How much do you let your partner do.
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Pinkorchid
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Go to his appointments with him them just leave him to go in on his own it is not right that they are just talking to you that is just encouraging him to depend on you all the time. I take it your husband is not elderly because you have children of school age and you have not said if he works at all
PS just wondered if your roles were reversed if he would be your carer and not expect you to do anything for yourself I tend to think not
Hi no he does not work doctors have signed him of no had a bad night well the talk went really bad I told him how I feel and how it was effecting me he firstly said you my wife so you should be doing it then as it carried on he said don't do anything for him I don't want you at any of my appointments and to stay out of his life and off he went to the shed so with I have had decided to let him carry on and do it himself so far he as not done a blood test nor his levemir or aprida it's almost like he trying to blackmail me so I keep doing it all
ladybird64
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Yes I have but I stay because of the kids and I do love him and there always the thought of what he would do to himself if I left him I did try once before but found him in the shed with rope around his neck
Totto
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Do you think he genuinely meant to try and kill himself or was it a way to manipulate you into submission?
Either way you both need professional help, particularly so as there are kids involved.
Totto
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You will never change him, you can only change yourself and how you react to him. But you need professional help.
http://lifeesteem.org/wellness/wellness_manipulation.html
http://www.bradhambrick.com/selfcenteredspouse/
http://lifeesteem.org/wellness/wellness_manipulation.html
http://www.bradhambrick.com/selfcenteredspouse/
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It really does sound likes he needs professional psychiatric help. What you are describing goes far beyond what you, with children, can cope with.
In such circumstances, caring for him apprarently full time, with his emotional blackmail and manipulation to control you, it sounds very unwise to homeschool children. Such a toxic environment cannot be good for them - getting out to school and mixing with others would give them welcome relief!
I can only urge you STRONGLY to look after yourself, and place your children as the priority.
There are a number of support services available to him, and you. Perhaps the best thing would be to make a doctor's appointment for yourself and lay all of it out to the doctor - suicide attempts, inability to look after his own diabetes and the damage it is doing to vulnerable children. I suspect you will be prioritised for immediate help.
Good luck. It must be a very miserable and exhausting situation to be trapped in.
In such circumstances, caring for him apprarently full time, with his emotional blackmail and manipulation to control you, it sounds very unwise to homeschool children. Such a toxic environment cannot be good for them - getting out to school and mixing with others would give them welcome relief!
I can only urge you STRONGLY to look after yourself, and place your children as the priority.
There are a number of support services available to him, and you. Perhaps the best thing would be to make a doctor's appointment for yourself and lay all of it out to the doctor - suicide attempts, inability to look after his own diabetes and the damage it is doing to vulnerable children. I suspect you will be prioritised for immediate help.
Good luck. It must be a very miserable and exhausting situation to be trapped in.
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novorapidboi26
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wow, your situation seems really extreme, I don't know how I would cope if my wife had diabetes and wasn't looking after herself and was physically suffering like your husband is....
hes in denial really and I think it requires professional help/discussion to get him to accept it.....
its quite easy to get angry when reading things like this but everyone's lives and relationships are different....
can I ask what age he is...?
hes in denial really and I think it requires professional help/discussion to get him to accept it.....
its quite easy to get angry when reading things like this but everyone's lives and relationships are different....
can I ask what age he is...?
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The story I'm going to write relates directly to yours as the only difference between the two of them is that you have children. I'm not going to beat about the bush, but you are currently in an abusive relationship. That you have found him in the shed with a rope around his neck when you have made noises about not doing things is an extreme form of control. His behaviour is domestic abuse. Both you and your children are on the receiving end of the most unpleasant forms of behaviour possible without resorting to physical abuse. What drives this behaviour is a different question, but make no mistake that this is what you are experiencing.
A friend of mins who was with her T1 boyfriend of 10 years suffered similarly, although his abuse was the inverse. He deliberately made himself hypo as a control mechanism over her. She spent her entire life worrying about him and trying to make sure that he wasn't hypo. His worst example was crossing a busy road in India where he deliberately put both of them in a life threatening position to exert his control.
The only way that you can deal with this is to think about what you want and whether any psychiatric help would make any difference. Whilst he clearly has psychological problems with his condition, the way he plays them out on you and the children is neither acceptable or fair. Obviously only you can decide how you approach this, but I completely agree with @Brunneria. You need to speak with someone about this and soon.
A friend of mins who was with her T1 boyfriend of 10 years suffered similarly, although his abuse was the inverse. He deliberately made himself hypo as a control mechanism over her. She spent her entire life worrying about him and trying to make sure that he wasn't hypo. His worst example was crossing a busy road in India where he deliberately put both of them in a life threatening position to exert his control.
The only way that you can deal with this is to think about what you want and whether any psychiatric help would make any difference. Whilst he clearly has psychological problems with his condition, the way he plays them out on you and the children is neither acceptable or fair. Obviously only you can decide how you approach this, but I completely agree with @Brunneria. You need to speak with someone about this and soon.
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@Stusky - I agree with everyone else on here who is saying this is an unhealthy, manipulative relationship where you are more likely to suffer ill-health in the immediate future than him. You are his safety net, but he seems little concerned that he is playing no part in yours.
I doubt whilst he has control of the situation, in the ways you suggest, anything will change and like others I strongly urge you to seek external help. On an aside, I have no idea how old your children are, but this is no way for them to be living, observing what can only be described as cruelty and picking up their role model behaviours.
As for your husband; if he were mine, and I found him in the shed with a rope around his neck, I would have called 999 and asked for him to receive help. Unless the rope was actually disturbing his airway, I doubt he was in any danger, but it would have demonstrated his behaviours and their unreasonableness to others, and could have been a fast track to external help. Whilst you just look at if, think, "Oh, s^%*, what will people think, I have to do something here", his grasp on you tightens. He will up the ante until you submit to his every whim, or you break. Either would do him.
I feel for you, but sadly the solution is in your hands.
I doubt whilst he has control of the situation, in the ways you suggest, anything will change and like others I strongly urge you to seek external help. On an aside, I have no idea how old your children are, but this is no way for them to be living, observing what can only be described as cruelty and picking up their role model behaviours.
As for your husband; if he were mine, and I found him in the shed with a rope around his neck, I would have called 999 and asked for him to receive help. Unless the rope was actually disturbing his airway, I doubt he was in any danger, but it would have demonstrated his behaviours and their unreasonableness to others, and could have been a fast track to external help. Whilst you just look at if, think, "Oh, s^%*, what will people think, I have to do something here", his grasp on you tightens. He will up the ante until you submit to his every whim, or you break. Either would do him.
I feel for you, but sadly the solution is in your hands.
ladybird64
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Oh dear
Lots of well meaning and really good advice but it's not so easy when you're living the situation is it? This is a heck of a lot to take in, so maybe break it down into steps.
Do you think you should be responsible for his care? Of course you love him, but can you see this isn't love? I'm sure that if the position was reversed, you wouldn't expect him to take responsibility for you, you wouldn't deliberately make his life hard - but he's doing just that to you. No matter how much we love someone, we should not, and must not, think that we are responsible for their actions. You may not realise it, but you are a strong woman. Look at his reaction to your talk this morning, if you don't do what he wants, he will let himself get ill. Can you see that this is blackmail? Do what I want or else..
But you can be strong. The more you show this strength, the more you are taking his power away from him and you have already started. Why should you live in fear of what he will do? Sweetheart, he is a coward, using his illness to exert power over his wife and children - and you have done NOTHING to deserve this. It's not ok, it's not right, but you can change it.
Go and see your gp, tell him/her everything you have told us. It will be in confidence, and you need to let someone know what's happening. Counselling could help you get the strength you need to stand up to his bullying, for that's what it is. Do you want to spend the next ten, twenty, thirty years living like this? Because it will only get worse, and your children need you more than he does. You aren't walking away, you are giving him the chance to do the right thing.
Be strong x
Lots of well meaning and really good advice but it's not so easy when you're living the situation is it? This is a heck of a lot to take in, so maybe break it down into steps.Do you think you should be responsible for his care? Of course you love him, but can you see this isn't love? I'm sure that if the position was reversed, you wouldn't expect him to take responsibility for you, you wouldn't deliberately make his life hard - but he's doing just that to you. No matter how much we love someone, we should not, and must not, think that we are responsible for their actions. You may not realise it, but you are a strong woman. Look at his reaction to your talk this morning, if you don't do what he wants, he will let himself get ill. Can you see that this is blackmail? Do what I want or else..
But you can be strong. The more you show this strength, the more you are taking his power away from him and you have already started. Why should you live in fear of what he will do? Sweetheart, he is a coward, using his illness to exert power over his wife and children - and you have done NOTHING to deserve this. It's not ok, it's not right, but you can change it.
Go and see your gp, tell him/her everything you have told us. It will be in confidence, and you need to let someone know what's happening. Counselling could help you get the strength you need to stand up to his bullying, for that's what it is. Do you want to spend the next ten, twenty, thirty years living like this? Because it will only get worse, and your children need you more than he does. You aren't walking away, you are giving him the chance to do the right thing.
Be strong x
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You mean you conveniently found him in the shed....
I knew a girl like this years ago.. Let myself in her flat (we'd spoke earlier, knew I was coming.) & the place was in darkness. Walked through to the bedroom. & she was layed out like Snow White, with cut arms & toilet cleaner in the wounds...
All because she didn't like me going to work & not being with her all day...?
That was many years ago & she's still OK....
Molly56
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@Stusky ....I have been following this thread with interest as I have been where you are......other members on here will be familiar with my story and @Totto @AndBreathe @Brunneria @ladybird64 to name but a few have all given me similar advice over the time....
...there does come a time though when you will hopefully find the strength and courage to make the decisions that you need to make....I guess my story is testimony to that as I have now found that and am making the necessary changes to implement those changes in my life....in part it was due to all of the advice given to me on here and though it may not appear that I was listening at the time, I was.....my main catalyst however was finding someone who has been so supportive in helping me through this that I couldn't thank them enough (they know who they are)...without them I would probably be continuing down the same old path for years to come and ending up in a really bad place....
...I guess what I am really saying is that you need to find the right support for you....whether that is from your GP ...from another family member....from a close friend....or from another member of the forum (like I did)......tell them everything and let them help you to find the right answers for you......sharing your problem will help to ease the burden and allow you to make the right decisions for you and for your children...
...just picking up and updating on my situation...my now ex partner is moving out in the next couple of weeks....like your husband he has made idle threats about killing himself but I see them for what they are now and have the strength to deal with them appropriately....of course if I knew that they were anything other than that I would probably make that call to get him the help that he needs...
...finally just a couple of phrases that have helped me along the way given to me by other members of the forum here that have helped me through my journey....the first is 'Stay Strong' ....thank you to @Enclave for that one....and the second is 'there are no problems, only solutions'....hoping I have remembered that one correctly but you get the idea...
..I wish you well and hope that you find the solutions that are right for you. ....
Take care
...there does come a time though when you will hopefully find the strength and courage to make the decisions that you need to make....I guess my story is testimony to that as I have now found that and am making the necessary changes to implement those changes in my life....in part it was due to all of the advice given to me on here and though it may not appear that I was listening at the time, I was.....my main catalyst however was finding someone who has been so supportive in helping me through this that I couldn't thank them enough (they know who they are)...without them I would probably be continuing down the same old path for years to come and ending up in a really bad place....
...I guess what I am really saying is that you need to find the right support for you....whether that is from your GP ...from another family member....from a close friend....or from another member of the forum (like I did)......tell them everything and let them help you to find the right answers for you......sharing your problem will help to ease the burden and allow you to make the right decisions for you and for your children...
...just picking up and updating on my situation...my now ex partner is moving out in the next couple of weeks....like your husband he has made idle threats about killing himself but I see them for what they are now and have the strength to deal with them appropriately....of course if I knew that they were anything other than that I would probably make that call to get him the help that he needs...
...finally just a couple of phrases that have helped me along the way given to me by other members of the forum here that have helped me through my journey....the first is 'Stay Strong' ....thank you to @Enclave for that one....and the second is 'there are no problems, only solutions'....hoping I have remembered that one correctly but you get the idea...
..I wish you well and hope that you find the solutions that are right for you. ....
Take care
Hi thank you all.so such good advices spent most of yesterday and last night doing a lot of thinking and deciding what I am going to so far I have told him I am taking back control of my life I going to take it one day at a time I also going to.see the doctor and I have talked with my sister who have said she will always be there for me as to him I don't no what he going to do but I will be is mistakes to make not mine I will let you all know how it goes I want to say thanks again for all the good advice
BooJewels
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All the very best @Stusky - I've been reading this thread with interest. One of the very most important things you can do in tricky situations, is make a decision. You've now decided how to move forwards and take control of your life. It will be the first step to a better future for you I'm sure. I'm sure you feel better just for making some plans in your own mind.
My husband was critically ill in 2005 and it messed up his mind a little and he went for counseling as everything seemed to get to him afterwards during his recovery (its an effect of the drugs on life support) and the most important lesson he learned from that - as others have already said - you can't change other people or how they treat you or behave towards you, but you can change how you respond to it, or how it makes you feel. I think you've realised that now and have taken that first important step in putting yourself first.
I have health issues, my husband has worse ones and we work together on all of them as a team, which is how a marriage should work - as a partnership. Your relationship is much more one-sided and your husband's expectations are unrealistic. I'm sure you'd be happy to support him in his management of his diabetes, but he has to take ownership of his own problem first, your support should be supplementary and supportive to that. Good luck!
My husband was critically ill in 2005 and it messed up his mind a little and he went for counseling as everything seemed to get to him afterwards during his recovery (its an effect of the drugs on life support) and the most important lesson he learned from that - as others have already said - you can't change other people or how they treat you or behave towards you, but you can change how you respond to it, or how it makes you feel. I think you've realised that now and have taken that first important step in putting yourself first.
I have health issues, my husband has worse ones and we work together on all of them as a team, which is how a marriage should work - as a partnership. Your relationship is much more one-sided and your husband's expectations are unrealistic. I'm sure you'd be happy to support him in his management of his diabetes, but he has to take ownership of his own problem first, your support should be supplementary and supportive to that. Good luck!
Molly56
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@Stusky .....have just been re-reading this thread that I had been watching and wondered how things are going for you now....as I mentioned in my earlier reply I can see a lot of similarities between our two situations so can understand what you are going through...
......I can also relate to a lot of the comments made by other members and that has helped me to accept and resolve my own situation....life can move on and get better...it takes strength and courage and support to do so but I have now done that.....I have taken steps to end what I now see was an abusive relationship and am looking forward to a brighter and happier future..
...I wish you well and am happy to talk either here or via private message if you prefer...take care and be strong....
......I can also relate to a lot of the comments made by other members and that has helped me to accept and resolve my own situation....life can move on and get better...it takes strength and courage and support to do so but I have now done that.....I have taken steps to end what I now see was an abusive relationship and am looking forward to a brighter and happier future..
...I wish you well and am happy to talk either here or via private message if you prefer...take care and be strong....
