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Type 1 Parents Don’t Seem To Understand

MissMJ73

Well-Known Member
Messages
50
Type of diabetes
Type 1
Treatment type
Insulin
My parents haven’t seemed to get in the 8 years I’ve been diagnosed that things like eating etc have to take a president sometimes. I’m fed of trying to drill it into them as well. I know I should probably speak up more but when ever I do they say well why didn’t you say and OMG are you ok do we need to do anything. They don’t also seem to grasp that while it’s true I can eat or drink most things, there are somethings that I would like to avoid.

For example, a couple of weekends ago mum brought donoughts. I said no so many times but she kept offering so in the end I took one to shut her up but didn’t have my testing kit or insulin on me so my sugars went high.

Then there was the incident when I was driving. I could feel them dropping. Luckily we were only 10 mins away from home but as soon as I got there I tested and while not hypo at 4.2 it was below the legal limit. They were talking about going on into the village so I said that’s fine but I can’t drive at the mo as below the legal limit. They panicked as predicted and started to make me feel bad. Kept asking again if I needed anything and when my sister drove up made a deal about it with her.

How can I make them understand that they don’t need to fuss, that it’s part of my everyday life and while I appreciate that they care about me, they don’t need to keep panicking. It almost makes me not want to say anything and indeed sometimes I don’t as it’s less hassle.

I guess more than anything I just needed to vent amongst people who hopefully understand but any ideas welcomed.
 
I am replying now as a parent with 2 non-diabetic daughters in their thirties. It is very difficult when your children grow up not to try to manage everything for them as you used to. I tend to worry and try to help when they don't need my help with everyday things like making sure they have travel insurance and getting their cars serviced, so if they were diabetic I would probably be worse. It must be very annoying for you but it is not confined to diabetes, just a standard problem with parents who care about their children. I have an agreement now with my daughters that I won't interfere unless they actually ask for help, which seems to work.
 
Hi MissMJ, I do feel for you, it is so hard when others keep on fussing when you simply wish to get on with it yourself without it constantly being the centre of attention. Next time when your Mum offers you a doughnut, ask her if she would offer nuts to a person with a nut allergy! A doughnut may not kill you outright but your body cannot cope with the carbs and you may not want to have to faff about with a dose of insulin to accommodate it. Maybe you could buy your Mum a book that explains it all? I am sure they care about you but if they carry on like this you will end up purposely staying away from them. After 8 years your parents should know better, you have to manage your diabetes YOUR way and that means eating when YOU want to. Sorry I have no real advice but I can tell you that the vast majority of us feel your pain, (mostly from 'well meaning; work colleagues in my case). x
 
My mother drove me up the wall when she came with me to a non diabetes-related hospital appointment. The plan was that we would have our lunch in the city centre and then visit the archives section of the local library.

In the hospital waiting room, she kept asking me if I needed to eat and produced biscuits from her bag. I had to do a BS test to prove I wasn't falling dangerously low. (She never accepted the fact that if I was hypo, I needed something faster acting and always complained that she didn't like to see me munching glucose tablets, when she thought I could be eating something much nicer !) The final straw was when I was called in the see the consultant. She called across to me, "Take something to eat in with you, just in case." Once I got into the room, I explained what had been going on because I simply had to blow off steam. The consultant was a woman and laughed. She said a friend of hers also suffered from 'mother-induced' raised blood pressure quite frequently.

When this happened I was 50 and had been a type 1 for 40 years. You have my sympathy. You just have to stick to your guns and take your own decisions.
 

I guess in a way you are right. They do fuss about lots of other things too
 

I knew I’d have to adjust the dose later to accommodate the spike. Thank you for just taking the time out to reply.
 
I imagine they’d be mortified if they knew they had made you feel like this, but it’s so difficult to talk to parents about this kind of thing when all they want to do is ease your burden and all. We parents do worry so much about our kids, even when they’re grown up and quite independent. Some mums take it personally if their child refuses a food treat, because they have offered it with love, and the two have become entwined. So by refusing a treat food like a doughnut, it feels like your love is being refused too, for many people - and they don’t realise the connection. Mind you, in my doughnut eating days, if I’d have offered my son one, and he said no, I’d have taken his first answer and troughed it myself

I have a close friend who is what the psychologists call a “feeder” - she shows her love for her friends and family by making them food, even if they don’t really want any, or can’t have it for whatever reason. She got really upset when I kept refusing the ice cream she wanted to buy for me when we were out one day - knowing that not only am I diabetic but also allergic to milk. I had to really put my foot down because it was getting embarrassing in the shop - other customers were actually telling me to just have one, because “one won’t hurt”, and that I was being ungrateful. Nightmare. But she was so desperate to show she cared for me, and that’s always been the way she does it - so I used the peanut allergy analogy. And that did the trick, although she then tried to buy a couple for me to take home for my husband and son!

Not sure if any of that rambling is in any way useful, but I can really empathise.
 
My thoughts are from observations and not professional opinion or advice. I hope they may help though!
With small to teenage child in Australia parents who seem over-protective are said to be practising 'helicopter parenting".
In a way I guess it is their way of coping and trying to assuage their own fears about the welfare of their child(ren).
And I have seen parents with diabetic children, teenagers or young adults who try to 'normalise' that child, by pretending he/her can still eat all the normal things, not need to be cautions about driving etc. Again , it is a way of coping. And yes, it can drive you up the wall.
Unfortunately stern words, sighs, eruptions of frustration may just emphasis their need to normalise things further to relieve their own anxiety.
As a volunteer at camps for diabetic children and their parents, I can say that what you are experiencing is common in the younger age groups of diabetics. And some of the volunteers are teenagers and young adult diabetics who can also relate to your frustrations !!
The advantages though of such camps and 'get-togethers' was that parents could share their experiences and concerns with each other, observe how others dealt with issues to do their diabetic children, gain confidence to try out change their behaviours and see people modelling different behaviours. Of course, there was work needed to allow the children to be the subject of their parent's attempts to change.
The other thing that helped was having volunteers, nurses, and even some health professionals with diabetes at the camp. I overheard one mother remark about the doctor with diabetes " Well, if she has turned out alright, do I really need to fuss so much with my child!"
All the above 'remedies' or strategies may not be practical for you or others in similar predicaments, however if parents have someone they admire or look up to , like their GP,or a religious person or friends, particularly people who may have some experience of diabetes in the family, or have that really rare and precious commodity called 'common sense and experience ' perhaps with some explanation from you to explain your troubles a change of sorts might be possible. Professional help might be needed if a parent has severe behavioural problems, anxieties etc.
Humour is sometimes an under-recognised and under-used resource. I recall one canny diabetic teenager who would deflect his mum with words like: "Thank you mum but my sugar is too high for that (cake, pie etc) but a beer and 3 triple Scotches would be grand "! That got her smiling, deflected her anxiety, made her feel needed and helped to lessen her need to keep up the cake routine. This guy was a natural. He intuitively used good eye contact, and touch appropriately and gave the impression of wicked conspiracy by adding " But please don't tell Dad what I asked for !"
As a daughter you may not think you could get away with his bravado but I am sure you could find equally humorous and outrageous scripts to follow ! And it is easier to laugh than to frown,. It takes far less muscles for one thing.
Good luck with training your parents.
 
We can eat anything we want but as diabetics we know what we should avoid non diabetics just don't understand I get sick of eating like a rabbit and people who try to force food onto me which I would love to eat but I know I must avoid that makes it worse
 
 
I subscribe to a charity called InDependent Diabetes Trust (look up IDDT on line). They will send you a pack with info on T1 or T2, it's brilliant. I've been T1 for 38 years and it's the best and clearest information I've ever read. A small donation is OK.
Get your parents to read the pack and hopefully this will give them an understanding about what you're living with.
Newsletter updates quarterly, how I found out the DVLA had changed the rules on driving after having a hypo at night, brilliant news.
Hang in there, it has its challenges but you can do it x
 
Sometimes when my daughter thinks I still treat her as a child, she reads me the riot act and I back down.....mind you when I grab a 29 year old's hand when we cross the road (seems to happen so automatically, old habits & all that) it is a little (!!!!) OTT
 
Daughter not diabetic, by the way........
 
My mother, any time I was being a grumpy teenager would ask if I was hypo - used to drive me nuts! However, at the risk of sounding like your mother, if you’re driving and think you’re going low, please stop straight away and sort yourself out - apart from anything else, it shows her what you have to do. If she makes a fuss, just calmly explain that because you’ve taken action, you are safe and she doesn’t need to worry. I think she needs some education if she’s trying to persuade you to eat doughnuts - stuff like that I hard enough to resist anyway, so how difficult that must be for you - do you see a diabetes nurse specialist who could maybe talk to your mum? I’ve had type 1 for 45 years this year and find nobody who doesn’t have it understands what it’s like, I find myself irritated if someone makes a fuss but equally irritated if they act as though it’s no big deal!
In summary, my advice is to get some education for your mum but also to try to accept that she’s your mum, she loves you and, as in my previous sentence, she’d probably be annoying whatever she said or did!
 
Your mother might never accept it. I've been diabetic now for nearly 52 years but when visiting my mother I'm always being asked if I want some chocolate biscuits or a banana. She shocked me about a year ago when I refused, by saying "oh you and your bloody diabetes". I won't tell you my response as it would be censored but I can't help wondering if that's how she's felt for most of my life.
 
I am lucky in that sense as my mother is full on diabetic with type 2 diabetes and has been for 23 years! I have only been borderline diabetic for two and a half years, but still find it hard to resist offer of cakes or chocolates due to my sweet tooth. My mother refuses on my behalf any offer of cakes or chocolates, especially if we have had pudding already. At this luncheon club we regularly attend every fortnight, we were offered these small chocolate cakes to have with our tea or coffee, and since we had already had ice cream and apple strudel for pudding, mum refused on both of our behalves, whereas I would have aceepted those small chocolate cakes if I had been alone without mum there to stop me accepting one. So it does help to have a diabetic parent to manage one’s borderline diabetes.
Good luck to those who do not have diabetic parents.
RJW_Lon_29
 
Dear "Dodo", I thought this was me writing a response. My Mum, Dad and Sister nick-named me Dodo from when my big sis could speak (year older than me, now 54). My Mum's response kicked me in teeth 4 yrs ago when I was diagnosed T2, insulin dependant by commenting "Oh! This has never happened in our family before". I felt I'd let the family down, but you and I should maybe appreciate it was our own Mother's love and shock that caused their thoughtless reaction without intentional hurt. They're more scared than us because we have this site and knowledge. Take Care
 
I wish I could think that but when I asked only a few years back how she felt when I was diagnosed with T1, her reply was more "I thought, why does it always happen to me?" She tends to think about herself a great deal, I'm not the only family member who has realised this. Maybe I just wasn't the perfect daughter she had hoped for!
 
I am sure I drove my parents mad with fear when I was a teenage diabetic. Fear that I can only truly appreciate now that i am a mum of 3 and they are not even diabetic.
There is some great advice here but it may just be that your parents will never understand your diabetes and the fact that you and only you are the expert on it. But you could try listening to their fears so that they know you understand their love for you and then in turn explain that you are trying to be an adult who manages her condition and that certain of their comments and behaviours are not helping you with that very tricky task. Be specific here. Then get them to paraphrase what you have said to see if they have understood you just like you showed that you understood them.
Sounds simple but it is hard to have that kind of conversation however worth it if you want to have a strong relationship with them. Works for other contentious subjects too!-
 
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