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Diabetes and Relationships

J

Janlou

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Hi All

My husband of over one year has had insulin dependent diabetes mellitus since the age of 17. He is now 51 and his condition is having a huge effect on our relationship. I have been supportive and empathic but his mood swings and aggression have become intolerable. He insists on rules and regulations in the house - most noteably for my two teenage children. He is experiencing erectile dysfunction also, and has received treatment from his GP, which is adequate, but avoids using it, and we haven't had intercourse for some time.

Yesterday he flew into another barrage of verbal abuse - he never shouts, but becomes very sarcastic, derogatory, and blames everyone else for the way that he feels (my son arrived home 1 hour prior to the rule). He then packs and leaves, never telling anyone where he is, so far he always comes back, but I feel this time he won't. This is the fourth time he has done this. Is it the diabetes that is making him this way, or is it just a dysfunctional relationship? I love him, but I'm finding it difficult to cope. :(
 
Hi Janlou

I have been type 1 for 27 years, i can't say that i am the same way as your hubby, the only time i get aggressive (sometimes) is if i am having a hypo but then i don't remember half of what i have said. My hubby is also very supportive but i can understand how frustrating it is for you, the thing is you can't help someone if they refuse to help themselves. I do feel for you having to deal with the shouting and aggressive behaviour. Are his sugar levels under control? because maybe some of his anger is caused by low sugar levels.

Tracey167
 
That's really difficult for you all to live with. You sound really torn between your kids and your husband and not knowing which way to jump. It's not clear from your post who leaves the house: your son or your husband. If the latter, I guess you need to see if you can talk with him about it when it's not happening. (When there is an intense rise in emotion our thinking brains don't work too well, so best to wait for some calm.) If it's your son, then I guess your chief job is to ensure your kid is safe. Have you thought of talking to someone at Relate? In situations where there is an illness to cope with and also the whole family is affected by some behaviour, then you would probably find them really helpful. Better still if you can persuade husband to attend too. Maybe for a trial session? You do need some kind of help because things have obviously deteriorated since you got married or you would maybe have had second thoughts! PM me if you want to speak privately about other options in the therapy world. Chin up - there is usually a solution somewhere. It's just knowing where to look!
 
Hi janlou,
It must be terrible watching the man you love behave like this.


Is his diabetes well controlled? This makes a huge difference to his behaviour or is he a bully who needs to be in complete control?

There are a lot of people who do not see marriage as a partnership but as a way to control other people and this includes their children. He may be having a mid life crisis, he may have poor diabetic control or he may be a bully. Some men are jealous of their children and envious of their growing independence and fun times they will have as teenagers. ( It can work the other way round too and females become what is described as "dragons", don't know what the male equivalent is).

You have to make a stand now before things get worse and tell him what it is that is upsetting everyone and that you are not prepared to put up with it. If it is a diabetes related issue, then he has to get it sorted, if it is a behaviour issue then he has to get some counselling. If you don't confront him then he sees it as permission to carry on.

The stress levels that you are suffering will not do your general health any good or the children and why should one man make the rest of the family permanently unhappy? Treading on eggshells springs to mind.

Imagine if a friend was telling your story and what advice you would give them.

Hope this helps and it is my opinion.

Catherine.
 
Thank you all for your advice. I think we all have alot of talking to do. At this moment in time, I don't know where my husband is though, as he left last night - his mobile is switched off.

Your comments have given me alot to think about, and you're right, what advice would I give to a friend.

Thanks
 
hi i've had diabetes since November 2009, and i just had my overall blood sugar for the first time and it was 7.2 i was quite happy with this however they only said it was this low because ive had so many lows and that isnt good.
Ive been a bit narow minded and didnt really take lows as serious as high's.
Ive been having about like 4+ a week, and i didnt think it was that bad to have lows..
Am i more likely to have the complications .
Im only fourteen but it seems like my lifes over already :( Please help :(
 
Janlou said:
Hi All

My husband of over one year has had insulin dependent diabetes mellitus since the age of 17. He is now 51 and his condition is having a huge effect on our relationship. I have been supportive and empathic but his mood swings and aggression have become intolerable. He insists on rules and regulations in the house - most noteably for my two teenage children. He is experiencing erectile dysfunction also, and has received treatment from his GP, which is adequate, but avoids using it, and we haven't had intercourse for some time.

Yesterday he flew into another barrage of verbal abuse - he never shouts, but becomes very sarcastic, derogatory, and blames everyone else for the way that he feels (my son arrived home 1 hour prior to the rule). He then packs and leaves, never telling anyone where he is, so far he always comes back, but I feel this time he won't. This is the fourth time he has done this. Is it the diabetes that is making him this way, or is it just a dysfunctional relationship? I love him, but I'm finding it difficult to cope. :(
Click to expand...

Hi Janlou,

I am very sorry to hear what you are going through at present.

I will tell you my story briefly,It is explained more in other posts..........

My Wife left me last November & to this day, I am completely shattered from this tbh.

From what you have said in your post, It has suddenly come to light, that I understand where you are coming from, going from my wife's experience.

When I met my wife, I was very caring, loving towards her & completely idolised & love her. That was one of the main reasons why we both fell in love with each other.To this day, I still have the same feelings. After 13 months of being with her, I changed my insulin.
Over time, certain people noticed that my behaviour had changed & started getting bad hypos, which unfortunately resulted me in lashing out by me not being in control.
I was told after the fact that I had said nasty things, which upset me massively.
I had spoken to my consultant at the time & he said that I seemed to be coping fine, just try adjusting your dosages, etc.
We moved in 2008 to a lovely part of the country & to start a great life.
In November 2009, I had a very bad hypo, which resulted me in pinching my wife's cheek & after the paramedics got me around, I was taken to hospital.
I recieved a text message from my wife saying she had left to go down to her mom & dad's, she could not handle it anymore!
In January 2010, I seeked help on this forum & responses I recieved from all the great people here, were overwhelming.
Jenny from the IDDT, gave me some information regarding the insulin I was on at the time, I must of read this a dozen or so times..... I decided to share this with my wife & her family. About a week after this, I recieved a letter from her solicitor saying she wants a divorce. :cry:
After seeing my new Diabetic nurse & consultant, they diagnosed straight away I had lost my Hypo awareness (which I was NEVER told anything about this condition) & I asked from this if i could change insulin to Animal Insulin......My wish was granted.
I have been on Hypurine Porcine Animal insulin for just over a month now & from what Jenny & other people have posted, the results from the changes have come true, I feel a different person.
Although, I have convinced myself, I don't think I can convince the ONE person I love more than anything.... my wife.
I have not seen or spoke to my wife or my 3 sons for two months now.
We had a further two children (3 in total), which I totally idolise

My problems were due to an Insulin, Full stop! which caused all this heart ache.

Firstly, is your husband on Insulin Injections?
If he is & has been on this insulin for a substantial amount of time, it may not be suiting him anymore.
If this is the case, try to plead with him to go & see his GP/nurse or consultant & tak about options.
We as humans, can be very stubborn & are always reluctant to change.

Please let me know how you get on.

Remember, you are not alone in this situation.

Take care,

Steve
 
newbieloon said:
hi i've had diabetes since November 2009, and i just had my overall blood sugar for the first time and it was 7.2 i was quite happy with this however they only said it was this low because ive had so many lows and that isnt good.
Ive been a bit narow minded and didnt really take lows as serious as high's.
Ive been having about like 4+ a week, and i didnt think it was that bad to have lows..
Am i more likely to have the complications .
Im only fourteen but it seems like my lifes over already :( Please help :(
Click to expand...

First of all, of course your life isn't over already! :shock: You just have to do some work to work out what is the best way forward for you.

I suggest that you go on to the Type 1 Diabetes forum and ask whatever you may need to know on there as they will be better able to help you. :)
 
newbieloon said:
hi i've had diabetes since November 2009, and i just had my overall blood sugar for the first time and it was 7.2 i was quite happy with this however they only said it was this low because ive had so many lows and that isnt good.
Ive been a bit narow minded and didnt really take lows as serious as high's.
Ive been having about like 4+ a week, and i didnt think it was that bad to have lows..
Am i more likely to have the complications .
Im only fourteen but it seems like my lifes over already :( Please help :(
Click to expand...

Hi Newbieloon,

Regarding your post, regarding you thinking your life is over, I was diagnosed when I was 15 & I thought exactly what you have written. Your life is far from over my friend!

I would sincerely agree with Synonym's post, get as much support as possible from people on the forum.
If you are in a routine after a period of time, & then things from the norm start happening, please take the advice here & get it looked into further, rather than accept it & let it run on for months or even more common, over years.

I hope this helps

Steve
 
Steve,
You've hit on something important there when you say people can let these kind of problems run on for months or years. Unfortunately what I frequently hear is how many people, including me, are begging for help from their doctors, and even diabetes specialists about these kind of problems. Unfortunately these problems are never blamed on the insulin, patients are sent away, with the reassuring "your Hba1c's good, so everything's fine". I hope the time comes soon when doctors realise that long-acting analogues are causing huge problems for many people.

The anxiety directly caused by Lantus was something I never discussed while I was on it, and only since coming off it do I realise what an effect that had on my day to day life. I was intolerable to live with, but scared and too scared to talk about how I was feeling even to my husband. He knew when I was having my "ill" days, but there were other times, and I especially remember car journeys when felt like I was about to have a fit. I would ramble and talk nonsense just to distract myself from what I was feeling, but I felt like if I told him it would make it real. I didn't know what the hell was going on, and when I read about you being on that stuff for much longer than I was, it scares me, and makes me really sad for what you've gone through; especially that your wife is not supportive of you, and making it difficult to have a relationship with your children-i can't imagine anything worse.
I don't think I could have carried on much longer the way I was feeling, and not knowing what was causing it, and neither does my husband. I've got him to thank for connecting what was going on with me to Lantus. I don't know how he put up with me and all of it for 4 years.

Jus x
 
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