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Completely at a loss

Lezzles

Lezzles

Well-Known Member
Messages
82
Location
Aberdeen
Type of diabetes
Type 1
Treatment type
Insulin
Dislikes
Diabetes
CJ from the Egg heads
Shellfish
Leaving home without an umbrella
I've completely lost all control of everything and I just don't know where to begin getting myself back on the right path.

I spent a lot of time never taking my insulin due to Diabulimia and landed myself in hospital a few years back and was told i'd nearly killed myself.
Didnt seem to sink in though. I did the good care thing for a little while but as soon as the weight started to creep back on i just went back to my old ways.
i have such a problem with my weight due to being a really big girl and then suddenly i dropped a lot of it and suddenly i wasnt that big girl anymore but it was discovered that I was type 1.

it's been over 10 years now since i've been diagnosed and i just can't seem to get my head together about it.
I have gone through phases of 'being good' but it never lasts long as i feel miserable and lonely and just slip up again.

Things hurt now though and i havent been to see anyone about it.
My left thigh is painful to the touch and my joints and things are sore a lot of the time and i'm like an old woman despite being only 30.

I have been taking my lantus every day for the past 8 months or so which is a little bit of progress for me, and i do take my novorapid when i feel i need it, but i dont test like i need to and dont eat as i should. This has made me put on weight but i have kind of accepted it more than i normally would have because i know why and because not taking my night time insulin isnt an option as i cant cope with feeling so bad and restricting my insulin doesnt have the same affect as it once did.

it's like a mental block and i just feel this cloud of depression over me all the time.

I have a partner who i've been with for about 8 months, he is the reason i want to get back on my feet, i want to have children but im scared that i've wrecked my body too much or that i'll end up an invalid and that i will be nothing but a burden.

I need help but i have never found any of my care team helpful or sympathetic which puts me off going back and also makes me feel so alone.
I just feel at a total loss. My body needs a complete MOT done and I need to just get it together but my head just doesnt seem to be where it needs to be.

I should have spend less time worrying about my weight and worrying about my health, maybe by now i would have been in control and have felt good about myself.

Sorry for moaning, i know this is all my fault but i thought that maybe saying all this out loud might help me a little.

x
 
Hi Lezzles

I suffered from diabulimia and anorexia 20+ years ago for a number of years. It is a really difficult situation to get yourself out of without appropriate help. As you already know there is no quick solution.

Have you told your diabetes team exactly what you are doing? It wasn't until I did this that I started to get good help from my diabetes team via an eating disorders clinic and my diabetes consultant. Sadly diabulimia and withholding insulin is not that uncommon, especially in young type 1 women, but there is help out there. If you don't feel your team are supportive or understanding then go back to your gp for advice. Whatever you do tell somebody in the medical profession as soon as you can because you can't solve it all on your own.

Start to take small steps . You know how to control the diabetes side of it but are having a battle in your head with diabulimia. Unfortunately it distorts what we really know is the right thing to do. To begin with I would start to test regularly throughout the day as that is the key to getting back control and make sure you have the correct ratios for insulin to carbs. Following the advice of an eating disorders dietician I started to eat small amounts of carbs for my meals so I only needed to inject small boluses and found I could cope with this. I have carried on like this ever since.

Stop looking at the times when you are taking control as "being good", just see it as being normal and don't beat yourself up when things go a little awry just don't let it spiral out of control. You can find a happy balance between eating healthily with correct insulin boluses, keeping stable blood sugar and keeping a stable happy weight.

You are young and deserve to feel well. You obviously have a supportive partner with happy plans for your future. Please don't put off trying to get your diabetes under control any longer. Talk to your gp or dsn so you can start to unravel the predicament you are currently in. Piece by piece with the right advice and support you can get better. Good luck.
 
Don't feel sorry for moaning Lezzles as we have all had our own problems along the way.

I think given the problems you have you really need to be seen by your HCP's to help you overcome the difficulties that you have about injecting and testing, Flowerpots post above is excellent advice and you should take on board what they have said.
 
Hi,

Thanks for the nice words and the advice, I am definitely going to give low carbing a proper go. I have attempted it a few times but I dont think I have done enough research into it and the link that Jack412 gave me made it seem so much easier than i was thinking it was.

I will start looking after myself, i want to and i need to or i wont have much of a life.

I am in my 2nd week of no smoking as well so I know that I want to make a difference to my health.

I will just need to start lurking about this site a little more often to give me when I need a bit of support.

thanks everyone :)
 
Last edited by a moderator:
If you are able to start with a small reduction in carbs from your normal diet you will begin to see you need smaller boluses whilst getting better blood sugar results. Through trial and error you will find a level of carb intake in your diet where you can achieve a good balance between insulin, food and weight. Diabulimia confuses the priority of insulin in the equation putting weight as the main consideration and insulin in a dangerously unhealthy last position.

It took me a long time to stop regarding insulin as the big bad monster that would cause me to gain weight and realise that I can do a lot to moderate my boluses in a healthy way through my diet rather than my previous very unhealthy way.

Good luck with it and the no smoking as well. Take care.
 
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