High turmoil for her today... She was allowed out today... This a copy of text.... Turmoil for her... And anxiety for next 2 days starting to show thru....sometimes it very hard to make right statements of encouragement as there is so much behind her probs in the background of not liking praise or her body etc...
"Awwww you would make an awesome cool grand aunty, erm it was horrific, lovely to dance in the rain but it was aweful, It took 15mins to decide wat drink I wanted I knew I didn't want a hot milk drink and now I look bck its coz its cold to burn calories but at the time I didn't see it, so I was turn between milkshake and frappe but milkshake had ice cream and made with a chocolate bar and I had to hav a snack so that was a no go even tho I did fancy it, so I went for a frappe but chose chai flavour that was a genuine Xxxx (name removed) choice... But snack wise was aweful I went to get smarties but I didn't want them, anorexia did because its in a tube childlike and the calories I cud see on it, as the lady scanned it I quickly noticed ur wasn't wat I truly wanted so I thought (after10 mins)wat did (name removed) like as a child and then I remembered I liked cherry bakewells so I went for an almond slice. Although the normality was nice, I couldn't take my mind off the fact that I was having more calories than those back at the unit, plus ...tomorrow is a social where its choosing a pub lunch and dessert and everyone knows they are high in calories so again il be eating more than others ...and then on Tuesday at a mental health conference there's a buffet , again more calories than the meal bck at the unit..so all I could think of is that I will be the laughing stock as on weigh day I will put on more than the predicted weight gain...meaning il be the biggest joke here and people will judge and mock me... Plus. I couldn't taste the almond slice from years of brainwashing so it felt like empty calories and a waste, its so frustrating wen u want to enjoy it
oh well its done isn't it, just gutted that I as (name removed) cant enjoy it ...
.reading this back, anorexia is loud today
... But I guess im still winning..."