Now even I realise I'm getting stupid but for some reason I still can't stop what I'm doing.
I am aiming for non diabetic blood sugars and if I am even slightly out of that range on the high end then there is nothing I can do and I feel so useless that I haven't done better!
Lows feel good to me they make me feel good about myself and I know a lot of you on here know about this but not the full extent to which I inject even if I'm fasting 6.5 because that's a pre diabetic blood sugar and that's not good enough to for me.
When I'm low I don't treat it because I like my body being in that state I feel good about myself for a while and I feel in control.
Yesterday I was out with some friends and I had to leave because my bg was 13.5 for no foreseeable reason I hadn't eaten anything for about 3 hours and my last reading was 6.
I was so scared that it was that high I felt angry with myself and ashamed.
I hate myself with this disease it's stolen me and my life and I want both back and I know lots of diabetics say that don't let the diabetes stop you from doing what you want but it's stopping me big time and I can't control it.
I love lows and I know that sounds strange but I do. Managed correctly lows can keep you clear of long term damage.
I think I have a phobia of highs I'm testing 15 times a day to see if I'm high I've even injected intravenously once! It's what you do when you have a phobia of something you act irrationally about it and will put yourself in danger to avoid it.
I wish that this disease will go away I've had it for 18 months and look at how badly I am managing it! I do hate myself for it