Daily thoughts

I used to keep pet tortoises years ago and they could run after a fashion - they'd get up on their tippy toes and trot along. Quite a different motion to slowly lumbering along close to the ground, though obviously they'd never have managed a four minute mile. One of them would run to me and also follow me round like a little dog!

Robbity

Pura Vida said:

Subject: Daily thoughts
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a darn anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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I agree. I always exercised, ate low carb and for the last 10 years very healthy quality foods and here I sit now injecting insulin. We can on,y do so much and hope it works.

Is cynicism caused by diabetes? The kind that exists for maybe fifty years prior to diagnosis? I knew it wasn't just my natural disposition...or the fact that the world is beyond repair. What about grey hair....that too?

Used to think it was 43 years in pharmacy that caused my now extreme cynicism. Great now i can blame my diabetes too. LOL

It's watching the same old thing over and over, like Groundhog Day. Seeing people wasting their time in the mundane, always me, me, me. Cynicism is so easy to fall into, hard to get out

My doctor advised me to take up an activity that would make me a little breathless about 2 or 3 days a week! So I’ve started smoking again.

H

Viv0147 said:

My doctor advised me to take up an activity that would make me a little breathless about 2 or 3 days a week! So I’ve started smoking again.

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Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Love it, mate. Made my day.

Viv0147 said:

My doctor advised me to take up an activity that would make me a little breathless about 2 or 3 days a week! So I’ve started smoking again.

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Outstanding. ROTFLMAO

Amazed at this mornings results as I really was a bad boy yesterday!

5.3 again...my daughter treated me to an early Fsther's day and this is what I had:

3 glasses of champagne

2 full bars of hotel chocolate 100% Dominican Republic (70g in total)

Large lamb roast lunch

Large chicken evening meal followed by

2 bowls of strawbs with OPPO ice cream....

I mean this is about the only but biggest breach in nearly 10 weeks....but terrific FBGs


Sent from my iPad using DCUK Forum mobile app


Sent from my iPad using DCUK Forum mobile app

I don't get the joke Kevin

How to give a cat a pill



Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down the straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.


Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

You have to have had a cat to appreciate this My husband and I are in tears
CAROL

I have just two stories about cats. Both true..

We had a fierce tom called Timmy. Incredibly sharp claws and teeth. Every morning (the wife would let him in) he'd wait for me on the stairs and as I passed him, in thin pjs, he launch himself at my back with all his claws out. The number of hot days at the office that one of the girls would tell me I had a lot of blood specks on the back of my shirt. Yet many times I saw my son, then just a toddler, polishing the dining room floor with the stupid cat over on his back..
One evening I noticed he was outside the back door. I opened the door to let him in and realised he was collapsed. He looked flat at the back end - I feared he had been clipped by a vehicle on the nearby main road. I picked him up and gently put him on the sofa, where, for a couple of hours he got more attention from the girls than anyone else ever got. The next morning he was still there, half covered by my daughter's favourite blanket as we'd left him the night before. I decided to take him to the vet. I got the car out and my wife passed him in, laying him across my lap. He hated cars, first time we'd got him in there without him being locked in a box. I drove the mile to the vets. He never moved. Got out, went into the waiting room which was full to bursting. Dogs, cats - he would normally have gone berserk. Stayed still on my lap - not a movement. When our number came up I picked him up and carried him very carefully into the vets 'surgery'. I swear, the moment he touched the vets table he was off like a rocket straight under a large chest of drawers - a bit like the plan chests we had at the office. Imagine the spectacle of the vet and I on hands and knees trying to get him out. Eventually the vet managed to push him my way with a brush handle and we got him out. From there on I wished I'd taken him in the box. The vet gave him a shot, on principle. You would never believe the performance I had with him in the car.

The other concerns my aunt's cat Monty. Big black thing. On one occasion when Uncle Charlie visited from Liverpool, he picked Monty up, stuck him under his left armpit rear end forwards with his left hand holding the cat's rear feet, put the tail up to his mouth with his right hand and went round the room making a noise like bagpipes while pumping the cat with his left elbow. The noise from the cat and the imitation bagpipes was something I'll never forget. Real cat lover, Charlie!

J.

My parents had a factory (small) and there was a ferral cat who used to hang around there. He used to annoy the secretary something dreadful. He would always come at lunch time and bring a mouse! While she teied to eat her lunch he would sit and chew the head of the mouse until she took it from him replacing with her own lunch... next day he would retrieve the dead mouse from the bin and repeat.

Eventually my parents brought him home! He sat nicely on my dads lap being stroked... his tail then started to twitch so my dad stopped waiting to see what he would do! He jumped up (not my dad) ran round the top of the room (near the ceiling) then down behind the sofa, ripping all the back fabric patting the plants either side (shredding them also) and then jumped back into my dads lap... seemingly glad to get it out of his system! He was half ferral and half tame... just not at the same time... needless to say he went back to the factory... our dogs were terrified of him, and even years after we would say where's dusty the dogs would be looking up around the top of the cupboards wondering where that cat would strike from!!!

Viv0147 said:

My doctor advised me to take up an activity that would make me a little breathless about 2 or 3 days a week! So I’ve started smoking again.

Click to expand...

I saw that joke on mock the week! Still a good un though!

Pura Vida said:

Subject: Daily thoughts
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a darn anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Click to expand...

Tortoise only eat veg! No carbs there.

The end reminds me of a prayer my great grandmother taught me before she died... God grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change, courage to change the things i can and wisdom to know the difference.... so far i have only been given the courage and cant accept that i cant change certain things so do work hard to change them... maybe there is nothing you cant change as long as you are willing to put the effort in!