Groanworthy?

A man walks into a bar and sees two large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the bartender "hey, what's with the meat?"

"I bet everyone who comes in here $100 they can't pull one of them down" replied
the bartender. "Care to try?"

"No", the man says, "the steaks are too high."

A blind man enters a bar and finds his way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind
guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky,
deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that
joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the
bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a
black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is
blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a
blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister.
You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him.
The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are
these penguins in your truck?”

The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road.
He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck,
but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to
take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and enquired
of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: "You bring your
grades up from a C to a B average, study your bible a little, and
get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car".

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle
for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your
grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your
Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut".

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and
I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,
John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair. And there's
even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair".


To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'

It's midnight, and a Marine is driving from Tacoma to Atlanta,
and a para is driving from Atlanta to Tacoma. There are no
other cars on the road and they hit each other head on and
both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Marine manages to climb out of his car and surveys the
damage. He looks at his twisted car and says; ”Man, I am really
lucky to be alive!” Likewise the para scrambles out of his car
and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself; “I can’t believe
I survived this wreck!”

The Marine walks over to the para and says; “Hey man, I think
this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty
differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals”.

The para thinks for a moment and says; “You know, you’re
absolutely right! We should be friends".

The Marine says "I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck”.
So he pops open his boot and finds a full, unopened bottle of
Jack Daniels whisky. He says to the para “I think this is another
sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding
and friendship”

The para replies, “You’re absolutely right!” and he grabs the bottle
and starts guzzling down the whisky. After putting away nearly
half the bottle the para hands it back to the Marine and says, “That
was good! Your turn!”

The Marine puts the cap back on the bottle and says; “Nah, I think I’ll wait for the cops to arrive.”

A couple turned up at a fancy dress party, the man giving
the girl a piggyback.

The man's face was painted green and he had a red mask
over his eyes.

"So what have you come as?" asked the host.

"I'm one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," said the man.

"And what about her?" asked the host, indicating the girl.

"That's Michelle!"

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 91 lbs.

I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had
a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired
and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
I was starting the Purina diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way that it
works is to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days.
He says it could be a lot worse, I could be trapped
inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

A bloke is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up
the snail and throws it as far as he can.

A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and
sees the same snail.

The snail says, “What was that all about?”

My wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country
and pulled over to fill up our car's petrol tank and tyres.

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the
tyres and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?"

I responded, "Inflation."