Dear Dougal,
Please forgive me, my friend, but I've only just come across your post.
First of all, don't consider your "failures", and you MAY not have actually done anything wrong. It's NOT all your fault.
Diabetes is a progressive illness, meaning that there are times when you MAY feel that you've lost control. It's easy to
see, if you accept this fact, how this can have a detrimental effect on your psyche. This, as well as the fact that diabetes
is a life-long and serious condition, can lead to depression. I like to think that I can easily overcome times when I'm feeling 'down', though I do know that there are times when I find this more difficult, and I also know, from my previous work as a social worker, that not everyone can deal with things easily all the time. Have you spoken to your doctor about the way you feel? It MAY be that either a short-term medication or a 'talking therapy' MIGHT be beneficial for you.
You do NOT "lack the good reasons that many other people have for being depressed." Each of us is different and we find ways
of dealing with whatever life has thrown at us. Some people can shrug it off like water off a duck's back, but sadly, many
people can't deal with things in this way. It's times like this that we need a good support network ... even if that's just talking to friends and/or relatives, and simply getting things off our chest. The trick is to recognise when things aren't quite the way they should be, and then do something about it. i.e. a trip to speak with your doctor. I do hope that you kept your appointment with your doctor today, and that you find his/her advice to be of benefit. If not, do NOT leave it and think that you've got to deal with it by yourself. Go back again, and keep on doing so until such time that you do gain benefit. If your doctor doesn't seem able to help you, or seems disinterested, ask for a referral to see a specialist. Be insistent. You deserve to be treated, both with respect and as a valuable member of society.
I truly am sorry that you're finding things difficult to deal with, and would like to offer you a virtual hug. {{{{{Dougal}}}}}
There really is no need for you to feel embarrassed and ashamed of yourself. You've hit a hiccup (hiccough) in life's travels, and this is something that CAN be helped. It, obviously, isn't something that can be solved overnight, but if you're willing to try, and put a bit of effort in, you'll see that it CAN be done.
Being type 1 you MAY already be aware that having higher than 'normal' blood sugar (glucose) levels WILL make you lose weight. This occurs due to there being a lack of, or insufficient insulin being present in your system. Insulin is required to 'transport' glucose from your bloodstream into your body's cells, where it is used to create energy. If/when this isn't happening, your body begins to believe that you're going through a period of fasting or that you're starving. To counter this it begins to break down fat and muscle to use as an alternative source of fuel. This can very quickly lead to an extremely dangerous condition called diabetic ketoacidosis where you could need to be admitted to hospital for emergency medical treatment. (The blood becomes acidic, which is very damaging to organs, blood vessels, and nerves. Without medical intervention it's a definite possibility that you could lose consciousness, lapse into a coma, and die. It really IS that serious.)
650 to 700 calories IS a small amount, my friend, and there are such strict diets adhered to by some type 2 diabetics who are
trying to lose weight, and hopefully reduce the amount of oral medication(s) ... and insulin, if they're taking that ... to gain better blood glucose control, but with type 1 diabetes it's the carbohydrate content of foods and drink that you should be counting. It's easier to determine how much insulin you need to inject/infuse to cover specific amounts.
If you'd like to contact me directly to 'sound off', argue, or just have someone that's willing to listen to you, do please feel free. (Click on my name to see the hyperlink where you can send a message.)
I wish you well, Dougal, and I pray that you've got a supportive doctor.
Lots of Love and Light.
Mick
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P.S. Please don't be offended or alarmed at the "x's". It's simply a logo, of sorts, that I've used for some 30-odd years now.