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Couple of quickies to brighten your day

nomoredonuts

Well-Known Member
Messages
1,848
Location
West Country
Type of diabetes
Treatment type
Tablets (oral)
Dislikes
Current American Presidents.
A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, exactly 97% were too lazy to read that number.
 
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.
 
My colleague told me that an onion is the only food that can make you cry.

So I threw a coconut at his head.
 
When you cry, no one sees your pain
When you're scared, no one sees your fear

BUT - Pass wind just once.......
 
Confusius say:
Only when mosquito land on testicle is possible to solve problem using thought, not violence
 
I love summer in Yorkshire - last year it was on a Thursday
 
This actually happened. My nephew Marc went into a Starbucks and ordered his coffee. When the barista asked for his name, he said Marc, with a "c" ". When the drink arrived, he saw written, "Cark".
D'oh!
 
You'll never be as lazy as the guy who first named the fireplace.
 
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How many of us spend ten minutes rearranging the dishwasher, rather than just washing that extra thing by hand?
 
Blonde goes to the doctor.
"Doctor, I'm such terrible pain and I don't know what's wrong. When I touch my arm, here, it hurts. When I touch my shoulder, here, it really hurts. When I touch my ear, that hurts too and when I touch my knee, like this, it really, REALLY, hurts. Whatever do you think is wrong with me?"
"You've broken your finger".
 
I think I originally got this one from here.

On a flight to Toronto a blonde had sat in a first class seat for which she didn't have a ticket and was not inclined to move for anyone. The captain had a word with her and told her that the front half of the plane wasn't going to Toronto.
 
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in more light

(Why don't my smilies work on my kindle?)
 
I lost the pub quiz in my local by one point last week.
The question was:
"Where do women mostly have curly hair?"



Apparently its Africa.
 
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking up he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman explains " if you can jump up and pull one of them down, you get free beer all night. But if you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?"
The man thinks about it for a moment, then says,
"Nah - the steaks are too high."
 
"Doctor Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

"Don't worry, I've got some cream for that."
 
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter.
 
Oh dear, nomoredonuts, there's scraping the bottom of the barrel you are!

We're going to try & get a mobile home here next year. It's only 5 miles away from where we are now, but seems to sum us up better....

 
Something for the Lay-deez

There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.
They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
 
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