Idiots with products to review

So testing products on Amazon and writing reviews was kind of a thing I did for a while. It was fun and it led to a lot of decent loot. And it kept me writing when I literally couldn't have strung a sentence together about my personal situation. Go me. Best product I ever tested: an LED colour changing, motion activated "light show" that you put in your toilet. And 1500 fake acorns. I still don't know why they exist. Except that you can call them "Fakorns" and that still makes me giggle.

Though it's been well over a year since I wrote my last review, I still get constantly contacted by people hawking their wares and needing someone to write something nice about their ****. And I understand the process and have a certain amount of sympathy, but it bothers me hugely when these emails are rude, complacent or just plain sloppy.

I woke up grumpy. So "James" got short shrift:

"James" said:

Subject: FREE PRODUCT SEND YOU to TEST
To: A bazillion other people whose email addresses James has helpfully not hidden, and me.

Hi dear,

Hope you are keeping well!

Now we have free product need you to review, it is totally free and comes with some other rewards if your review is constructive for the improvement of our product.

Please contact me (just reply this email) if you are willing to do this.

Looking forward to your reply.

Best gards,
James

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My reply...

Hi James,

1. I'm not your dear. You're not a member of my family, you don't give the first **** about my health so please try to keep all correspondence professional. Thanks.
2. When emailing a HUGE list of people, do remember to BCC everybody. That way I can't horrendously embarrass you in front of every single one of your contacts.
3. Do go to the trouble of linking the item and bother listing what "the other rewards" might be. Let's not forget, you're not doing me a favour by asking me to spend my time reviewing your ****.
4. Not being able to bring yourself to type "Best regards" fully smacks of the worst kind of insincerity. This doesn't make you cool, this makes you an *******.
5. If you work for a company, do make that clear otherwise you're just some random guy emailing me for attention on the internet.

Please immediately remove my email from my list and do not contact me again.

gards

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Maybe I should have added a 6th point: "And absolutely do not try to pull this **** on me when I've got my period."

The idiots have taken over the asylum!

Already 3 people have replied to my email! Poor James is in for a rough lesson in email etiquette today, I think.

JTL said:

Why would you put motion detected flashing lights in the toilet and doesn't it get a bit messy?

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This is exactly why I opted to review it. Plus, at the time, Euan was experimenting with upright peeing, so something that amused him when he streamed on target seemed like a good plan.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Topist-Toi...r=1-1&keywords=motion+sensor+led+toilet+light

It was, for about a month, the most hilarious thing ever. And then we both got upset tummies...

I like reviewing stuff on Amazon. And I like reading the reviews, too. Some of them are ludicrously funny:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/BIC-Her-Medium-Ballpoint-Pen/product-reviews/B004FTGJUW

Also: My email has now received 11 replies, ranging from "Here here lol" to "A/S/L?" (my reply to the latter was "Are we on AIM in 1999? Stop it and go away." If I get any really good ones, I'll post them here.

A couple more emails over night, but - weirdly - ones filled with incredible hatred. One, in particular, attacked me for getting "angry" with the Chinese and suggested I direct my anger in a different (and very specific and Islamaphobic) direction. It's not worth repeating except the fact that they signed the email itself anonymously, apparently not understanding that her name and email address were still perfectly visible.

That one got a less funny reply from me, which was also shared with the police.