So sorry to hear your story, kevo.
I think if you speak to other's who have experienced depression, they will more or less all have a story to tell of bad choices and actions that had consequences, and many feel bewildered and confused as to how they managed to **** up so badly
The thing is, when you are depressed you can't really tell that you are not thinking clearly, and it can feel as if you inhabit the body, but another entity has taken over the drivers seat with the sole intention of making you suffer
It passes. And once it's passed and you see what you have done/said , be very very kind to yourself. At the time of making those decisions or taking those actions, you truly were
not yourself . This is not absolving yourself of all responsibility, just recognising that you are human, and humans are fallible, especially when ill or stressed . I feel that we judge ourselves and punish ourselves far more harshly than we ever would another, and the things we say to ourselves in our minds we wouldn't dream about saying to another person.
Other people's reactions to how we behave when depressed can vary, some can forgive through understanding, other's can't , but the important thing is to forgive yourself. Recognising you made mistakes, acknowledging them, apologising where possible and if impossible, apologise anyway. It's the intent and genuineness that matter. Talk to others. If you have no-one to talk to , or feel that you can't write it all down, then burn or bury the paper. Talk to a stone about how you feel, then bury the stone deep. Know that every cell in your body replaces itself ,and as it does so, you are no longer the person you have been, but renewed and open to all new possibilities.
And now I'll shut the **** up before someone presses the "Hippy Alert " button
But you are not the only one, not by a long shot.
Signy