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Just had some news about my mum

S

sandymaynard

Well-Known Member
Messages
696
I phoned myt mum last night, And she informed me that she has been suffering kidney failure for last 5 years!
She then informed me that tests have proved this last week that she is stage 5! I am for once in my life stumped of what to say to her! I was nearly crying but didnot want to allow her to hear me cry! I don't know what to do!
The sad thing is that i feel so alone and want to be able to help her! But how can i help when i am falling apart! I just want to make her better!
I know i can't she said that she has been warned that this is not good! I feel so sad and feel like crying! It is my birthday next monday, All i want to do is take it all away from her and make her better!
What do i do now!
I don't want to lose her, I am finally now just getting over my grandparents deaths that happened when i was 12 years old! that was 22 years ago!
I know my mum is 75! But i don't want to lose her not like this!
I am so scared right now!
Sandy
 
Hi Sandy.

Not a lot I can say really.
You and yours seem to be going through difficult times. Just remember we are all here thinking of you and hoping things will get better. You have to try and stay strong for your Mom. If you can do that and try not to stress yourself, that will be the best thing you can do for her, and avoid more complications for yourself.

Regards
Ken.
 
Hi Ken,
strange thing is that i knew something was not right with her when i went up for mothers day! She has been hiding it from me!
I love her to bits, I don't want to lose her! I know it will happen!
Sandy
 
Just be there for her Sandy.Sometimes it is better to cry together than cry alone.She may want to cry as well but feel she has to be strong for you!!If she will allow it, speak to her doctor,find out just what is going to happen so you can be prepared and be able to help her.It is a very difficult thing that we all have to cope with in our lives.We are here Sandy any time you want us.
 
Hi sugarless sue,
thank you for the kind words, I live in hampshire she lives in sheffield!
I asked her what the doctor said is the next step! She just said not alot, She said i am 75, Had a good life, Had my little Angel and yes she is talking about me! She then started talking about the way she wanted her funeral! I must admit that bit was hard! she knows that i was crying, I said no my hayfever was playing up!
She said okay love i believe you, she had a little chuckle with that! My fiancee said that he will take me up sheffield on my borthday, next monday to visit if i want! I want to. But i am scared to. She needs me to be strong for her!
I have to be strong for her partner as well! As she will fall to pieces when my mum dies, they have been together for 26 years this year! That is so sad!
I just want to be prepared of what to expect!
I said you know i do mum! Her answer was simple, Yes my love I know you love me and you have always been a mummy's girl! So yes this will be hard! But don't think bad! Think good things, holidays christmas etc!
Here i go now crying at the thought!
Sandy
 
Oh sandy!
no wonder you are sad. 75 is no age nowadays. Some improvement can happen to kidneys, even at stage 5, when the stress of wrong diet is taken off.
I hope your Mum can manage that. Most of all, she just knows how much you love her.
As I've said many times to pet owners coping with a loss, Pain is the price of love, but life would be so much less without it
I lost my Dad at 80 and still miss him almost daily, 20 years later. I still have my Mum at 91 and don't I appreciate it?
I love that we have 4 generations living.
Make the most of your time with your Mum and may there be a lot of it
 
Sandy

My father in law had end stage kidney failure when he was 72 and went on kidney dialysis.

All is not lost, your mum will be ok. My father in law actually enjoyed going to Hammersmith 3 days a week as it got him out of the house and the nursing staff at Hammersmith were lovely; always made a big fuss of him while he was there. A mini cab paid for by the hospital came and picked him up from his home and drove him to Hammersmith and then drove home again.


Edit

Sorry to hear your news Sandy. If things have gone past dialysis stage, then just try to be strong for your mum and her partner. I'm sure loads of us reading your thread will be thinking of you. Take Care
 
Hi goodbye and hanadr
Just had a phone call from mums partner she has been taken into hospital! To put not too fine point on it, she is weeing blood!
My mums partner says not to worry she is there by my mums side! My mum does not want me worrying!
Not about to happen!
I never knew my dad! I asked my mums partner how long they have been togther, I got the shock of my life, I thought 26 years! She said no my love Me and your mum have been together 50 years this september!
I was a only child! I never knew my dad! He got my mum pregnant as they asked him to if you know what i mean!
MY mum has always been there for me! Oh we have had crossed words when i was growing up! I think all mum and daughters fall out at some point!
I said that i wanted to come up on my birthday! My mum said she bans me from doing that! Yeap not going to listen, It is my birthday and i will cry if i want to!
My mum has got her favourite picture of me and her and her partner haley! We are all at butlins i was 7 years old! I had found the make up and tried to make myself look adult! Oh what a mess i made of myself!
But they took a family photo! My mum just said oh well needed new make up anyway!
Oh i will miss her dearly! Barely got any up to date photo's of her! I wanted to get family, of me Mum haley and my fiancee together!
I made her laugh on mothers day! I had interflora deliver flowers lovely basket of flowers, I creeped up behind the woman, and hid around the corner! I heard the oh are these for me, The woman said yes!
I waited for my mum to close the door of her bungalow gave it three minutes, Then sneaked around the back door, and knocked, she shouted who is it? My fiancee called back electric board come to check your meter!
She came to the door, I said hi mum! She then started crying! I told her that i was going away for mothers day! Made out i called from spain! I was stood at bottom of her garden at the time!
Ah bless her! I hate the thought of losing her! She knows this so does haley!
Sandy
 
Hi Sandy,
There are 5 stages of grief that we all go through, be it death or a traumatic occurrence, like being diagnosed with diabetes for instance.
They are, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
It sounds as though your Mum has accepted what will be .
Go there ,help her plan her funeral if that is what she wants to do,laugh, cry, say all the things that you want to say so that you can look back and smile at it and say, “I am at peace because I said everything I wanted to say and she knew that I loved her”.Remember the good ,past times with her.
Ask her where she wants to be, what she wants to happen. She may want interventions, she may not ,these are her choices to make .Above all just be there ,Sandy and don’t hold back.
 
Hi sue,
My mum's partner has been on the phone bless her! My mum has made a few decisions that she would like me to agree to! It would make her happy,
1. No intervension no medical assistance etc.
2. I have to go out on my brithday and enjoy it.
3.She needs to talk about the funeral.
4. She would like the chance for both of us to prepare for what is happening, if i need to talk and cry with her!

These are here decisions, I want to spend my birthday with her! but her partner says this is my mums wish! She said you know your mum! If you come down on 24th it is not your fault that you are still here on your borthday your car won't start!

I have a friends hen party tonight, I have cancelled it because i don't think I am up to being in a room where everybody else has a mum there and i don't! My friend say's she understands!
I explained what is happening! She said i will still set your place and we will still make sure that when photo's are taken that i will be in them! She gets married in september, I am chief bridesmaid!
Sandy
 
I thought my mother was dying nearly 30 years ago, and moved back to the area to be near her.

It was a typical medical **** up, but I stayed nearby and saw her and my father every couple of weeks until he died.

After my divorce I moved back in with her temporarily, then helped her sell her house and move here. (Mother in law loved her but my ex was one of the few people who didn't)

So yeah when she's gone I shall miss her a lot. But then she's getting to the stage where she is so limited in what she can still do that a good death would almost be preferable to a bad life.

That's probably the stage your mother has reached. It's hard to cope with until you think of the alternative, one of her oldest friends ended up blind deaf and incontinent but unable to die due to a triple bypass. It may be yours has seen something like this occur and knows it would be even worse for you, and everyone else.

I can only offer sympathy, and maybe some little glimmer of understanding from her point of view.

Make sure she knows how much you love her and how much she has helped you to be you!
 
Sandy
sounds like your mum's partner is carrying a lot of the burden for you both. What a wonderful woman. Follow her lead. She has obviously discussed a lot with your Mum. If your Mum wants to discuss her funeral, do as she asks and lets hope it isn't too soon. Then if it is, don't forget Haley, she will grieve too.
 
Your mum and her partner sound like amazing women

Remember that it is okay to cry, that you don't actually have to be strong all the time. Let her take the lead, if she wants to talk about her funeral and what she wants, go with it. There is such a thing as a good death, and that makes a huge difference to the living.

I'd also check to make sure that they have made suitable arrangemets for each other, wills and all that. People are often a bit hesitant to talk about about wills and stuff, but it is so important if there is not a legal relationship between a same sex couple, unless they have tied the Civil Partnership knot already.

Thinking of you.
 
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