Help me get through to my mother please

[Alison Campbell]

I've been thinking about your post and you have been given some great ideas for your visit. But I think you maybe looking at it from the wrong direction.

She loves you and thinks she know's what is best for you and what will make you happy.

Every time you give in, you reinforce that she is right and she does know what is best for you. You have to change your response to her firmly but with love.

You get through to your mum by saying no thank you and mean it. No ifs, buts or maybe's. No arguments needed or negative comments about her past behaviour. If you feel yourself getting stressed go for a walk or my favourite at the in-laws, clean up in the kitchen.

 

[Lampman]

Tricky situation, but from what I read on here not uncommon. As a parent I know the "I know whats best for my kids" thing, but what applies to a faddy toddler is not what applies to an adult diabetic. You are in charge of your life and future health to a great extent. Doing something is necessary. Just how you go about dealing with the situation is dependent on your relationship with your mother. My family are all younger than me, so my situation is a bit different. I do have a friend that should know better, as his brother was diabetic and tends to give me the "one wont hurt you" line, but I simply refuse. I would sit down with her, if it was my mother, and explain to her in terms of how eggs are not acceptable to her, so it is with you and high carb foods, but the consequences can be serious for you, then list the possible consequences. Another possible line is to appeal to her motherly protective instincts and explain why you need to eat certain foods and not others, and you would appreciate her help in doing that to stay healthy. But thats me, you have to find a strategy that will work for you. The one thing not to do is allow her to feed you bad stuff! Good luck.

 

[Sue81]

I know I need to have it out with Mum properly but our relationship has more issues than just this one so coping techniques are particularly useful.
I've learnt that for my mental health limiting contact is necessary. We speak once a week and we get together a few times a year. One of which is a holiday together which is a bit easier than being stuck at home.
I'm not going to let her feed me **** again. This time round I'm going to focus on making sure I can eat what I need to. I spoke to Mum on Sunday and brought up going out for a carvery. We both like that and I can avoid the carbs. Next time we speak I'll offer to get food delivered so I can cook for her etc.
I feel a lot happier that this trip will be okay even if I don't fully address the real issue.

 

[srobertson06]

There are some great suggestions in the replies and I was going to suggest doing a food shop and buying what would be good for you - but suggesting she take a rest and allow you to cook would be the nicest way of getting things right for you.
I am still struggling to get back on track following a holiday that was way back in March and still the carbs cravings are making an impact, just do not seem to be able to kick the cravings.

Maybe make some food plans before heading off so you know what ingredients you need, you could shop once you are there, but cooking for your mum was something I used to do and used to freeze individual portions for her to eat after I had gone home - she loved it and I felt I had done something really useful - a win, win situation.

Good luck and if it does not work out to plan know that you did all you could without causing any problems.

 

[TriciaWs]

Unfortunately 'just one time' is enough to cause a little more nerve damage, and these accumulate.
I am terrified of going blind, and my mum who had too many 'just one time's, of her own choosing, had lost part of her sight so that keeps me on the programme.
And when others get pushy I actually tell them that I don't want to go blind; if they keep pushing I say, or lose the use of my legs (she had neuropathy and was double incontinent towards the end). Really pushy/keep 'forgetting' get the more graphic version or I just leave ...
I hope some of the solutions offered by others are the key for dealing with your mother. If not, I don't want to go blind ...

 

[Deepa 2]

Might not be the reply you want to read.. but I’ve ended up having a huge row with my sister about this.. she’s a medic & should know better..

W’end away - she was in a bad mood with myself re: low carb & was encouraging my mum (type 2) to eat sweet things..

Same attitude ‘ need to have some time off’ - what people don’t realise is that it never is a one off.. I just end up having sugar cravings after, it’s a slippery slope..

I think it’s like not drinking - other people feel less relaxed when they’re drinking & other people aren’t.. I’ve had to reassure my sister that nil wrong with her having sweet treats ( her Hba1c always fine) - but to back off myself & mum - if she cares about our lifespans!

Sometimes being blunt is the only way.. families don’t have the right to trash our health.. is how I see it..

Would anyone persuade you to pick up a cigarette if you were trying to give up smoking? Presumably only other smokers that wanted you to join them.. it’s the same thing..

Rant over..

 

[ickihun]

Might not be the reply you want to read.. but I’ve ended up having a huge row with my sister about this.. she’s a medic & should know better..

W’end away - she was in a bad mood with myself re: low carb & was encouraging my mum (type 2) to eat sweet things..

Same attitude ‘ need to have some time off’ - what people don’t realise is that it never is a one off.. I just end up having sugar cravings after, it’s a slippery slope..

I think it’s like not drinking - other people feel less relaxed when they’re drinking & other people aren’t.. I’ve had to reassure my sister that nil wrong with her having sweet treats ( her Hba1c always fine) - but to back off myself & mum - if she cares about our lifespans!

Sometimes being blunt is the only way.. families don’t have the right to trash our health.. is how I see it..

Would anyone persuade you to pick up a cigarette if you were trying to give up smoking? Presumably only other smokers that wanted you to join them.. it’s the same thing..

Rant over..

Exactly same as... they want you to eat rubbish too.
They (sister) is probables addicted to carbs too but if you and your mum withstain then what will she feel pressured to do? Withstain too, probables. And she may not know HOW to do it. Or not want to give carbs up (like some smokers).
Reassure her and help her too?
Mind u I just cannot support my sisters and mum. They are hard work as they don't want to listen and I just haven't the energy or time (due to little one) as the moment.
I have to work hard to keep my little family right, already.
My sisters and mum's deficiencies would be the straw to break the camel's back.
At mo.

So i know how you feel @Deepa 2.

 

[winged]

I'm finally getting myself back under control after having let everything go to pot for a while and with lchf back in place my readings are looking a lot better. I live alone several hundred miles away from the rest of my family and with some willpower when shopping I've stopped buying things I shouldn't be eating.

In a couple of weeks it's both my mum and nephew's birthdays so I'm going back up north for a bit and staying with my mum. The trouble is she really doesn't get it. The food and drink available at her's are about the opposite of what I need. She lives off highly processed food and takeaways. She'll get herself dessert and get me some without asking. My relationship with food isn't good and if someone puts something on my plate or in front of me, it's a massive struggle not to eat it which to be honest usually fails.

I've tried telling her I don't want her to do that and could she get some food in I prefer to eat but her answer is always; a little bit won't hurt you, it's your favourite, your away for a few days treat it like a holiday or my personal favourite, your dad was okay with it. My dad was type 2, didn't look after himself, drank like a fish and died of a heart attack at 58, 3 months before the birth of his first grandchild. I'm 36, I'm not on a diet to lose weight, I'm trying to make sure I'm able to lead a long and as healthy as possible life. I don't want to be cruel but a few days with her results in high readings, feeling rubbish and craving carbs for ages afterwards.

Has anyone any idea how I can get through to her other than me just putting up with it or us having a blazing row.She's a sensible woman for the most part but she likes to stick her head in the sand about anything to do with my health/well being. Any attempt at discussion about my health she seems to take as an attack on her parenting as one way or another most of my issues stem back to childhood.

I'd just like to able to spend time with my family without it negatively impacting my health.

Ask her if she would tell an alcoholic that just one drink won't hurt him.

 

[Conrad74]

I have the same problem with my mother. I always get the “a little bit won’t hurt” or there is no sugar in this, or it’s honey it’s not sugar, it’s good for you. I’m on a keto diet, so no carbs are good, but she doesn’t understand. Well, now she does a little. Last time I visited I gave in and had a piece of cheesecake. I had the following week off for holidays, but never told my mother. When I went home I pretended to be really sick all week to the point I couldn’t go to work all week because of the piece of cheesecake. She felt really awful and has never said “ a little bit won’t hurt you”. I don’t like being dishonest, but if it will save my health and a lot of discomfort around my family, I feel it was worth it.

 

[Freema]

I have the same problem with my mother. I always get the “a little bit won’t hurt” or there is no sugar in this, or it’s honey it’s not sugar, it’s good for you. I’m on a keto diet, so no carbs are good, but she doesn’t understand. Well, now she does a little. Last time I visited I gave in and had a piece of cheesecake. I had the following week off for holidays, but never told my mother. When I went home I pretended to be really sick all week to the point I couldn’t go to work all week because of the piece of cheesecake. She felt really awful and has never said “ a little bit won’t hurt you”. I don’t like being dishonest, but if it will save my health and a lot of discomfort around my family, I feel it was worth it.

my admiration for you going out the whole line.. don´t think I could have gone through with this