My last outreach

[ickihun]

Sounds a bit dramatic, but truth is i'm numb to it all.
I'm 33, I have a wife and two kids. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes nearly 3 years ago now and put straight onto insulin. The problem is I have something wrong with my mental health and I completely self sabotage with my diabetes, its coupled with a really bad relationship with food.

Its been at least 4 weeks since I tested my blood glucose. I've been taking my lantus every night (38 units) but haven't taken a single Bolus in months... There, i said it.

I used to be 21st which was the point I got diabetes. I'm now 15st 6lbs. People tell me well done on the weight loss but the truth is I havent done anything different, i've ate a bad diet, havent excercised and i've lost the weight, I know its because im running high, sometimes I can even feel my body working overtime and burning like a furnace. I now hear words like 'diabulemia' and wonder if thats what is happening to me and my mind - is my subconcious linking weight loss to bad control? I dont even think when i'm going to the fridge, its like someone else is controlling my body but a few minutes after I feel ashamed and then I block it out and move on.

I took the step to mention this all to my DN who recognised I needed help but didnt know what to do or suggest. She referred me to the hospital. I've spoken to more than one GP about it and they dont know what to do. In one hour I'm going to see the specialist doctor at the hospital and i'm going to tell him all of this. In my mind its my last chance to get help, I dont know what help i'm asking for specifically but i'm suspecting its some kind of psychological help.

Maybe as a 33 year old male with a professional career and family falls outside of the usual stereotype for this kind of thing. How can a person not control their own mind when consciously they really want to live, succeed and be happy but subconsciously they are on autopilot to destruction.

Im saddened to hear you crying out for mental health care and you being ignored. I havent read the responses yet but I'm hoping you have been told by your team that help is on the way.

 

[ickihun]

I used to self sabotage by binge eating occasionally. Counselling helped me immensely with that. For years I had an ME like illness and couldn't do much at all. Everyone else seemed to have wonderful lives and I couldn't do the simplest things. I hated myself for that. Now I am through the other side I have learned that I don't need to push myself to achieve anything at all. I just have to be. I am happy just being me and am not driven to try to control my world, I just enjoy life more. Most of all I have learnt that I'm OK and I can love myself at last whether I achieve anything or not, there's an amazing freedom in being able to do that.

Ive just started my eating psychological assessment for bariatric surgery. We've agreed to delay my op til after May 2018 (after son's stats). I'm discovering alot. Alot I thought is just 'normal'. All I know, I guess. I can see this being a huge turning point for my weight. Psychologist is brilliant and more enlightening than my regular diabetic one.
It could get very messy as I open all those closed boxes which have been closed prematurally to cope with next upset.
She has seen feeders in my early life..... one I knew of and one I never detected. She will hopefully ensure I fix any feeding im doing sub-conscienciously.
The mind is a very very powerful organ. For sure.

 

[woodywhippet61]

Ive just started my eating psychological assessment for bariatric surgery. We've agreed to delay my op til after May 2018 (after son's stats). I'm discovering alot. Alot I thought is just 'normal'. All I know, I guess. I can see this being a huge turning point for my weight. Psychologist is brilliant and more enlightening than my regular diabetic one.
It could get very messy as I open all those closed boxes which have been closed prematurally to cope with next upset.
She has seen feeders in my early life..... one I knew of and one I never detected. She will hopefully ensure I fix any feeding im doing sub-conscienciously.
The mind is a very very powerful organ. For sure.

I'd have liked to do a like and a hug.

 

[Bufger]

All, its been well over a year since my last update but I wanted to show you the journey and there is help if you keep pushing for it..

Just after my last post in 2017 I started CBT therapy. It was a good start for self reflection and understanding just how i'm behaving and how others around me react. The first thing I realised was how emotionally linked my depressive and destructive episodes were to my close relationships and interactions around me. A small arguement with my wife or getting fed up with the kids not listening would easily send me into binge eating, insulin missing, not monitoring etc. The hidden factor of this was that i've always been obese and when i fell ill with diabetes I lost 35lbs in a couple of weeks. Subconciously this has been a factor and i've been sabotaging to lose more weight. At the moment of writing this im 98lbs down from my pre diagnoses weight. The CBT identified where some of the issues were but couldnt help me change behaviour over the short course of 9 sessions they offer.

I went back to my destructive patterns for a while after having some control. It wasnt as bad as before but I still wasnt monitoring correctly and couldnt afford the Libre all the time. Eventually I went to my Endo and told him i've had enough. I told him i'd discovered it was my emotional connection with food that was unhealthy and directly affecting my diabetes. He referred me to a clinic for eating disorders who also have experience with diabetes. A rare find!

I waited 3 months for an initial meeting then another 6 months for a place on their outpatient list. I was diagnosed with Bulemia because I was using my insulin (or lack of) to control my weight.

The whole thing has been worth it so far. I have had weekly 1:1 sessions with a specialist therapist for eating disorders and diabetes. I've discovered so much about my self and how patterns have formed since childhood, what is shaping me now, how to take control step by step. I've faced alot of headwinds this past year with deaths, redundancy, building work, unexpected debts etc... I dont think I would have made it through without the care ive been given.

It was difficult to get onto this programme as its small and not widely known but there is such a close relationship between diabetes control and mental health it should be readily available to everyone.

So whats next... I've found a way to fit the libre into my budget permanently.
I have a stable basal routine and a stable breakfast. I'm learning to conquer lunch and evenings..
My job is changing so i've searched specifically for one that will help with lifestyle - money is not as important anymore.

I hope this helps someone out there. I'm happy to talk through my experience with anybody thats interested or struggling themselves. The first step is you have to want to do it, you have to want to live (was the first question my therapist asked me!! shocked me a bit but really had me thinking whether I did or not).

-Buf
XX

 

[Bufger]

@Bufger As you are on insulin it does not make much difference, but remind the doctors you may have Type1, not Type2.

Oh and for everyones info - I was rediagnosed with Type 1 in the end. I've had some closure on that front!

 

[DCUKMod]

All, its been well over a year since my last update but I wanted to show you the journey and there is help if you keep pushing for it..

Just after my last post in 2017 I started CBT therapy. It was a good start for self reflection and understanding just how i'm behaving and how others around me react. The first thing I realised was how emotionally linked my depressive and destructive episodes were to my close relationships and interactions around me. A small arguement with my wife or getting fed up with the kids not listening would easily send me into binge eating, insulin missing, not monitoring etc. The hidden factor of this was that i've always been obese and when i fell ill with diabetes I lost 35lbs in a couple of weeks. Subconciously this has been a factor and i've been sabotaging to lose more weight. At the moment of writing this im 98lbs down from my pre diagnoses weight. The CBT identified where some of the issues were but couldnt help me change behaviour over the short course of 9 sessions they offer.

I went back to my destructive patterns for a while after having some control. It wasnt as bad as before but I still wasnt monitoring correctly and couldnt afford the Libre all the time. Eventually I went to my Endo and told him i've had enough. I told him i'd discovered it was my emotional connection with food that was unhealthy and directly affecting my diabetes. He referred me to a clinic for eating disorders who also have experience with diabetes. A rare find!

I waited 3 months for an initial meeting then another 6 months for a place on their outpatient list. I was diagnosed with Bulemia because I was using my insulin (or lack of) to control my weight.

The whole thing has been worth it so far. I have had weekly 1:1 sessions with a specialist therapist for eating disorders and diabetes. I've discovered so much about my self and how patterns have formed since childhood, what is shaping me now, how to take control step by step. I've faced alot of headwinds this past year with deaths, redundancy, building work, unexpected debts etc... I dont think I would have made it through without the care ive been given.

It was difficult to get onto this programme as its small and not widely known but there is such a close relationship between diabetes control and mental health it should be readily available to everyone.

So whats next... I've found a way to fit the libre into my budget permanently.
I have a stable basal routine and a stable breakfast. I'm learning to conquer lunch and evenings..
My job is changing so i've searched specifically for one that will help with lifestyle - money is not as important anymore.

I hope this helps someone out there. I'm happy to talk through my experience with anybody thats interested or struggling themselves. The first step is you have to want to do it, you have to want to live (was the first question my therapist asked me!! shocked me a bit but really had me thinking whether I did or not).

-Buf
XX

Gosh, Bufger. That's quite a story there.

I'm so pleased to hear things are brighter for you these days. As someone with an eating disorder in their past, I totally understand how having some clues about the why is critical. Once one understands why some things manifest as they do, they become easier to manage over time.

It can be a very long journey, but very worthwhile for you and those who care for you.

 

[Grumpy ole thing]

Oh and for everyones info - I was rediagnosed with Type 1 in the end. I've had some closure on that front!

just for clarity, not like that you're T1, but that you have closure so a clearer way forward, way to go x

 

[Antje77]

All, its been well over a year since my last update but I wanted to show you the journey and there is help if you keep pushing for it..

This is a wonderful update, makes me go to bed with a very happy feeling after a rough day!

 

[hh1]

I agree with @Antje77, an update to cheer anyone up. Well done @Bufger, here's to continuing success with the changes you're making.

 

[Mariedoc]

All, its been well over a year since my last update but I wanted to show you the journey and there is help if you keep pushing for it..

Just after my last post in 2017 I started CBT therapy. It was a good start for self reflection and understanding just how i'm behaving and how others around me react. The first thing I realised was how emotionally linked my depressive and destructive episodes were to my close relationships and interactions around me. A small arguement with my wife or getting fed up with the kids not listening would easily send me into binge eating, insulin missing, not monitoring etc. The hidden factor of this was that i've always been obese and when i fell ill with diabetes I lost 35lbs in a couple of weeks. Subconciously this has been a factor and i've been sabotaging to lose more weight. At the moment of writing this im 98lbs down from my pre diagnoses weight. The CBT identified where some of the issues were but couldnt help me change behaviour over the short course of 9 sessions they offer.

I went back to my destructive patterns for a while after having some control. It wasnt as bad as before but I still wasnt monitoring correctly and couldnt afford the Libre all the time. Eventually I went to my Endo and told him i've had enough. I told him i'd discovered it was my emotional connection with food that was unhealthy and directly affecting my diabetes. He referred me to a clinic for eating disorders who also have experience with diabetes. A rare find!

I waited 3 months for an initial meeting then another 6 months for a place on their outpatient list. I was diagnosed with Bulemia because I was using my insulin (or lack of) to control my weight.

The whole thing has been worth it so far. I have had weekly 1:1 sessions with a specialist therapist for eating disorders and diabetes. I've discovered so much about my self and how patterns have formed since childhood, what is shaping me now, how to take control step by step. I've faced alot of headwinds this past year with deaths, redundancy, building work, unexpected debts etc... I dont think I would have made it through without the care ive been given.

It was difficult to get onto this programme as its small and not widely known but there is such a close relationship between diabetes control and mental health it should be readily available to everyone.

So whats next... I've found a way to fit the libre into my budget permanently.
I have a stable basal routine and a stable breakfast. I'm learning to conquer lunch and evenings..
My job is changing so i've searched specifically for one that will help with lifestyle - money is not as important anymore.

I hope this helps someone out there. I'm happy to talk through my experience with anybody thats interested or struggling themselves. The first step is you have to want to do it, you have to want to live (was the first question my therapist asked me!! shocked me a bit but really had me thinking whether I did or not).

-Buf
XX

I would be really interested in hearing more from your inspiring story. I have very poor control and am about to go onto insulin which I'm nervous about because of bulimia I'm my 30's.
I have just started CBT sessions .. and I feel very overwhelmed by the simple steps they have asked me to do .... so far I have just ate my up and down emotions to cope I do hope it will help me get a grip!!