Hello all,
Death and diabetes, not the Double 'D' I was aiming for...
I lost my dad in May, and was diagnosed 7 weeks later on my return to the UK after being abroad to take my dad to his final resting place. I had been feeling rotten for quite a while, and I was not surprised at my diagnosis. My dad died of pneumonia, he had T2 for 20 years, and had a couple of heart operations during which time, especially in recent years, where I was in charge of his meds, I learnt a lot about his conditions. Now I find myself taking some of the very same meds he took; I was offered my blood glucose monitor by my DN and I refused it, because it it the exact same model he used ( I have my own), a constant reminder of my grief and loss of my dad. My dad managed his diabetes very well right up to the end. He passed very suddenly, just one week after he had come back from a trip to Hong Kong to see his family, he went into hospital. I was with him until the very end.
Existing depression, a sudden loss of a loved one, followed by my diagnosis, followed by my most recent loss of my cat after 13 years in the last fortnight has made me very unstable.
Some days the despair is so bad, I forget to eat, but then I know I should eat cos if I don't my BS will rocket, cos food equals meds, but I can't eat as I have no appetite, then I feel guilty and powerless and so the vicious cycle begins.
Trying to do what's right for the needs of my body is important, now more than ever, but how can you do that when grief and loss drive you temporarily insane? Both bereavement and diabetes are unique journeys for all of us (I remind myself all the time that my dad's diabetes is not MY diabetes) the learning curve for both these aspects of our lives is only as tight as we make it, so how can i take/maintain control of my BS when I have no control over my emotions, can't sleep properly, can't eat properly, or conversely no longer able to comfort eat/drink myself anymore ? What was before (in my mind) a simple coping mechanism is now just as dangerous to as drinking a pint of neat vodka, or necking a bunch of pills.
When we suffer a loss, we all at some point will question our own mortality, and even the ones of those around us. Diabetes does that too, I feel.
I read somewhere else in the forum a few months back about a chap who had suffered a loss and as with many of us (including me!), diabetes went out of the window - eat wrong, drink wrong, sleep wrong, everything wrong....- as ever, the helpful advice from fellow members gave me a little more hope and courage to get through things, it went some thing like
it's ok to take that 'sod diabetes, I've bigger fish to fry' view if your life has suddenly out of control - , but sooner or later, as we deal with our loss, we WILL become stronger, and will regain our responsibility of our diabetes, our life...life goes on, and I owe it to myself and my family, alive or dead to (eventually) get back to normal routine, and for me. We all go off the rails at some point in life, and it's painful, but as the saying goes, this too shall pass. We have good days, we have bad days, but we just have to do things in our own time.
My dad had a saying in Cantonese, which *roughly translated* meant 'You have one life, so live for it', sort of saying that you are your own responsibilty, so healthwise, it's ultimately up to you. His expression reminds me everyday how only I can make a difference if I am going to manage my diabetes well or not, and I for one am not going to get some stupid metabolic disorder get in the way, genetics or not goddammit!!
Friends and family who have also gone through your loss may need to be aware that you are concerned about chucking your numbers out of the window - the stress and related emotional issues can contribute to elevated BS levels; coupled with not eating properly could send your numbers sky high. Let the people around you know if you are concerned (both loss and starvation are not a good combo), perhaps they can remind you or check that you are taking your meds/eating/ checking levels etc etc. I became very forgetful during the first week after dad died, and forgetfulness and confusion, which is very common with a loss can sometimes be a symptom with hypers...as I was undiagnosed at the time I may have been hyper for a LOOOONG time - my A1c was 86 (!) when diagnosed.
sorry if this is rambling, but I hope this helps. Everyone is here for each other, and without this place to express myself, I don't think I would be able to at all.
thanks for the soapbox time!
Cheers