@Andy12345 thanks for what you said last night. I know you are right, but it's because I had such a strong reaction to such a stupid incident that I knew there was something 'there' which needed dealing with. Thanks for everything you said. It's helped me motivate myself for my walk this morning.
Right, I need to say this.... 'please, don't try this at home'. I did because I know I have an adequate support network here, near my home, that I can call on if I really need help. This particular day when I was 6 years old has been revisited several times, for different reasons. So, I knew there weren't going to be huge shocks for me there last night (that happened 13 years ago, when I first revisited it.) If I had discovered a brand new memory, I would have left it alone until I could talk to a friend about it. Remember, when Pandora's box has been opened it can't all be put back in again.
@Avocado Sevenfold Yes, I kind of knew it was my job to comfort the little girl. I couldn't do it for a couple of hours because I was cross with her for messing up my life. She's fine now, she just has to grow up in her own time. Thanks for your support in my hour of need.
OK. I have a day to myself. What to do.....?
Zand, I have only just noticed your thread and your problems yesterday. I am glad you are feeling better, but I want to share something with you that may make sense to what happened.
I want to talk about the 'tidy-drawer'... you know the kind where you stuff things in when you are tidying up and can't be bothered to put it in the right place. Our memories are like that. They are filled with all sorts, odds and ends and as we grow older the 'tidy-drawer' is so full that you can't shut it anymore.
Out spill things, long forgotten, long dismissed by the adult-me but kept by the child-me who put it there... and they spill out in the form of depression, anxiety, fear, paranoia, self-harm, compulsive or comfort eating.
What we need to do is to empty the drawer, look at the contents and throw away all those things that no longer belong in there. Your childhood memory of being shouted at by your mother without understanding the reason, and thinking it unfair, is one of those memories that you can look at with the adult-me eyes and dismiss as something that was your mother's fault (for misinterpreting or misunderstanding something you allegedly had done). Look at all the 'items' and then put back what you still need. You will find there is now enough space in the 'tidy-drawer' to not throw depression, anxiety, etc. in your face again.
How do you do it in practice? You do what you did yesterday... Start thinking why it is you feel like this. Writing helps. Type a 'letter' about your emotions, what you feel, what you resent, what you want. If you can type fast you will find surprising things come out that you were not even aware on the conscious level. Once you look at what you wrote with the adult eyes, many things can be seen as not your fault in the first place. Children always think everything is their fault. You are an adult and you know better now.
I hope you will not feel like yesterday again, but if you do, why not phone the Samaritans and just talk through your feelings. Talking (or writing) tends to help.
Hugs xx