A Dilemma. Partner's reaction to a diagnosis.

Why should anyone be upset about their partner going all out to correct a problem that may cause him severe medical issues if he doesn't ? She obviously doesn't understand the seriousness of type2 diabetes. And the impact on her is nothing in comparison to the impact on him if he doesn't get his diabetes under control.


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How selfish is that woman instead of encouraging him she's putting him down all because he wants to get his diabetes under control


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On diagnosis diabetes does change our lives..... there's no mistaking, however I think this lady is being a little inconsiderate towards her husband who is trying his best to get on top of his diabetes.

At first we do see all the negatives and worry ourselves stupid about what may be which is quite normal, once he finds his way and knows that these 'snake oil cures' are nothing but a scam his positivity will hopefully return, I'm sure it's as much as a shock to partners as it is to the person being diagnosed, relationships are about getting through the good and the bad times together so hopefully they'll work things out.

Whilst we all know how it feels to be diagnosed and the turmoil it creates usually our partners, parents, children do not. I was quite obsessive to start with and would sit at dinner eating a small salad with sardines (for instance) whilst they tucked into lasagna! I would expound on the virtues of low carb, complain about the problems I was having with Metformin, take at length about diet and if we all wanted to go out and eat would insist on Nando's (or somewhere similar) rather than GBK or their favourite chinese. They never said anything... they all supported me and ate whatever low carb food I put infront of them, came walking with me to keep me company etc.. and I didn't really question whether I was being selfish. One day when peeling off my bun in burger king and telling my son not to have the coke he said " this is all very boring mum, you are the one with the problem not me."

To start with I was quite cross at his attitude but the more I thought about it I realised how boring I had become - all my conversations leading back to one place. I (very luckily) have a lovely husband and two children, none of whom are overweight, all exercise frequently - my daughter rows and my son plays rugby and my huband cycles 8 miles to work and back every day. They have all supported me throughout so.... now....
I don't talk about it (or as little as possible), I cook us all the same meals but I don't eat the pasta, rice, bread or potatoes etc.. (although I am doing the Newcastle diet at the moment so I just cook for them) I make sure that all their food at home is home cooked, not processed and contains no added sugar and when we go out, they choose where and I just adapt to the menu.

Diabetes is hard on everyone and it is so easy to forget our families in all of this so I really sympathise with both of the people in this story!

The thing that springs to my mind is-

She has no idea that diabetes is serious ( I didn't and I had it!).

My husband is equally clueless and would happily let me eat a family size bar of chocolate and a massive bag of crisps without comment.
I am not sure what he thinks diabetes is. Or if he understands that, in fact, that I ate myself into diabetes.

Cara

Perhaps her opinions will change if she ever gets diagnosed herself.

The way I understand it she is supportive but is worried that the diagnosis has taken over his life to the detriment of everything else in his life. Most of the complaints look as if he has become obsessive, putting his faith in miracle cures and dwelling on the downside, rather than looking forward to the future and being positive about the outcome. I don't think she is complaining about him wanting to do something about it, she was afterall relieved at getting him to the docs in the first place, but he may have become self pitying, 'self denial and martyrdom'. She doesn't explain how he takes the fun out of family celebrations but he may be making them feel guilty. As far as her concern, "a knowledge vacuum that my husband has rushed to fill with online quackery", this sort of behaviour can be soul destroying for those who expect a more calm and rational approach. I don't think we are told enough to make any sort of judgement.

Truffle said:

the more I thought about it I realised how boring I had become - all my conversations leading back to one place.

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Two or three months after my diagnosis my wife and I went to a belated works Christmas Party, the Blood Sciences dept from the local hospital. I was under strict instructions not to raise the topic at all.

Reminds me of mine.

http://www.diabetes.co.uk/forum/threads/relations.50296/

(she never did open the cook book)

this is very relevant to me, since diagnosis that to be fair i only ever got because she was driving me mad about my drinking not being normal, she has fought against me every step of the way, my diabetes is a inconvenience, I'm obsessive apparently, the day i started to low carb she started to low fat even after me showing her all the info i was reading about it, every time i exercised she told me i was doing too much, every time i didn't eat something it was wrong, i was losing too much weight, i was losing the weight too fast, i cooked all my own meals because she didn't know anything about it and dosent know how to do it, i could go on all night and frankly don't even like thinking about it, a year on (almost) i never talk about it, i ignore any comments i try very hard to exercise at a convenient time for her and often don't do the runs i should because it does not suit her, she has recently been making me a different meal to everyone else which i appreciate and at christmas made me some low carb mince pies which were yummy but that turned into an argument because i said i can't eat 10 a day, the following day they were a bit soggy because they didn't keep well, by the third batch i just said when you make them could you possibly make just a few at a time because i really shouldn't be eating all 10 in the batch at once lol i was the most ungrateful a$$ on the planet, that was the end of the low carb cooking for me *shrug* it has been a constant fight I've had zero support and i consider it selfish to the point that if it were not for the kids id be happily living in the tea room at work lol, what a great thread, allowing me to moan like this thank you so much i feel much better for it
i could literally ramble on all night

I was told this diseaase was perfect for me, being and obsessive compulsive control freak.

I'm now accused of being controlling and obsessive with my food and causing obstruction at home or wherever I go.

Personally I don't give a ****, I'd rather be in control of this (as far as I can be) than having bits chopped off or going blind.

My husband and children bought all my Xmas presents in Thorntons so I could have a treat.....sigh...

carraway said:

My husband and children bought all my Xmas presents in Thorntons so I could have a treat.....sigh...

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Oh dear!

I feel for you Carraway,... three years down the line the three young men I work in an office with bought me green tea, peanuts and one made a retro cheese and pickled onion 'hedgehog' for me on my birthday and were astonished at how pleased I was.
I am really lucky with my family - my Christmas stocking was full of cheese, pork scratchings and bath bombs! They have always been completely thoughtful and supportive - it is me who has taken it for granted.

So sorry to hear some partners/ otherhalfs not as supportive as they could be my family support me in as much as they say should you be eating that Mum ? But they are grown up and have their own families and don't understand diabetes although my son does have a better understanding I do struggle sometimes my husband is kind of supportive and I may well be doing him a disservice but he does moan at what I need to carry around when going out with inhalers meters and a snack I realise after reading some of the comments that although my support isn't great it's better than people have so I guess I should be doing more to give them a better understanding


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I don't live with my husband, for various reasons, but he comes around most afternoons to help me with any heavy stuff and usually has his dinner with me. Since being diagnosed I have had to sideline some things as I spend a lot of time learning about diabetes, reading and on my laptop, so I guess it could be taken as being a little unsociable! But he knows I need the knowledge so leaves me to it. He has quite bad dyslexia so I find time to help him with any paperwork/forms etc. so really it's a matter of give and take.

One should be able to be obsessive about controlling their diabetes. I am, but I don't bang on about it, I do it silently, and my partner leaves me to do my own thing. She does her best to provide meals to suite everyone. If I choose to leave something on the plate, its no issue. I'm not going to tell my son he should drink his pepsi every time he has one. But one day I will refer him to a documentary about High Fructose Corn Syrup and let him make his own mid up. Subtlety required by all.

Andy12345 said:

she has recently been making me a different meal to everyone else which i appreciate and at christmas made me some low carb mince pies which were yummy but that turned into an argument because i said i can't eat 10 a day,

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LOL priceless.

carraway said:

My husband and children bought all my Xmas presents in Thorntons so I could have a treat.....sigh...

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Oh I got a box of thorntons diabetic chocolates and sweets last year. The turkish delight was OK, the chocs were OK in small quantities, but even two of the sweets played havoc with the digestive system. It sounded like air in a central heating system complete with banging on the pipes. On the positive side it caused me to read up on beta carbs and sugar substitutes and how you don't digest them but how they are broken down by bacteria but not ultimately digested. I really had a perfect demonstration on how that worked in practice and I'll never forget the lesson.