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Do you blame yourself for complications? Dealing with guilt.
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<blockquote data-quote="weeezer" data-source="post: 254319" data-attributes="member: 41342"><p><strong>Re: Do you blame yourself for complications? Dealing with gu</strong></p><p></p><p>i'm a T1 12 years this may. was never taught to match my insulin with carbs...i've always kinda 'guessed' it! was given doses and i would just kind of eat stuff...was told to always include starchy carbs in meals. A1c always been good, but i've only recently realised this is because i swing from hypo to hyper daily. maybe not daily, some days i manage to keep between 4-8. others 2-18!</p><p></p><p>i have always had an 'issue' with weight (although since gaining 5 stone in each of my pregnancies, in particular the last one, where i was HUGE, - i realise i was always an average weight, i just thought i was big) - so through the years i 'under-injected' every now & again -no real problems with that ay? no lightening bolt came out of the sky! (the storms come later i now realise) i would wake up to it and always get myself on the straight and narrow quickly, and these phases didn't show in A1c. only recently am i thinking all the double figures are coming back to haunt me.</p><p></p><p>my 2 full-term pregnancies have been the best control i've ever had, A1c's in 5's. had 2 miscarriages and think i was in denial about BS causing them. after i had my baby girl in dec 2009, my eye screening in april 2010 showed background retinopathy, i crapped myself, thinking,i've caused this. i kinda ignored it hoping it would go away, but last years screening showed same. i'm v worried about what shows up this year as one of my eyes gets quite blurry. </p><p></p><p>i'm always completely frazzled and swing from 2 opinions: i'm older, bit o/weight still & quite unfit (trying to change that with lots of spin classes!!) and have a 2 yr old that DOESN'T sleep yaaawwwwwn. OR...i've caused myself damage over the years and my heart isn't working properly because it's been crystallised in sugar (trying to make light, but sometimes really scares me!). (oh and indigestion = gastroparesis, a numb foot from when i sit on it or wear heels = neuropathy. as you can see i am one of life's worriers!) </p><p></p><p>it's only really recently that i've realised what a life sentence it is to have diabetes. i know many will jump to disagree but i have NEVER felt this way before, i was never 'warned' properly by the diabetes nurses/specialists...they've always just looked at ok A1c's and sent me on my merry way, so this was good enough for me. now it's biting me on the bottom a bit i feel powerless as to previous control - i wish i could go back & tell myself there would be consequences to 'sometimes ok' and 'sometimes erratic' control. </p><p></p><p>so yes, i 'blame' myself, for complications that maybe starting to surface (they also may just be a figment of my overactive hypochondria which has recently exploded), the retinopathy- and for losing 2 very much longed for babies. </p><p></p><p>i'm trying to change my way of thinking/dealing with diabetes. like using a low carb diet (it conflicts so with what i was originally taught) and am learning alot from this forum. i know we can halt complications with tight control, but even that is a daily struggle. i'm hoping this forum will light the way forward onto the next part of diabetic life. it certainly beats the care & advice i've EVER had from DSN's/specialists etc. we are certainly not alone in the world are we.</p><p></p><p>that's enough negativity from me. on a lighter note, it's friday! which means a nice bottle of red wine will be opened after kids are in bed! that thought will keep me goin til 9pm!!!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="weeezer, post: 254319, member: 41342"] [b]Re: Do you blame yourself for complications? Dealing with gu[/b] i'm a T1 12 years this may. was never taught to match my insulin with carbs...i've always kinda 'guessed' it! was given doses and i would just kind of eat stuff...was told to always include starchy carbs in meals. A1c always been good, but i've only recently realised this is because i swing from hypo to hyper daily. maybe not daily, some days i manage to keep between 4-8. others 2-18! i have always had an 'issue' with weight (although since gaining 5 stone in each of my pregnancies, in particular the last one, where i was HUGE, - i realise i was always an average weight, i just thought i was big) - so through the years i 'under-injected' every now & again -no real problems with that ay? no lightening bolt came out of the sky! (the storms come later i now realise) i would wake up to it and always get myself on the straight and narrow quickly, and these phases didn't show in A1c. only recently am i thinking all the double figures are coming back to haunt me. my 2 full-term pregnancies have been the best control i've ever had, A1c's in 5's. had 2 miscarriages and think i was in denial about BS causing them. after i had my baby girl in dec 2009, my eye screening in april 2010 showed background retinopathy, i crapped myself, thinking,i've caused this. i kinda ignored it hoping it would go away, but last years screening showed same. i'm v worried about what shows up this year as one of my eyes gets quite blurry. i'm always completely frazzled and swing from 2 opinions: i'm older, bit o/weight still & quite unfit (trying to change that with lots of spin classes!!) and have a 2 yr old that DOESN'T sleep yaaawwwwwn. OR...i've caused myself damage over the years and my heart isn't working properly because it's been crystallised in sugar (trying to make light, but sometimes really scares me!). (oh and indigestion = gastroparesis, a numb foot from when i sit on it or wear heels = neuropathy. as you can see i am one of life's worriers!) it's only really recently that i've realised what a life sentence it is to have diabetes. i know many will jump to disagree but i have NEVER felt this way before, i was never 'warned' properly by the diabetes nurses/specialists...they've always just looked at ok A1c's and sent me on my merry way, so this was good enough for me. now it's biting me on the bottom a bit i feel powerless as to previous control - i wish i could go back & tell myself there would be consequences to 'sometimes ok' and 'sometimes erratic' control. so yes, i 'blame' myself, for complications that maybe starting to surface (they also may just be a figment of my overactive hypochondria which has recently exploded), the retinopathy- and for losing 2 very much longed for babies. i'm trying to change my way of thinking/dealing with diabetes. like using a low carb diet (it conflicts so with what i was originally taught) and am learning alot from this forum. i know we can halt complications with tight control, but even that is a daily struggle. i'm hoping this forum will light the way forward onto the next part of diabetic life. it certainly beats the care & advice i've EVER had from DSN's/specialists etc. we are certainly not alone in the world are we. that's enough negativity from me. on a lighter note, it's friday! which means a nice bottle of red wine will be opened after kids are in bed! that thought will keep me goin til 9pm!!!!! [/QUOTE]
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