ok, I'll be honest... i am writting this for my sake. this year has been a downwards spiral for me.. i struggled with minor depression when i was 14 (before diabetes), i thought i was over it... but this year it came back, 6 years later.... I guess it started in hospital, August last year, September, and just before christmas. 3 times id been in hospital, due to diabetes. Id been really struggling with it, and the diabetic consultant kept on changing my appointment, or not sending me out a letter to tell me i even had one. there was a number of things that had caused me to be unwell. but i was getting lumps in my tummy, and legs when i injected. in the end it caused me to have several high sessions, and ketoneacidosis. to be honest, it started as a fear. I'll admit i am scared of the complications to do with diabetes, and being on high dependecy and intensive care made me worse. I felt out of control, and to start with, i was never even a digit above my target range.
but when i went in just before christmas one of them told me (and to my annoyence, my mum) that if i came in again, it could kill me. My body had been shutting down before i went in.
My mum, who had lost a daughter before i was born kept saying "I dont want to loose another one" And it felt like she was already mourning over me... me still in a hospital bed. i was there thinking "i'm not dead yet" but i wont deny, i was scared myself. having my mum there made me feel worse. i know you can have a healthy, normal life, if diabetes is well managed.. but mine wasnt well managed.
welst i was in hospital, they also kept an eye on what i was eating, and my blood sugar levels... and even the doctor couldnt explain my results. it seemed to be all over the place.
then when i came out, people seemed to think it was selfinflicted. mainly family. i felt iced out, and to sound like a whiney little kid, i felt i needed my family at that time.
I am glad to say i havent beein into hospital since, but that didnt mean i felt much better. i guess being in hospital had made me weak.... and i caught every illness that came my way, and i woke up feeling sick. this wasnt even my blood sugars. i started taking Vitimin C tablets, but i kept loosing weight. to be honest, it started when i got ill before, with the ketonacidosis... but it was still happening. i wasnt a bad size to begin with.
By march, people were asking me if i was eating enough. The same people that blamed me for my hospital trips before.it wasnt just them, it was the scales. they said i was underweight I started obsessing about my weight. I began eating more and upping my insulin to match.
All this was going on welst i was having trouble with another part of my body. I have always had heavy periods. i went into the gum clinic to sort it. they gave me the implant. I spent one month with no periods. since then it was every other week. i was feeling very hormonal, and stressed. and it was also effecting my diabetes.
It didnt help that i had a work load too... i was stressing over the last year of a foundation degree, both the work load, and the stress of looking for a job to go into.
I felt iced out of my family, i felt like everything was too much... i learnt my auntie had cancer (i am pleased to say shes got over it now) and my great auntie had been given just a year to live.
i was at breaking point about to break. during the easter holidays i did. it was just in one moment. one scary moment... the idea of everything ending... the releaf of it...sounded quite appealing. i grabbed my insulin pen, turned it as far as i could, and started to press down.
Then i got scared. I didnt want to die. i thought of what would happen if i left it. id never do anything i want to. that short moment of wanting relief could have killed me if id let it....and i would have let it if my senses hadnt kicked in. i basicly ended up eating so much sugary stuff it almost made me sick. I dipped low, but it kicked back up.
i dont know what was going through my mind at that point, but it still scares me what i could have done. it only lasted that moment, and i havent sunk that low again, but the thought that it all started with someone telling me that my diabetes could kill me. i know nothing i said here is really worthy of what i tried to do..but everything built up.
on the plus side, i havent tried since (nor do i want to)
i havent been in hospital since (nor do i want to)
and i passed my foundation degree. which i would have never of done if i had done it.
I have since linked alot of it to my diabetes, and also came across this on the diabetes site entitled Diabetes and Depression
I dont really have a reason to be telling anyone this. but it feels nice to type it and let it all go. to be honest i love life. and reflecting on it reminds me of a friend i had when i was diagnosed, who is diabetic as well. he gave me two bits of advice
"dont worry about needles (there is no point)"
and
"you can either control diabetes,or let it control you"
but when i went in just before christmas one of them told me (and to my annoyence, my mum) that if i came in again, it could kill me. My body had been shutting down before i went in.
My mum, who had lost a daughter before i was born kept saying "I dont want to loose another one" And it felt like she was already mourning over me... me still in a hospital bed. i was there thinking "i'm not dead yet" but i wont deny, i was scared myself. having my mum there made me feel worse. i know you can have a healthy, normal life, if diabetes is well managed.. but mine wasnt well managed.
welst i was in hospital, they also kept an eye on what i was eating, and my blood sugar levels... and even the doctor couldnt explain my results. it seemed to be all over the place.
then when i came out, people seemed to think it was selfinflicted. mainly family. i felt iced out, and to sound like a whiney little kid, i felt i needed my family at that time.
I am glad to say i havent beein into hospital since, but that didnt mean i felt much better. i guess being in hospital had made me weak.... and i caught every illness that came my way, and i woke up feeling sick. this wasnt even my blood sugars. i started taking Vitimin C tablets, but i kept loosing weight. to be honest, it started when i got ill before, with the ketonacidosis... but it was still happening. i wasnt a bad size to begin with.
By march, people were asking me if i was eating enough. The same people that blamed me for my hospital trips before.it wasnt just them, it was the scales. they said i was underweight I started obsessing about my weight. I began eating more and upping my insulin to match.
All this was going on welst i was having trouble with another part of my body. I have always had heavy periods. i went into the gum clinic to sort it. they gave me the implant. I spent one month with no periods. since then it was every other week. i was feeling very hormonal, and stressed. and it was also effecting my diabetes.
It didnt help that i had a work load too... i was stressing over the last year of a foundation degree, both the work load, and the stress of looking for a job to go into.
I felt iced out of my family, i felt like everything was too much... i learnt my auntie had cancer (i am pleased to say shes got over it now) and my great auntie had been given just a year to live.
i was at breaking point about to break. during the easter holidays i did. it was just in one moment. one scary moment... the idea of everything ending... the releaf of it...sounded quite appealing. i grabbed my insulin pen, turned it as far as i could, and started to press down.
Then i got scared. I didnt want to die. i thought of what would happen if i left it. id never do anything i want to. that short moment of wanting relief could have killed me if id let it....and i would have let it if my senses hadnt kicked in. i basicly ended up eating so much sugary stuff it almost made me sick. I dipped low, but it kicked back up.
i dont know what was going through my mind at that point, but it still scares me what i could have done. it only lasted that moment, and i havent sunk that low again, but the thought that it all started with someone telling me that my diabetes could kill me. i know nothing i said here is really worthy of what i tried to do..but everything built up.
on the plus side, i havent tried since (nor do i want to)
i havent been in hospital since (nor do i want to)
and i passed my foundation degree. which i would have never of done if i had done it.
I have since linked alot of it to my diabetes, and also came across this on the diabetes site entitled Diabetes and Depression
I dont really have a reason to be telling anyone this. but it feels nice to type it and let it all go. to be honest i love life. and reflecting on it reminds me of a friend i had when i was diagnosed, who is diabetic as well. he gave me two bits of advice
"dont worry about needles (there is no point)"
and
"you can either control diabetes,or let it control you"
