Feel like I’m stuck in a situation

[Lulu9101112]

It’s kind of a long story but ever since I got harrased and bullied before I moved and delivery riders that posted a video of my reaction on YouTube when ever I see anything that reminds me of them I seem to kick things. I’ve tried to put it behind me but I just can’t (I also have a dissability where it can be hard for me to control my anger and takes a while to process sometimes) Thing is I just can’t help it. Ever since then people have reacted back to the point it damages my bike and then they also start being annoying afterwards. Like yesterday. I kicked a bike and then a delivery guy decided to ram his moped into my bike. Luckily it only caused wheel to be slightly out of alignment. Then i stopped at my local Tesco’s to pick up some dinner but then I saw teenagers and this just reminded me of the past so I ended up kicking once and then the teenagers decided to damage my bike. Security came out and asked what was going on. The thing is when security get involved. I get afraid to say something becuse with previous incidents I’ve only been the one that gets in trouble. So I didn’t say anything. I was thinking of reporting the teens because normally when people do something back it makes me to do something stupid the next time in town but I kept getting put off as the teenagers said that I’ll be the only one that gets in trouble but at the same time they did spilt they’ve gotten away from the Feds (which I’m guessing is another word for police) So there bassically saying the police know them. So I don’t know whether to still report it or not?

It’s not just that when ever in incidents happen I just don’t manage my diabeties the only time I do at the moment is during volunteering on weds and Fridays. Which isn’t helpful and keep getting asked by diabetic clinic. I’m just to afraid to explain. I just feel like I shouldn’t exist sometimes.

I also don’t have anyone to tell which is why I’m asking on here because my dads in Holland, my mums on holiday and my brother is 3 hours away. I’m also afraid things are going to get worse as schools are off from now and then that at my training or volunteering if anyone recognise me I feel like their going to report it and I don’t want to loose these things. If I didn’t have my volunteering I would pretty much want to end my life. .

I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to end up getting hurt physically or arrested.

(I did explain to Tesco through online since it is one of my main shops i use and I have a feeling those teenagers live by their as they kept going back to a flat near there. They replied by apologising and making the shop aware who were both thankful for me passing it on

I’m supposed to go out to get shopping later but I don’t feel like it as I don’t want to see them either


I really don’t know what to do

?????

 

[WuTwo]

I don't really know what to suggest other than perhaps going to another shop, just this once, to do your shopping? Perhaps somewhere smaller where kids won't be hanging around?

Also, do you belong to a group for your disability - I used belong to one for my epilepsy when I was a teenager because it was incredibly socially embarrassing to have seizures in public places and I needed help in dealing with that embarrassment, and with learning how to go out again. If yours is the sort of disability where you get a badge, you could wear that? I have a pin badge for my epilepsy and another for my diabetes - so that if I'm found conked out in the street somewhere the medics can see at a glance that they have two choices. If you had a badge or a bracelet, shop staff would be more understanding maybe?

Also, if there's a way you could say, kick a wall instead of someone's belongings, perhaps no-one would retaliate. I know it's part of your disability that you can't easily hold in your anger, but could you learn to re-direct it somehow?

 

[JTL]

I think you need to be seeking professional help plus your family life doesn't sound too great.
How about contacting social services about having someone help you do the shopping a couple of times a week.
I know where I am there are pro and volunteer groups who do this kind of thing.

 

[Lulu9101112]

I don't really know what to suggest other than perhaps going to another shop, just this once, to do your shopping? Perhaps somewhere smaller where kids won't be hanging around?

Also, do you belong to a group for your disability - I used belong to one for my epilepsy when I was a teenager because it was incredibly socially embarrassing to have seizures in public places and I needed help in dealing with that embarrassment, and with learning how to go out again. If yours is the sort of disability where you get a badge, you could wear that? I have a pin badge for my epilepsy and another for my diabetes - so that if I'm found conked out in the street somewhere the medics can see at a glance that they have two choices. If you had a badge or a bracelet, shop staff would be more understanding maybe?

Also, if there's a way you could say, kick a wall instead of someone's belongings, perhaps no-one would retaliate. I know it's part of your disability that you can't easily hold in your anger, but could you learn to re-direct it somehow?

The thing is when ever i do people still react or say something rude I'm tried to counteract but last time i did that and this was just for waiting for a bus to my course. I got a threat by someone saying they were going to beat me up as they had a weapon (this wasn't the first time) and then i don't know how i just didn't do anything at this point. At this point i just went to the local mall as i knew she wouldn't follow and just waited for 10 mins.. Hopping she would of gotten the bus but when i went back to the stop she was still annoyed and because i was still annoyed i kicked the bus stop at this point she decided to call the police lying saying i was kicking bikes when i hadn't even touched any this day. This just pisseed me off anyway to the point i just moved bus stops where i happened to see my friend who's in the same course. I explained to him and then as i was about to get the bus the Local town's PCSO's told me to wait for an officer. (My friend ended up getting the bus) who will be there in a couple of minuites. (Thing is i was reluctant to say anything when asked because i wanted to not be late) Annoyingly the officer that turned up that day i was still reluctant but i managed to say i haven't done anything apart from kick a wall and then he just replied shouting saying so you are acting up. I then said only because the person who reported it threatend me which is why i moved stops. He didn't say anything afterwards and then went off. So i got the bus.


Another time i kicked a pole and this time it accidentally knocked a bike over. A group of teenagers and pre teens 12/13 thought i did it on puporse due to previous incidents and then started messing with my bike and trying to damage it and then they ended up throwing their drink bottle at me which caused me to get a bit of cramp in my foot. Then older teenagers (like 16/17) i tried getting involved saying to stop getting involved and pointing out i had a go pro but annoying it was dead, I just told them there was CCTV cameras and at this point i was trying to hold back but i just ended up saying something rude in dutch to them which was my way of trying to counteract to avoid hitting or knocking them off and then threw their coke drink over luckily most of my chlothes apart from helmet and trousers were water proof and then weirdly I dunno whether this was true or not but one of the 17 year olds said one of the CCTV cameras was moving and this seemeed to scare them off. I tried to cycle off but then i realised my handlebars was slghtly bent, weirdly at the same time i noticed a police car pulled up (i didn't hear anyone call them or any sirens) but then one officer came up saying he heard something on the radio, i tried to explain but i just couldn't get the words out and was litreally confused how come he turned up because hardly anyone was around just buses driving past and a resturants were open,


So things have been worse when i've tried to counteract

 

[WuTwo]

I think that as @JTL says, it's time you went to see your GP and asked for referral to a professional service that could help you here. Your situation isn't one that any of us are qualified to advise on, and I do feel that you need some sort of help. Your GP will know the best service to refer you to.

Do you have any older family members who you could talk to about all this? Or mates?

Definitely though, it's time to sort out some sort of help simply because you are so unhappy and confused.