Living with a partner with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes

[tizzy]

Some people seem to be very harsh nobody has been forced to advise or comment its strange isn't it when one person writes negative comments others follow personally didn't have a clue what to advise so didn't but feel very sorry for Molly 56 for the change in attitude from some posters destroys your faith in human nature doesn't it

 

[douglas99]

Some people seem to be very harsh nobody has been forced to advise or comment its strange isn't it when one person writes negative comments others follow personally didn't have a clue what to advise so didn't but feel very sorry for Molly 56 for the change in attitude from some posters destroys your faith in human nature doesn't it

I agree with you entirely.

I'm disappointed when I read comments such as

'Killing himself is fine he has already decided to do that'

That's not a statement I would agree with if it was my partner, and don't doubt for a second the op agrees it's fine either.

 

[catherinecherub]

Everyone is entitled to their opinion.
As to whether Molly chooses to take it is up to her but this thread is not about what posters think about each other.
Please keep it on track.

 

[AndBreathe]

I feel I really need to add one thing to this thread, from my perspective, as I seem to be the one who voiced what others appear to have agreed with, and somehow enabled their comments.

Personally, I would disagree with @Molly56 when she says I criticise. I would say I have given feedback, which is what she asked for way, way back. That feedback is based upon a number of days, weeks and months of observation of serial updates with little material change in either actions or outcomes.

That Molly chooses to disagree with the feedback is absolutely fine, and if Molly is committed to supporting and standing by her man, whatever happens, that's also fine, but that's not what Molly has "verbalised" along the way. Molly has stated she is distancing herself and withdrawing day-to-day support, in terms of repeatedly encouraging a testing and dietary regime, but not actually having what I feel are the important discussions with the only person with whom those discussions should be taking place; her husband.

In my view (which is unchanged), unless Molly and her husband do not have a full and frank discussion, where each party discusses how they really feel about matters, this mis-match of expectations, and outcomes will plod on to a probably predictable outcome. I find that incredibly sad. And again, @Molly56, I would ask you to reconsider this position.

Once you both properly understand the real feelings of the other, then you can probably formulate a way forward, which will involve support or one of you walking.

If that feels critical, then I suggest you re-read the thread, from the beginning, and perhaps make notes of your statements along the way.

I think you are in a rotten place Molly, but, I reiterate, you are in control of how it moves forward. Your actions have as many consequences as his.

All actions have consequences. Inactions have consequences too.

 

[Molly56]

Molly, we are with you on this journey .. Your not alone .. Sometimes I post hard things and may not seem supportive, but in my own way I am still trying to support you. I had not realised your OH has already got nerve damage .. My advice has again changed to ..... Make life as comfy as possible for him... He must be worried sick about this .. But being an Aquarius he will hide all this from you... He thinks he must be beyond any point of changing and with this in mind ...... Just let him know you love him .... Keep him safe ... Ask him to read and research his condition, as he may still be able to turn this around and feel better ... Don't mistake his fear for stubboness .. Let him know that you will support him in any life choice he makes ...

Dear Molly
You may not like some of the advice you have received but you should not doubt that it is well intentioned and motivated by a genuine desire to help you.
Even those of us that feel somewhat frustrated by what we perceive as a hesitancy on your part to take the bull by the horns and resolve a situation that by your own admission you are less than happy about, respect the fact that this is your life to live and your choices to make.
I believe that all who have contributed, perhaps those whose advice you have found hard to hear most of all, have contributed out of genuine concern for you.
There is only so many times we can express sympathy for you though if we feel that you are contributing to your situation.

@Enclave @pavlosn.... I know I have not replied for a couple of days but just wanted to thank you both for your messages the other day...I think you must have caught me when I was feeling really low as both of your messages made me feel really emotional and actually brought a tear to my eye / I had a cry......guess it is just a sign that I am not coping with this as well as I thought I was......

Anyway thank you both for your frankness and your advice...... @Enclave thank you also for the private message, I will get round to replying to that shortly........ @pavlosn ....hearing from you always reminds me of happier times when I was less aware of his diabetes.....Cyprus was the destination of our first holiday together so holds a special place in my heart......

 

[Molly56]

I'd call it a 'for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health' moment.

I suspect Molly thinks differently, and that's what you have to understand, and why she isn't walking away, or intending to walk away.

@douglas99 ....just wanted to say thank you for your messages over the last few days....have not really been in the mood to answer / didn't know what to say to people after some of the recent comments on this thread....
Anyway, just wanted to say.......your first comment I guess holds true even though we are not married .....and no, I don't think I could walk away (even though many probably think that I should).......at least for now (and the forseeable future) I am still here and trying to be a supportive partner in the best way that I can.....

 

[Molly56]

Hi I have read with interest your dilemma with your partner & it's definitely a difficult one. My suggestion would be not be so soft. When you go with him to the nurse, and she gives her advice, then why don't you interject when he promises what he will do and tell her directly whats happening, maybe if your nurse at least hears the truth and possibly your partner would be embarrassed by what he is telling her, it may accomplish him to realise how serious you are and the nurse may also be be able to emphasize thew importance of what the recommendations are for his health and even maybe your relationship.
Try it I don't think you have anything to lose......

@daddys1 ....thank you for your message and your suggestions....have got an appointment with the diabetic nurse the week after next and will certainly take the opportunity to say more this time and tell her what will or will not work - exercise is always mentioned / he promises to do something and never does!
.....sometimes I feel that it is a it of a box ticking exercise from their point of view, though she did seem to be a little more helpful last time in terms of explaining about nerve damage when I brought the subject up.....is sometimes all a bit soft though in terms of explaining the consequences - almost like they don't want to frighten you....but think a few harsh home truths is really what is needed.....and from a health professional as he takes no notice if I try to explain.......and I do try..
....not sure if we will get to see the same one as last time but hopefully I can steer the conversation in the right direction...
As you say I have nothing to lose so is worth a try...

 

[daddys1]

Try and get her on your side, maybe even ask for the help directly from her, to explain to your partner thats it's no good agreeing to do things if your not going to follow it through.

Good luck

 

[Scouser58]

Hi Molly and everybody else posting. The should I/shouldn't I tell his kids? I would, because then I would be calm in my own mind that I had done the one thing that needed to said, to keep the kids in the loop of on going development of the diabetes problem. I would have no problem telling them.

The testing question? Test, test, and more testing, this is an important part of a diabetics daily 'treatment' plan The numbers from these 'stab the finger up to ?4 times a day' are the progress reports of the daily steps to get the control needed. I have never thought that 'no testing' is needed, do not agree. As graj0 has correctly said the HbA1c test is only a 3 monthly overview report of progress, and these need doing regular time span.

Molly the silly man in the red suit is getting nearer, and you must now concentrate on what you want to do over the 'silly season', bags, bags and more bags coming off the production line!

Keep posting and speak again soon, ttfn Karen

 

[pavlosn]

Hi Molly

Could you not either meet or speak on the phone with the health professional that will see your OH and explain the situation prior to your OH's review visit. Then, hopefully, she/he can tell your OH's some home truths during the review visit without this appearing to your OH as being the product of your own prompting or steering of the conversation.

It seems to me that you need to get this health professional on your side and as a minimum make him/her more aware of the true situation.

I hope I am not making a naive suggestion not knowing what such review visits are like.

Something needs to be done to shock your other half into taking better care of himself and since he does not respond to your own prompts maybe that something needs to come from his doctor/nurse.

Pavlos

 

[Molly56]

Hi Molly

Could you not either meet or speak on the phone with the health professional that will see your OH and explain the situation prior to your OH's review visit. Then, hopefully, she/he can tell your OH's some home truths during the review visit without this appearing to your OH as being the product of your own prompting or steering of the conversation.

It seems to me that you need to get this health professional on your side and as a minimum make him/her more aware of the true situation.

I hope I am not making a naive suggestion not knowing what such review visits are like.

Something needs to be done to shock your other half into taking better care of himself and since he does not respond to your own prompts maybe that something needs to come from his doctor/nurse.

Pavlos

@pavlosn ….thank you for your suggestion…this is something I have thought of doing but not sure how easy this would be to do…

I am not sure how it is where you live but here in the UK the issue of patient confidentiality can be restrictive in terms of discussing someone else’s health issues with a third party. For this reason wherever possible I arrange to attend all medical appointments with my partner…..partly to show support but also to hear first-hand what he is being told.

I also believe that the issue is further complicated by the fact that we are not married so I effectively have no rights to discuss these matters with a health professional. I remember hearing a radio programme some time ago where a woman was denied any information about her partners health conditions or even information about forthcoming medical appointments so that she could attend with her partner……they had been together for over 30 years, had kids together and were to all sense and purpose a ‘married couple’ …he had, amongst other health problem, dementia and was now in a care home and yet she had no rights to even receive notification of her partner’s appointments….

At least by attending appointments with him I can learn what the current situation is and then can speak with knowledge and authority when I need to…this in some way allows me to get round the patient confidentiality issue even if the health professional cannot respond back..

As far as speaking with the diabetic nurse is concerned I am not sure if this would either be possible or work…..there are a number working at our practice and you don’t always get to see the same one…it is something I have considered though and perhaps would be useful for future appointments…will see if I can build up a rapport with this one this time and perhaps suggest seeing her again next time for continuity of care.

As far as the GP goes I have done exactly as you suggested and have made an appointment with him in the past on the pretext of discussing my own health….the true purpose of the visit was to give him a heads up on the situation here at home so that the next time he saw my partner he had the full picture and not just what he was presented with on the day….

This sort of worked because even though he couldn’t directly comment both he knew and I knew what the situation was as I had full knowledge of my partner’s health issues and could discuss this without expecting a response from the GP so that patient confidentiality was not compromised.

The GP did give me some useful information about an outside source of information / support provided by a diabetic team in the community rather than in the practice itself but to date I have not got round to contacting them….perhaps I should find the details and look into it…..

 

[pavlosn]

Molly

On the separate issue of whether to tell his kids.

With Christmas coming up, if any kind of family gathering/meal with his kids is planned, you could bring the matter of his diabetes up indirectly perhaps in relation to helping himself to some inappropriate food or other and see how his kids react. It may be enough of an opening for them to discuss the subject of his diabetic care without you actually going behind his back to tell on him to them.

You will have to decide on whether this is a good idea based on your knowledge of your OH and his kids and the relationship between them.

Pavlos

 

[alliebee]

Molly another suggestion is you could write a letter to your DN in charge setting out all your concerns..As a nurse I've had letters like these at work and extremely helpful they were too. No pt confidentiality broken

 

[douglas99]

Molly

On the separate issue of whether to tell his kids.

With Christmas coming up, if any kind of family gathering/meal with his kids is planned, you could bring the matter of his diabetes up indirectly perhaps in relation to helping himself to some inappropriate food or other and see how his kids react. It may be enough of an opening for them to discuss the subject of his diabetic care without you actually going behind his back to tell on him to them.

You will have to decide on whether this is a good idea based on your knowledge of your OH and his kids and the relationship between them.

Pavlos

While I normally agree with pavlosn, perhaps it's because I see a bit of me in the op's partner, I wouldn't think that mentioning the food in that way over christmas would be wise.
It would cause a major row, and a lot of counter productive eating possibly, as a reaction to be 'told' not to eat it.

Swopping the traditional pudding for a nicer low carb one, and bringing it to the table with cream to pour over instead of custard could be a better tactic, and all eating the same.

(sorry @pavlosn )

 

[pavlosn]

While I normally agree with @pavlosn, perhaps it's because I see a bit of me in the op's partner, I wouldn't think that mentioning the food in that way over christmas would be wise.
It would cause a major row, and a lot of counter productive eating possibly, as a reaction to be 'told' not to eat it.

Swopping the traditional pudding for a nicer low carb one, and bringing it to the table with cream to pour over instead of custard could be a better tactic, and all eating the same.

(sorry Pavlos)

@douglas99

I suspect you may have a point.

In a way, that is why I qualified my advice in my last paragraph's reference to Molly's knowledge of her partner's character.

I am beating my brains out to think of a way out for Molly though.

Sometimes you must be prepared to break the eggs in order to make an omelette. Perhaps the immediate effect of what I suggested may be a not very pleasant Christmas gathering or even binging out of sheer stubbornness but I wonder if the long term benefits of his kids finding out and hopefully taking an interest may outweigh these.

Seems that Molly is damned if she tells his kids and damned if she doesn't.

Pavlos

 

[Molly56]

While I normally agree with pavlosn, perhaps it's because I see a bit of me in the op's partner, I wouldn't think that mentioning the food in that way over christmas would be wise.
It would cause a major row, and a lot of counter productive eating possibly, as a reaction to be 'told' not to eat it.

Swopping the traditional pudding for a nicer low carb one, and bringing it to the table with cream to pour over instead of custard could be a better tactic, and all eating the same.

(sorry @pavlosn )

@douglas99

I suspect you may have a point.

In a way, that is why I qualified my advice in my last paragraph's reference to Molly's knowledge of her partner's character.

I am beating my brains out to think of a way out for Molly though.

Sometimes you must be prepared to break the eggs in order to make an omelette. Perhaps the immediate effect of what I suggested may be a not very pleasant Christmas gathering or even binging out of sheer stubbornness but I wonder if the long term benefits of his kids finding out and hopefully taking an interest may outweigh these.

Seems that Molly is damned if she tells his kids and damned if she doesn't.

Pavlos

@douglas99 @pavlosn .....more great suggestions guys, thanks....the truth is that there will probably be no family gathering at Christmas .....he only has occasional contact with his son by phone and has no real contact with either of his daughters (family argument / loyalties) so the prospect of a family meal at Christmas are I would say non-existent......sad .....but true....

 

[Enclave]

I 'lost' my dad on Christmas eve a million years ago .. So Christmas is never a happy time .. Don't see my kids from a previous marriage either .. We have our Christmas Day a few days before the 25th .. Often the 21/22 ..I can then enjoy the day .. But I still cannot buy presents or be involved with any decorating the home . The wife has to do all that. One day I may buy her a present .. But I can not at the moment ... I guess I am saying you must find ways to make your days happy ... also try thinking outside the box ! I can't do that but the wife is excellent at that.

 

[Molly56]

Cannot exactly be sure but think that I have sensed a slightly more positive attitude over the last week.....could be down to a change in medication....has stopped amitriptyline and started on duloxetine...also reduced antidepressant (sertraline) by half over recent weeks......seems a bit more alert / less tired during the day so perhaps this is a positive sign......has a bit more incentive to do things / less inclined to go back to bed.....
Could it be that the previous medications were having such an effect to make him feel the way that he was.....guess I will never know...
........perhaps I just need to build on this newfound positive attitude and hopefully encourage more positive actions in managing his diabetes.....
Fingers crossed....perhaps there is still hope....

 

[graj0]

Could it be that the previous medications were having such an effect to make him feel the way that he was.....guess I will never know...

You may be right in that you will never know. I was only ever prescribed Citilapram for the anxiety of weight gain after being prescribed Rosiglitazone. I am sometimes very angry that what the GP prescribed caused me a lot of weight gain while at the same time not worrying about it. It also did permanent damage in that my liver function is never normal, but thank god it works.
I remember that even with Citilapram which is one of the milder drugs I was washing infrequently, only doing the bare minimum just to get by, I'd rather forget it all really.
I would suggest that prescribed medication, especially when prescribed for anxiety and/or depression has profound effects on mental attitude. Lets hope things are getting better and better all the time.

 

[pavlosn]

Cannot exactly be sure but think that I have sensed a slightly more positive attitude over the last week.....could be down to a change in medication....has stopped amitriptyline and started on duloxetine...also reduced antidepressant (sertraline) by half over recent weeks......seems a bit more alert / less tired during the day so perhaps this is a positive sign......has a bit more incentive to do things / less inclined to go back to bed.....
Could it be that the previous medications were having such an effect to make him feel the way that he was.....guess I will never know...
........perhaps I just need to build on this newfound positive attitude and hopefully encourage more positive actions in managing his diabetes.....
Fingers crossed....perhaps there is still hope....

Lovely to see a more positive post from you.

Let's hope it proves the first of many.

Encouraging and rewarding good behavior often proves a better motivator than criticizing bad.

Here's hoping for you and your OH.

Pavlos