Diabetes, life and all that - personal diary

Guys

Apologies for not posting earlier.

I now realize that the last time I posted was when I spent the night in the ER, fearing the worst for my dad.

My dad was eventually admitted into the respiratory disease word suffering with pneumonia. He spent about ten days there before being well enough to be released back to the nursing home. So all is well at the moment.

I have been suffering with a bad dose of the flue myself and trying to manage that as well as a very busy period at work. Fortunately I am better now just the last remnants of a cough left. I was even able to go on one of my walks today for the first time in a couple of weeks.

Thank you all for your concern and wishes. They are very much appreciated.

Once again, I apologize for not coming back to update you earlier. It was wrong of me to leave matters hanging as they were.

P

Finally been able to get out get out for a morning walk again today.

Five and a half kilometers through glorious morning sunshine.



We seem to be running ahead of the season, the temperature feels unusually warm and flowers seem to be in bloom earlier this year.



I really must exploit this to get back into the habit of regular walking.

Have a great day everyone!

Pavlos

Another 5,5km walk today. Two days in a row now. Not quite a trend yet but getting there.

Took a couple of minutes at the end of my walk to look round the garden and admire these beautiful calla lilies.




Normally they bloom around Easter time but they seem to be early this year.



Catching the pearl of dew glistening in the morning sunshine served to remind me that beauty and pleasure can be found in the smallest and most trivial of things.



To be honest this came as a very welcome relief to thoughts that have been straying to some pretty dark places this morning.

I am not having the happiest of times the moment for reasons that I can not quite pinpoint.

I find myself asking questions about my life that I am not sure I want to know the answers to.

I am trying to struggle my way through it hoping that, if I do,things will work out or I will start looking at things in a brighter light again.

Just one of those phases I guess.

Pavlos

Thank you all for your words of support.

Of course we all are have our demons .

In many ways it is through fighting these demons, through visiting our dark places, that we grow and gain insight into our human nature.

There is a price to pay for understanding and empathy and for me it seems to be periods of introspection and melancholia.

The irony is that I am very much aware that I will be alright in the end. That if I keep smiling and going through the motions of my everyday life, the dark feelings will all go away and I will be ok.

In fact no one will have caught on that anything was ever wrong with me. Least of all my family. I make sure that they are shielded from that side of me.

Which, in a very unfair way, makes me feel even more "invisible" and insignificant. Part of me is even annoyed with them for not seeing through my deception.

To be honest it is not even about diabetes; or at least not mainly about diabetes.

It's about all of it.

My life.

My role on this earth.

What difference I do or do not make to anyone.

What I have or have not achieved.

I will be fifty this April and that is a large part of it.

I also have my dad, or what has been left of my dad after the strokes have taken their toll, to serve as a foretelling of a possible future to come.

I feel silly even writing these things down. It all sounds such stereotypical mid life crisis angst.

Part of me is laughing about it. But part of me knows that stereotypical or not these issues are real to me at the moment, and since I do not allow them to surface in my real life I am at least acknowledging them in this virtual one.

I do not expect any responses to this from anyone.

These are questions we each have to answer for ourselves.

I hope I do not give the impression that I am wallowing in self pity, because that is not really the case.

I feel like I am at a point where I have some issues to work through with myself but I feel capable of doing so.

I have always said that I consider myself to have been blessed in my life, for a great many reasons. Whether I have made the best of my blessings is another question.

The road not taken will always be a source of fascination.

P.