This is going to be another difficult post for me because I will be revealing far too much of the real me, but luckily I am going to be really busy for the next few days so my available computer time will be less so I will have a while to recover from it.
Well, I should have listened to you all, it's not safe walking where I walk every day but I am addicted to it now and just need that 'fix' every day. This morning I left the house at 4.45 and walked one of the longer routes. Then I heard a familiar voice....the lady with the dogs....she said 'Hello' (Yes,stupidly I forgot about the Hell bit...) I was totally unprepared for what happened next because my brain heard my mouth saying "Oh, hi, can I walk with you for a bit?" My brain was screaming "NO DON'T DO THIS", but the rest of me had other ideas. She showed me her route, we talked for 10 whole minutes and we watched the sunrise together. This was not in my plan at all, I have no wish to even begin to get to know any more women, I have three close female friends (who don't know each other) and I do not want to give anyone else even the slightest chance of getting into my life. I cannot risk getting hurt again.
OK, a bit of background information. I was an only child, we had a farm. During my pre-school years I only socialised with 3 of my cousins (boys) and 2 neighbours (boys). When I got to school the teacher sat me next to a boy who was slightly older saying 'there, a quiet boy and a quiet girl together'. When the class was moved around a few weeks later I found myself sitting next to a girl and we became friends. One day 2 new girls (sisters) turned up and my friend said that she wasn't my friend anymore because she wanted to play with these 2 new girls. I said 'OK, but I am still your friend' and went off to play with the boys. We had nick names in the first couple of years at school, mine was Cassie (after Cassius Clay, because I won all my fights....do you see how appropriate that quote from Rocky was now?) I stopped fighting at about age 7 and from ages 7-11 I had quite a few friends who were girls.
I helped my dad on the farm quite a bit and that's how I messed up the joint in my left foot. He used to get me to help him unhitch wagons from the tractor and one day, when I was 14, he had a 'new' wagon which was in fact a lot older than his others, and the drawbar was heavy - iron, so when I tried to hold it loosely with one hand as he drove away it was too heavy and I dropped it on my foot. The thing is, I was concentrating on getting out of the way quickly because the tractors never had decent brakes, so I never really thought about the rest of the equation. My dad was annoyed because there was work to do and I had fainted with the pain, he simply said "well since you're hurt so you'd better drive the tractor."
So back to this morning, why did I make the stupid mistake of talking to that woman? - because of this thread, because I have enjoyed chatting to all of you, male and female, and that has lulled me into a false sense of security. This is fine because you're not real, I just have to flick a switch and you're not there anymore. I also only ever speak to you from one room, even when I am borrowing my son's laptop, it's always the same room, you can't invade the rest of the house. I kind of wish I had stuck to my original plan, which was to tell you very little and just do updates, but TBH that would have been pointless, it wouldn't have worked. So here I am confused and scared again. The songs in my head today are - I believe in you - Sinead O'Connor ( a good friend lent me this to help me through a really bad time, I have cried to the words of that song so many times) and The Scientist - Coldplay because it isn't easy, this is the hardest thing I have ever done, but hey Jamrox you are right I am facing my demons and they are all going to be kicked out of my life, all except one which I will have to learn to cope with better.