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Hated for being diabetic

J

J9sunshine

Newbie
Messages
3
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Tablets (oral)
hi there,

So there aren’t many people I can share this with. No-one at all actually...

I recently moved in with my boyfriend and well.. his sister..

His mother is a diabetic and we really bonded over being diabetics. I’ve just recently been diagnosed and she had a wealth of knowledge. I thought we got a long really well.. (she does not live with or near us)

This weekend, I got kicked out of our home, booked into a guesthouse because his mother didn’t want to see me because.... she decided she hates me because I’m diabetic... she has strongly advised that her son stop dating me because I’m a diabetic and that I’m going to have serious complications down the line and her son should date someone healthy to secure a good future for himself.

He’s fighting relentlessly with his mom telling her how messed up her school of thought is, but I’m so so hurt. It feeds my deepest insecurity of not being worthy of love and now someone pretty much put it in words. It’s hard to recover from such hateful words. I feel like leper and an outcast because of something that I did not ask for.

Anyone else been discriminated against for being a diabetic?
 
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Hi @J9sunshine I can't claim to have been discriminated against in this way, especially so brutally. When I first went out with my wife to be 38 years ago, I was a brittle Type 1, and it was mentioned that she was going for someone who needed a lot of care. I was never made unwelcome. I wonder why your boyfriend's mum has suddenly changed her view? It sounds like another person has given her a thoroughly distorted view which in no way mirrors that of your boyfriend.
The first thing I would like to say is that you are in no way unworthy or an outcast. Like me raising a 34 year old daughter, his mother has proved that in spite of having a complicated condition, she raised a son who is "perfectly" healthy and has chosen a girl with the same condition as hers. If you take her words literally, your boyfriend might have decided to go out with Miss Perfect, whatever that means, and find that she develops some health problem shortly afterwards. Most people out there have a health condition of some sort. Going back to when I was diagnosed Type 1, treatment was very primitive. I suspect it had improved dramatically by the time your boyfriend's mum had been diagnosed. If you have just been diagnosed, you stand an infinitely better chance of going through life without complications. Your boyfriend sounds like he is a worthy man. The others at the moment have made themselves outcasts. I wish you the very best of luck.
 
Who exactly was it that made you homeless?
 
I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. So going by how she thinks then my guess is she thinks she shouldn't be his mother either after all she is likely to get complications and he needs a stronger mum? lol. You see how ridiculous her thinking is? Also of concern is that he is letting his mother pick his partner for him.... so probably means he is still hanging on those apron strings.... imagine the headache that would be as a partner. I hope things look up for you. I wish you the best.
 
Sorry to hear the problems you are having. Correct me if I’m wrong but do you mean you were kicked out just for the weekend while your boyfriend’s mother visited?
As I see it you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and if she doesn’t want to see you then she shouldn’t come to your home. If she wants to see her son then they should arrange to meet elsewhere. Is that possible? There’s no way I would be driven from my own home because of someone else’s ‘messed up school of thought’. Would your boyfriend support this way of managing things?
All the best, let us know how you get on.
 
What a silly woman. You know that dont you?
And she is diabetic too? Maybe she wants to be the only diabetic in her son's life.
If it wasn't the diabetes it would be something else. I assure you.
A twisted minded woman who needs her own counselling. It seems.

You know any mother-in-law to be can have their own hiccups about themselves.
Luckily you have us for support.

Pity the woman and encourage her son to advise a bit counselling for her. Sympathise.
Maybe she sees her diabetes unpreventable but yours as preventable but we are all wise after the event. I bet she's no expert in your diabetes, just maybe her own. We are all different.
Many couldn't prevent their genetical diabetes, no matter what their health and lifestyle status or how they change it.
 
I suspect she is frightened. She is most likely a diabetic who still believes the old perception of it all, ie you will die young and with horrible complications, you will be ill all through your life, you will be restricted and lose a leg...well, need I go on. I imagine (because of her own situation and approach to it), she thinks you will be a burden to her son like she (imagines) she is. As for combating this, it's hard to advise without knowing her or how she manages it or doesn't. I think I would take the approach of meeting just with her (if she will) and talking it all over, tell her how you approach it, how you feel, how you manage it etc. Normally with a person like this I would say 'bye' but it's your boyfriend's Mum and she will always be his Mum, best to try and get on with her if you can. There IS a reason why she has suddenly taken a dislike to you (well, not you, your diabetes)and I will bet that it is all tied up with HER loathing of her own condition. x
 
I have to say, @J9sunshine , I'm in agreement with @KK123 to a very large extent. My knee jerk reaction when I read your post was that she herself may have recently had some unwelcome news; either about herself, or someone she knows, and is dealing with it by distancing you.

Sometimes when people have a bit of a shock, they react a bit unexpectedly, and often in a way you'd least expect, by comparison to how they live their day to day lives.
 
I am so sorry @J9sunshine, that this has happened to you.

And that your guy is not handling it so well I think? (By sending you off out of your shared home when his mother comes to stay?) (BTW - you two are not dating! You two are living together! Rather a different kettle of fish.)

Ultimately I am an optimist and think - love will win out! I hope this is the case for you two.

If you were my daughter, or my niece (well, you get the picture), I would be extremely concerned outwardly as I am here, that you were protected in this. ie - I disagree that an alone 1-1 meeting with your guy's mother is the right thing to do. Number one priority is your emotional safety, and physical safety too perhaps? (Toxic inlaws/outlaws can sometimes also be physically aggressive, and I am counting your guy's mother as a toxic mother in law type.) (Excuse me if I am being very blunt.)

The fact is, type two (I have no idea about type 1 in this regard) is very sensitive to stress. It's a natural part of how our hormones and our blood glucose works - if we are highly stressed in particular our flight or fight hormones are activated and extra blood glucose is secreted in order to deal with either of those things, and this is often not a good thing for us, as you know, if we already have elevated blood glucose levels. Your guy's mother may not be aware of these things - let's be generous here! And say she is not. If she is - shame on her! (Well, shame on her generally!)

As with posters above, I too see her as doing a projection thing on you - she is experiencing some fear over her own future with T2D, and maybe some strange self loathing, and projecting it all on to you.

The fact that she is a fool goes without saying, if again I may be blunt and actually say it! One of the things I have in the forefront of my own mind is keeping my own health as good as I can, with a very stubborn IR T2D, in order to be able to play with and help look after prospective grandchildren one day - something in the minds of many middle-aged women at the best of times. And the children of one's sons - one must be in good with your grandchildren's mother loaded with heaps of respect and mother-in-lawish nurturing! Not the complete opposite.

This is a challenge for you for sure, and for your guy - absolutely. Save those one to one deep and meaningful conversations for your guy (I would say) - he is the important one in this picture, and it is absolutely important that he look out for your best interests here, and in the interests of your improving health, and support you, and yes - protect you from his very very very misguided mother!

If that does not happen - well. That is another conversation?

Keep us posted!
 
ps - I should say - I don't see this as a discrimination issue as much as a screwed up family dynamic! I should have put that in first.
 
J9sunshine said:
Anyone else been discriminated against for being a diabetic?
Click to expand...

The answer to your question is No. The reason is that I don't know any nutcases and would ignore them if I did.

Sorry to hear you're experiencing this treatment but perhaps you could look at it this way. The next time the mother comes to visit, you can now say that you have personally tried the guesthouse where she will be staying in future.

J9sunshine said:
It feeds my deepest insecurity of not being worthy of love and now someone pretty much put it in words.
Click to expand...

That someone isn't exactly an authority on anything, so, please try not to listen to her, she's demented. Diabetes is a pain in the backside but it doesn't have any special effect on our worthiness. In fact I reckon that in some ways it makes us special, more determined to get on with life and do the very best we can in everything we do.

It never stopped people like Halle Berry (Actress), Christopher Biggins (TV entertainer), Tom Hanks (actor), Larry King (TV?Radio Host), Patti LaBelle (singer), Mary Tyler Moore (actress), Billy Jean King (Tennis player), Stever Redgrave (Rower and Olympic Gold Medal winner), Aretha Franklin (Singer, sadly passed away), Chaka Khan (Singer), Jimmy Tarbuck (comedian), Theresa May (guess). They're just the names I recognised, the list I found is much bigger.

If anyone is concerned about life expectancy, my father has been type II for over 30 years and even as a naughty badly behaved diabetic, he's reached 91. His sister, a type I for almost all her life reached 85 and even then it was a fall that caused her end. It might be anecdotal and may not prove much, but diabetic outcomes are not necessarily predictable in all cases, especially if it's well controlled.

All the best.
 
Hi @J9sunshine, From what you relate it is your mother-in-law who is the problem not you !!
Any adverse feelings from others I have experienced as a T1D have been from persons with an inadequate knowledge and understanding of diabetes.
As diabetics we may well have had the fear of diabetic complications drummed into us by the some of the so called 'helping professions" as their way of motivating (= terrifying ) us to comply with treatment. Your mother-in-law may well have been subject to such abuse and this could be colouring her outlook. So fear generated and not allowed to be assuaged by knowledge of all the advances in treatment (meters, pumps CGM etc etc).
Be aware too that parents in their desperation may sometimes resort to emotional blackmail to get their way. What she may not have bargained for is that her opposition will only make your boyfriend (and perhaps his sister) more determined to be for you and back you up.
I am unsure of your age, or that of your boyfriend's but if you are both adults by law neither of you are subject to your parents' wishes, orders or demands. And if your mother-in-law is not on the lease of the house you were living at what right does she have to kick you out? Why cannot she be in the guesthouse?
Best Wishes for a resolution of sorts but also try to get on with your lives and prove to this Mother in law wrong about diabetes!!
 
Hi, this is a dynamic that’s a little difficult to unravel but it seems that you’ve been put, unfairly, in the position of the black sheep, the target of a toxic family situation.
You say that you moved in with your boyfriend and his sister but then say nothing more about his well . . . sister. Do you get on with her? Is she also his mother’s daughter? What role did she play in your having to move out?
Is there anything specific that may have led to your boyfriend’s mother turning from friend to foe? Maybe she has mental health problems?
Have you had a chance to talk one to one with your boyfriend yet? You say he supports you but I’m wondering why he was powerless to prevent your moving out. Is it his place or his sister’s?
Nobody should be discriminated against because they have diabetes and I’m shocked that you have been. It’s time to stand up for yourself and be firm about what you expect from your boyfriend and his family!
 
She sounds like my mother in law!!! Her view was her son was perfect and NO one in the world was good enough for him!! When our son was finally diagnosed with a very rare disease, she made a special phone call to me to say "it was all my fault because her son COULD NOT have any faulty genes! I was always being told by her that I was not good enough for her son!

Take my advice and don't get mixed up with that family, you will never be right. Sorry but it never stopped for me.

Good luck to you for what ever you decide, you do not deserve all the hassel.

Have a big hug!!
 
Gene manufacturers sometimes have a lot to answer for !!
 
I'd say "sod her" and get on with what you and your boyfriend having going. You shouldn't have had to move out and I agree that if she wants to come and visit, she stays in the guest house. Diabetes is not the plague, it's something we deal with. End of!
 
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