Partners of diabetics

[Molly56]

Was just thinking earlier that I seem to have noticed a lot of partners of diabetics on here recently that all seem to be in similar boats (husbands or partners in various stages of denial about their diabetes)....and a similar boat to me....which got me thinking...

Does anyone have any useful hints or tips about how to deal with someone who really doesn't want to address their diabetes....thought it would be useful to share this and perhaps someone somewhere will find a lightbulb moment.....or something useful they can try in their own circumstances.

I would just say that I have found lots of useful advice here on the forum and in my own personal circumstances things have improved considerably since I joined the forum but sometimes I think it is difficult for a diabetic to contemplate how another person with diabetes can be so blinkered that they cannot see what is happening around them....if you are the partner of a diabetic in denial I think you will know what I mean.

Sorry, not sure if any of the above makes sense but if you are the partner of a diabetic in these circumstances I am hoping you will understand where I am coming from...

Am happy to talk and share experiences with anyone in the same boat...

 

[donnellysdogs]

Totally makes sense to me... Alchoholics and gamblers have meetings for their partners and to me eating is also an addiction of a sort and denial of diabetes etc is a compulsion of non acceptance as much as persons denying probs with smoking, gambling, drink etc.

Scenario's of denial are not just limited to diabetes... Crikey we all deny our imperfections... Me certainly included in that.

Partners do need help and support.

Although I am firmly a believer in dual help.... Only because talking things thru together with a really good Counsellor (on other issue's but still addiction based) helped me realise that I was not perfect and that as much as my hubby needed help thru his probs that impacted on me as his partner it was dual help that was needed. No good just one person struggling... No good the partner asking for help, or the problem person.... Dial action and talking was the only way for us....

I'm head strong (as most here know... So my poor hubby never got a chance for his views on some meaningful discussions until our Counsellor was there as 3rd party.

I wish we had joint 3rd part help years previous.. But no looking back...

Diabetes denial is not always the whole prob...we all have denials of imperfections in one way or another.

Supportive partners in diabetes denial is tough... And so demanding on partners but I think sometimes (certainly in my support to my not diabetic related hubby issues) I forgot that I wasn't the perfect person and that "joint" 3Rd party help was needed..

Denial of any problems such as diabetes, alchohol, gambling, depression, work, smoking, even PMT AND just general living can put us all in denial of the impact these things have on others....

I think mindfulness is the greatest quality to have in every life and every human. That is the greatest thought our "joint" counsellor taught us.

 

[Jaylee]

All I know is. I was once in an abusive relationship with a drug addict. She refused counselling after not hearing what she wanted to hear, but quite happy to take the prescribed drugs.. After being called in by her councellor after she refused & missed an appointment. I was advised that although she couldn't tell me what to do regarding my relationship choices . If I chose to leave?, the professionals were trained to pick up the pieces...
It was the best health choice I ever made when I took up their advice & walked!

Just to add.. It was a story about re-addressing my own T1 D... But it works too if your not.

 

[ButtterflyLady]

My ex was in denial about some health and other issues he had and the stress made me ill, so I left after years of heartache trying to get him to take notice. Counselling only contributed to the problem because he still took no notice, and it kept me in the relationship longer than was healthy for me.

I think the only thing that will work with someone in denial about their diabetes is to get a rude shock, such as their partner leaving, or stopping enabling them and caring for them. These people are adults and need to do their own shopping and cooking. If we do things for them, why would they ever need to take responsibility for themselves?

My advice to partners is to look after yourself first, eat healthy, ignore their bad food and drink choices, and don't nag or try to control them. If they continue to show a lack of respect for themselves and you, then ask yourself if this is love. How long can you continue to watch them harm themselves? You cannot make them change, they have to hit rock bottom and see it for themselves.

If they get angry and raise their voice to you or put you down, then please get help from a family violence/domestic abuse helpline or centre. Abuse starts out like this and typically gets worse. Ask your friends and family for help too. Often they can see a situation more clearly than we can, because we are in it.

 

[donnellysdogs]

Isn't it strange that two ways can both have good effects.

I also agree with the "leave them to it" scenario. I know my hubby wanted me more than anything so was willing to change and I was willing to support.

It could have been other way where he didn't want change.

Change is the word isn't it?
Why won't certain partners change and help themselves
Is it because they are too comfortable to make any change?

Dealing with someone who doesn't want to address their diabetes is hard.. But basically I do think its down to individual- one person has to change.. If the diabetic won't then the partner effectively has too. The partner has to change against their will and become the supported person themselves.

It will be the partners not the diabetics that are given the depression talks, the tablets and support to cope. They will end up in a miserable existance trying to care and getting no thanks for it..

Even in relationship with my hubby I would not have taken him not changing. I was treated as the depressed one for years... But it was dealing with his actions.. Not mine.. I was only down becauss the impact of him. If he hadn't changed then he would have been gone. There has to be a point where you have to think better of yourself.

 

[Molly56]

Some great replies but perhaps not quite what I was expecting...or hoping for.....

I think the angle I was hoping to come from was looking for small tips or practical advice to help partners cope with their diabetic partners when dealing with day to day issues like food choices.....for example like clearing the cupboards of unsuitable foods and encouraging alternative food choices ....granted my partner can go out and buy unsuitable food if he wanted to (I have no control over that) but at home I have cleared the cupboards of biscuits etc so that they are not readily available if he wants to have a binge....I keep a loaf of bread in the freezer as I have toast for my breakfast and can defrost a slice if I need it but there again it is not readily available if he just fancies a sandwich or a few slices of bread and butter (which he used to on a regular basis)....
...dropping information into a conversation now and again has gradually moved him away from some foodstuffs and he now no longer eats potatoes.......just gradually cutting them down at first was the key and substituting with other more suitable vegetables.....pies etc are only now purchased occasionally and when they are the carb content is looked at....would never have believed even a year ago that he would be looking at the carb content and sugar content of foods when he goes to do the shopping but he does...

Another thing that I have found is that sometimes he seems to take more notice of things if someone else mentions it to him rather than myself....whether that is a family member, a friend or a medical professional.....has anyone else noticed this with their partner or husband...perhaps it is worth looking for other solutions to the problem and if you can identify someone within your circle that they will take notice of then finding the opportunity to have a quiet word and see if you can get some help or support in tackling the issue.....personally I know that my partner will take a certain amount of notice from a third party and have used this on a couple of occasions to encourage change....with a recent very positive example only just this week....

I believe that it is possible to encourage even a little change from the most obstinate of people....you just have to find the right way for you (and your partner)....even a little change is progress in my book...as someone on here once said to me.... "baby steps"....

Failing all of the above I guess you can always pack that suitcase but for me that would be the absolute last resort......

If anyone else has some practical tips or advice that would help on a daily basis to encourage change I am sure they would be welcomed by those in the same boat....

 

[paruri]

@Molly56 thanks for starting this thread

 

[Jaylee]

Some great replies but perhaps not quite what I was expecting...or hoping for.....

I think the angle I was hoping to come from was looking for small tips or practical advice to help partners cope with their diabetic partners when dealing with day to day issues like food choices.....for example like clearing the cupboards of unsuitable foods and encouraging alternative food choices ....granted my partner can go out and buy unsuitable food if he wanted to (I have no control over that) but at home I have cleared the cupboards of biscuits etc so that they are not readily available if he wants to have a binge....I keep a loaf of bread in the freezer as I have toast for my breakfast and can defrost a slice if I need it but there again it is not readily available if he just fancies a sandwich or a few slices of bread and butter (which he used to on a regular basis)....
...dropping information into a conversation now and again has gradually moved him away from some foodstuffs and he now no longer eats potatoes.......just gradually cutting them down at first was the key and substituting with other more suitable vegetables.....pies etc are only now purchased occasionally and when they are the carb content is looked at....would never have believed even a year ago that he would be looking at the carb content and sugar content of foods when he goes to do the shopping but he does...

Another thing that I have found is that sometimes he seems to take more notice of things if someone else mentions it to him rather than myself....whether that is a family member, a friend or a medical professional.....has anyone else noticed this with their partner or husband...perhaps it is worth looking for other solutions to the problem and if you can identify someone within your circle that they will take notice of then finding the opportunity to have a quiet word and see if you can get some help or support in tackling the issue.....personally I know that my partner will take a certain amount of notice from a third party and have used this on a couple of occasions to encourage change....with a recent very positive example only just this week....

I believe that it is possible to encourage even a little change from the most obstinate of people....you just have to find the right way for you (and your partner)....even a little change is progress in my book...as someone on here once said to me.... "baby steps"....

Failing all of the above I guess you can always pack that suitcase but for me that would be the absolute last resort......

If anyone else has some practical tips or advice that would help on a daily basis to encourage change I am sure they would be welcomed by those in the same boat....

I applaud your husband/partner taking these measures. Sounds to me, like he's ready to join this forum!

 

[hels]

I'm the one with diabetes. I don't mind my partner having and eating in front of me his crisps/chocolate/sweets but it winds me right up when he eats MY nuts/seeds/olives. Particularly when he gets a massive bowl of peanuts as I can only tolerate a handful.

 

[Jaylee]

I'm the one with diabetes. I don't mind my partner having and eating in front of me his crisps/chocolate/sweets but it winds me right up when he eats MY nuts/seeds/olives. Particularly when he gets a massive bowl of peanuts as I can only tolerate a handful.

Lol. If he lets you have the quota of nuts you can tolerate though. It sounds like he's "taking one for the team."

 

[donnellysdogs]

I suspect @Molly56 that your limiting food choices has helped your partner enormously.

My Mum emptied my cupboards before I came out of hospital. In those days she used to make me home made food and bring to me.. Even though I had left home 4 years before!

Emptying cupboards is the best start to helping. Just keep an eye out under car seats or cupboards for secret stashes!!

 

[Molly56]

Emptying cupboards is the best start to helping. Just keep an eye out under car seats or cupboards for secret stashes!!

@donnellysdogs ...just wondered if this is referring to my jar of apricot jam hidden at the back of my saucepan cupboard...the only problem I find with my secret stash of food is remembering where I have hidden it....

 

[timerich]

Not sure if my husband was in denial, he just basically ignored the fact he was diabetic, ate anything he fancied and NHS advice on starchy carbs at every meal was a license to gorge. Basically, I assumed he knew what he was doing, winegums in the car, boiled sweets in every pocket. In May 2014, he was pretty ill combination of heart failure and diabetes very high sugars and I became his full time carer. Unfortunately,it was only this April when I found out about LCHF. As he's become totally dependent on me for meals (he used to do most of the cooking) I just switched. He enjoys the meals, and it's really made a massive difference to his BS. I also no longer have anything in the house that he shouldn't eat! I still don't think he takes responsibility for his health and I suppose I just took over.

 

[messy]

I read this thread with interest. I had the opposite problem upon my diagnosis last year, my partner went into denial that I had diabetes, which I found strange since he had been t1 for 35 years. I used his meter to check my bg when a friend commented on my weight loss and it all clicked into place. When I check my level it was above 20, he even asked me not to go to our gp.

My father had died a few months before, but on one occasion when he was hospital, the guy in the next bed had just recovered from one leg being amputated and back in with medical staff trying to save the other. All he could say was that diabetes was the worst thing that had happened to him.

NO the worst thing that had happened to him was his self and lack of control.

I have a life to lead, diabetic or not, I've coped as partner of a diabetic for years and now as a diabetic myself. No it's not fair, mine is inherited t1.5, but I'm happy and healthy and all my organs and limbs are working, alas the pancreas is a little troublesome but hayhow

 

[donnellysdogs]

@donnellysdogs ...just wondered if this is referring to my jar of apricot jam hidden at the back of my saucepan cupboard...the only problem I find with my secret stash of food is remembering where I have hidden it....

It was your partners secret stash of food!! My hubby would grab a chock bar n pack of crisps at a garage on way to work n hide the empty wrappers under his seat. However, he doesn't clean his car-I do!! lol... He doesn't do that anymore but I suspect my hubby isn't the only one!!

 

[Jaylee]

It was your partners secret stash of food!! My hubby would grab a chock bar n pack of crisps at a garage on way to work n hide the empty wrappers under his seat. However, he doesn't clean his car-I do!! lol... He doesn't do that anymore but I suspect my hubby isn't the only one!!

Is your husband diabetic DD? Sounds like hypo treating & following up with longer acting carb, sourced from the limited choice at the local filling station to me...?!

 

[Pipp]

In my 10 years since T2 diagnosis, my partner has supported me by firstly letting me make my own research and decisions about how I control my BG, and secondly, supporting any diet and lifestyle changes by not bringing junk food into the house, and eating a similar low carb diet to mine. He did draw the line at following the Newcastle diet, though. The main thing being that I was the one who had to take ownership of my chronic health condition and he was just providing encouragement not directing the show.

 

[donnellysdogs]

Is your husband diabetic DD? Sounds like hypo treating & following up with longer acting carb, sourced from the limited choice at the local filling station to me...?!

No, he's not the diabetic!! It used to do anything around me to support me but away from me he scoffed!! Since he stopped the hidden binges away from me and joined me in eating the same then he lost 4st in weight.

I think @Molly56 is really looking for partners contributions.. Sorry for straying...

 

[SteveOsborne]

I'm T1 diabetic since February last year also with a son of 2 and a half(diagnosed over a year ago) with T1. I've been having a rough time lately struggling to control our son, myself and stress at work. I'm was getting angry at the world in general and especially my wife and 5 year old daughter. Until my wife threw the tablet in front of me with an article about a girl who recently died of diabetes at a tender age of 35 due to lack of control, not taking her insulin ad she should have. Well lets say that gave me the kick up the backside I needed.

 

[Jaylee]

No, he's not the diabetic!! It used to do anything around me to support me but away from me he scoffed!! Since he stopped the hidden binges away from me and joined me in eating the same then he lost 4st in weight.

I think @Molly56 is really looking for partners contributions.. Sorry for straying...

Ah, I see.. Sorry bout that. Though to be fair. The demographic on this forum is pretty much by nature "wall to wall" Ds.