relax......busy cleaning all morning and now looking for something else to do...have now resorted to sorting out my wardrobe just to keep occupied

Think it is just my way for compensating for someone else's inactivity.....I can see the signs and know that I am doing it.....but don't know how to stop it.

Finally found some time to relax a bit with a hobby.........difficult day though and didn't see much of anyone else as he spent most of the day in bed ........on the plus side I now have a very tidy sock drawer
Thanks to those who replied earlier.....it was good to read your comments / feedback.....I always find it helpful on days like today

 

[Mud Island Dweller]

Out of interest if ill what sort of patient are you...shoe on other foot tine...
Follow orders
Ignore advice do what you want
Want to curl up in corner

 

[Molly56]

Out of interest if ill what sort of patient are you...shoe on other foot tine...
Follow orders
Ignore advice do what you want
Want to curl up in corner

@Mud Island Dweller Saw your question this morning and was going to answer straight away...but then decided that I would give it some thought during the day....

My immediate answer would be that if I was ill I would follow orders ....on the assumption that the orders given were the best choice to make me better....

However I think I can see where this is going....perhaps one of my faults is that I am often guilty of over-analysing a situation and thinking through all the pros and cons and different scenarios .....on the other hand I could be wrong and this is just a simple straightforward question...

I could, in certain circumstances, see the second option as a way in which it might be perceived that I deal with things but couldn't see me using the third option unless things became really desperate and I hit rock bottom.

I am guessing that the answer to the question is that each individual has their own way of dealing with illness and that they need to be allowed to deal with it in their own way and their own time....

 

[Molly56]

@Molly56 - Do you ever row with your husband? Does he ever row with you?

I'm not advocating regular hum-dingers, but sometimes it's good to clear the air, and deliver a few home truths. What is your "under stress/end of tether" behaviour type, and importantly what is his? I rather get the impression he might be in the passive aggressive range.

@AndBreathe ...in answer to your two questions, to start with I would say 'no' that neither of us row with the other....I take your point that perhaps it would be good to clear the air / deliver some home truths but that is not really what I / we do.

Am not sure what my under stress / end of tether behaviour type is....not something I have really thought of before. Do you have a list of options I can choose from?

Having looked up 'passive aggressive' I can see some potential links with the way in which he behaves / deals with things....probably avoiding the issue is the main one...

Perhaps I need to borrow my son's A level Psychology book and find out more...........he just got his results last week and got a grade B

 

[AndBreathe]

@AndBreathe ...in answer to your two questions, to start with I would say 'no' that neither of us row with the other....I take your point that perhaps it would be good to clear the air / deliver some home truths but that is not really what I / we do.

Am not sure what my under stress / end of tether behaviour type is....not something I have really thought of before. Do you have a list of options I can choose from?

Having looked up 'passive aggressive' I can see some potential links with the way in which he behaves / deals with things....probably avoiding the issue is the main one...

Perhaps I need to borrow my son's A level Psychology book and find out more...........he just got his results last week and got a grade B

Molly - Typically, when we are stressed our behaviour amplifies; and sometimes goes all out of proportion. Often the thing that amplifies is the thing (or one of the things) we dislike most in ourselves. For example, if I am very stressed, I can go very quiet, if I'm trying to process lots of thoughts or problems, then I take control and elevate myself to a level of control freakery that isn't healthy in anyone's book. So, I try hard not to get to that last part.

Some people get angry, some cry. Some Over-eat, others stop eating. Similarly with sleep and so on.

I've added a couple of links here, which I've gathered in just a few minutes with Dr Google:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_signs.htm < includes a small quiz which helps self evaluate stress levels

http://www.foh.dhhs.gov/NYCU/StressReaction.asp < near the bottom of the page, the table gives some examples of stress behaviours of various sorts

 

[Molly56]

Molly - Typically, when we are stressed our behaviour amplifies; and sometimes goes all out of proportion. Often the thing that amplifies is the thing (or one of the things) we dislike most in ourselves. For example, if I am very stressed, I can go very quiet, if I'm trying to process lots of thoughts or problems, then I take control and elevate myself to a level of control freakery that isn't healthy in anyone's book. So, I try hard not to get to that last part.

Some people get angry, some cry. Some Over-eat, others stop eating. Similarly with sleep and so on.

I've added a couple of links here, which I've gathered in just a few minutes with Dr Google:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_signs.htm < includes a small quiz which helps self evaluate stress levels

http://www.foh.dhhs.gov/NYCU/StressReaction.asp < near the bottom of the page, the table gives some examples of stress behaviours of various sorts

@AndBreathe ....thank you for the links and your initial question.....perhaps this will be a good opportunity to learn something about myself

 

[Molly56]

@AndBreathe @catherinecherub @Bluetit1802 ..........Update posted on my other thread re recent stress issues ....hopefully I can do something to help myself even if I cannot help him....

Thank you all for your recent input / advice

 

[Molly56]

Had an appointment with my GP on Thursday as I could feel that my stress levels had been rising and was finding it difficult to cope with all the issues being thrown at me regarding my partner's diabetes. Thankfully my GP knows what I am having to deal with and was sympathetic to my cause.
One suggestion that he made was that I contact the local diabetes community team in our area.....have just googled them and found the following information.....

"The diabetes primary care service provides patient centred care for children and adults with diabetes and their family/carers in the local area. This includes diabetes education, annual review, insulin initiation and ongoing management, blood glucose control, pre-conception advice, identification and management of complications, psychological care, behaviour change strategies, health and lifestyle education/information, risk factor control, travel advice and liaison with other agencies such as social services, podiatry and dietetics."

Does anyone have any experience of what the community team can offer that the GP does not?

I am assuming that perhaps they can provide additional information / support that the GP / practice nurse does not have the time / resources for.

I particularly picked up on the phrase "provides patient centred care for children and adults with diabetes and their family/carers" so hope that perhaps I can find some support for myself in terms of dealing with the situation I am in.

Will give them a call next week but thought it would be useful to put some information together first so that I know what I will be asking.

If anyone has any experience of these types of team it would be useful to hear.

 

[Molly56]

Was thinking today that it is now just over two months since I first posted this thread on the forum and that it would be useful to have a review of where we are now compared to then….

On the face of it much is still the same in terms of my partner’s attitude towards his diabetes…he still doesn’t see it as a problem or an issue to be dealt with….he still spends the majority of his day being inactive / not getting up until lunchtime etc and doesn’t see the damage this is doing both physically and /or mentally.

On a positive note though medication has been changed to address high sugar levels at his last diabetic review….so far we have avoided insulin but are now on the maximum dosage of metformin and gliclazide….this is due to be reviewed at the next check in a couple of months.

Another positive………We now have the facilities for testing (provided by the nurse due to change in medication) and despite initial reluctance to test I have managed to get him to test on a number of occasions – early results were in the range of between 15.1 and 23.2 but the last two results measured in the morning were 9.9 and 9.8 so have at least managed to get it to under 10….a definite improvement on readings in the high teens but a way to go to bring them down to acceptable levels.

With regards to diet I am also trying to introduce eating the right foods where possible and trying to reduce the carbs where possible / within reason - have introduced more suitable foods such as nuts for snacking and discourage cereals / bread where possible.

Exercise (or movement of any kind) is still non-existent despite my efforts to get him moving a bit more – will still keep trying but it is not easy when he keeps making excuses about hip and knee pain. Am not totally unsympathetic to this but think that the lack of movement is probably contributing to the pain due to stiffness / muscle weakness etc

From reading other posts on the forum and having learnt more about the medications I have introduced the idea of taking the gliclazide before eating and the metformin after when we have our evening meal in the hope at least this medication will be working to do what it is supposed to….I have no control over his morning medication so fear that this is still taken all in one go and without food as he still tends to skip breakfast. ….still if we are getting it right part of the time it is better than none of the time…

On a negative note….In the last couple of months he has suffered from a foot ulcer which resulted from a small blister on his heel – thankfully this has started to heal now but it did cause me a lot of worry and concern particularly in view of a forthcoming holiday – this just demonstrated the importance of getting these things looked at as soon as possible…..something I did advocate but which he chose to ignore / didn’t think a problem

From my point of view I have better understanding of many of the issues that he faces through joining the forum and through the support of members of the forum....... I also have the support of my GP in dealing with the situation that I find myself in and in terms of looking after my own health and wellbeing

On a personal level I find that there are days when I feel that I am coping and days when I find it really difficult…....from reading my posts on the forum over the last couple of months I can see how my mood has changed over the time - a useful indication as to whether I am coping or not. Am trying to find time for myself to do the things that I enjoy doing like gardening (I find this very therapeutic) which proves to be a good distraction from what else is going on- on the whole I think that I am coping a little better than I was a couple of months ago (even if at times it doesn't seem that way) by getting the support that I need so thank you to all those who have offered their support and advice so far.

As a final word for now - hopefully we are making a few small steps in terms of improving the control of his diabetes and perhaps slowing down the progress of any potential complications……but I can tell it is going to be a long and sometimes challenging process!

 

[donnellysdogs]

Good luck at GP this week...

 

[Molly56]

Good luck at GP this week...

@donnellysdogs Visit to the GP today to get results of a knee x-ray that he had a couple of weeks ago....has had a history of knee pain over the last few years and more recently hip pain. The verdict was that the x-ray was not good so he is heading towards knee replacement surgery....being referred to the consultant at the hospital so just more appointments to add to the diary. Not sure what the verdict will be in terms of being accepted for surgery and his diabetes but will just have to watch this space.....

Doctor has also requested x-ray of hip and blood tests to see what is going on there so will get the results of this in a few weeks time.

Based on my recent visit to the GP I think it was useful that I had given him some information about what had been going on and he was able to ask relevant questions / make suggestions to help him to manage his diabetes better......... so my efforts do not appear to have been wasted.

Feeling a little more relaxed /less stressed myself at the moment - probably because the problem has been shared with the GP and I am actively doing things to help myself

 

[AndBreathe]

This may just be your breakthrough. And he may be bringing it about himself.

Whether or not we realise it, when we need to change, part, if not all, of the motivation we find is the"what's in it for me?" factor. This may what galvanises some change in him. Did your husband want to go and have this issue addressed? Does he want the pain to stop? Would he like to find stairs, walking or generally moving around more comfortable?

How far would he go to achieve that?

I'm not sure if you have noticed, or indeed if it has occurred since you've been coming on here, but quite regularly people end up here when they have been rejected for surgery, on the basis of their bloods. Poorer diabetic control can result in poorer healing, and the the danger that any minor infection could run riot.

Not all of those new people arriving here are new diabetics, discovered in the pre-op period, some have been living with diabetes for some time leading up to their pre-ops, but either couldn't or didn't make the desired level of changes required for surgery to take place safely. Being rejected for their surgery is often the catalyst for change.

See what I mean about the "What's in it for me?" factor?

For them, there is a stated requirement to achieve an HbA1c score of X before surgery can occur. The message delivered is, "No surgery for you, for now. Come back when your HbA1c is X and we'll get you scheduled."

The "what's in it for me?" is an HbA1c equals surgery, which equals being pain free, which equals better quality of life. Suddenly better diabetic control isn't the end objective, but a stepping stone to something else.

Whilst I don't want your husband to be rejected for surgery he may well need, but if he wants a change of knee, he may just get motivated to take notice of his diabetes.

What do you think?

And finally, if there is anyone reading this who arrived here in the manner I describe, please don't think I'm judging you. Sometimes change is just too overwhelmingly difficult, and we can't make the change for whatever reason. We've all been there at some stage, for some reason, including me.

 

[donnellysdogs]

Molly

I'm glad that you may now be able to get partner to consider that he needs to look after levels to get an op.

If he hasn't actually cottoned onto that, then it needs to be explained. He will not get surgery unless he is controlled.

I'm very glad that you have managed to see GP before and with. Gp will have remembered your conversation when seeing partner.

How has he reacted since GP visit?

Well done you. You are an unrewarded angel, I hope now that you may see a more positive reaction from partner.

 

[graj0]

@donnellysdogs Visit to the GP today to get results of a knee x-ray that he had a couple of weeks ago....has had a history of knee pain over the last few years and more recently hip pain. The verdict was that the x-ray was not good so he is heading towards knee replacement surgery....being referred to the consultant at the hospital so just more appointments to add to the diary. Not sure what the verdict will be in terms of being accepted for surgery and his diabetes but will just have to watch this space.....

Hopefully his experience will be better than mine. I have arthritis in both knees, no cartilage whatsoever, it's bone on bone. I'm now 62 and have coped for 12 years of being in pain. I have been told that I am too young for a knee replacement so I'm having to pay for it myself. There is also the weight issue which in my case is not because of how much I eat. I was recently assessed by a psychiatrist and a dietician (NHS) and they have decided that I have a weight problem, not an eating problem, I could have told them that.
I have an appointment with a knee consultant on Monday and as I'm paying, I'm asking for a replacement that will outlast me. I was told that the replacements available under the NHS last 10 - 15 years, so I'm going for a prosthetic made by Smith and Nephew that is warranted for 30 years. I'll be interested to hear the outcome of your partner's appointment. I get the impression that it's all a bit of a lottery these days, having heard so many stories which start with "I know someone . . . . . . " followed by ". . . . . . . who is heavier/younger (delete as necessary)." I wish you well.
On a slightly different note, I read this on another Diabetes Forum,
http://diabetes-support.org.uk/diabetesforum/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=5271.0;attach=1485;image.
Just for your info, and for anyone reading who might be interested.