Struggling again

HbA1c shows your levels over 2-3 months, and while recent food patterns will have some impact, they might not have that much impact.

Carb addiction is a real struggle for me, and abstinence is the only way to go for me. I definitely recognise this pattern in myself where I can use food for comfort when the going gets tough, and once I allow myself this, it can be very difficult to stop. Some strategies that work for me is to remove all food that triggers me from my house, have activities lined up (house chores work just fine) to distract me when the cravings come and drinking a lot of liquids. I imagine that your mental health challenges are not helping and making all this extra difficult.

If you started eating carbs after being low carb, a lot of initial weight you gain will be water weight, and you should be able to get rid of this by going back on low carb.

My memory sucks, so do excuse me if this has been discussed at length before.... I think you might get more use out of counseling or some sort of mental help, than anything else at the moment.

By some absolute fluke I'm having 12 sessions (alas, no more than that) with an excellent therapist who isn't supposed to work with me on anything other than ADHD, but we're doing little side-quests on self-esteem and such. Much to my surprise, it's actually helping. So while I don't know whether this might help you, and if I'm translating it into the same terms as the English speaking world uses, maybe give this a go, because you sound like you're mainly kicking yourself around a lot. And eating carbs, well... Those trigger a dopamine response, so they make you feel better. It's literally something that makes your brain perk up, albeit temporarily, so how weird is it that you crave a little relief in the form of food? It doesn't last long though, and certainly evaporates when you look at the scales, I'm guessing. All the same though, it's not just a "show a spine" thing, it's also just how our bodies work, and is a lot like, if not exactly like, addiction. Feel down? Need dopamine. Quickest way to get dopamine? Comfort food...! It's instinct! Something to think about, maybe, as you might want to cut yourself a break for perfectly natural cravings that you're having to battle. Understanding why they happen might help you fight them though. Or maybe find some other way to get dopamine running around the brain again. Find something else that makes you feel happier?

You might be having thoughts that block you. Blocking thoughts can be anything negative that you tell yourself, that doesn't have to be true in a strict sense, but that's what depression does: It lies. So you can be telling yourself -and I'm taking my own train of thought as a for instance here, NOT filling things in for you- I'm useless, I can't do this, I'm built wrong, I'm a f***-up, and the ever lovely, I shouldn't be here. Look at thoughts like those, and give them a truth percentage. If you try to look at them objectively, how true are they really? Then, try to flip things around and create helping thoughts. And likewise, for those, decide just how true they really are, and do back it up with examples! If you're depressed you might have a dopamine issue, so it's not strange or weak at all that you crave something. It's normal, it's natural, and it's not something to blame yourself for or get angry at yourself about. You've got a good head on your shoulders, (helping thought!), can you find other ways to scratch the dopamine itch? (Inventiveness? Resourcefulness? Helping thoughts and positive traits!) You see where the problem lies, that alone is half the battle. (Insightful and proactive=helping thought!). I'm making things a bit chaotic here, sorry, but the bottom line is this.... When you look at your thoughts objectively, do they help you or hinder? And can you kick hindering, blocking thoughts to the curb? Maybe stick something on the fridge with helping thoughts you really can believe, even if you have to remind yourself of them. "I can do this. I am smart, I am resourceful, I am capable, I am brave." Just as an example, eh. Because while we tend to remember negative things without any need for aid, we need to be told, by others or ourselves, the good things about us continuously.

Not saying you have to shout how excellent a human being you are at the mirror every morning -I'd be mortified if I had to do that, the above is hard enough- but showing yourself a little kindness and shutting down blocking thoughts before they get too much of a hold of you in a day, might help some.

You're on here to figure this conundrum out, you see what the problem is, you want to fix it. Practically? Make sure you have other dopamine triggers. That can be food that is decadent but low carb, like nice cheeses or salmon or whatever... Something that feels decadent but won't spike you. But it could also be a walk to a tearoom and having a cuppa while watching people. Or petting a dog. Or playing a relaxing computer game... For decades I spent every weekend doing something I would have enjoyed if my depression didn't have its claws in me, and sometimes a little joy broke through. (Still do it, but because I've realised I deserve to do nice things, not doing them to survive my brain anymore, for the most part.) That was in lieu of antidepressants, which I can't take, alas. Not for lack of trying. I have zoo season passes, frequent cat café's, visit castles and whatever... Fed a tiger, did a falconers workshop, anything, anything at all to drag me into the light, if only for a few minutes, if not hours, so I could survive myself for another week. And none of that was food-based. (Granted, feeding the tiger was, but she was doing the eating.). Show yourself some kindnesses, however big or small. That can be a cup of fragrant tea -just discovered one with rose and sunflower petals- or spending time with your favorite human, or animal or... To rip Kondo entirely out of context: Does it spark joy? Because sometimes, a spark in the dark can be quite a blaze, and it does sound like it's been rather dark in your head.

HUGS!!!
Jo
PS: Ignore me entirely if I'm full of it.

Hi Maggie75, Lots of good advice already and I wanted to just offer my sympathy and support. I'm a serial relapser with overeating carbs, definitely an addict but although I do try to abstain, I'm often off the wagon.

Don't despair - any effort you make towards better health is worth it. My health has improved dramatically even with fairly frequent relapses, and knowing that helps me to get back into low carb again. I think of it as my own health camp - and try to spend more time in low carb than in relapse - currently trying to push to two weeks without a relapse. The abstinence route, thinking I will never eat comfort food again, doesn't work for me and I take my hat off to people who can do it! I can be more steady with low carb if I plan ahead for an off-wagon treat or holiday.

As @JoKalsbeek says, it's perfectly human and normal to crave junk food/carbs. None of that is your fault! We are hard wired to want to gain weight as a survival mechanism and our "food environment" keeps us surrounded by irresistible foods that we can't stop eating, and just in case we swerved them at the supermarket, adverts make sure we don't forget about them.

Do what you can when you can, and please don't feel like you are not doing your best. Going back on your meds might be a good thing to help stabilise your blood sugars and maybe reduce appetite, then when you are feeling better you'll maybe naturally want to push for that healthier way of eating again.
Wishing you every success and hoping that depression lifts soon x