Am I depressed? :(

[beardedt1]

Hello everyone, this is my first ever post on this site. This may end up being a lengthy post and I do apologise. I really did not want to write this because I do not want to complain about my health but I have such a large build-up of emotions, I just need to vent them out.

I was diagnosed with type 1 on the 29th December 2012 and my reaction was absolute heartbreak and despair. I had experienced symptoms such as frequent urination, extreme thirst, numb arms and legs, tingling, hunger for an entire month. I knew I was diabetic before my GP told me so I guess I was kind of relieved.

I spent the whole of 2013 getting used to my condition. The first 4 months of 2013 were the best and worst months of my entire life. I felt like a completely new person and learning about my condition, the trials and errors and everything else was just so new to me and in a way, exciting. At the same time, a lot of tears were shed when I was alone and I also suffered many sleepless nights. My anxiety was through the roof and at night my body would twitch, my limbs would go numb and it was just a nightmare. Of course nobody knew about this, and I don't insist on ever telling anybody I love because the last thing I want is to worry them.

Anyway so by the end of 2013, I was almost 100% used to the condition and by 2014, I was a pro. Not to sound like a brag but I was managing my sugar levels beautifully and I would impress my endocrinologist each time I saw her. My hba1c was always at a perfect number and everything felt good. However, as I was succeeding with my illness, my aunt, who i love dearly was only getting worse with her Multiple Sclerosis. She's had MS for 15 years now. She's seemed to be in perfect health her entire life until 2013 when she had a huge relapse that left her with balance issues which then turned into fatigue, not being able to walk for long, wheelchair and now bedridden and nothing breaks my heart more than seeing her not able to care for herself. I think about her every day and it just makes me very upset and angry to think about her current state.

This entire year so far I have witnessed myself get lazier and lazier as months go by. It's gotten so bad that on some days, I only check my blood sugar levels once or twice. I keep lying to myself and tell myself that I'm fine and that I'm managing well but days like today remind me that I'm not. These last two years, I have remained strong but I don't feel that tough anymore.

Sometimes I wake up and don't have the energy to get out of bed and face the day. But for the sake of my family I just force myself up, put on a mask and get on with the day, and I feel miserable. I feel guilty because I'm not supposed to be feeling like this when there are people like my aunt who have it far worse than me. I find myself getting fed up over my condition a lot lately which never used to happen as bad as it does now. Sometimes i cry a lot when I'm alone. I cry over the fact that my aunt won't ever get better and won't see me get married and have children. Other days I'm just so exhausted from the constant injections that I begin to think "why me?". I thought this year would be good but it feels like 2013 all over again, with less happy moments and more sorrow.

I don't want to talk to anybody close to me about this because the last thing I want is for them to know I am going through this and for them to worry. My mum already makes diabetes to be a big deal and she worries a lot. I have never wanted any sympathy, all I have ever wanted is to get on with my life like any other human being. I have also noticed that I feel uncomfortable talking about my condition when last year, I did not mind at all. Counselling is not an option and I do not want to go through that anyway. Since my diagnosis, I have not once worried about future complications and my diabetes has no really scared me much but recently, I have been thinking about my health in the future and for the first ever time, I do feel scared.

I feel suffocated so I'm reaching out to you guys because hopefully, many of you understand how tiring living with diabetes can get. I need some advice on what I can do to feel like myself again.

Thank you <3

 

[Brunneria]

Hi and welcome.

I am currently kicking myself because there are a couple of really good links that are often posted on the forum, but I have never saved the links, and can't produce them for you now. hopefully someone will be along who has them handy.

The first one is about Diabetes Burnout. I think it is totally understandable, and very common, especially to Type 1s. And the important thing to remember is that it is a stage. And like all stages, it WILL pass.

The second is about the different States of Grief. And it describes how we go through a number of different emotional states after a diagnosis like diabetes. Not unlike the stages of grief when we have lost a loved one.

I am really sorry, but I have to go out in about 5 minutes, or I would hunt out those links for you. But if you want to look for yourself, just do a search for Stages of Grief and Diabetes Burnout.

I think you may be relieved to discover that however awful you feel, there are many, many other diabetics who have experienced the same thing, and have come through it. And a lot of them post on this forum!

 

[Gerry1946]

Hello everyone, this is my first ever post on this site. This may end up being a lengthy post and I do apologise. I really did not want to write this because I do not want to complain about my health but I have such a large build-up of emotions, I just need to vent them out.

I was diagnosed with type 1 on the 29th December 2012 and my reaction was absolute heartbreak and despair. I had experienced symptoms such as frequent urination, extreme thirst, numb arms and legs, tingling, hunger for an entire month. I knew I was diabetic before my GP told me so I guess I was kind of relieved.

I spent the whole of 2013 getting used to my condition. The first 4 months of 2013 were the best and worst months of my entire life. I felt like a completely new person and learning about my condition, the trials and errors and everything else was just so new to me and in a way, exciting. At the same time, a lot of tears were shed when I was alone and I also suffered many sleepless nights. My anxiety was through the roof and at night my body would twitch, my limbs would go numb and it was just a nightmare. Of course nobody knew about this, and I don't insist on ever telling anybody I love because the last thing I want is to worry them.

Anyway so by the end of 2013, I was almost 100% used to the condition and by 2014, I was a pro. Not to sound like a brag but I was managing my sugar levels beautifully and I would impress my endocrinologist each time I saw her. My hba1c was always at a perfect number and everything felt good. However, as I was succeeding with my illness, my aunt, who i love dearly was only getting worse with her Multiple Sclerosis. She's had MS for 15 years now. She's seemed to be in perfect health her entire life until 2013 when she had a huge relapse that left her with balance issues which then turned into fatigue, not being able to walk for long, wheelchair and now bedridden and nothing breaks my heart more than seeing her not able to care for herself. I think about her every day and it just makes me very upset and angry to think about her current state.

This entire year so far I have witnessed myself get lazier and lazier as months go by. It's gotten so bad that on some days, I only check my blood sugar levels once or twice. I keep lying to myself and tell myself that I'm fine and that I'm managing well but days like today remind me that I'm not. These last two years, I have remained strong but I don't feel that tough anymore.

Sometimes I wake up and don't have the energy to get out of bed and face the day. But for the sake of my family I just force myself up, put on a mask and get on with the day, and I feel miserable. I feel guilty because I'm not supposed to be feeling like this when there are people like my aunt who have it far worse than me. I find myself getting fed up over my condition a lot lately which never used to happen as bad as it does now. Sometimes i cry a lot when I'm alone. I cry over the fact that my aunt won't ever get better and won't see me get married and have children. Other days I'm just so exhausted from the constant injections that I begin to think "why me?". I thought this year would be good but it feels like 2013 all over again, with less happy moments and more sorrow.

I don't want to talk to anybody close to me about this because the last thing I want is for them to know I am going through this and for them to worry. My mum already makes diabetes to be a big deal and she worries a lot. I have never wanted any sympathy, all I have ever wanted is to get on with my life like any other human being. I have also noticed that I feel uncomfortable talking about my condition when last year, I did not mind at all. Counselling is not an option and I do not want to go through that anyway. Since my diagnosis, I have not once worried about future complications and my diabetes has no really scared me much but recently, I have been thinking about my health in the future and for the first ever time, I do feel scared.

I feel suffocated so I'm reaching out to you guys because hopefully, many of you understand how tiring living with diabetes can get. I need some advice on what I can do to feel like myself again.

Thank you <3

Hi ,
I am a male in my 60's I have gone through 2 CVA Strokes 3 TIA Strokes , I have had 4 MI's Heart Attacks & have 4 Stent Implants, I then got C O P D in my Lungs & thought what else can Happen to me now, But no I ended up Diabetic and I am on medication tablets plus I am Injecting, I have CAD + High Blood Pressure , I suffer with Neuropathy Nerve Damage to both my legs and the circulation is completely gone in my left leg which is not much to me since the CVA Strokes, I get out and about on my Mobility Scooter and travel at least 4 times per year around Europe as I love my freedom to travel,

So the message I am sending out is be positive do not think too much about your medical conditions as you stated your self there is always someone else with more serious problems, Except what you have and be happy to be ALIVE , As life is short we have to make the best of it,

The most important thing in life as I see it is acceptance and remain as positive as possible at all times and if you are suffering do so in silence and do not complain in public as your friends will be bored stiff of listening to the same old complaints and will want to avoid meeting with you, get out of the house as often as possible meeting people with a smile on your face, and people around you will smile as they say smile and the world smiles with you,

I wish you the best of luck for the future and hope your health improves,

From GERRY 1946.

 

[noblehead]

Welcome to the forum.

I'm going to tag @catherinecherub as she has a link to the Diabetes Burnout article that Brunneria talks about earlier.

Watching a close relative struggle with ill-health is a terrible ordeal and it does drag you down as you feel so helpless, I'll I can suggest is you have a chat with your gp and diabetes care team and hopefully they'll help and support you through this difficult time in your life.

Best wishes.

 

[catherinecherub]

These are the links that you will find helpful and will explain what you are going through.

http://www.diabetesexplained.com/the-five-stages-of-grief.html

http://www.diabetesexplained.com/diabetic-burnout.html

 

[azure]

I second talking to your GP. There's a Depression Questionnaire some GPs use, which ihelps them see if you may be depressed. Some of what you describe could be depression, but only a doctor could say for sure. If you are depressed, then the doctor can point you towards the best source of help. It's not always medication. Sometimes they'll recommend counselling or similar.

I'm really sorry about your aunt. It's not surprising it's made you think about your own health in the future. I find anything like that makes you think about your own life.

If your blood sugars aren't as well controlled as they've been in the past, then that might be adding to the problem as out of range blood sugars can make you feel bad physically and emotionally too.

I know you don't want to talk to your family but do you have any friends who might understand? Sometimes just by getting our concerns off our chest, it can help.

 

[beardedt1]

Hi and welcome.

I am currently kicking myself because there are a couple of really good links that are often posted on the forum, but I have never saved the links, and can't produce them for you now. hopefully someone will be along who has them handy.

The first one is about Diabetes Burnout. I think it is totally understandable, and very common, especially to Type 1s. And the important thing to remember is that it is a stage. And like all stages, it WILL pass.

The second is about the different States of Grief. And it describes how we go through a number of different emotional states after a diagnosis like diabetes. Not unlike the stages of grief when we have lost a loved one.

I am really sorry, but I have to go out in about 5 minutes, or I would hunt out those links for you. But if you want to look for yourself, just do a search for Stages of Grief and Diabetes Burnout.

I think you may be relieved to discover that however awful you feel, there are many, many other diabetics who have experienced the same thing, and have come through it. And a lot of them post on this forum!

Hi, thank you so much for your reply. I will search those up later when I'm free. You have nothing to be sorry over, thanks for your help!

 

[beardedt1]

Hi ,
I am a male in my 60's I have gone through 2 CVA Strokes 3 TIA Strokes , I have had 4 MI's Heart Attacks & have 4 Stent Implants, I then got C O P D in my Lungs & thought what else can Happen to me now, But no I ended up Diabetic and I am on medication tablets plus I am Injecting, I have CAD + High Blood Pressure , I suffer with Neuropathy Nerve Damage to both my legs and the circulation is completely gone in my left leg which is not much to me since the CVA Strokes, I get out and about on my Mobility Scooter and travel at least 4 times per year around Europe as I love my freedom to travel,

So the message I am sending out is be positive do not think too much about your medical conditions as you stated your self there is always someone else with more serious problems, Except what you have and be happy to be ALIVE , As life is short we have to make the best of it,

The most important thing in life as I see it is acceptance and remain as positive as possible at all times and if you are suffering do so in silence and do not complain in public as your friends will be bored stiff of listening to the same old complaints and will want to avoid meeting with you, get out of the house as often as possible meeting people with a smile on your face, and people around you will smile as they say smile and the world smiles with you,

I wish you the best of luck for the future and hope your health improves,

From GERRY 1946.

Wow, you have gone through a lot! I have so much respect for you. I am extremely sorry that you suffer so much and reading about how positively you carry yourself by not letting the complications affect your spirit truly is inspirational. I also do not complain to my friends because I'm sure they have their own problems and would not like to hear me fuss over my health all the time. Thank you for your reply and you certainly have lifted my mood. Take care and I pray that you live as happily and as comfortably as possible!

 

[beardedt1]

Watching a close relative struggle with ill-health is a terrible ordeal and it does drag you down as you feel so helpless, I'll I can suggest is you have a chat with your gp and diabetes care team and hopefully they'll help and support you through this difficult time in your life.

Best wishes.[/QUOTE]

These are the links that you will find helpful and will explain what you are going through.

http://www.diabetesexplained.com/the-five-stages-of-grief.html

http://www.diabetesexplained.com/diabetic-burnout.html

A huge thanks to both of you! I will be checking those links out later. Feeling helpless is the best way to describe it. Some days are easier than others I guess. Making her laugh and to see her happy and smiling is what keeps me holding on.

 

[Jo123]

Hi, sorry you are feeling so low at the moment. I am only prediabetic so have no idea what you are going for you, but I have two sons who I guess would be around your age and I would hate for them to be feeling like you are at the moment.
Can you go to a sympathetic GP and tell him how you are feeling, I know you don't want counselling but it might help to get it off your chest. I am so sorry about your aunt, but she wouldn't want you being upset over her.
Please, please take more care over your blood sugar, you sound a lovely young man and you want to avoid any future health problems.

 

[beardedt1]

I second talking to your GP. There's a Depression Questionnaire some GPs use, which ihelps them see if you may be depressed. Some of what you describe could be depression, but only a doctor could say for sure. If you are depressed, then the doctor can point you towards the best source of help. It's not always medication. Sometimes they'll recommend counselling or similar.

I'm really sorry about your aunt. It's not surprising it's made you think about your own health in the future. I find anything like that makes you think about your own life.

If your blood sugars aren't as well controlled as they've been in the past, then that might be adding to the problem as out of range blood sugars can make you feel bad physically and emotionally too.

I know you don't want to talk to your family but do you have any friends who might understand? Sometimes just by getting our concerns off our chest, it can help.

I really would love to speak to my GP but I am also afraid that she may not keep it confidential. Usually, during my appointments, whatever I talk about with my GP is later sent home as a letter in which she just talks about what we discussed during my appointment and how she thinks I am getting on. If I do open up about these issues to her, I just want to make sure my that family do not come to know about it.

Thank you for your kind words, seeing my aunt deteriorate in a matter of 2 years has had a massive impact on my life and it has definitely made me worry about my own future. High blood sugars make me feel extremely tired, demotivated and even snappy and I really hate feeling like this. I will stop suffering in silence and open about these things to a close friend I can trust.

Again, a big thanks to you for your kind response and also another big thanks to everyone who has replied so far.

 

[azure]

I'd ask your GP not to send a letter home this time. Your conversation should definitely be confidential - your health always is. But you could stress to her how you don't want your family to get any hint of how,you're feeling. You could do this after you mention the letter. I'm sure she'd oblige.

It's normal to worry about the future on occasion, but don't let it become your focus. You're young and there's no reason why your future health should be bad. I'm a bit of a worrier too, but I try to stop myself because it can be exhausting.

You obviously love your aunt very much. Would it help if you thought about it from her point of view? What I mean is when I get worried about a loved one, I try to think what they'd want me to do. Usually, people you love also love you and they wouldn't want to think you were down or miserable. Sometimes thinking about that can be the motivation a person needs to look after themselves. I hope that's ok to say. It's something that has helped me when I've had family members very ill.

Keep us updated about how things go.

 

[beardedt1]

Hi, sorry you are feeling so low at the moment. I am only prediabetic so have no idea what you are going for you, but I have two sons who I guess would be around your age and I would hate for them to be feeling like you are at the moment.
Can you go to a sympathetic GP and tell him how you are feeling, I know you don't want counselling but it might help to get it off your chest. I am so sorry about your aunt, but she wouldn't want you being upset over her.
Please, please take more care over your blood sugar, you sound a lovely young man and you want to avoid any future health problems.

First of all, very kind words, thank you . Knowing you would not like to see your sons feeling like this is exactly why I cannot tell my mother or anybody else in my family. I will definitely talk to a doctor about what I'm going through. My aunt would hate to know how upset I am over her but then again, we can't help feeling this way over a loved one. I will try my best to get my blood sugars back into place! Take care

 

[ButtterflyLady]

I'm not sure why your doctor is sending letters home about your private medical information because that's against the law. Doctors must keep everything confidential unless disclosing something is necessary to save your life, and even then, they have to let you know in advance that they are going to do that. You're an adult now and it's not appropriate for your parents to know details about your medical care anymore, unless you want to tell them things yourself.

I agree with all the comments above, and just want to add that if you need medication for depression, that is not a sign of weakness. Just like insulin helps your body deal with diabetes, antidepressants might help your body deal with depression. It's a brain disorder and sometimes the brain chemicals need a helping hand for a while. Just a thought. I wish you all the best.

 

[June_C]

In the UK, if my Consultant sends a letter to my GP, by law he has to send a copy to me. If a GP sends a letter to his own patient I don't see that is illegal, after all he/she is not divulging private information to a 3rd party. It might be different in NZ....

 

[ButtterflyLady]

In the UK, if my Consultant sends a letter to my GP, by law he has to send a copy to me. If a GP sends a letter to his own patient I don't see that is illegal, after all he/she is not divulging private information to a 3rd party. It might be different in NZ....

I understood beardedt1 to have said the GP sends a letter to his parents. If the letter is to himself, then he doesn't have to show his parents, so there is no problem.

 

[June_C]

I didn't read it like that. He states a letter is sent to his home full stop. It's presumably addressed to him as he's an adult.

 

[mrspuddleduck]

@beardedt1. Hi, I'm a mum with a son a little older than you. Much of his teenage years were spent watching me struggle with a serious and complex illness so I have a little insight in how you feel and perhaps a lot of insight into how your aunt would feel.My son and I are lucky, we had the opportunity to talk through what was happening during those years but I know often for many many reasons that's not always possible. Despite this there were often things that my son couldn't bear to talk through with me, because I was his mum and because I was so ill, he believed he had to be strong for me. We made a pact, what he couldn't say to me he must say to someone else, and his best friend became his support at that time. Now when we look back, he says that the chance to share his worries, his grief and his stress with someone kept him going, physically and mentally. So please @beardedt1, go and talk to your GP again, if you can't say it to her show her this post, she will understand and she will help. As for the letter home, just ask her to put it on your notes that you do not want correspondence to go to your family address and that will be sorted quite easily. Take care and keep in touch with us, Sue x

 

[Totto]

Hello everyone, this is my first ever post on this site. This may end up being a lengthy post and I do apologise. I really did not want to write this because I do not want to complain about my health but I have such a large build-up of emotions, I just need to vent them out.

I was diagnosed with type 1 on the 29th December 2012 and my reaction was absolute heartbreak and despair. I had experienced symptoms such as frequent urination, extreme thirst, numb arms and legs, tingling, hunger for an entire month. I knew I was diabetic before my GP told me so I guess I was kind of relieved.

I spent the whole of 2013 getting used to my condition. The first 4 months of 2013 were the best and worst months of my entire life. I felt like a completely new person and learning about my condition, the trials and errors and everything else was just so new to me and in a way, exciting. At the same time, a lot of tears were shed when I was alone and I also suffered many sleepless nights. My anxiety was through the roof and at night my body would twitch, my limbs would go numb and it was just a nightmare. Of course nobody knew about this, and I don't insist on ever telling anybody I love because the last thing I want is to worry them.

Anyway so by the end of 2013, I was almost 100% used to the condition and by 2014, I was a pro. Not to sound like a brag but I was managing my sugar levels beautifully and I would impress my endocrinologist each time I saw her. My hba1c was always at a perfect number and everything felt good. However, as I was succeeding with my illness, my aunt, who i love dearly was only getting worse with her Multiple Sclerosis. She's had MS for 15 years now. She's seemed to be in perfect health her entire life until 2013 when she had a huge relapse that left her with balance issues which then turned into fatigue, not being able to walk for long, wheelchair and now bedridden and nothing breaks my heart more than seeing her not able to care for herself. I think about her every day and it just makes me very upset and angry to think about her current state.

This entire year so far I have witnessed myself get lazier and lazier as months go by. It's gotten so bad that on some days, I only check my blood sugar levels once or twice. I keep lying to myself and tell myself that I'm fine and that I'm managing well but days like today remind me that I'm not. These last two years, I have remained strong but I don't feel that tough anymore.

Sometimes I wake up and don't have the energy to get out of bed and face the day. But for the sake of my family I just force myself up, put on a mask and get on with the day, and I feel miserable. I feel guilty because I'm not supposed to be feeling like this when there are people like my aunt who have it far worse than me. I find myself getting fed up over my condition a lot lately which never used to happen as bad as it does now. Sometimes i cry a lot when I'm alone. I cry over the fact that my aunt won't ever get better and won't see me get married and have children. Other days I'm just so exhausted from the constant injections that I begin to think "why me?". I thought this year would be good but it feels like 2013 all over again, with less happy moments and more sorrow.

I don't want to talk to anybody close to me about this because the last thing I want is for them to know I am going through this and for them to worry. My mum already makes diabetes to be a big deal and she worries a lot. I have never wanted any sympathy, all I have ever wanted is to get on with my life like any other human being. I have also noticed that I feel uncomfortable talking about my condition when last year, I did not mind at all. Counselling is not an option and I do not want to go through that anyway. Since my diagnosis, I have not once worried about future complications and my diabetes has no really scared me much but recently, I have been thinking about my health in the future and for the first ever time, I do feel scared.

I feel suffocated so I'm reaching out to you guys because hopefully, many of you understand how tiring living with diabetes can get. I need some advice on what I can do to feel like myself again.

Thank you <3

It's painful to watch people close to getting ill. I lost a long term friend, since uni 30 years ago to cancer in January. Then my mum got ill in mid January, then my husband got ill. Mum passed away mid April, my husband in early June. This is a year of loss.
It's painful and sad but I'm not depressed.

I have been depressed several times in my life and know it's an illness.

You need to speak to your loved ones about it. You see, they love you and need you and care. You also need to find help. The happy pills can work like magic but counselling can be quite as good.

Talk to your GP or to your consultant or DSN or somebody you trust.Counselling is great and will help you to be yourself again and possibly some meds can aid you too, but you need to talk about it.

 

[ButtterflyLady]

You are surely depressed. Find more good foods that would change your mind.

I don't think finding good foods is an effective treatment for clinical depression.