Living with a partner with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes

pavlosn · Oct 29, 2014

Molly

I also think it is time you sat down and looked at what it is you are getting from this relationship. I have to say that from what you have posted so far it seems to me that the answer is "not a lot"; but it is always dangerous for an outsider to draw conclusions about other's relationships.

Having done so, I think that if you want some things to change you need to sit across the table with your partner and make him face some hard realities.

Perhaps an ultimatum will be the wake up call he needs.

If not, then I suspect you should save yourself the heartache that will surely come your way, living with a ticking bomb like him, and put an end to it now.

Do make sure that he understands that if he is willing to make the effort then you will support him all the way though.

Pavlos

poshtotty · Oct 29, 2014

Dear Molly,

I'm sorry to say that I have to agree with Pavlosn. I have a little experience of relationships and spent 6 months attending Relate sessions in an attempt to save one. It didn't save the relationship, but what I learned has saved me from making the same mistake again. During our weekly sessions spanning 6 months, we were both told in no uncertain terms that the relationship had lasted far longer than it should have done because I was putting in 95% of the effort and he was contributing only 5%. Does it ring any bells?

I was described by the counsellor as "happy, healthy and fully functioning" meaning I could continue working, caring for my family and socialising, despite all that was going on around me. It seems you are the same, although how long you can maintain your equilibrium, no-one knows. The fact that you are being so open and frank here, suggests you are reaching out for help and advice and need to offload. I think in your heart you realise the time will soon be approaching when you have to make a decision not to help your partner, but to help yourself. Shortly after our Relate sessions came to end, I was diagnosed T2. My friends and family believe it was triggered by the stress of the relationship over several years.

No one would blame you for walking away in order to save your own health and sanity. It isn't as if you haven't tried. We all need to see the fruits of our labours, and how you keep going, with no sign of improvement or willingness to change, I really don't know. Making changes can be scary, and some people actually prefer to stay where they are, because there is some comfort in the familiarity of being ill. Your partner may be one of these, but it seems he is dragging you down with him, because he refuses to let you lift him up. The imbalance in the relationship you describe is very clear to see as an outsider.

I do hope there is a shift soon which will allow you both to move forward, whether together or separately.

Diana x

donnellysdogs · Oct 29, 2014

@Molly56

Glad to have caught up with your postings.

First off, your photos are absolutely stunning. Ist class. Must admit that I would have got some on these printed on to canvas and displayed.

I hope that you can enjoy your needlework and that you will find this relaxing your frustrations away with your OH.

Along with others, I am concerned for you....It really just seems that you are his mother, not his lover.......if he can't love or care for himself, then he is incapable of loving or caring towards others.
I really wonder what it is about this man that makes you reticent to even give him any house rules.. In your own home?

Fantastic that you have enjoyed your food and maintained your weight whilst on holiday. That is fantastic. Good on you. It is so amazing that as the non diabetic in the relationship that it is you that is so aware now of your own dietary needs.

@Molly56, please give some thought as to what you get from this relationship, as other posters have expressed.. It just seems as if it is nothing to outsiders such as us and as he has been diabetic so long without giving a **** then he really is past the point of changing.

catherinecherub · Oct 29, 2014

If we didn't know any different this "relationship" could be described as going on between a mother and a rebellious teenager. It really is dysfunctional and the stress that it is causing you may have repercussions for you health wise at a later date if you carry on.

You cannot change someone but you can change how you react to their behaviour and it is time for you to make a decision. You cannot salvage a relationship where only one partner is actively trying to improve things. Trying to save someone who is hell bent on destruction is impossible. He has to want to change but he has shown no signs of it yet. He lives in your house, spends most of his time in bed, seems to be waited on and ignores your suggestions. What do you think he brings to this relationship and what woud you miss if he wasn't there?
How many years are you going to put up with this? Is it a scary proposition to be on your own?

graj0 · Oct 29, 2014

Molly56 said:
Butterfly pictures from holiday as promised.....technically the first one is a moth!

View attachment 7668 View attachment 7669 View attachment 7670 View attachment 7671 View attachment 7672 View attachment 7673 View attachment 7674

@donnellysdogs @graj0 @Enclave @pavlosn @connie104 @Scimama @this is too difficult two

Truly amazing, wonderful, now when I tell my other half that the moth/butterfly that I rescued from the pool in Crete (not quite Aruba) was the size of a tea plate, I've got some pictures to show her. Unfortunately after rescuing said moth/butterfly and getting my feet wet I proceeded to go base over apex on a polished marble floor and did something very nasty to my sciatic nerve. Spent the rest of the holiday sitting/laying down and watching 33 Chilean minors get extricated from a hole in the ground.

donnellysdogs · Oct 29, 2014

@catherinecherub @Molly56

You have just reminded me what our straightforward speaking counsellor said to us (me mainly).

"You cannot get OH to change, unless he wants to" then "if you're wanting the person that you met 20 years ago back, then you will have to stop, as he is never going to be that person again"

I was lucky... Even proving the Counsellor totally wrong.. My OH Did change, and he got better than the chap I met 20 years ago.

However, my OH realised that if our marriage was to survive then he needed to do something about it. It shook him to the core. He is truly the best, but he wanted to change.

It just so appears that your partner @Molly56 does not want to change at all. His declining health should be enough to have wanted to change, but he won't even do it with your loving and caring support so it really concerns me, especially reading @catherinecherub post as even medical persons haven't been able to change his attitude either...

I think everybody is concerned that you are really just being taken as a provider of a roof over your OH head and this is not your responsibilty...and that the relationship is going to affect your health in the future.. As it certainly is affecting your wellbeing at the moment.

Molly56 · Oct 29, 2014

donnellysdogs said:
@Molly56

Glad to have caught up with your postings.

First off, your photos are absolutely stunning. Ist class. Must admit that I would have got some on these printed on to canvas and displayed.

I hope that you can enjoy your needlework and that you will find this relaxing your frustrations away with your OH.

Along with others, I am concerned for you....It really just seems that you are his mother, not his lover.......if he can't love or care for himself, then he is incapable of loving or caring towards others.
I really wonder what it is about this man that makes you reticent to even give him any house rules.. In your own home?

Fantastic that you have enjoyed your food and maintained your weight whilst on holiday. That is fantastic. Good on you. It is so amazing that as the non diabetic in the relationship that it is you that is so aware now of your own dietary needs.

@Molly56, please give some thought as to what you get from this relationship, as other posters have expressed.. It just seems as if it is nothing to outsiders such as us and as he has been diabetic so long without giving a **** then he really is past the point of changing.

catherinecherub said:
If we didn't know any different this "relationship" could be described as going on between a mother and a rebellious teenager. It really is dysfunctional and the stress that it is causing you may have repercussions for you health wise at a later date if you carry on.

You cannot change someone but you can change how you react to their behaviour and it is time for you to make a decision. You cannot salvage a relationship where only one partner is actively trying to improve things. Trying to save someone who is hell bent on destruction is impossible. He has to want to change but he has shown no signs of it yet. He lives in your house, spends most of his time in bed, seems to be waited on and ignores your suggestions. What do you think he brings to this relationship and what woud you miss if he wasn't there?
How many years are you going to put up with this? Is it a scary proposition to be on your own?

donnellysdogs said:
@catherinecherub @Molly56

You have just reminded me what our straightforward speaking counsellor said to us (me mainly).

"You cannot get OH to change, unless he wants to" then "if you're wanting the person that you met 20 years ago back, then you will have to stop, as he is never going to be that person again"

I was lucky... Even proving the Counsellor totally wrong.. My OH Did change, and he got better than the chap I met 20 years ago.

However, my OH realised that if our marriage was to survive then he needed to do something about it. It shook him to the core. He is truly the best, but he wanted to change.

It just so appears that your partner @Molly56 does not want to change at all. His declining health should be enough to have wanted to change, but he won't even do it with your loving and caring support so it really concerns me, especially reading @catherinecherub post as even medical persons haven't been able to change his attitude either...

I think everybody is concerned that you are really just being taken as a provider of a roof over your OH head and this is not your responsibilty...and that the relationship is going to affect your health in the future.. As it certainly is affecting your wellbeing at the moment.

@donnellysdogs @catherinecherub ....thank you both and everyone else that has recently responded for your messages and your concerns ...I have read them all and noted your suggestions...

I am aware of the impact that this may have on my own health so am focusing for now on myself...perhaps I just need to accept that despite all my efforts he will not change his ways and that if that is what he wants to do I should just let him get on with it...

I think today I was particularly peeved that he couldn't make the effort to get up...I think it was more noticeable because I had a day off / not working today so thought if he had made the effort to get up we could have spent the day together and gone out for lunch or something...however it has made me realise even more how I need to just get on with my own life for my own sanity and wellbeing......if then he does decide to sort himself out or get up early and find I am not there then tough!......in truth I should have just gone out today...

For my own wellbeing I will chase up the one to one counselling I was accepted for and perhaps make another appointment with my GP to voice my worries / concerns.....no harm in having it on the record in case I need help in the future...I am a little unsure as to how much help the counselling will be but there again it is a useful route to follow up - having been accepted I may as well take the offer up otherwise I will just be dismissed from the service. In a way I feel that the support and advice I have received here is far more valuable than anything they can offer but guess I should just approach it with an open mind....

As for coping strategies I think that keeping busy for me is the key....I have lots of things that I want to do so am just going to throw myself into these...in which case I may even forget some of the other issues that have been troubling me of late...

I am particularly excited about my new sewing project which I am hopeful one day may turn into a business opportunity....is something I have been meaning to do for a while and am finally getting round to doing it......it is early days yet but I am excited to think that it something I can do for my future...will post some pictures when I get a chance....have decided what I want to make but have yet to work out how to sell them, still that will come....

Thank you once again to everyone for your concerns but I am determined that this is not going to get the better of me......as for what he decides to do, well I am not going to think about that for now....I have my own life to enjoy...and some sewing to do....

graj0 · Oct 30, 2014

. . . . . . and any more butterflies?

Scouser58 · Oct 30, 2014

pavlosn said:
@Scouser58

Please consider beginning a new thread with your question. That way you will receive more responses and there will be no risk of Molly's thread being taken of course.

Thanks

Pavlos

Hello pavlosn, thank you for your reply, I will do my best to do to follow your suggestion, ttfn

Scouser58 · Oct 30, 2014

Hello Molly56, I wrote a long time ago about 'Tough Love' and all that it entails.
Have you given any thought to any of these? I have read all the posts of support from other members and seen their concern about your health and sanity. You want to do your own thing and have a business, sewing needs concentration, can you have all that, when your mind is drifting onto the 'bed warmer' ? I would think it is not very nice to get into a bed that some bone idle, self centred man has not long got out of?!, Will you be thinking of having your own bed, so that you can rest better?and he can have the sweaty one to himself?

It seem s no matter what you do or say to him, he will do what he wants and when he wants, please remind him to make out his will and book and pay for his funeral, as you will not be put through such things if he continues on this path to self destruction.

A lot of places now do will writing kits/services with the things they provide, why not get him some information from say Golden Charter to book his funeral, and then a will writing place, maybe these will scare him into questioning what the dickens is going on, and then this is your moment to speak about things in say single clear sentences, and making sure that he gets the message that you are not going to be put under the stress and distress of doing these things when he is very ill, of worse.

Also when you are working at your new business, then hospital visiting, and all that are not options that you will be doing, stupidity in a grown man is unbelievable.

The dreaded 'carbs' are a pain to get right and keep right, the task is on going, so don't mention them again to him. If is joining you for a meal do it the way you want it, with nice meat and choice veg, and low/no carbs.
, but if not then worry ye not, enjoy your own meals,and do not fret over this man any more.
You are a women of great care and compassion for the man, but he has none for you and even less for himself, time for the big personal changes that you want and need to do for yourself.

Molly on the run up to the guy in the red suit season, look to getting things for your own desires, and waste any more time on the stubborn and uncaring. And failing all else the suggestions to show him the door, are excellent. You deserve better, you very caring woman, ttfn from Karen

poshtotty · Oct 30, 2014

Keeping busy is a good short-term strategy. The best advice I had was that a good relationship is made up of 50/50 input. from each partner If you don't have that ratio in your relationship, nothing you do is going to make it a good relationship, or a lasting one.

Good luck with the counselling. I'm sure being able to share your concerns with a professional will help you

Molly56 · Oct 30, 2014

Scouser58 said:
Hello Molly56, I wrote a long time ago about 'Tough Love' and all that it entails.
Have you given any thought to any of these? I have read all the posts of support from other members and seen their concern about your health and sanity. You want to do your own thing and have a business, sewing needs concentration, can you have all that, when your mind is drifting onto the 'bed warmer' ? I would think it is not very nice to get into a bed that some bone idle, self centred man has not long got out of?!, Will you be thinking of having your own bed, so that you can rest better?and he can have the sweaty one to himself?

It seem s no matter what you do or say to him, he will do what he wants and when he wants, please remind him to make out his will and book and pay for his funeral, as you will not be put through such things if he continues on this path to self destruction.

A lot of places now do will writing kits/services with the things they provide, why not get him some information from say Golden Charter to book his funeral, and then a will writing place, maybe these will scare him into questioning what the dickens is going on, and then this is your moment to speak about things in say single clear sentences, and making sure that he gets the message that you are not going to be put under the stress and distress of doing these things when he is very ill, of worse.

Also when you are working at your new business, then hospital visiting, and all that are not options that you will be doing, stupidity in a grown man is unbelievable.

The dreaded 'carbs' are a pain to get right and keep right, the task is on going, so don't mention them again to him. If is joining you for a meal do it the way you want it, with nice meat and choice veg, and low/no carbs.
, but if not then worry ye not, enjoy your own meals,and do not fret over this man any more.
You are a women of great care and compassion for the man, but he has none for you and even less for himself, time for the big personal changes that you want and need to do for yourself.

Molly on the run up to the guy in the red suit season, look to getting things for your own desires, and waste any more time on the stubborn and uncaring. And failing all else the suggestions to show him the door, are excellent. You deserve better, you very caring woman, ttfn from Karen

@Scouser58 ...thanks for the message...and just to answer your questions...

If I am still with him when that time comes I have already decided that I will pass all responsibilities over to his children to decide what they want to do...they are all adults so can decide how they want to deal with it...I think by that time I will have done everything that I need to...probably not the plan that you were proposing in terms of tough love but that is how I have decided to deal with it for now...

Regarding concentrating on my sewing project / new business venture that is not a problem at all....am getting totally immersed in the sewing which temporarily blocks out all other worries / concerns ...have decided what I want to make and am in the process of designing and creating a number of different versions / prototypes to gauge opinion from friends and family...next step will be to perfect it....getting better with each one that I have made...am giving a few away to start off with (marketing ploy!) in the hope that this will generate some interest and hopefully some orders.
...am hoping that my youngest son (started at Uni a few weeks ago) will help me set up a webpage (he suggested a specific Facebook page would be the easiest for now) when I see him in a couple of weeks - am taking photos so that I have a record of what I have made....so basically it is all in hand other than I still have to decide what I want to call it (that's the tricky one!!!) ...perhaps will have to include "Designed and hand made by Molly" or words to that effect.........essentially each item will be unique so another good selling point....
..Anyway, the key thing is that I am so busy with ideas etc that I am really starting to forget some of the other things that are going on....is definitely some time for 'Molly time'...

At the end of the day the problem is still there but I am not allowing myself to get too stressed over it.....there are far more important things to do in my life....

Regarding the bloke in the red suit I have already put in my request....I want a bike for Christmas....and it looks like I may well be going to get one / he said he would get me one......I think he thinks I am mad to want a bike but I do quite fancy having the opportunity to go out for a bike ride and who knows it may just be a perfect way of escaping whilst getting some much needed exercise for myself.......I did make the brief suggestion that he could get one too but he wasn't keen (didn't expect he would be) so it will be a bicycle ride for one!

So just to put people's minds at rest...I am very much looking out for myself now....it seems that is the way it has got to be...it doesn't mean that i don't care anymore, I do, but there is certainly more to life than just lying in bed!

Molly56 · Oct 31, 2014

Molly56 said:
@Scouser58 ...thanks for the message...and just to answer your questions...

If I am still with him when that time comes I have already decided that I will pass all responsibilities over to his children to decide what they want to do...they are all adults so can decide how they want to deal with it...I think by that time I will have done everything that I need to...probably not the plan that you were proposing in terms of tough love but that is how I have decided to deal with it for now...

Regarding concentrating on my sewing project / new business venture that is not a problem at all....am getting totally immersed in the sewing which temporarily blocks out all other worries / concerns ...have decided what I want to make and am in the process of designing and creating a number of different versions / prototypes to gauge opinion from friends and family...next step will be to perfect it....getting better with each one that I have made...am giving a few away to start off with (marketing ploy!) in the hope that this will generate some interest and hopefully some orders.
...am hoping that my youngest son (started at Uni a few weeks ago) will help me set up a webpage (he suggested a specific Facebook page would be the easiest for now) when I see him in a couple of weeks - am taking photos so that I have a record of what I have made....so basically it is all in hand other than I still have to decide what I want to call it (that's the tricky one!!!) ...perhaps will have to include "Designed and hand made by Molly" or words to that effect.........essentially each item will be unique so another good selling point....
..Anyway, the key thing is that I am so busy with ideas etc that I am really starting to forget some of the other things that are going on....is definitely some time for 'Molly time'...

At the end of the day the problem is still there but I am not allowing myself to get too stressed over it.....there are far more important things to do in my life....

Regarding the bloke in the red suit I have already put in my request....I want a bike for Christmas....and it looks like I may well be going to get one / he said he would get me one......I think he thinks I am mad to want a bike but I do quite fancy having the opportunity to go out for a bike ride and who knows it may just be a perfect way of escaping whilst getting some much needed exercise for myself.......I did make the brief suggestion that he could get one too but he wasn't keen (didn't expect he would be) so it will be a bicycle ride for one!

So just to put people's minds at rest...I am very much looking out for myself now....it seems that is the way it has got to be...it doesn't mean that i don't care anymore, I do, but there is certainly more to life than just lying in bed!

Have been reflecting on my last post and been thinking........generally not a good sign / probably not a good thing to do...
...on one hand it sounds so positive, but on the other is it just a sign that I am not coping....am pretending that the problem is not there...am papering over the cracks...have lost the plot......
Was just a passing thought .......but I don't know the answer.....

poshtotty · Nov 1, 2014

Molly56 said:
Have been reflecting on my last post and been thinking........generally not a good sign / probably not a good thing to do...
...on one hand it sounds so positive, but on the other is it just a sign that I am not coping....am pretending that the problem is not there...am papering over the cracks...have lost the plot......
Was just a passing thought .......but I don't know the answer.....

This post suggests to me that there has been a huge shift in your thinking @Molly56 No-one knows the answer, but I'd like to think you have moved a little closer to finding yours.

Please keep posting and stay strong

alliebee · Nov 1, 2014

Thinking of you Molly.

donnellysdogs · Nov 1, 2014

@Molly56

Thinking of you.. Hoping your needlework canlead to a good business...

Hoping you can toughen up privately though.....

angelicbaby · Nov 2, 2014

Hi Molly. I've read your posts for months but have not got involved with the thread as I did not feel I had anything to add. It truly upsets me to think of you living this life. I know you are trying to create a sideline to take your mind off things but I would urge you to go further. Take a short break and go somewhere for a couple of days without him. Clear your head and when you return try and ignore his diabetes. Let him monitor (or not) his own BG. When he goes to appointments, let him go alone - if you have to drive him wait in the car or let him ring you when he wants to be collected. Be more blase to him when he winges about his health. If he eventually sees the light let him know your knowledge has been gained by other diabetics who manage their condition successfully. I understand that this forum is your sanctuary but I'm sure there are others he can join. If he doesn't learn how to control his blood glucose, well unfortunately he'll just become another medical statistic.

There is a popular saying - "you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink". This applies to your situation. I'm so sorry to come across as harsh but you cannot control him and if he doesn't want to help himself you will have to accept it.

Sent from the Diabetes Forum App

Molly56 · Nov 2, 2014

Slightly off topic but have been trying to work out how to upload some pictures of my sewing project on a private message...couldn't work out how to do it so am posting them here...

.....will get back on topic shortly....
....if anyone knows if I can upload a picture on a private message for future reference please let me know, thanks....

Edited....have worked out how to post on private message ....is the same as I did here....never mind, hope you don't mind me sharing here too...

alliebee · Nov 2, 2014

Wow Molly. They are beautiful

donnellysdogs · Nov 2, 2014

Stunning!!

Don't know how to upload for a private message though!

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