Hi people,
Sometimes things happen. Recently I had appendicitis and also a really deep cut to a finger - it made me annoyed as it got in the way of my new work and also sometimes self-pity happens to the best of us.
I can't really afford thinking like that for much longer - haven't been able/willing to be exactly as serious about my diabetes for the past week or two because I've felt a bit down and also had an infection so my insulin wasn't working entirely as well as it should.
However, I need to think back to a year ago.
I couldn't walk then. No amount of testing could figure out why - back tested, MRI done, CT... Was it sclerosis? Noone knew, and we couldn't find out and we never thought it would be better. My left leg in particular would not respond - after walking 50 yards, I could not get a signal through to my leg, my brain would work so hard to try that after a walk around my house, I'd need to sleep for 2 hours. It was hopeless. I was 32. My legs would hold back fluid, I put on weight again that I had already lost, and there was no way I could do the washing up, cooking or shopping on my own.
I am a woman, I bled all the time and have had surgery in the past for fibroma's in my womb - in the end, after blood transfusions and iron infusions again, my doc told me to seriously consider what being able to have children was worth to me - and eventually, I said okay, I'll do a hysterectomy.
I wasn't all for it, I mean, I was still young, children were definately on my list and I was worried about complications and well, how would sex be - the operation was rough, they found some tissue that needed urgent microscopy, so I was under for maybe 5 hours - turned out to be nothing, but was a scare as I've had cancer before...
When I started slowly recovering over a few weeks, something odd had happened - I could walk! I wasn't really willing to believe it at first - I still called my parents, or the taxi company, or a friend when I wanted to do something, but slowly I started chuckling to myself when I got that idea and said to myself 'hey, I can walk'. I was seriously out of shape and maybe 7 stone overweight, so there was a good deal of huffin' and puffin' involved, but I remember walking my first mile, my first 3, and then my first 5. I called everyone I know... A few months ago, I did my first 10 mile walk. On insulin and without hypo's and with minimal carb-replacement. I've started running a bit - I am still a bit heavy for that, but it's so hard to not run sometimes, all this energy and happiness.
My fluid in my legs has gone, my hemoglobin is coming up very nicely, I've lost 4 stone again and well on the way to the 5th. I eat a much healthier diet and feel better for it. I can have a social life. I can go where ever I want to. I have been in an entirely miserable spot for a year and a half not knowing if there would ever be an 'after' - put in an application for a handicap moped because I had given up and couldn't live without some sort of independence.
I am so much more aware of what I want to waste time on and what I can't be bothered with. I lived off take-away, phoned in pizzas, stuff that would microwave and alas, sugary drinks. I will never do that to myself again, I do like a bit of it sometimes, but it is a rare occasion because I enjoy cooking and also just love fresh veggies in salads and so on - the colours, the various textures, the variation...
So, today I am done feeling sorry for myself for the little bump in the road that is appendicitis and a cut to my finger - in the broader perspective of things, this is nothing compared to the feeling of being trapped in your own body and your own home. I am so not ever going back to there regardless what the reason, and I can't afford getting too sloppy because of self-pity.
I had my life back, and all my freedom and options - I really really want that to last forever and a day. I was so lucky that the fibroma that cut off most of my nerve supply was removed without any of the docs really knowing that was what was to blame. I could have never known and still been dying slowly from inactivity, excess weight, progressing diabetes that I had no means or energy to deal with or even go to checks for, really as I couldn't get to the hospital....
I am here though, I have a choice. I choose to celebrate.
Sometimes things happen. Recently I had appendicitis and also a really deep cut to a finger - it made me annoyed as it got in the way of my new work and also sometimes self-pity happens to the best of us.
I can't really afford thinking like that for much longer - haven't been able/willing to be exactly as serious about my diabetes for the past week or two because I've felt a bit down and also had an infection so my insulin wasn't working entirely as well as it should.
However, I need to think back to a year ago.
I couldn't walk then. No amount of testing could figure out why - back tested, MRI done, CT... Was it sclerosis? Noone knew, and we couldn't find out and we never thought it would be better. My left leg in particular would not respond - after walking 50 yards, I could not get a signal through to my leg, my brain would work so hard to try that after a walk around my house, I'd need to sleep for 2 hours. It was hopeless. I was 32. My legs would hold back fluid, I put on weight again that I had already lost, and there was no way I could do the washing up, cooking or shopping on my own.
I am a woman, I bled all the time and have had surgery in the past for fibroma's in my womb - in the end, after blood transfusions and iron infusions again, my doc told me to seriously consider what being able to have children was worth to me - and eventually, I said okay, I'll do a hysterectomy.
I wasn't all for it, I mean, I was still young, children were definately on my list and I was worried about complications and well, how would sex be - the operation was rough, they found some tissue that needed urgent microscopy, so I was under for maybe 5 hours - turned out to be nothing, but was a scare as I've had cancer before...
When I started slowly recovering over a few weeks, something odd had happened - I could walk! I wasn't really willing to believe it at first - I still called my parents, or the taxi company, or a friend when I wanted to do something, but slowly I started chuckling to myself when I got that idea and said to myself 'hey, I can walk'. I was seriously out of shape and maybe 7 stone overweight, so there was a good deal of huffin' and puffin' involved, but I remember walking my first mile, my first 3, and then my first 5. I called everyone I know... A few months ago, I did my first 10 mile walk. On insulin and without hypo's and with minimal carb-replacement. I've started running a bit - I am still a bit heavy for that, but it's so hard to not run sometimes, all this energy and happiness.
My fluid in my legs has gone, my hemoglobin is coming up very nicely, I've lost 4 stone again and well on the way to the 5th. I eat a much healthier diet and feel better for it. I can have a social life. I can go where ever I want to. I have been in an entirely miserable spot for a year and a half not knowing if there would ever be an 'after' - put in an application for a handicap moped because I had given up and couldn't live without some sort of independence.
I am so much more aware of what I want to waste time on and what I can't be bothered with. I lived off take-away, phoned in pizzas, stuff that would microwave and alas, sugary drinks. I will never do that to myself again, I do like a bit of it sometimes, but it is a rare occasion because I enjoy cooking and also just love fresh veggies in salads and so on - the colours, the various textures, the variation...
So, today I am done feeling sorry for myself for the little bump in the road that is appendicitis and a cut to my finger - in the broader perspective of things, this is nothing compared to the feeling of being trapped in your own body and your own home. I am so not ever going back to there regardless what the reason, and I can't afford getting too sloppy because of self-pity.
I had my life back, and all my freedom and options - I really really want that to last forever and a day. I was so lucky that the fibroma that cut off most of my nerve supply was removed without any of the docs really knowing that was what was to blame. I could have never known and still been dying slowly from inactivity, excess weight, progressing diabetes that I had no means or energy to deal with or even go to checks for, really as I couldn't get to the hospital....
I am here though, I have a choice. I choose to celebrate.
