Hi, lots of what you said, I could have written, I try harder when I have an upcoming appointment with the diabetes gods, this is silly because it means I care more about being frowned and tutted at than my health, no idea why because the appointments last a very short time in the grand scheme.
I’ve recently been trying a very strict low carb diet and it has been incredibly successful, this is after years of the worse possible control, guessing my doses, not injecting novo at all during work because of the fear of hypos, so running very high most of the time, but now if I say am injecting 10:1 ratio, if I never eat 10g of carbs in any meal, I never have to inject more than one unit lol, this has meant, no guessing, no spikes with 100% in target range.
Ridiculously, my dietician last week said I was doing too well and to aim at 80% in target, I have diabetes psychologist tomorrow and endo 13th of next month, I am worried about endo, I shouldn’t really as I only see him for 30 mins once every six months and can choose to completely ignore him if I choose.
They sent me to see the db psychologist because I had completely given up on db and myself and told endo as much, it’s been a very good experience, could you ask if you have someone in your area that you could talk to? I felt like I was on a downward spiral, was waiting for my eyes to stop working and toes to drop off at any moment, basically waiting to die horribly but she changed all this, now I feel a lot more positive, much more in control, still know I’m heading for a horrible death but don’t feel like it’s tomorrow any more.
Why am I sitting here typing this when my alarm clock isn’t due to go off yet? (I’m also great at sleeping lol) because you sound like me so I wanted to say, you are not alone, I get it, try your best but forgive yourself when you are not doing great, don’t let the health care people get you down, secretly they love people getting it wrong, it justifies their existence.
As for why you are posting today, imagine someone reading your post in your exact position, most will read without typing, you could potentially help untold silent, struggling people that felt like they were the only one getting it wrong, reading posts here from super motivated clever diabetics is great but reading from someone who is struggling like them could be way way more useful, so well done for putting yourself out there and possibly helping others, even if by accident
Best of luck